Caffeine is My Friend

Wanted to check in with an update on one of my "gripes".

I am consistently getting way too little sleep these days. I'm talking like five hours a night being the norm unless it's a day off. I'll return from work, having been gone for over twelve hours, and my daughter will be itching to get out of the house and burn off some energy. It's too dark already these days to take her to the local park. Instead I drive to what is basically a mall and we walk around for a while in a place that is more interesting and safer than the local park.

Then we return home and have dinner long after I should already be asleep. I'm thankful my wife makes dinner, and she notes that I do not get enough sleep. When she makes that notation, I pretty much bite my tongue. Unfortunately, I can't think of any way of address the situation without depriving my daughter or hurting my wife's feelings/getting her upset at me... which wouldn't result in change anyway. She would probably point out that the situation is temporary. It might be. I fear that it won't be, though. It seems like there has been one temporary thing after another, and they've all had the effect of keeping us from settling into a routine we both think is best. My wife has always been somewhat of a homebody, and if she doesn't feel like she can keep the kids safely under her control while out and about, she's not going to do it. But are her feelings based on reality? I'm not sure.

I feel like crap whenever it is clear that my daughter hasn't burned off enough energy during her day – like when I have had to work an extra long day and I get home too late to take her out. She'll ask me to take here somewhere, and it kills me that it would be even more impractical than usual to grand her wish.

If we had moved close to my family, my daughter would be getting outside and getting her exercise while I would be taking care of work. I enjoy spending time with my daughter, but I can enjoy it at home with her, instead of prepping her for a drive, getting her into the car, and driving there, being in a location where I have to be alert and on guard, and then driving back.

My mother and sister both tell me I need to get more sleep. But my daughter has needs, too. She didn't create this situation. So her needs come first.

Again, my gripes are relatively minor. In general, I love my life.

Thomas Friedman on President's Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

In case you haven't seen it, you should check out New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman's opinion piece on this subject. Friedman is no anti-Obama critic.

He calls on Obama to give an acceptance speech that includes this statement...

I will accept this award on behalf of the American soldiers who stand guard today at outposts in the mountains and deserts of Afghanistan to give that country, and particularly its women and girls, a chance to live a decent life free from the Taliban's religious totalitarianism.

I will accept this award on behalf of the American men and women who are still on patrol today in Iraq, helping to protect Baghdad's fledgling government as it tries to organize the rarest of things in that country and that region — another free and fair election.

I will accept this award on behalf of the thousands of American soldiers who today help protect a free and Democratic South Korea from an unfree and Communist North Korea.

I will accept this award on behalf of all the American men and women soldiers who have gone on repeated humanitarian rescue missions after earthquakes and floods from the mountains of Pakistan to the coasts of Indonesia. I will accept this award on behalf of American soldiers who serve in the peacekeeping force in the Sinai desert that has kept relations between Egypt and Israel stable ever since the Camp David treaty was signed.

I will accept this award on behalf of all the American airmen and sailors today who keep the sea lanes open and free in the Pacific and Atlantic so world trade can flow unhindered between nations.

Please check out the entire piece. I think the speech Friedman proposes would send the right message to the rest of the world in response to those who bestowed the aware on Obama because they believe he will make the USA more like Europe.

Daycare of the Year Award

Breaking news from the Associated Press...

In Lake Elsinore (Riverside County, in southern California's "Inland Empire"), there was a little mishap at a home that had recently been used as a state-licensed daycare center.

It appears that 23-year-old Benjamin Kuzelka blew his own hands off making high end explosives.

The good news, though, is that the explosives authorities found at the place should take some attention from it also being a pot farm.

Fortunately, no children were there at the time of the explosion.

Letterman and Leno

What exactly did Letterman do wrong?

As Letterman mixed wisecracks with contrition, he said his wife, Regina Lasko, had been "horribly hurt by my behavior" and stated flat-out that those affairs "are in the past."

Well of course they are in the past, by definition. This does not mean there will not be any more. However, if these affairs happened before Lasko and Letterman married, then he really doesn't have much to apologize to her about. Just because he was shacking up with her doesn't mean he was obligated not to have sex with anyone else. If he explicitly made such a promise, then he broke his promise, and that's about it. (Since Letterman doesn't publicly proclaim to follow Christ, I'm not applying Biblical standards.) He has more obligation to apologize to her for knocking her up out of wedlock and not marrying her until after the baby was born, shacking up with her for years. Even then, she consented to all of that, right?

During the hour, Letterman apologized to his staff, which, he said, had been subjected to "being browbeaten and humiliated" by reporters since his revelations.

And then there are the sexual harassment and favoritism issues. If we're going to have government regulation of employer-employee relations, then sexual harassment needs to be treated seriously. We can't only apply it to unattractive conservative men who aren't wealthy or powerful.

Letterman, 62, began dating Lasko in 1986, and they have a son, Harry, who was born in November 2003. All the affairs took place before Letterman's marriage, said Tom Keaney, spokesman for Letterman's production company.

So why the apologies - honestly? We expect a man to only sleep with a woman to whom he has no formal commitment? Why would it be okay for him to fornicate with her, but not other women?

But the CBS producer accused of blackmailing Letterman used pages from a former assistant's diary that described an affair with the "Late Show" host, a law enforcement official said Monday. The ex-assistant, Stephanie Birkitt, went to live with CBS News producer Robert Halderman, who found her diary describing her relationship with Letterman and used it to help blackmail him, the law enforcement official said Monday on the condition of anonymity because the investigation was ongoing.

Gotta love those physical diaries that some people keep around. She probably also told all of her girlfriends too, giving every detail imaginable. But the written word is something else – especially in the hands of a desperate and perhaps jealous guy.

For a celebrity the caliber of Hugh Grant, publicity - including speculation of career suicide - was unavoidable when he was arrested with a prostitute on Hollywood's Sunset Strip. But then he retreated to NBC's "The Tonight Show" to try to explain.

What was to explain? It was easy for Hugh Grant to get sex. Guys like him go to prostitutes for one or both of the following reasons: 1. He wants the woman to go away and leave him alone after they have sex; 2. He has some sort of fetish, or perhaps a somewhat normal desire, that his girlfriend won't accommodate.

Back to Letterman – some people are calling on CBS to dump him. I don't know if they should or not. What would happen to the average CBS employee under the circumstances? But on the other hand, isn't Letterman more of an independent contractor? His actions are a liability for his own production company for sure – someone could easily sue for sexual harassment. It is probably a liability for CBS, too, but as the article says, ratings are way up because of this.

People screw up and have sex with people they shouldn't. Letterman is just the latest in a long line where it has gone public. I don't think he was doing right by his employees, and I also don't think he was doing right by Lasko, but that is more about things to which she willingly consented. Although I haven't committed these sins (sex with employees, "cheating" on a shack up), anyone who reads this blog knows I've done plenty of wrongs of my own.

The fact is, if CBS dropped his show, he would be able to go elsewhere easily. That gets me into my other topic, which I am keeping short. NBC already runs Leno at 10pm (Eastern/Pacific), eliminating five expensive hourlong dramas from the schedule. ABC could do the same by taking Letterman aboard. Some TV industry people blame Leno for reducing good TV jobs. But considering that even with five less evening hours for drama programming, NBC is still running SVU twice a week (showing the same episode twice), is Leno really to blame? Looks like NBC would have dropped at least five hours of drama with or without Leno.

