Marriage Should Mean Lots of Lovin’

S.O.S. IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been married two years to a wonderful man, but we're having problems in the bedroom.

Most people do at some point. One thing those of us who promote the principle that sex is for marriage should never do is downplay this fact to youth. We should not give them the idea that married sex is always spectacular simply because it is within marriage.

Both of us are very uncomfortable talking about our feelings, especially when it comes to sex, and I just can't explain to him what I want him to do and vice versa.

Yes, that is a big problem.

I have tried many times to say things indirectly but have never been successful.

That doesn't work with men in any other area of life, and it won't work in lovemaking, either. You need to be direct, but not in a way that puts him down. Tell him what he does that you like. Say "I need more of that" or "You really make me hot for your bod when you..." Other helpful things to say:

"That feels good."
"Rougher/harder"
"Softer/gentler"
"Take me!"
"Slower"
"Faster"
"I need you inside me right now."
"Lick me here."
"Touch me here."
"Just like that! Keep doing that."
"I'm almost there."
"Please put on this costume. I will make it worth your while."

Direct him with your hands, if you need to. Most guys love this sort of thing – in fact, it turns us on. A good husband wants to be your bedroom hero.

I can't talk to him directly because I am very embarrassed.

Embarrassed about what? You're married. He wanted you. You wanted him. You are supposed to have intimacy. You should be doing this stuff with each other and having the time of your lives doing it. God says so in the Bible, so if you care at all what the Bible has to say, then it is your duty to love each other in this way.

This has started to destroy our marriage, and now we generally prefer to sleep alone so that we don't have to have sex.

That's too bad. He wants to please you. He doesn't want to disappoint you. But in order to please you, he needs to know exactly what to do, and he can only figure that if you tell him. You may not even know yourself, in which case it will take a lot of experimentation and practice – which is part of the fun, and part of the bonding and growing together as bride and groom.

Dear Abby responded:

Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a licensed, experienced sex therapist.

I would specifically look for one that believes 1) sex is for marriage and 2) men are not wrong for wanting sex more than women and 3) would not recommend anything that would cause either of you to lust after others. (Try asking your pastor, if you have one, as pastors often deal with married couples having problems, and can recommend a good therapist.) There are plenty of great resources from people who take this approach. Here's a good place to start and these people know what they are talking about.

I could stand to be better at telling my wife what I want. I've always been a little shy about that, and then she has shot down some things I have made clear, which isn't exactly encouraging. I'm way too sensitive in that respect, I think.