A Neglected Wife?

DESPERATE FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am so lonely. My husband refuses to communicate with me or do anything with me.

Refuses, huh? He likes being married to a woman he doesn't want to be with or talk with? Why would he put himself in that situation?

The only outlet I have is work and school.

What about girlfriends? Notice she didn't mention church.

I would like to end this misery, but I don't know where to begin. We have been married for 17 years.

She gives too little info. Are they childless, or are there children involved? If there are children involved, she needs to wait until they are grown before splitting up the home or depriving them of their mother or father. Does she engage in lovemaking with her hushband? He she done anything to try to draw him to her? None of this information was provided in what was published.

What could be going on here? What could the possibilities be?

1. He has always been like this, and she either married him without having gotten to know him, or made the mistake of thinking he was going to change. He may have put up a false front.

2. He has an illness or deficiency that has caused him to change. Perhaps a thorough medical and psychological evaluation is in order?

3. Someone else or some event has traumatized him. Again, perhaps an evaluation is in order.

4. Perhaps she has done something or multiple things that have prompted him to treat her this way as a form of self-preservation. Why would a healthy man not want to spend time with and communicate with his wife? Why wouldn't he want to see her beauty and bask in her uplifting, affirmative, edifying conversation? Well, maybe the answer is in my question. Does she neglect his needs? Has she disrespected him? Does her commitment to work and school keep her from being a good wife? Some women, once they are married, let themselves fall to pieces. Their husbands can do and say no good – everything their husband is interested in is stupid, wrong, or worthless according to her, and sometimes she'll tell others that, right in front of her husband. Does she ramble on endlessly about Brad and Angelina and what Oprah said today, and expect him to chime in on that? Does she constantly whine about the same things without letting her husband offer solutions, and without working towards a solution herself?

Men don't usually buy a ring, get down on their bended knee, and propose marriage to a woman they don't like to be around, not unless they feel it is the right thing to do (they knocked her up) or are desperate for citizenship or to appear to have heterosexual feelings when they don't. Odds are, he earns more than she does and is therefore financially subsidizing her lifestyle. Why would he do that, if he didn't want to be around her? If #4 is the main thing going on, one might wonder why a guy would stay. It could be for the children. It could be a matter of convenience. In some places (like the state I live in), once you hit ten years of marriage, the spouse who has earned more can be obligated to pay alimony for life, in addition to splitting all of the marital assets evenly. He could have figured he'd rather keep full access to his stuff and his money, even if that means living with a woman with whom he doesn't connect, or he fears or resents.

Dear Abby responded:

If you think your marriage is worth saving, offer your husband the chance to repair it through marriage counseling -- but be prepared for it to take some time, because old habits are hard to break.

Counseling is a mixed bag. There are some great counselors out there, but also some really lousy ones – like ones who think normal husband behavior and expectations are inherently wrong. We really need more information. The answers could be very simple – and fun for her to implement.
Husbands should treat their wives with love and kindess. But women should not marry a grizzly bear and expect him to turn into a kitten, or expect a guy to be warm and open and receptive and engaging if he continually gets pain in return.