Another Statistic

Looks like we have another case of a bad boy knocking up a woman, then making her life hell until he finally murdered her. Ah, but there will be no trial for him. This comes from the Orange County Register, and takes place in beautiful Anaheim, home of the Angels and Disneyland.

A man wanted on suspicion of abducting his 5-year-old son and killing the boy's mother and her boyfriend earlier in the day was shot by police Wednesday night and later declared dead, officials said.

About 6 p.m., undercover officers fired at and wounded Anthony Castillo, 31, who they suspect killed Heather Courtney Sorensen, 31, and Stephen Rene Serna, 35, according to Anaheim police Sgt. Rick Martinez.

Stephen chose to date a single mother of a minor child – which is a no-no, whether you are just looking for sex or a looking for marriage. Sadly, he paid for it with his life. His poor family.

Martinez said Castillo was armed and a gun was found near him.

Even if there had been no gun found, it would have been reasonable for cops to assume he was armed, after what he did.

Castillo is suspected of shooting to death Sorensen, the mother of his son, and her boyfriend, Serna, during a confrontation around 5:45 a.m.

More proof that Serna was neither a category 3 nor 4. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been there at that time. Category 4 types don't linger after the deed, and don't shack up.

Castillo showed up at the apartment – armed with a gun – and got into a shouting argument with Sorensen, Martinez said. The confrontation ended when Castillo fatally shot the two, police said.

This is one of the things that can go very wrong when you get involved with the wrong people.

After the shooting, Castillo was seen running through the apartment complex with his 5-year-old son… An Amber Alert was issued to help locate the missing child, and he was found safe around 10 a.m. at his grandparents' home

At least the son wasn't physically harmed. He's been subjected to enough evil with the drama he's no doubt lived with since he was born, and being present at the murder of his mother.

Castillo has had previous encounters with law enforcement as recently as two weeks ago, when police were called to Sorensen’s apartment regarding a domestic dispute involving Castillo, Martinez said.

Sounds like a real prince.

What a horrible story all around. The one upside is that the taxpayers will not be paying for a trial, endless appeals, and lifetime incarceration with food and medical care for the murderer. I don't know for certain another person's heart or their relationship with God (or whether their brain was literally broken to the point of uncontainable insanity), but as someone who does believe in both Heaven and Hell, I can take a guess where Castillo is spending eternity.

Ladies, be very careful who you let in to your body.

Cubs and Other Cougar Partners

I'm not talkin' wild animals. Dear Abby checked in on the cougar issue. The follow-up for this one is still on the way, I think. It will be interesting to see the responses.

"COUGAR" IN NEW YORK wrote:

I am a 59-year-old woman who has been dating men in their 40s.

Good for you.

At first, I refused because I thought they were too young for me and people might laugh.

People might be jealous and envious, too.

Since then, I have decided that as long as they know from the beginning that I'm not looking for a serious committed relationship, I'd be happy to go out.

Good policy.

Abby, why do you think younger men are attracted to older women?

Dear Abby responded:

If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because many older women are independent, self-confident, worldly and not looking for commitment. Those qualities can be very attractive if a man isn't looking for commitment either.

Yeah, pretty much. If a guy is just looking for someone to be on his arm, and doesn't want the bratty drama of someone closer to his age or significantly younger – someone more likely to "fall in love" or get an idea that this will lead to a lifelong commitment – then it can be a good thing. An older woman, in addition to being more socially adept when the couple encounters other people on their date, is more likely to recognize when she is developing an attachment that she shouldn't and take corrective action. Often, she keeps up on current events and can talk about them, unlike a lot of younger women.

If a guy is just looking or sex, older women bring experience, a lack in inhibition, and more of an ability to be discreet.

Either way, she is less likely to be financially needy – in fact, she may actually reverse the money dynamic and pick up the tab and buy the guy gifts. There’s the risk – that the older woman will attract a gigolo.

Also, just like with gals, it makes a young guy feel like he's somehow superior to his peers if someone older and more accomplished/established is interested in spending time with him. Usually this notion is self-delusion.

I wrote about my first relationship with an older woman in this blog entry.

As far as I know, the oldest woman I was ever involved with was in her 50s. If she was older than that, well, then she looked young for her age. I was in the waning years of my 20s at the time. As far as I know she was childless. We spent about two weeks together, and she definitely knew what she was doing and how to please a guy. We both knew at the time that we were not going to be a couple. We didn't live anywhere near each other, and that wasn't going to change. She reported in one of our last contacts that she'd married a guy closer to her age – a guy who had been in her life as long as I'd been in contact with her. She'd previously presented their relationship as platonic, but for all I know she was married to him all along... though I doubt it and I hope not.

Yes, in general, younger women are physically more attractive to men than older women. However, that doesn't necessarily translate into a good date or good sex. So while women are out there dating older men and thus not available for guys their age, some guys their age will happily pass the time with the older women. It can work for dating. It rarely is a good idea when it comes to marriage.

Temper

I screwed up recently at home. I lost my temper because I was frustrated about something (not someone) that was causing stuff to break. When I lose my temper, I don't break things (after all, I was upset about something being broken to begin with). I don't belittle people, I certainly don't throw things – at people or otherwise – or hit or push anyone. What I do, though, is cuss, or swear, or what have you. Mainly it is the s--- word. Perhaps even the f--- word.

I know I shouldn't do it, and I know I especially shouldn't do it when my kids are within earshot. But I do – every now and then.

My punishment doesn't involve putting money into a swear jar.

My punishment is my wife dropping the possibility of lovemaking later that day/night. She may not look it that way. She says my losing my temper "isn't a turn on" so forget about any plans to fool around later. So, essentially, she is saying she is turned off by my fit.

Here's the thing though, at least with the most recent fit. Right now, for reasons I'm not going to get into, my wife's body is pretty much off limits anyway. Temporarily (for reasons I do believe are valid), she won't let me make love to her in any form other than kissing and rubbing her shoulders. I wish it wasn't so, because I really like to do whatever I can to bring those kinds of pleasures to her, and I enjoy her body.

But being the good wife that she is, she still - though not as often as I'd like - wants to take care of me... Except when I have had a fit.

Maybe I just don't understand female sexuality, but I didn't think a woman had to be sexually aroused for her hand or mouth to work. Since it's not like we're going to be attempting intercourse, I'm not sure why she needs to be turned on anyway. That is what makes me think this is a matter of punishment, not simply a matter of my actions turning her off.

Of course I'd like for her to be turned on. I'd like to also take care of all of her itches.

I suppose it is one of the differences between men and women. Most men would only withhold sex from a woman with whom he's sexually active if he has lost trust in her, and thinks she has been fooling around or is trying to trap him with a pregnancy he doesn't want. She could have just destroyed our prized collection of mobster movies, bought more shoes she doesn't need, and wrecked our favorite car through negligent driving. We'd still gladly jump into the sack. We might leave or kick her out right afterwards, but we wouldn't turn down sex. Some women, conversely, withhold sex as a punishment, and treat sex like a bargaining chip.

Any thoughts? I mean, besides the fact that I need to bite my tongue?

Today's Show is Brought to You By the Letter I

Wow, there was a bit of a theme running this morning on Yahoo: incest.

