Ok so I am a little pissed at my ex, what else is new you say? Well here is the scoop,,My boys are both in sports, One is a Freshman and plays football, we are very proud of him for that,,( we meaning [shack up honey] and myself, and my friends) and and my youngest is in soccer. They both love it and I support them and encourage them to the best of my abitlity, Well this weekend is Steve’s first soccer game and its on Saturday, all his games on are Saturday. So I had emailed my ex if he was able to make sure he gets the boys this weekend, and what has been going on like Steve is back in afterschool care and Robert has practice til almost 6 every night except game night, Anyhow I also mentioned that Steve has a game and could he make sure he gets to his game,,I have also emailed him the boys schedule for both boys,,,,for there games,,so HE CAN GO AND BE A DAD AND SHOW UP AND SHOW HIS SUPPORT!!!! well here is the reply i got from him –The guy does sound like he is clueless about how the sports work, and he should support his children in their pursuit of sports by taking them to their games and attending. At least he expresses an interest in having them for the whole weekend.
"""" I will not take them or pick them up from any games or practices, so if one or both of them have games or practices this weekend. Then I will wait till they have a free weekend. For both of them to come here and stay the whole weekend"""""""
let me remind you the reader that soccer goes until almost November and his games are like every Saturday, I have given him alot of notice in adnvance, IMaybe he hates sports more than he cares about supporting the needs of his children? Or maybe he’d rather spend time with them one-on-one? She says she doesn’t get him, yet she picked him and made two boys with him. Not just one… two. She spread her legs for him. She said vows opposite of him.
sent him a list of games and the dates that I got from the coach,,Man I just dont get him, I emailed back and waiting for a reply,,,""Why dont you want to go to steve's game? or why dont you want to go to Robert’s football game??"""
So I am kinda waiting,,not really, but I am curious on his excuse. Its funny Robert mentioned a bit ago, that "dad is really trying hard to do better,"' Well my response to him has been "Robert if dad was trying or getting better,,he would go to your games or your brothers,,and what does he do,,he proves me right.Isn’t that lovely? The boy is trying to defend his father and his mother cuts him down.
He shows that he has no interest in his childrens life. WOW take them for an extra weekend here and there to do what, ,,oh play computer games all weekend,,and eat out all the time,,,and still,,not get a new fridge(remind you this is going on year two with no fridge)Wow, he sounds bad. Too bad we don’t live in a country where women are free to choose the man they marry and make babies with so she could have avoided this mess. I’m sure he was a stellar husband and fatherly-type, a fine upstanding and responsible person until he magically became this irresponsible jerk right after the second boy was born.
Why do i bother sending my kids to there DEAD BEAT DAD????? I understand that my divorce papers say I have to,,and my kids want to see him,,That’s right. You chose to marry him and make babies with him, and the courts get to set certain conditions – like visitation and child support.
but i really wonder why they want to see him now,since he just doesnt have any effort in showing them he is a dad and a dad who wants to share there life with him,That isn’t true. He said he wants them for the whole weekend. But why does a woman wonder why boys wants to spend time with a man that she let inside her own body? That she married?
You know,,its not like you have to like soccer or football, or even understand it,,,but just to be there for your kids and show them that your interested in what they do and like would make a world of difference in there heart and mind,I agree with that. But again, you picked him.
GOD knows that i was abused when I was younger, things like this affected me later in life,,so thats whats going to happen to my boys,,,What a surprise. Too bad that as an adult, you didn’t take steps to make a better life for yourself and your children.
but me and [shack up honey] will be there for them as much as they neeed us,,Don’t count on it! He hasn’t married you or adopted them.
I JUST WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT I LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND I MAKE CHANGES FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF THEM,Then move into the home of some responsible married relatives so your kids can have good supervision and stop shacking up.
She posted a second entry to update us.
Ok so in the last blog I was waiting for a reply on his email on why he wont take them to there games or pratices,,well here is his responseSo she is showing her son things he shouldn’t see and badmouthing his father. And she can’t do anything about him now – that is why you CHOOSE WISELY and don’t marry and make babies with the wrong guy to begin with! While becoming a mother may have changed her outlook and feelings, a guy may not have the same reaction. These gals marry these guys and make babies with them and expect them to change into completely different guys. WE COME AS-IS! Don’t like us the way we are – DON’T MARRY US.
""" I have zero interest in ever going to games or practices. I guess I'm just an asshole that way. That is a family activity and, we are not a family. So unless you come get Steven and drop him back off he will be missing his game. See you Friday around 6. """
??? so he is right we are not family anymore, but arent the boys his kids too,,god we dont even have to be around each other,,just be there for the kids,,You dont even have to like sports for gods sakes,,,I dont even understand alot of football or
soccer,,but Im there cause my boys are important to me, and I am a proud mom,
even if they dont want to continue what they are doing for next year, at least
they tried, and I was there for them every step of the way. The only reason I
sent them to dads, is because they want to see him, and my papers say I have
too, its really sad though, cause I really really deep down dont want them to
go. I told my oldest what hisreply was,,,and he was pissed and said that was
stupid,,and yup your right, but I cant do anything about your dad, he is who he is.
