Thursday, June 25, 2015

Conditions Under Which My Wife Will Have Sex With Me

In case the title of this entry wasn't enough warning, this entry is entirely about marital sex.

"Sex" for this entry doesn't have to mean intercourse, but does involve the genitals of one or both of us.

In order for my wife to have sex with me, all of these conditions must be met:

1) It is the single right day of the week, and the right time. If I attempt to start something the day before, she will point out that the next day is the day. Still, there are times when the time comes (see below) on this appointed day, and she will beg off until the next day. At least nine out of ten times when she does that, it will not happen the next day, but every once in a while it will, or the day after the next day, because I pressed the issue. It is also necessary that she was not sleeping; no matter how slowly, no matter how gently, no matter what specific tactic, I am not allowed to attempt to get affectionate with her while she is sleeping. Waking her up is a no-no, no matter how much time she has to sleep.

2) The kids are sound asleep or away. There's a lock on our door and we're both very quiet, but we're not going to be having any form of sex if the kids are awake or restless. Sometimes, especially when school is out, I will go to bed before one of our kids, and the plan may be for my wife to wake me up when she comes to bed. But her idea of trying to wake me up is a very quiet whisper or a tap on my shoulder. That's not going to work when I'm in deep REM sleep. Now, I can keep myself half awake waiting for her, but that has meant giving up a couple of hours of already-too-scarce sleep.

3) I have just shaved and showered. Mind you, I can never start anything when I'm preparing to go to work. So this has to be an extra shave and shower.

4) We have to be in bed (even if the kids are gone for the night), in our respective spots. Having sex elsewhere in the house or me approaching her by walking to her side of the bed is not acceptable.

5) I must have jumped through the right hoops all day, just the right way, at just the right times, with just the right attitude. Anything seemingly innocuous can be cited as something that killed her mood.

6) She can't have one of her frequent headaches, other aches, colds, or can't have overeaten or otherwise be having a stomach issue.

7) She's not menstruating. I know lot of people (men and women) do not do intercourse during menstruation, but there are the other forms of sex, and I'm willing to do intercourse during menstruation. In my wayward youth, one of my longer-term girlfriends never let menstruation stop us from intercourse. It was her idea. My two of my others longer-term girlfriends did not menstruate regularly. They might go many months without menstruating. My wife's menstruation has been fairly regular and seems to fall on our appointed day, knocking out that entire week.

8) She hasn't picked a fight. This, or course, is something she can do at any time. I don't have to have actually done something wrong or that she doesn't like, or failed to do something I should have.

9) My kids did not act up that day. I know the moment my kids act up, it ain't going to happen.

If all of the planets align and we actually get sexual, here are the boundaries:

10) No or almost no talk.

11) No "food" can be involved. For example, no whipped cream or chocolate syrup or anything else people might use when getting playful.

12) I can't ejaculate in her mouth or near her face. She prefers I do so in her vagina, even with my zero sperm count (so it isn't like she's trying to get pregnant. I suspect it is because she considered this the least messy possibility.

13) Anything that touches her vagina, such as my lips/tongue, fingers, or penis) will not subsequently get near her mouth, even though her vagina's never had a bad or strong smell or taste. This is especially limiting.

13) She won't touch my back door. I know that would definitely be a plus for many guys, but I wouldn't mind her brushing against the exit or using a well-lubed finger to stimulate my prostate. I think it is more about the idea of her being willing to try things to increase my pleasure rather than the actual sensation itself. She kind of tried a couple of times, but later swore off trying.

There's a lot of stuff that's not listed because I have no interest in it - and she's never indicated she'd like it. There's never been anything she's asked for or even hinted about wanting that I've turned down, and I don't think I've ever volunteered that there is something I wouldn't want; I have deliberately avoided saying anything that might discourage her from bringing up secret curiosities and turn-ons. I think the one thing she's ever hinted about wanting other than the usual is to have her hands "tied" to the bed.

Some Stuff I Wrote Before:

On Spreadsheets and Owing Sex

This Married Man Does Not Get More Sex Than When Unmarried


  1. Anonymous5:29 PM

    You sound miserable. Sucks to be you.

  2. Anonymous, actually, most of my life is great, and my attitude makes a difference. But yes, my marriage leaves much to be desired.


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