If you read this blog, you know I check Dear Abby regularly. I find it on Yahoo while looking over the news there.

In the installment of Dear Abby that was posted today, GRIEVING IN MASSACHUSETTS wrote:

For 15 years I was a happily married homemaker with a wonderful husband. "Duncan" and I attended church together, frolicked through the fields, even exterminated rodents together. He was my best friend. It was bliss.

Last year I found out my father had had an affair with Duncan's mother the year I was born, which makes him my half-brother!

Well, yes, if Duncan's mother was not fooling around with anyone else. I guess the implication here is that she was unmarried.

The news was too much for my husband. He had a fatal heart attack not long after.

This is yet another reason not to have sex with anyone other than your spouse, and not to donate eggs or sperm. In this case, this woman's father and Duncan's mother were likely in the same social or professional circle, and so it wasn't a stretch for GRIEVING and Duncan to meet and fall in love and marry. But there was likely another aspect that was at work, something that happens when siblings or children grow up apart from their sibling or parent, and are later reunited. Some people label it "genetic sexual attraction". Duncan probably reminded her somewhat of her father - and for good reason. Duncan probably saw a bit of himself in her. And since they didn't grow up with the mindframe of "this is my sibling", they instead first looked at each other as a male and a female.

Unless there was some reason that both Duncan's mother and GRIEVING'S father were not around leading up to the wedding, it was evil on their part to compound their earlier sin by not warning their children that they might be (or likely were) half-siblings.

You've probably also heard (or will hear of) Mackenzie Phillips' claim involving incest. The Associated Press reported:

Former child star Mackenzie Phillips said Wednesday her father, John Phillips, who was a leader of the 1960s pop group the Mamas and the Papas, raped her when she was a teenager and that her sexual relationship with him later became what she termed "consensual."

Mackenzie Phillips writes in her new book, "High on Arrival," that she had sex with her father on the night before she was to get married in 1979 at age 19, according to People magazine.

I hope that this is really a way to sell more books, and not reality. Of course, her father isn't around to defend himself.

She told "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in an interview that aired Wednesday that her siblings "definitely have a problem with this."

Well of course they do! They are probably wondering why their dad didn't find them attractive enough to have sex with, too. Or maybe he did, and he was "cheating" on them with you.

Phillips, who starred on TV's "One Day at a Time," said the sexual relationship with her father lasted a decade and ended when she became pregnant and didn't know who had fathered the child. She had an abortion, which her father paid for, and "and I never let him touch me again."

Most likely, the child was not abnormal (beyond the parentage – drugs were likely more of a harm to the child than her grandfather being her father), and even if the child had some abnormalities, why kill an innocent baby created by consensual behavior? Why not adopt out? To hide it all from the media and your husband (if you were married at the time)?

Also, how can a husband compete with the bond his wife has with her father if it is also a sexual bond? What a rotten thing to do to a spouse. So "consensual" incest does have victims - children and spouses included.

Phillips said the sexual relationship, although she believes it became consensual, was "an abuse of power" and "a betrayal" on her father's part.

Yes, and that is one of the problems with it, although there are other consensual sexual relationships that are an abuse of power, too.

"I can't be the only one this has happened to," Phillips said. "Someone needs to put a face on consensual incest."

Why? Hey, if anyone is going to do it, I'd rather it be Angelina Jolie. (I am not accusing Jolie of actually being, as rumored, incestuous. But she is a hotter "face".)

Actually, people have already tried to put on a face on this. There have been features in the mainstream media on consensual incest, especially involving siblings who grew up apart. That one famous person claims to have done it likely isn't going to make a difference. And again, why do we want there to be a difference? Shouldn't this be one of those things a person keeps private? Or does she want to warn others of the perils of consensual incest?

Given the drugs and how the Phillips started (by her own claim), I don't know if this was really consensual. Certainly the writer to Dear Abby did not consent in that she did not know her husband was her half-brother, so that was definitely not consensual.

Will we see more famous people coming forward with tales like this?

The Five Basic Groups

There may some exceptions, but I think most heterosexual adults fall into one of these five categories when it comes to relating to the opposite sex.

1. Present Day Peer Pressure Norm – These are people who seek a girlfriend or boyfriend by dating and having sex, and if they find a boyfriend/girlfriend and that lasts long enough or conditions otherwise make it convenient, they move in together – or one moves into the other's place. If that lasts long enough, or perhaps because of pregnancy or children, they get married. The timing of the wedding is often determined by when it will be convenient to have the best party they can.

2. Independents – These are people who do not want to not want to marry and have children under current conditions, and do not seek sex. They'd rather live alone. They do not rely on someone of the opposite sex to entertain them on a regular basis, or financially support them. My guess is that there are many more men in this category than women, many of them identifying as "Men Going Their Own Way".

3. Marriage and Family Minded - These are people who are - or seek to be - married, and usually to be parents as well. They tend to place these desires over immediate sexual gratification and over living high on the hog.

4. Pleasure Seekers – These are hedonists, materialists, narcissists, game-players, or people who desire material possessions/expensive living and/or exploring sexual freedom over and above any desire to be parents or to be married, and intentionally behave toward these ends. Women in this category tend to seek to extract as much wealth from men as possible, by marriage if necessary. Men in this category tend to seek as much sex from as many different women as possible.

5. Passive/Confused – These people let life wash over them. They may get married because their partner pressures them into it, or simply asks. They may become parents because their partner asked for it. They don't display strong desires or a cohesive pattern of behavior towards a lifestyle goal. They may not have any idea what they really want. Guys in this category take sex when it falls into their laps (so to speak), unless, perhaps, they happen to be married to someone else, and tend to knock up their girlfriends or casual dates simply because they were too lazy to use a condom. Women in this category are easy prey for males who just want casual sex, and men in this category are easy prey for women who want someone else to pay their bills or just want some attention. These people are not likely to be the kind of people who accomplish a whole lot, professionally or otherwise. They tend to let their immediate feelings and emotions "lead" them, especially their sex drive.

Notes:

Pop culture mostly assumes and reinforces category 1.

As far as I can tell, followers of Christ, if they are being true to their faith, can only fall under 2 or 3.

Some people in category 2 date, but those who do so should be very clear of their intentions with their dates; they are best off dating other people from category 2 if they are going to date at all.

People in category 3 should avoid dating/courting anyone in any other category.

People in category 4 should avoid dating people in categories 2 and 3. When people from 4 date each other, unless they are both looking just for casual sex, it is a battle to see who “wins” – in other words, how much money a golddigger can get out of a guy relative to how much sex he’s getting, or how much sex a guy can get spending as little as possible. Leykis 101 is in this category, teaching guys how to "get more sex for less money".

Some people in 2 and 4 are in those categories because they are highly driven individuals who want to focus on career, wealth building, and other personal interests or things that are either solitary or done with friends and believe that serious relationships, marriage, and parenting are a hindrance to these things.

People in categories 1, 4, and 5 may be likely to engage in "hook-ups". Guys in category 4 count on it.

It is possible that someone will change categories based on life experience, religious conversion or awakening, or whatever.

Am I being too simplistic? Am I missing a significant category? I plan to referring back to this list in future blog entries – that’s the point of this list in the first place.

Scary Parole Possibility

It’s like a plot from Law & Order: SVU. I wouldn’t be surprised if they use this.

