The Husband Who Wasn't There, and an Insecure Fiancee

Let's take a break from deadly and violent crime stories. A recent Dear Abby installment had a couple of great letters.

ALONE AND LONELY IN INDIANA wrote:

"Ralph" and I have been married a little over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. We were both single for six years after our divorces, so we had time to become independent.

What we aren't told is how long they dated before they married, and what that was like.

Ralph still spends his evenings and weekends the way he did when he was a bachelor.

What, is he out on the bars and clubs? It his hitting on other women?!?

He stays in the garage and watches TV alone.

Oh. Is that all he is doing out there? If he is alone, how you do know he isn't engaged in another hobby, or some other interest? What is on TV? Is it something the rest of the family wouldn't care to watch or shouldn't watch?

We have talked about it, set up family time, and even bought the large-screen TV he wanted for the living room, but still he hides out in the garage. He comes in only to eat and use the bathroom.

Really? He sleeps and showers out there, and goes without sex?

I have two children from my last marriage, and the younger one feels deeply hurt because my husband spends no time with him.

Ah. So the biodad isn't around? You didn't notice Ralph's behavior before you married? Or it was okay or him to be that way before you married, and you didn't make it clear that you'd expect him to be different after the wedding?

Well Ralph shouldn't have gotten married to a woman with minor kids, and you shouldn't have married him. But now that you are in this situation, you might be able to lure him by doing activities that would interest him. Maybe he needs direction, like a list of honey-dos, and when he does them, thanking him will help encourage him. If he really, truly isn't interested it doing anything but watching TV, then he really wasn't marriage material to begin with, which is perhaps why his first marriage ended.

Otherwise, if he pays the bills and scares off potential predators, at least that is something.

As for me, I'm the kind of guy who enjoys solitary activities - writing, watching DVDs, listening to music, reading, etc. But I place the needs of my wife and children over what I want to do at any given moment. That means I do a lot less of those things than I did when I was unmarried and childless. If you can't handle the fact that there will be new demands on your time, guys, then don't get married. Stay unmarried. You'll be able to spend your time as you want with fewer moral and social conflicts.

Dear Abby responded:

If you married Ralph thinking you could change the way he acted as a bachelor, that you would have companionship and your children would have an attentive father, you may have married the wrong man.

It can't be stated enough: Women should never expect that a guy will change for the better. He may, and he should, but it doesn't mean he will. The only guarantee is that he will get older. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Guys shouldn't expect women to change (other than getting older) either.

If Ralph was happy and at ease, he would not be hiding out in the garage.

Maybe that is what makes him happy and at ease?

NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS is way too insecure:

My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.

Does he not do it when the server is male?

He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself.

He's right. And referring your server by their name is the polite thing to do.

And if you are this insecure, he should run the other way and NOT marry you.

Guys, if you're going to get married, save yourself a world of trouble and avoid marrying a woman who is this insecure. She'll make your life hell. Now, there's a difference between a woman rightfully noting to her man in private that he shouldn't have been leering and drooling over another woman in public, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about the kind of woman who will want to sniff your penis when you come home to make sure another woman has gone nowhere near it... the kind of woman who will alienate your female coworkers... the kind of woman who, if an attractive woman walks anywhere in your line if sight, will yell, "WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO F--- HER?!? YOU DO, DON'T YOU?!?"

Run for the nearest exit.

It also isn't a good sign that she has such little regard for servers.