I am 43, the mother of four children and just celebrated my 20th anniversary. Is it normal for someone to be married all this time and still not want your husband to see you naked?Normal? I don't know. But unfortunately, it isn't unheard of.
I do not reveal myself to him. The lights must always be off, and I keep a shirt on.This is not good. Men generally are visual creatures. We like looking at the female body. This is especially true when it comes to our wife.
No, your body isn’t perfect. Every day, you get older. Let's assume you are dumpy – though women, unless they are "large and in charge" types, do tend to be harder on themselves than everyone else. But you know what? We don't care that you aren't perfect. We want you. We need you. For us, it is like pizza... a "bad" one is better than nothing. Getting to see you naked and up close is one of the best elements of lovemaking - whether or not you look like a centerfold.
Don't hide!
So far, the situation doesn't sound unusual. Ah, but here's the twist:
It's not because I am ashamed of my body; it's that I'm not attracted to him. I never was.Actually, that's how probably a majority of marriages all throughout history came about. Just think of arranged marriages. However, you chose to marry him, and now you can force him to provide "security" by law, though you can't be forced to hold up your end of the bargain. Convenient.
I married my husband for security and have learned to love him.
But I love him like a brother, in a sisterly kind of way. I feel I owe him.You do owe him.
Should I tell my husband how I feel and risk losing my security after all this time?No, but not because of your security. Because of your duty to him. If you want out, and you don't mind being a vow-breaker, and any minor children you have are grown – go for it. Please resist the greedy divorce lawyer imploring you to eviscerate the poor guy, though. Keep in mind that you are older than you were when you married, and if you're counting on finding another husband, your options likely won't be as good as they used to be. But if life with him isn't problematic, stay, don't say anything about this, and act with all of your might as though you are attracted to him.
I had to talk to someone, so I confided in my best friend.Well that’s a nice violation of intimacy.
She advised me to say nothing.She's smart. She should have also told you not to violate you intimacy.
My husband had an affair a few years ago, and frankly, I was secretly relieved.So he probably knows that something is up. But he stuck with you, though he did break his vows.
Sometimes I wish he was still with her.This is an example of how we really don't know what is going on for sure when we see someone stepping out on their spouse. Yes, we know that person is breaking their vows, but maybe their spouse already broke them, or is supporting of the affair.
Dear Abby responded:
My advice is to talk to your husband about making another kind of arrangement -- one in which he supports the children and possibly makes some kind of settlement with you, while you both pursue your separate lives.No. Listen to your friend, not Dear Abby.
We don't care that you aren't perfect. We want you. We need you.
ReplyDeleteWant? Maybe. Need? Definitely not.
Peter,
ReplyDeleteI'm referring to husbands, not men in general. And no, we don't need sex and nudity from our wife the way we need breathable air, but a man who is in love with, providing for, and committed to a woman in a sexual relationship usually does have a very strong physical, psychological, and emotional "hunger" for those things.
Unfortunately the situation described in this Dear Abby article is more common than we think.
ReplyDeleteWomen often *do* settle for men that do not ring their bells, because marriage is at least as much about everything else (children, property, building a life together) than it is about ringing sexual bells, but ... the problem is that it can lead to a lack of intimacy and divorce.
The most responsible thing a woman can do in that circumstance, in my opinion, is to say nothing, but to act as if she is attracted to him. She's done that long enough, she can keep on doing it. On the other hand, if the husband has broken his vows, as in this case, I would say she should be free to go if he wishes. Sure, he probably sensed a coldness from his wife, but the way you deal with that is by confronting the issue, not by having an affair.
I agree, Novaseeker. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure, Novaseeker. She was actually relieved when he had an affair, so I don't see that gives her a reason to divorce him. If it upset her, that would be different.
ReplyDeleteThis sort of thing is complex. Personally, I bet the friend knows her better than DA or us, and thus I suspect her advice is right on.
Anonymous age 67
I am reminded of a story told some years ago before I retired by a fellow worker.
ReplyDeleteHis wife worked with some other fiends. An older woman in the group fussed at times her husband did not give her enough attention. So, the fiends began telling her to divorce him. Day after day, they told her how to get the goodies from him, so finally she pulled the trigger, and indeed got a very good settlement out of the court.
Then, she came in every day really distraught, saying, "I'm so lonely I could die."
My fellow worker's wife told him, "They had me convinced I should divorce you, too. But, after seeing what divorce did to her, I think you are better than nothing, which is what she has."
He really chortled when he told me this story.
Which is where the friend probably knows she will end up. All alone.
Anonymous age 67
My wife of 34 years weighs around 100 to 110 pounds. Yeah, she's 67 years old.
ReplyDeleteBut, without going into great detail, there are moments, ahem, when she looks pretty darned good.
I will say all the saggy stuff disappears when she is flat on her back. Heh, heh. I don't know where it goes, but that is the time it is most important for her to look good to keep me perking, and she does.
You youngsters may not be able to grasp enjoying a 67 year old wife in bed**, but I do. And, it seems once she realized she will probably never have another man because of her age,she got more enthusiastic about filling my needs. Yeah we have to use KY Natural Feeling Liquid. But, it works.
In exchange for this, there are no STD's, no jealousies; etc.
Benjamin Franklin was a smart man.
If she were 40 pounds overweight, I am not sure that would be the case. Um, okay, I am sure it would not be the case. I feel for you guys married to Orcas,even young ones.
Anonymous age 67
**Or on the floor, or in the roof room. We have a new house here in Mexico, and we have been 'baptizing' every room. WE move a mattress to the floor of the next room to be baptized. I couldn't believe how good she looked in the light from the microwave's numbers on the kitchen floor!!!!
We are trying to figure out how to baptize the roof (flat concrete) under the moonlight, but our roof is visible to all living up the mountain, so I am planning to bring my old Eureka tent next trip.
Did I say Benjamin Franklin was a smart man? Heh, heh.