...Or is outright rejecting you.
Dr. Laura recently [this entry has been bumped up from August 2017] had a call of the day that was about a married couple not having sex. The caller was the wife and she wanted to know what to do. Her show's Facebook page linked to it, and many very revealing comments were left there.
Why does a husband lose interest in sex with his wife? Why would he reject her advances?
There are many possible reasons.
One reason men are expected to do the pursuing most of the time is that intercourse is not possible unless a man gets sexually aroused. This takes the coordination of multiple biological systems and organs. If a woman doesn't lubricate naturally, there are other ways to lubricate. If a man doesn't get an erection, he's not going to have much physical pleasure (other than enjoying the sight of her, the feel of her, the smell and taste of her, etc) and intercourse isn't going to happen.
Erections usually have physical and psychological prompts. If there is a problem with either, they don't happen, and a man who doesn't get sustained erections is going to be a lot less likely to have sex with his wife, especially if she expresses discontent or disapproval with the performance of his penis.
In no particular order, here's why your husband is avoiding sex with you or outright turning you down.
1) You got dumpy. Most men are visual creatures in ways most women aren't. This is the way we are. It isn't conditioning, it is nature. You cut your hair or otherwise changed it from the way that attracted him, you got fat, maybe even obese. You're dressing all frumpy. You're not grooming yourself the way you used to, maybe not showering or bathing as often, not using the perfumes and such you used to. You've butched up. Some men will have sex with a wife like this anyway, but for some men it is a very big turnoff. They feel like you don't care about him, like you're disrespecting him, that you pulled a bait and switch. There's a reason most rich/famous/powerful men (especially outside of politics) have very attractive wives. Now, you're not going to look like a model, but you don't have to. You just need to make a real effort to look your best.
2) Your rejections of him exceeded his limits. How many times have you turned him down? "Not tonight!" or "Is that all you ever think about?" or "I'm not feeling well." There are many, many ways, overt and subtle, to reject your husband. Who likes to get rejected, especially by someone who us supposed to love them? So he doesn't try anymore. And he might reject your advances because either he's trying to keep that part of him dormant or he wants to get you back. Men know most women WANT to be desired, no matter how many Leftist feminists complain about catcalls and compliments and "harassment" such as "Hey, let's get some dinner." A husband not caring about sex/not pursuing his wife is one of the few ways he can exert any control over the situation or get his wife back, in a way that isn't illegal, for her rejections of him.
3) It's too much work for too little payoff. You make him jump through too many hoops. Most men can go from working on their car to having sex to going right back to working on their car, and be completely satisfied. Women aren't like that, we know. But some women require far more than others in terms of "romancing". This is especially so if you're not very demonstrative or don't express much appreciation, and even more so if there are sexual things he likes that you used to do even without him asking but won't do anymore, except maybe on his birthday if he begs. If you're just kind of "there" or you seem to want it over or like it is doing laundry, he loses a lot of motivation.
4) He's very stressed or anxious or exhausted. Some men respond to such things by wanting sex more. Others just the opposite.
5) It is a physical/medical issue. Penises can get physically injured. Prostate issues, heart/circulatory issues, hormone issues, any number of things can interfere with sex. Some of these problems can be addressed by doctors.
6) Baby issues. If you're pregnant, especially in the third trimester, he might be a little freaked out about sticking his penis so close to his child. Also, if he doesn't want to have (another) child, that could prevent him from having sex with you. (He should get a vasectomy). If you lost a baby, especially if you were deeply devastated, it might kill his sex drive when it comes to you. Finally, if you electively aborted his child, especially if he really wanted (another) one, then he's barely able to stand being in the same residence with you, let alone getting sexual with you.
7) You've hurt or upset him. Maybe you did something he finds disturbing or seriously wrong or very bitchy, maybe you've disrespected him, maybe you said or did something that felt like a criticism of his penis. Penises don't take criticism very well. If he's having performance issues the sure way to make it worse is to be impatient (and unwilling to try other things or more of what he likes), let him know you're upset about it, laugh at him, tell him he needs pills... that sort of thing. There's also a problem sometimes, as feminist as a man may seem, when a wife earns more money than he does.
8) He was assaulted/molested. If he's never been interested, it could be because he was assaulted or molested, and he should never have married you without making this connection and explaining it to you ahead of time so that you could make an informed decision. Some men respond to being molested with being very sexual, others not so much. (Asexual men should likewise disclose their situation to potential wives.)
9) He's gay. Completely unrelated to the point above, because, of course, when boys "have sex" with "older" men it is NOT what causes them to be gay (GOT THAT?!?), if he's never had much interest or his interested ceased after having children, then it is possible he's gay (but the odds of this are increasingly unlikely), and he should have made that clear to you early on in your relationship.