A prosecutor from Orange County, California, traveled to a state prison to argue against paroling a serial child molester who was a fugitive for almost 30 years. Larry Welborn of the Orange County Register has the story. And if you go to the website, you can see a picture of this guy. Creepy.

George Joseph England, 65, was captured in Florida in 2006, extradited to Orange County and sentenced to four consecutive one-year-to-life-in-prison terms for molesting three young girls in Costa Mesa in the mid 1970s.

He also molested a Vietnamese girl – whom he purchased from her mother while the war raged in Vietnam – for years while he claimed her as his adopted daughter, according to prosecutors.

Have you lost your appetite yet?

When he sentenced England to prison in September 2006, Superior Court Judge Robert Fitzgerald said "I expect that you will die in prison."

But after serving only three years for the molestations in Costa Mesa, England became eligible for his first parole hearing because of the laws that were on the books in the 1970s.

Senior Deputy District Attorney Rebecca Olivieri, of the DA's Special Prosecutions Unit, will attend the hearing to oppose parole for England on behalf of the Orange County District Attorney.

I hope Ms. Olivieri was highly persuasive.

He was convicted of those charges in Orange County Superior Court in 1977, but was allowed to remain free in lieu of bail pending his sentencing so that he could tidy up his affairs.

But instead of showing up in court, England removed the Vietnamese girl from protective custody and fled, spending the next 29 years as a fugitive until he was captured in Florida.

Oh, Floridian alligators - you failed me. You could have incapacitated this guy in such a way and place so that the abundant insects of Florida could have had their way with him over several painful days. Oh well. Prison must be loads of fun for this guy.

UPDATE: He was denied parole for now, but he'll be up for release again soon.

She Didn't Get the Liberation Memo

There's nothing like young "love" problems as expressed in a letter to Dear Abby.

DESPERATE IN TUCSON wrote:

I'm 19 and currently dating a guy I can't stand.

So much for liberation. Generations of women and girls didn't have a choice in the matter, but you do, sister. Don't waste your freedom.

I don't know what to do.

Dump him. You are being unfair to both of you, and probably a lot of people around you.

He's leaving next year and my friends tell me I should just bear with it until then.

Why? You could be spending your time better and so could he. Are your friends afraid you'll be worse to deal with without him? Why would they want you to endure him?
Do they all insist on double-dating? Will they not hang out with you for girl time?

I also don't feel comfortable with premarital sex, but he's sure he can change my mind.

That's because he's young. Why would he want to change your mind? If he wants to pursue sex at his age with girls he doesn't even really like, he's better off with a girl who at least has experience. Less work, more fun, less likely she will stalk him down the line.

He constantly reminds me how "patient" he can be about it.

Especially if he is getting some somewhere else, which he may be. But perhaps he considers you a challenge. It is stupid on his part.

I feel like hiding in my room and not answering the phone.

You are letting this ruin your life. Dump him and move on. Don't take his calls. Do not hear him out if he hounds you in person. If he persists, get a restraining order. It he gets violent, prosecute.

There are over six billion people in the world. That one person is not right for you as a romantic prospect still leaves more people to learn about than you'll ever have time to date. It is ridiculous to waste your time and energy on someone who is such a mismatch for you.

I speak from experience.

Life got so much better for me when I resolved not to ever again continue to date someone when it was more trouble than it was worth. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to be trouble as a date. Someone can be a great person and not right for you. So I promised myself I wasn't going to put up with any crap, or do things I didn't want to do in order to get along with someone to whom I had no obligation. I wasn't going to fight, argue, or be disrespected. And it worked. Less time and money wasted, less heartache. That approach is part of what helped me find my wife.

At 19, you should be first and foremost focusing on your education/career. In dating, you should be dating different guys, learning more about what you like and don't like in them. Why tie yourself down to one person until you are ready to marry? That was one of the mistakes I made at 19. But I deluded myself into thinking there could be a future with my girlfriend at the time. You are under no such delusion.

Be free! Revel in your liberation!

A Widower and Male Day Care Provider

Both of these guys recently had their letters printed in Dear Abby.

BETWEEN LOST AND FOUND wrote:

I lost my wife of 10 years after a long battle with cancer.

That is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. Ugh. The poor guy.

I am 50 and have a 10-year-old son. If it wasn't for raising my son, I don't think I'd even want to live anymore, but the good Lord gave me this job, and I want to make sure I do it well.

He's depressed. That is not unusual after what he's been through. Our lives have inherent worth regardless of whether or not we have a partner, though.

It is very lonely at times without a woman around.

Yes, that it is typical for a widower to feel that way. There are guys who live full lives without ever getting married, though. He needs to keep himself involved in things he enjoys than he can do with his kid, friends, or by himself. If he is just talking about sex and doesn't have a moral compulsion to abstain outside of marriage (which I officially endorse), then he can get snipped, make sure his sperm count is zero, and have casual encounters when his kid is at school, sports practice, or at a friend's house, so that his kid doesn't have to deal with the women. But try to avoid bringing these women back to where you live, sir, or they could be a problem for you and your son when things sour. Try to keep those casual encounters at their place.

When I do get out and meet women 40 to 50 years old and they hear I have a spoiled kid at home, they turn away.

They don't want to deal with the baggage. You son doesn't need them. He needs you. Nothing will ever replace his mother, but he needs your attention more because she isn't here.

I know at my age I should be a grandpa.

Says who? Maybe that is the way you thought your life would go, but it should have been evident when you didn't have a child until age 40 that you weren't going to be a grandfather at 50 - whether or not your wife survived.

Is there any chance for me to find another lasting love to spend the rest of my life with?

Yes. But give it time. Concentrate on your boy. He needs you. You'll make a better choice in a partner when you get some distance between the loss of your wife and when you find someone else. I think of Paul McCartney, who apparently had a wonderful marriage with Linda, and then she died, and then he expected to find something like he had with Linda again, married Heather Mills, and paid dearly for it. Lasting, happy marriages are not the norm these days, unfortunately, and if you had one happy marriage, consider yourself ahead of the odds.

Dear Abby responded:

Plenty of women would find you attractive, and not be turned off by the fact that you are raising a son. I'm talking about single women with children of their own to raise.

How about we not mess up everyone's lives more than they are already messed up? The Brady Bunch was light-hearted idealistic fiction. It rarely works out anywhere near that well. His son doesn't need the competition, the favoritism, and the drama.

PAUL FROM PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

As a child care provider for a local program in my hometown, I am often treated differently because I am a male.

That could be because of sexism. It could also be because men and women are different. There's probably a mixture of both.

If women can do anything men can -- including the same job -- shouldn't the opposite be true?

It's not really true. Men are generally physically larger and stronger and can run faster than women, and are generally unable to naturally carry a child inside of them and lactate to feed that child. Men even tend to have a different biological reaction to crying babies than women.

Do you think society will ever completely accept male teachers and child care workers?

Probably not. Teaching used to be a decidedly male profession – think seminaries. But times change. Secretaries used to be male, until typing became the norm and the hands of women proved better at typing. Some things change over the years, but some things don't.

Dear Abby responded:

Male teachers and child care workers can give fatherless children something that female teachers cannot -- a male role model with whom they can identify.

It is interesting that Dear Abby seems to think male role models are important, yet from what I've read in her columns, she doesn't think there is anything wrong with a two women deliberately bringing children into a fatherless situation. Maybe I've misread her. I'd love to be wrong about this.

