Engagement Ring Pressure

Michelle works for a Los Angeles-based talk radio station, specifically the morning drive program. She has a blog on the station's official website, and I wanted to share some of her comments from a recent entry. I couldn't detect a permalink, but the entry is currently found here.

Michelle recently accepted a marriage proposal, and shows uncommon sense about engagement ring and sympathy for her intended.

Here's the thing. From the get go, when we got serious, I told him I was not one of those girls who would insist on a big, fat ring. I originally wanted to use my grandmother’s first engagement ring, a tiny diamond set in a classic band of white gold. Unfortunately, that got stolen when my home was broken into when we first got our home...Other than that ring, a ring really didn’t even come into play much, it wouldn't have bothered me even if I didn’t get one for an engagement, a wedding band alone would have been fine if that's what we chose to do.

I wish more women were like her in this regard.

So I told him, when, and if the time comes, don't stress about it. You know me, you know the person I am, don't stress out about it.

He should have taken her at his word, and her opinion should have been more important than anyone else's on the matter. But he let other people get to him.

Well, apparently, he wasn't stressing until a bunch of people at his work made him question his choice by saying

'Oh no, you can't buy THAT ring, you have to buy a big diamond.'

To those people, I would have asked, "Why?"

"No, you have to spend at least $2000 or she's going to be upset!"

Why, is she a prostitute?

'What will people think about that ring? All her friends are going to be looking at it and judging you!'

That is one of the worst. Who cares what they think, if that is the way they are?

Then he started looking into it and was bombarded with the whole idiotic business that's been set up to suck men into the ridiculous notion that you have to spend at least two month's salary on a ring to prove to your girlfriend that you love her.

That's a marketing slogan and has no basis in reality. We are not obligated to listen to it. If a woman thinks a guy should have spent more on the ring and tells him so, he should run away from her as fast as he can.

In my personal opinion, any woman (or man) who is 'upset' with any engagement ring or other jewelry that their significant other buys them for any reason because it’s not 'big enough' or the 'clarity' isn't right, isn't anything but a shallow materialistic gold digging moron who cares nothing about the real meaning of love...If your personal worth is tied to a piece of jewelry, there's something wrong with you...All of you girls who want big, flashy rings, are missing out on some VERY good men out there, so think twice about what's REALLY important.

She should print that on t-shirts and sell them. He got the ring at a Costco, and she's happy about it.

Now, from what she wrote, it sounds like they have been shacking up, which I'm convinced is wrong and makes the odds less favorable to their marriage being a lasting, happy one. But on the plus side, she does not let materialism or the herd mentality turn her into a ungrateful little girl. Instead, she's happy about the ring. Good for her!

My wife was happy to figure out, when she was going through bank records, that I'd purchased the ring I presented when I proposed for about a third of the retail price. That kind of sensible frugality on her part is one of the reasons I proposed.

Side note to any guys planning to pop the question: In some states, it may be advantageous to avoid doing so on her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, an "anniversary", or any day that can be construed as a gift-giving day. This may prevent her from being able to keep/sell the ring should she divorce you or leave you before the wedding, and compel her to return it to you. If that doesn't sound like a romantic consideration… well, it isn't very romantic to go through divorce, either, and have her profit at your expense on top of that. The matter will only come into play should there be a divorce – so she shouldn't have an objection unless she is planning to divorce you. Or, if she insists on shopping for the ring with you, or to get it on one of those gift-giving days, make sure she pays for it with her money and she can have as big of a ring as she wants and do whatever she wants to with it. Should you give her the ring unconnected to any other gift-giving occasion, a court may see her possession of it as being conditional to your impending marriage. Should she leave you before the marriage or divorce you, it may be easier to get it back.