The Formula For a Good Marriage

The Prager U account on X asked for the formula for a good marriage.

My reply was

1. Don’t involve expensive rings

2. Don’t have a ceremony

3. Don’t sign a terrible state contract

4. Don’t live together

5. Don’t claim exclusivity

6. Don’t co-mingle finances

7. Don’t conceive kids

That should make it wonderful.

That still leaves some variety. For example, the same two people can see each other every day, if they so choose. They can act as though they are exclusive with each other. They can buy expensive things together or for each other (just not with a shared loan).

But I'd advise most men stay free, meaning They NOT agree to exclusivity. I'd also tell them not to spend much money on any one woman; certainly not more that $60 per date (zero is optimal), including all expenses, and don't see any one woman every day.

What would be a formula for a good marriage that involved actually living together, being monogamous, and maybe even having kids?

• Perpetually shared or compatible goals
• Shared values
• Compatible personalities
• Ongoing shared chemistry and mutual affection, providing all of the romance, sex, and friendship each other need in a partner
• He could stare at her forever, she always feels protected by him
  
• Both are responsible, kind, quality individuals who can handle life
• Effective partnership with division of labor in which they each put the other first on an ongoing basis
• They turn TO each other instead of AGAINST each other
  

Unfortunately, almost nobody is going to have that. They might have what seems like that for a moment, maybe even years. Almost nobody is going to have that for decades. Even most marriage sellers will admit that; they just think people should suffer through marriage anyway.

People do change. One thing that changes is goals, because either they reach them, they give up trying or are denied, and their priorities and desires change. Compatibility is almost never going to last decades unless at least one of them sacrifices much or avoids what they really want.

There are things I used to do and wanted to do that I gave up on because I have obligations to a wife and children. There are things I thought I'd be getting with a wife and children that I didn't.

Resentment builds, especially in wives. She will remember every...single...thing... he ever did she ever thought was wrong or wronged her in some way. What do you think that does to how she feels about him, as time goes by and the list gets longer? And when she reveals it to him, how do you think it makes him feel?

Bedrooms die. Romance dies. Spouses end up merely tolerating each other, at best they “love the one you’re with” or otherwise stay married only on paper, abusing (even killing!) each other, or divorcing.

And, there’s so much more that interferes with things being good on an ongoing basis.

Here's what marriage sellers really think is the formula for a good marriage:

A man and woman marry (often, young) and crank out babies, maybe as many as they can. And then their whole life becomes about raising those kids and "role modeling" a "good marriage" to those kids so those kids will continue the cycle. The man (and maybe the woman, depending) earn money for their family and to pay taxes and give to their religious institution and charity. Sex matters, but only because it takes sex to make the babies. As such, the man and the woman should only ever have sex with each other. He will bust his butt romancing her, and if they only have sex to conceive children, he'll shut up about it and pretend he's happy. Lather, rinse, repeat with each generation. 

So, the formula for a “good” marriage is essentially castration and dual lobotomies, rendering the spouses too fearful, in a rut, unmotivated, or masochistic to leave it.

What a downer.

But there is hope and happiness to be had. Learn to love being free. Thrive. Enjoy life, and not just for a few years. Enjoy life throughout your life. Enjoy it because you do what you truly want to do. Realize that there is no “soul mate” for anyone, and that moments, even years, of good companionship doesn’t have to mean enduring bad companionship for decades. Stay free and encourage others to stay free, too. Don’t try to tie them down, and don’t let them tie you down.