While it may be good advice to encourage a single/widowed/divorced mother parenting a child with no father in the picture to seek male role models (her own father, her brother, teachers, coaches) to be a strong male presence mentoring the child, my advice to males is to avoid putting yourself in the position where you can be accused of abusing someone else's child. Men are not trusted, and the accusation alone is enough to ruin you for life. These men, especially if they have their own children to take care of, need to consider protecting themselves over the needs of someone else's child. It is sad, and if more guys took that advice there would be fewer mentors for kids, but that is the world we have created. Male teachers and coaches should never be alone with a student behind closed doors, for example – that way, it will be much more difficult to accuse them of abuse.

Suicide

I came across this on a Los Angeles Times blog entry by Shari Roan.

About 32,000 U.S. adults kill themselves each year. But millions more think about suicide or even make plans to kill themselves, according to a new national survey. The 2008 survey found that an estimated 8.3 million people ages 18 and older -- 3.7% of the adult population -- had serious thoughts of suicide in the previous year.

I used to have suicidal thoughts, but that was mostly when I was under 18. I never actually made plans to kill myself. I was an emotional kid, full of passion, and it was easy for other kids to get a rise out of me or tears by picking on me. The nature of where I lived meant dealing with the same jerks throughout most of my childhood, and they would gladly use something embarrassing from years back to nastily hound me. If I got into a fight instead of just letting myself be teased or literally pushed around, I would get in trouble for fighting. I can remember my father getting called in to school because I bit another kid in the arm. The thing is, I bit his arm because he had it wrapped around my mouth from behind. I begged my parents to let me transfer elementary schools. They declined, saying I would have the same problems. As it turns out, my school got shut down and I spent a year at that other school (along with some of the other students from my old school). Even with some those other students, my problems lessened. Maybe I matured, but I doubt that was it. Unfortunately, everyone was back together the next year as there was only one junior high school, and so there were hell to deal with.

I also hated things like my voice. I was very self-conscious about it. If my father told me to (usually in more polite words) to shut up, I was convinced it wasn’t because I was speaking out of turn, but because he hated my voice. Looking back, he never actually gave me any indication that he didn’t like my voice, and it probably didn’t bother him at all. Ironically, as an adult, people compliment me on my voice all of the time. It has changed a lot, of course. I remember uh… actress… Denise Richards saying she was teased for her odd looks as a young teenager, and the irony was that later, when she grew up a little, she was considered beautiful. It is kind of like that with my voice. I got picked on for my hair, too, but like my voice, my hair turned out to be one of my best features.

There was also the sudden loss of my best-friend-from-birth when we were barely eleven years old. He was killed in an accident.

It didn't help that I paid attention to the news, and between some of the crap they fed to us in public school and the alarmist doom-and-gloom news, it seemed like life was hell and was only going to get worse. The air and water pollution were going to kill us if AIDS didn't. There may have also been some inherited biological depression - I never bothered to seek a diagnosis.

I look back and see that in general, I had a very good childhood. But kids don't have perspective. So there were times I felt like it would be better if I killed myself.

Thankfully, I was still young when I decided that life was too short as it was. Then, in my late teens, I picked up a hobby and a related job far enough away from where I grew up that I was essentially getting a blank slate. People would see me for who I was then, not the seven-year-old or eleven-year-old kid I once was. It was a tremendous help. I get plenty of respect and compliments in my professional life and my hobby life. I still have trouble accepting compliments from anyone other than my wife. My mother, generally a great mother, somehow gave me the idea that anyone outside of the family who complimented me was doing it for some ulterior motive. Old notions can have a hard time dying.

Something else that helped was that I discovered that my life doesn't belong to me. It took years for the full understanding of that to sink it, but it helped to at least know from the start that God didn't want me to kill myself.

It has been many years since I've had a suicidal thought. I do believe that there is almost always hope to improve whatever situation one is in. I would implore almost anyone that suicide is not the solution. I write almost because it could very well be better for the rest of us if a murderer, rapist, or child abuser who can't seem to stop such behaviors took themselves out of the picture. For everyone else - there are people around to help. There are solutions to problems. Life can improve. Just find help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline coordinates a network of 140 crisis centers around the country to provide help at any time of the day or night.

Here's their number: 1-800-273-TALK

Suspected Burglar Killed

If you've read my past blog entries on crime, you know that I think that just about anything bad that happens to you while you are trying to commit a property or personal crime is your own darn fault. I have little sympathy for someone hurt or killed while trying to harm someone else.

Jack Leonard and Robin Mayper report in this Los Angeles Times blog:

A suspected burglar was killed early today [Sunday] when a heavy metal gate fell on him as he tried to break into a South Los Angeles business complex, authorities said.

Police believe the man was trying to slip past the gate in the 1800 block of East 41st Place near Alameda Street when he was crushed, said Los Angeles Police Lt. Faryl Fletcher

I would include the guy's name, but they didn't have it yet.

The real tragedy is that some family member of this guy will probably get lots of money from the gate manufacturer and the property owner.

CRI Off SoCal Airwaves

The 3pm weekday hour used to be so crowded with radio shows I wanted to hear. Tom Leykis and Larry Elder are both gone. I just found out that "The Bible Answer Man", the Christian Research Institute's radio show, has been off the air in the Los Angeles area for at least a month.

That tells you how often I was listening lately. (If I've been listening to radio at that hour, it has usually been John & Ken on KFI.)

I've written about the BAM show before - just check the "CRI" or "Christian Research Institute" tags at the end of this entry.

To think that southern California is where the program had its origin for so many years, and now it is barely heard anywhere in California. I remember when both KKLA 99.5 and KWVE 107.9 (Calvary Chapel's radio station) ran the program at the same time, until KWVE dropped it and had their own call-in apologetics show.

I guess CRI President (and show host) Hank figures "Who needs KKLA? We've got XM and podcasting!" But I have yet to get into the podcast habit myself. I feel like such an old man.

Hank, Larry, and Tom... now there is a diverse bunch. Diverse opinions and views make ya think, though.

Friends First Revisited

We can revisit the "friends first" issue with this edition of Dear Abby. WANTS MORE IN NEW JERSEY wrote:

I'm a 22-year-old male who has never been in a serious relationship.

Good. You shouldn't be in one until you are 25, or have achieved your dream and are established and looking for marriage.

About six months ago, I went away to grad school and met a girl. We have become good friends. We talk a lot and I flirt, but I'm not sure if she's flirting back.

She laughs at my stupid jokes and touches me when we joke around, but I think she may regard me as just a friend. I enjoy having her as a friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I'd like to be more than just friends.

It could be too late. She probably thinks of you as her gay friend.

Should I take the chance and tell her how I feel and risk our friendship -- or let things remain the way they are?

This is why you should be dating at least a few women. If this woman is interested in you "romantically", it would become very obvious when she realizes you are going out on a date with another woman. She may even try to compete for your attention.

Be prepared to be dropped the minute she finds a guy who actually makes a move. Such is the case with a lot of male-female "friendships". Either you are just being somewhat of a platonic surrogate, or her new guy will not want you around, because he knows you would make a move if you ever worked up the guts.

Dear Abby responded:

A clue that she might be mutually attracted to you is the fact that she touches you.