10) He's having an affair. This might be the first thought women in this situation have, but it usually isn't the case, because even men who are having affairs usually keep things going with their wife (if she'll let him).
11) He's masturbating instead. This is the other one a lot of women think, especially the women who panic over porn, but again, most men who masturbate (to porn or otherwise) also have sex with their wife. If a man is consistently neglecting his wife sexually because of masturbation, there is something else wrong (porn use isn't the cause, it is the symptom). This is possibly related to 1-9 above, or something else.
12) He needs variety and/or the hunt. Some men "need" the pursuit. Some men "need" variety, and there's only so much a wife can do about that. Men like this should never have married in the first place. But, then again, these days, most men shouldn't marry.
Dr. Laura recently [this entry has been bumped up from August 2017] had a call of the day that was about a married couple not having sex. The caller was the wife and she wanted to know what to do. Her show's Facebook page linked to it, and many very revealing comments were left there.
Jamie's husband works all day and when he comes home, he is too tired for sex. What can Jamie do to bring the spark back?Let's look at some of the comments:
Amanda Wolf God cant people just not have sex, i see no importance to have it! Just cause you don't want it does not mean your having it else where
Dr.
Laura clearly believes marriage is more than a legal contract and a
social claim. She'll often tell people who have separate bank accounts
or otherwise aren't sharing finances, who spend significant amounts of
time apart (unless we're talking about military deployment) or who
aren't regularly having sex with each other (and only each other... no
physical or emotional dependence on others) that they don't have a
marriage. Of course if someone is seriously injured or ill sex may not
be a part of the marriage during that time (or ever again), but for the
most part marriage includes sex.
When it comes to sex, it isn't just Dr. Laura's opinion. A marriage license used to be, among other things, a license to have sex. The validity of a marriage could be challenged if intercourse had not happened. "Alienation of affection" was a serious legal concept, meaning a side lover could be sued by the spouse who was cheated. Puritans of all people would get on someone's case if word got out that they weren't getting busy with their spouse on a regular basis. It's pretty clear that legally and socially, sex was considered part of the marital contract or covenant for a long time.
When it comes to sex, it isn't just Dr. Laura's opinion. A marriage license used to be, among other things, a license to have sex. The validity of a marriage could be challenged if intercourse had not happened. "Alienation of affection" was a serious legal concept, meaning a side lover could be sued by the spouse who was cheated. Puritans of all people would get on someone's case if word got out that they weren't getting busy with their spouse on a regular basis. It's pretty clear that legally and socially, sex was considered part of the marital contract or covenant for a long time.
Theresa Nickoriuk You see no importance in sex? Wow, girl you're obviously missing out.
Amanda Wolf Nope i have 2 kids and thats what its originally intended forUnless Amanda is married to an asexual man, I feel very, very sorry for him. But of course I'm not far off from his situation.
Theresa Nickoriuk Reproduction is only one of the reasons. God created us to be sexual beings. That is why your erogenous zones have millions more nerve endings than the rest of your body.
Amanda Wolf But everyone has a choice if they want to or not and shouldn't be judged by people thinking they are cheating cause they just choose not to. I worked full time and have 2 kids so i know what it is to be tired and not want to waste all that time for an orgasm that lasts under a minuteWhy aren't you rushing to get married, single men?!?
Theresa Nickoriuk Biologically a man is created with the need to ejaculate atleast every 72 hours. Which is why they usually push for sex so often. If a man isn't having sex atleast 3 times per week he's either jerking off or sleeping with someone elseMaybe. I'll get into that below.
Amanda Wolf I still give it to him cause marriage is about love and i love him and want him happy but i don't want it and dont need it.
I understand how he feels, sadly.
Theresa Nickoriuk I honestly feel sorry for anyone who thinks it's a lot of work for a quick orgasm. Sex is so much more than the ending. Or atleast it should be.
Amanda Wolf I wish i couls get him to Jack off but no and we have it more than 3 times a week so he is good but i am tired of it i dont want it i feel no desire for it. I prefer touching and cuddling and talkingThere are women out there stressing out with fear that their husband might masturbate. Meanwhile, this woman's attitude us more like my wife's.
Amanda Wolf Toni Mygind thank you for those kind words, we use to have it 3 times a day when we meet but now i just dont feel it anymoreBait and switch! That makes for a happy marriage.
Why does a husband lose interest in sex with his wife? Why would he reject her advances?
There are many possible reasons.
One reason men are expected to do the pursuing most of the time is that intercourse is not possible unless a man gets sexually aroused. This takes the coordination of multiple biological systems and organs. If a woman doesn't lubricate naturally, there are other ways to lubricate. If a man doesn't get an erection, he's not going to have much physical pleasure (other than enjoying the sight of her, the feel of her, the smell and taste of her, etc) and intercourse isn't going to happen.