Women do that with their gay friends.

Chances are, if she did consider him a possibility early on, she's long since moved on mentally. Unless she likes being reminded that she's not attractive enough to this guy for him to make a move.

Look, I used to be the guy who silently pined away for the girl. I'm sure there were a lot of junior high school kids in the same boat. I should have grown out of it by high school, but I didn't. It’s no way to live.

Man up. Learn to accept rejection. If you are most like most single guys, you consider any woman who doesn't repulse you to be a potential date. So ask different women. Some will say yes. What’s your goal? Are you a marriage-and-family-minded guy? If so, then your dates now will help you pick your wife – later... when you are done with graduate school and professionally established. If you're just looking for "a good time", then you can find that easily. But don't become friends with them first, because that'll just give them the wrong idea.

Teen Boy Worries About Being Inexperienced

Let's lighten things up. Time to check in on Dear Abby again. IN THE MINORITY IN PALATINE, ILL. wrote:

I'm a 16-year-old male high school sophomore in what I think is a pretty common predicament. A lot of my friends have had sex, and some are having it pretty regularly.

Really? Have you seen them doing it? Some of them probably are. There are probably some who have done it that you don't even know about, but some that you think have might not have had sex at all.

Abby, I've never even kissed a girl!

This isn't a problem.

When I was your age, I was in the same boat, and I went on to have some great relationships and I found a great wife. But back when I was your age, I thought I was some sort of freak for not having a girlfriend and for not having kissed. Actually, I had a girlfriend of sorts, but she was more like a pen pal. I know it seems like "everyone" has a girlfriend and is having sex, but it just isn't true.

I know you're bombarded with sexual thoughts and wanting to connect with girls and be as "accomplished" as you think your friends are, but you're better off focusing on your studies and a hobby or sport, finding out what you like to do and what you can do well, researching your options and planning your educational and professional future, and spending time with friends and family. Before you know it, you'll be 18, high school will be behind you, and life will be radically different.

You do not need to get an STD, knock up some girl, or get involved with some immature girl who will put you through an emotional roller coaster. Also, if you focus on the other things, you are more likely to be professionally and financially successful. And guess what? The more successful you are, the hotter the women you will be able to choose from. I know, I know... you want that companionship NOW - but time will go by faster and faster. Trust me. A lot of your friend who are having sex? In fifteen years a lot of them will be miserable. If you stick to the game plan, they will be envying you.

How can I deflect attention from myself when my friends ask me how far I've gone?

Tell them you prefer to keep some things private. If they accuse you of being gay or inexperienced, say, "If that's what you want to believe, I can't stop you." If this is really a problem with your friends, then maybe you need some new friends.

And what can I do to make sure I am not in this spot forever?

This will take care of itself if you see above. My best advice is that when you get to college and you seem to be handling your studies and any job you have well, try approaching some girls that catch your eye. Try to avoid girls from work unless you do not care about keeping your job. Ask a girl in class if she wants to study with you, or work on a project together. Ask them out – give a specific night. Some will say no, but if you keep at it, some will say yes. You have to risk the "no" to get a "yes". It hurts, but you'll learn to deal with it. Go out with them, but don't do anything to give them the impression that you are looking for a serious relationship, because you shouldn't do that until you are older and more established. Don't tell them you are only dating them. Try to date different women so you can get an idea of what you like and don’t like in dealing with them and don't get too serious with any one of them.

Dear Abby responded:

Some of your friends may be having sex, but I have a flash for you. A lot of the boys who say they are may be lying to each other.

And some of them are doing it with a teacher. But it's irrelevant. He shouldn't be having sex, and there's nothing wrong with not having kissed a girl at that age.

Here comes the worst advice she could give this kid:

In order to kiss a girl (etc.), you first have to become friends with one.

No! NO! NOOOOO!

Kid, don't listen to that. Once you get in the "friend" category, you'll never get to kiss her, except maybe the way her gay male friends kiss her - on the cheek. "Friends first" is a lie women tell men, sometimes just because they want the attention or someone to do their bidding - meanwhile, the guy goes without affection because once she places you in the "friend" pile, it is a miracle if you ever get into the "romance" line with her. They make romantic comedy movies like that, but they also make movies featuring singing chipmunks. That's what we call fantasy.

I'm not sure about girls, but women know within the first few minutes of meeting you if they would ever want to make out with you. If they don't want to, but you are nice or somehow useful, you'll end up in the friend pile.

Yes, ideally, your girlfriend should become your friend, but after you have already established the situation as a potential girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I was friendly with the women I dated before I dated them, but not their friend, unless we had already established a flirting "relationship". The one exception was my first lover, which I wrote about here. But the key there was that she was attracted to me from the start.

Dear Abby's advice is a demonstrable lie. Boys much younger than you are getting kisses... and oral sex and intercourse from girls without being friends. Now, my best advice is above, and I would not encourage a boy to engage in that kind of activity.

You sound like you don't know what you want other than some affection. That's all the more reason you should occupy yourself with other stuff. However, if you really want kisses and sex and won't listen to my best advice, you can get those things without making your life too complicated or working too hard at it.

The age of consent in Illinois is 17. So, if you want to do everything legally, then you should wait until your 17 and only go after females 17 or older. Older women who date younger guys often do so for mostly physical reasons. Still, even at 16, you can probably find some unmarried older women hot for a young guy and willing to break the law. We're talking late 20s (which is older to you) and older. That's a risky way to go, though. You may end up buried in the back yard, or paying child support if the condom leaks, and then you've screwed up the life of a child, provided she even lets the child live.

These women can probably be found around town, and you can get to them if you offer to take care of their lawn and handyman jobs around their place for "college money". That gives you a legitimate reason to be at their place. Most of the females 17-20 that you even want to date are seeing older men or in serious relationships - that's why going older works.

To get a kiss from another 16-year-old or 15-year-old or whatever... well, I certainly didn't know how do to that when I was your age, but I know it isn't by being their friend. I had female friends at that age. None of them kissed me or gave off a vibe that they wanted me to kiss them. Perhaps you should go to a party and try to get a girl that catches your eye (and doesn't have a boyfriend) to go somewhere more secluded... or maybe for a walk. If you can't get a kiss from her there, you can try to at least establish that you'll call/text to set up a date.

As long as you don’t act like "the friend" or desperate, you can move the situation towards a kiss. Maybe you can go see a movie together. Don't talk too much on the date, because anything you say may turn her off. Remember, you're not looking for a wife in that situation, just a date. Ask questions about her and what she likes to do and what interests her. Don't let on if you think what she says is silly or lame. Just keep her talking. She'll feel more and more comfortable with you and thus, more willing to kiss. If nothing else, you'll learn more about life from her.

I hope that helps.

It just occurred to me that you are probably being raised by your mother without your father around. In the old days, a lot of fathers would take their boy to a prostitute to break him in. I strongly advise against that. Besides, it is being given away for free now. But if I am correct about your parental situation, you may have noticed that your mom talks about what a jerk your father is/was. Notice: she didn't say he's a friend. He wasn't a friend. He was such a jerk that he turned her on. So much so that she had sex with him.

Alcoholism, Infidelity – Part II

This blog entry is the last part (for now) of a short series dealing with my gripes. You can read the introduction here. You can read the first part of this gripe (the entry immediately prior to this one) here. I wrote about the things I'm thankful for about my wife and our marriage in this entry.

My wife knew she wanted to save her virginity for marriage before she even knew what that meant. She was told her mother married her father (as his second wife) as a virgin, and so she wanted to marry as a virgin. She grew up pretty much being a churchgoing "good girl", and when she was born-again as a college student, she had all the more resolve to marry as a virgin. In this regard, save for her mother, she is the black sheep of her family.

She knew from date one that I was not a virgin.

Marrying a virgin wasn't one of her requirements in a spouse, nor was it one of mine. Yes, both of us actually had a list of requirements in what we needed in a spouse, and it was very helpful. Actually, all other things being equal, I probably would have chosen a woman with a little experience over a virgin, for several reasons - one of them being that... I was not a virgin. While I admire moral resolve and appreciate my wife saving herself for marriage, whether or not my wife was a virgin was not important to me in the same way that, say, having common goals was. My wife was (and is) very attractive, and she never lived in the boonies, so I know she must have had many opportunities to have sex. So I knew that her virginity meant one of two things: 1) She had strong determination and self control; 2) She was not very horny. I suspected it was #1. Makeout sessions later confirmed my guess. But I'm getting off-track.

On that first date, after she confirmed through her questioning that I was not a virgin, I told her if that if it was going to be a problem that I was not a virgin, we should call it a night, move on, and save ourselves a lot of trouble. She quickly said it wouldn’t be a problem.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have told her at the end of the date to seriously reconsider the issue about not expecting her husband to be a virgin. Obviously, her emphasis on being a virgin meant certain things that had implications for how she was going to view her husband, based on his history. The past doesn't change, after all, and so again, there's nothing I can (or could) do about the past. I need to deal with the present in planning for the future.

My past experiences and her father's infidelity (and the infidelity on the part of her revered maternal grandmother) have been somehow connected in her mind. That's my explanation for some of her actions and some of her requests of me - plus, she has told me that "if they could cheat, anyone can cheat". Also, my MIL didn't "allow" any talk of her husband's first wife, even though he had two children with her. MIL could talk about her ex-boyfriend, though.

My wife's explanation for her postnuptial behavior, which goes against her "it's not a problem" assurance, is that she had no idea that once she experienced the intimacy of sex herself, her feelings would change. She said she didn’t know it was going to be this way until after she experienced it herself. Thus, things that didn’t bother her before now bother her – that's her explanation for the change in her attitude that she admits to having.

The attitude change has manifested itself in various ways. She distrusts me almost as though I have behaved like her father. She wants me to report to her any contact (e-mails, instant messages, etc.) I have with anyone I dated, no matter how mundane, as I remained friendly with most of them – which she knew early in our dating. She insisted I drop all contact forever with one of them. There is one anomaly to this, where my wife is supportive of ongoing communication with my ex-fiancee and her husband. Usually that means the once-in-a-blue-moon phone conversation that takes place in front of my wife, as we all like to talk with each other. I suppose our ongoing contact with my wife’s most serious boyfriend from the past (whose penis she handled many times... they were together for years) has something to do with this, as she probably feels obligated towards some "fairness" in this area. Probably because of her feelings, I have let contact with all other past dates die off. While I know that a lot of people don't keep in contact, the thing is I was friends or somewhat friendly with a lot of these women before we started to date, and our partings were amicable.

She insisted I destroy "life drawings" (nude, in case you are not clued in) I had made with a longtime girlfriend as my model. (I was a de facto art major in college for a couple of years). She does not want me having lunch with female coworkers, saying that many affairs start exactly that way. There have been a lot of little things here and there where this attitude has reared its head.

I can’t see myself ever cheating on her, though I will be careful not to let my guard down anyway. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys pointing to my wedding ring, is quick to bring up my wife (positively) in conversation, and doesn't want to look at an adulterer when I look in the mirror.

The ironic thing I believe she is the one in our marriage more likely to cheat:

1) I honestly believe she is much more attractive to men in general than I am to women in general.
2) My experiences have revealed me to be a very loyal guy to the women I was with in the past without a commitment, and I take my vows extremely seriously.
3) Her family has the history of infidelity, not mine. As far as I know, nobody in my family (parents, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts) has ever cheated.
4) The curiosity factor isn't there as much for me, due to my past experiences.
5) She is the one who is in a house with bedrooms, showers, etc. much of the day without me around, complete with visits from people like repairmen.
6) I have more to lose.

I don't know... maybe all of that doesn't matter because I was not loyal to what at the time was my unknown-to-me future wife. Maybe, statistically, I am the one more likely to cheat because she exercised more self control before marriage than I did. Regardless, I'd rather jump in front of a truck than cheat.

I have to believe that things would be different in our own marriage if her father had never strayed in his. Her father, past infidelity and alcoholism-enabling aside, is the sweetest guy. The infidelity is far back in the past now - his mother-in-law died and my mother-in-law, with her mother gone, finally cleaved to her husband, which she should have been doing since their wedding. MIL, by the way, is great - when she is sober. We simply can't count on her to be sober, unfortunately.

Lovemaking before I go to sleep is often not what it should be or doesn't happen often enough because, as I explained in my other gripes, I'm getting far too little sleep to begin with. My wife has never rejected me, but the routine is that we put the kids to bed, she puts me to bed, and then she stays up a few hours later. She doesn't want to change her sleep patterns to match mine, and I don't begrudge her that time alone at night, since she is otherwise always looking after the kids, and sometimes me as well. Unfortunately, because of our different sleep hours, we don't cuddle or spoon as we sleep. Ironically, (or is it paradoxically?) I did cuddle and spoon when I would stay overnight with the women I was involved with in my bachelor days.

Having me "nap" and then getting to it when she is ready to go to sleep (and I have had some rest) doesn't work, because her orgasms tend to fend off sleep much the same why mine (like most men), ease me into sleep. She has never outright rejected me (bless her), but she does worry that I won't get enough sleep, often bidding me goodnight with an insistence that I get some sleep and a suggestion that we do something the next day – even though the next day's schedule is often going to be the same. I suppose I could fix this (my end of it, not her worries that I'm not getting enough sleep) by being more demanding. I actually believe I would lose weight easier if I was occupying my mouth with my wife more, so there's an added plus to letting me spend more time bringing pleasure to her.

Two other relatively minor sex items:

1) My wife shot down using food/sweets (think whip cream, chocolate syrup, etc.) in our lovemaking. She says she doesn't want to associate those things with sex. I don't understand why she would have that reservation. Wouldn't that make eating those foods even more enjoyable? Hmmm, now that I think about it, maybe she thinks it would cause me to eat more stuff like that and gain more weight? But it seemed like it was about her, not me, and she already eats sweets without gaining weight. Maybe she's just really clever it that regard; finding a way of shooting it down without saying "you don't need any more calories." Part of my attitude towards marital lovemaking is that anything is fair game and should be tried at least once if a) the spouse consents; b) it doesn’t involve any other person or animal; c) it can be done in relative privacy so as not to be immodest in front of others; d) it isn't harmful. Experimentation and "mixing it up" are good. Not every session needs to be epic or follow the same pattern or have the same tone or pacing. Sometimes, it is just play; other times, an intense expression of passion. So, I would like to use this as playful thing, but she doesn't.