Erections usually have physical and psychological prompts. If there is a problem with either, they don't happen, and a man who doesn't get sustained erections is going to be a lot less likely to have sex with his wife, especially if she expresses discontent or disapproval with the performance of his penis.
In no particular order, here's why your husband is avoiding sex with you or outright turning you down.
1) You got dumpy. Most men are visual creatures in ways most women aren't. This is the way we are. It isn't conditioning, it is nature. You cut your hair or otherwise changed it from the way that attracted him, you got fat, maybe even obese. You're dressing all frumpy. You're not grooming yourself the way you used to, maybe not showering or bathing as often, not using the perfumes and such you used to. You've butched up. Some men will have sex with a wife like this anyway, but for some men it is a very big turnoff. They feel like you don't care about him, like you're disrespecting him, that you pulled a bait and switch. There's a reason most rich/famous/powerful men (especially outside of politics) have very attractive wives. Now, you're not going to look like a model, but you don't have to. You just need to make a real effort to look your best.
2) Your rejections of him exceeded his limits. How many times have you turned him down? "Not tonight!" or "Is that all you ever think about?" or "I'm not feeling well." There are many, many ways, overt and subtle, to reject your husband. Who likes to get rejected, especially by someone who us supposed to love them? So he doesn't try anymore. And he might reject your advances because either he's trying to keep that part of him dormant or he wants to get you back. Men know most women WANT to be desired, no matter how many Leftist feminists complain about catcalls and compliments and "harassment" such as "Hey, let's get some dinner." A husband not caring about sex/not pursuing his wife is one of the few ways he can exert any control over the situation or get his wife back, in a way that isn't illegal, for her rejections of him.
3) It's too much work for too little payoff. You make him jump through too many hoops. Most men can go from working on their car to having sex to going right back to working on their car, and be completely satisfied. Women aren't like that, we know. But some women require far more than others in terms of "romancing". This is especially so if you're not very demonstrative or don't express much appreciation, and even more so if there are sexual things he likes that you used to do even without him asking but won't do anymore, except maybe on his birthday if he begs. If you're just kind of "there" or you seem to want it over or like it is doing laundry, he loses a lot of motivation.
4) He's very stressed or anxious or exhausted. Some men respond to such things by wanting sex more. Others just the opposite.
5) It is a physical/medical issue. Penises can get physically injured. Prostate issues, heart/circulatory issues, hormone issues, any number of things can interfere with sex. Some of these problems can be addressed by doctors.
6) Baby issues. If you're pregnant, especially in the third trimester, he might be a little freaked out about sticking his penis so close to his child. Also, if he doesn't want to have (another) child, that could prevent him from having sex with you. (He should get a vasectomy). If you lost a baby, especially if you were deeply devastated, it might kill his sex drive when it comes to you. Finally, if you electively aborted his child, especially if he really wanted (another) one, then he's barely able to stand being in the same residence with you, let alone getting sexual with you.
7) You've hurt or upset him. Maybe you did something he finds disturbing or seriously wrong or very bitchy, maybe you've disrespected him, maybe you said or did something that felt like a criticism of his penis. Penises don't take criticism very well. If he's having performance issues the sure way to make it worse is to be impatient (and unwilling to try other things or more of what he likes), let him know you're upset about it, laugh at him, tell him he needs pills... that sort of thing. There's also a problem sometimes, as feminist as a man may seem, when a wife earns more money than he does.
8) He was assaulted/molested. If he's never been interested, it could be because he was assaulted or molested, and he should never have married you without making this connection and explaining it to you ahead of time so that you could make an informed decision. Some men respond to being molested with being very sexual, others not so much. (Asexual men should likewise disclose their situation to potential wives.)
9) He's gay. Completely unrelated to the point above, because, of course, when boys "have sex" with "older" men it is NOT what causes them to be gay (GOT THAT?!?), if he's never had much interest or his interested ceased after having children, then it is possible he's gay (but the odds of this are increasingly unlikely), and he should have made that clear to you early on in your relationship.
10) He's having an affair. This might be the first thought women in this situation have, but it usually isn't the case, because even men who are having affairs usually keep things going with their wife (if she'll let him).
11) He's masturbating instead. This is the other one a lot of women think, especially the women who panic over porn, but again, most men who masturbate (to porn or otherwise) also have sex with their wife. If a man is consistently neglecting his wife sexually because of masturbation, there is something else wrong (porn use isn't the cause, it is the symptom). This is possibly related to 1-9 above, or something else.
12) He needs variety and/or the hunt. Some men "need" the pursuit. Some men "need" variety, and there's only so much a wife can do about that. Men like this should never have married in the first place. But, then again, these days, most men shouldn't marry.
My favorite quote about sex, from the title character in the British comedy movie Shirley Valentine: "I think sex is like supermarkets, you know, overrated. Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little at the end."
ReplyDeleteOverrated pretty much sums it up.