2) My wife "took something off of the menu". While we did make it to our wedding night as far as maintaining her virginity in the physical sense, things did get too naughty leading up to that. She did something that has to do with fellatio - something I really liked a lot. Although she claims she never did it (or fellatio in general) before, she did it three times with me - each time of her own initiative, each of the three times she performed fellatio on me prior to the wedding. Since the wedding, she has been "unable" to do that particular thing again - and I know, because I've asked and we've talked about it. Thankfully, she has not stopped fellatio in general. Perhaps she is feeling guilty for having done it while we were engaged, though she has no problem (thank God!) enjoying cunnilingus as I do that on her - even though that happened before we married as well - nor the fellatio in general. To my wife's credit, she discussed this with her mother (how many mothers and daughters discuss the finer points of fellatio? But then my wife's parents were forthright about where babies grow from the earliest ages of their children) and my wife says is willing to work on it... just not right now for temporary reasons I'm not going to get into. Unfortunately, this thing is strong turn-on for me.

Hey, maybe all of my other gripes would bother me a lot less as long at that one thing was restored to the menu. ;-)

Well, there you have it. My gripes. As you can tell, things are generally great, considering these are what I have for gripes. I mean, other some other husbands, by their accounts, are living in hell, while I am usually happy.

Maybe I can make things even better? What do you think? Do you see a need for my wife in all of this that I am not meeting? If I can make things better or me, then that will be good. If I can make things better for her, than that would be better. Like I said, I know she could gripe about a bunch of flaws of mine. I try to praise and thank her several times a day, and she does the same to me. For the most part, I do feel appreciated.

Alcoholism, Infidelity: Not My Problems, Except They Are

This blog entry is part of a short series dealing with my gripes. You can read the introduction here. I broke this topic into two parts, so this entry is part one. I wrote about the things I'm thankful for about my wife and our marriage in this entry.

Disclaimer: I actually generally like my in-laws and we get along very well. My wife claims they really like me (and I let her know that my family really likes her).

We can't trust most of my wife's family as babysitters. (We can trust my mother, one of my sisters, and my sister's husband, but we don't live close enough to them.) The one sibling of my wife's we have relied on before has a baby of her own to deal with now, and as our children get older we may not want to leave our kids with them anyway, as their worldview is so different than ours and they vocally deride much of our worldview.

The others are eliminated for general irresponsibility and substance abuse.

My mother-in-law's main excuse for drinking is that my father-in-law, the guy she chose to stick with despite California’s marriage and family laws being generous to divorcing wives with higher earning husbands, fooled around many years ago with some of their au pairs. Why they had au pairs when my mother-in-law was a stay-at-home mother, I don’t know. Possibly because she was so busy doting on her mother, which is one reason her husband fooled around on her, according to my wife. (Example: MIL married as a virgin, meaning that her experienced, previously-married husband agreed to they wouldn't have sex until they were married. My MIL was content to sit and talk with her mother into the night after the wedding reception – a sign of how the marriage would be.)

Or maybe she was already getting drunk. I don't know.

Of course, any excuse will do.

As a result of this substance abuse and infidelity in my wife's family, I get to suffer.

I have never been drunk in my life.

Neither has my wife.

In her case, it is because she's never touched alcohol. However, most of her siblings also have substance abuse problems - which is why they can't be babysitters.

It is also why I can't enjoy some wine at home.

My wife knew I drank occasionally before we even had our first date. She did not insist on a husband who doesn't drink.

My father regularly drank red wine in the evening, and I can't remember any ill results. Heck, it probably allowed him to stay with my mother as long as he did. My mother drank very rarely. She saw buying drinks as a waste of money. My paternal grandfather felt the same way.

With my family and personal medical history, I should probably be drinking red wine for the health effects.

My wife, however, insists that there won't be any alcoholic drinks in her home, because of what it did to her family while she was growing up. Maybe I just don't get her objection since it wasn't a problem in my family and didn't mar my childhood.

I point out to her that she stocks our kitchen with ice cream, candy bars, and various junk-sweets, even though I really should lose weight and much of my family has struggled with being overweight. She refuses to stop bringing that stuff home. She just expects me not to eat any of it - and, mostly I don't. I need to cut back on the ice cream, though. Yet she can't afford me the same freedom when it comes to wine, even though she has never personally had a drinking problem, whereas I have long had a problem keeping my weight under control.

She has told me that I'm free to drink wine when we are out at dinner or at a reception or whatever, and she can be the driver on those occasions. That would be too rare to have the desired health benefit, more expensive, and I have a much better driving record than she does anyway, so I prefer to drive.

Oh well... enough of this gripe.

We'll get to the good part - sex - in the next part; what I think will be the last part of this series for now.

Things I Love About My Wife

Okay, I have a couple of more entries to make about my gripes, but it is time for some balance. Not too long ago, I got tired of seeing how much people were using online social networking to "publicly" (non-anonymously) complain and whine about their spouse and their marriage, and not enough time focusing on the things they do like and on the good things about their marriage. Or, they'd spend hours answering stupid questions about themselves, but would they spend any time on making their spouse’s life better?

The list below is based on something I posted for everyone, especially my wife, to see. It has been altered to protect her identity and I made it a lot less "safe for work" because, well, it is easier for me to do that here on this blog and her family doesn’t read this. (People gave positive feedback to my posting, though they did not follow suit and do the same kind of posting themselves, which is what I was hoping to spark.)

In no particular order, and certainly not all-inclusive, I present...
37 Things I Love About My Wife

1. She gave me a daughter.
2. She gave me a son.
3. She is raising our kids and doing a darn good job of it.
4. Her devotion to breastfeeding.
5. She has a high pain tolerance, which is why she doesn't complain even with the breastfeeding has meant lots of painful pumping.
6. She's good with my family.
7. The strength of her faith.
8. We share political views.
9. She has achieved her professional and personal dreams, despite her disability.
10. She makes family her priority and would do anything for our family.
11. She tells me and shows me that she respects me and loves me.
12. She believes in my dreams and generally encourages me.
13. She acknowledges and appreciates the little things I do.
14. She almost always apologizes before I can even say something (which is especially good, because I tend to stuff it instead of saying something).
15. She laughs at my jokes.
16. She generally looks out for me and cares about my needs.
17. She packs my lunch.
18. She greets me warmly when I come home.
19. She makes our dinner.
20. She is generally careful about money, to the point of researching things large and small before she purchases.
21. Other than a mortgage, she didn't bring debt to our marriage.
22. She does the laundry and washes the dishes and doesn't complain about doing it.
23. She's handy with fixing stuff around the house.
24. She shares one of my biggest hobbies/interests.
25. She has spent a lot of time organizing my stuff (see #24).
26. She doesn't make me guess what she wants for gifts.
27. She keeps her hair long.
28. Her cute nose.
29. Her beautiful breasts.
30. Her lovely ass.
31. Her willingness to shave her vaginal area bare and let me enjoy it after she has.
32. She's in shape and generally beautiful.
33. She's the best kisser I've ever kissed (there may have been as many as a dozen women I kissed before my wife, with three of them being LTR's.).
34. She has never rejected me in terms of providing some form of sex, even when her sex drive has been nonexistent (during pregnancy and some other unusual times).
35. That has usually meant fellatio, which I enjoy immensely.
36. She has asked for suggestions on how to be better in this area.
37. She married ME!