I also believe that things will change in due time.See what I mean? THEY AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE!
Now, I don’t know his side of it. I don’t know the circumstances of their marriage, the pregnancies, or the divorce. Yes, I think he should take his kids to their games and be there for him. That’s what I would do. But that is me. This gal married and made babies with an “asshole” and expects him to be different?
I finally couldn’t take it anymore and wrote her an e-mail, trying to be careful so as to not cause her to cut off contact. Hopefully, I can provide some ongoing influence. Here is what I wrote to her:
Regarding your latest blog entries... I feel for your kids.
I hope you apply what you've learned. What I mean is that, when you know of another woman, especially a younger one, who is either heading for marriage with a guy who is a boy but not a MAN, or is having sex (risking making babies) with such a boy... I hope you don't simply say, "Hey, congratulations! I'm glad you're happy." I hope you instead warn her that she should find a MAN, not a boy, otherwise she could end up with a deadbeat ex as the "sperm donor" to her kids.
People usually don't want to hear something like that. They don't want anyone raining on their fantasy. But if you can prevent someone else - another woman and kids - from going through what you've gone through, you'll be doing them a huge favor.
It really sucks that there are guys out there who don't act like MEN and FATHERS to the kids they helped create. But it also sucks that women continue to volunteer to marry and/or get pregnant by such boys.
I'm doing my part to either encourage guys to be MEN or at least not ruin the life of a woman or a kid. If they want to stay boys, they can get snipped and avoid marriage.
Let me be clear that I do not believe that remaining unmarried means someone is immature. You can be a fulfilled and mature adult and never have gotten married. But I do think that people who are immature should not marry nor make babies.
So which is it...are you mature or immature? Your logic is circular.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, you seem obsessed with her.
ReplyDeleteYour language is sexually charged and lurid in terms of her sex life: "a man that she let inside her own body" ; shacking up with the guy with whom she was fornicating"; "She spread her legs for him."
Maybe there's more to this for you.
Seriously--what makes you think that men have the right to just be as they are, not ever changing, no matter what happens or how many kids thy have. Children have needs. Men need to stand up and be the parents that they choose to be the moment they take it out of their pants. It takes two to tango....and it's not the woman who makes herself get pregnant. She's the one committed to raising the child, though.
ReplyDeleteReally, you should consider your qualifications to give advice to women, especially to your so-called friend. That said, I'm not sure I want to read this blog anymore, so I don't really care if you choose to publish this comment or not. You seem to write negative, anti-women, borderline hateful and downright paternalistic things without thinking about situations from our perspective or without any compassion for your so-called friend's situation.
The older child is a freshman---how is she supposed to know what kind of father he would make to a teenager when she is 'making her vows'? Seriously--it's okay for him to be a jerk to his kids because he's trying, and she should have picked a better father, but she's the one who erred here?! Sounds more like he had/is having some sort of midlife thing where he decided he doesn't want the responsibilities of parenthood, so he's thrusting them back onto her....well guess what kids are not returnable!
Oh, and FYI, studies show that people who live together before marriage actually stay married longer and have better marriages than people who don't.
I leave you with an idea--don't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes. Otherwise save the drama for your mama!
"So which is it...are you mature or immature? Your logic is circular."
ReplyDeleteI'm mature. And I'm married. Not all males who marry are mature. Not all unmarried males are immature. Only mature males (MEN) should marry. No immature males (boys) should marry. Some mature males should not marry. Nothing circular here.
"Honestly, you seem obsessed with her."
Nope. Honestly, I forgot she even existed for many years. I used the language I did to make a point. SHE CHOSE to marry and make babies (TWO babies) with this boy. He was good enough to marry and good enough to make babies with, but now she complains endlessly about him. What, did he magically turn into a jerk after the second child was born? Please.
"Seriously--what makes you think that men have the right to just be as they are, not ever changing, no matter what happens or how many kids thy have."
Whether they have "the right" to or not - they have the freedom to stay as they are. That is why women should be choosy about the guy they marry and the guy they make babies with. Some (not ALL, not even most) women who marry ignore CLEAR warning signs, or fail to put the time and effort into to really evaluating if a guy would be a good husband and father.
Courts can force a man to pay child support, but they can't force him to be a good father.
Women should NOT expect a man to change. At all. When you choose us, you're getting us AS-IS. We'll get older, grayer, perhaps balder, perhaps heavier. But other than that, no growth is guaranteed. Women go through all kinds of physical and emotional changes while pregnant, but her man may not grow at all during her pregnancy. An irresponsible jerk does not magically become good father material just because his sperm successfully united with an egg.
"Children have needs."
They sure do. That's why women need to be very choosy about the guy they choose to make babies with.
"Men need to stand up and be the parents that they choose to be the moment they take it out of their pants."
They should, but not all will. I could say the same thing about women... but of course there's the morning after pill, abortion, safe-surrender... any number of legal (but not necessarily moral) choices AFTER conception.
"It takes two to tango....and it's not the woman who makes herself get pregnant."
Yes, but she is the one who will be pregnant. She has the choice of the man she will let inside her body.
Look - I'm responding to what a woman wrote. If one of my male classmates wrote a blog entry complaining about how crazy his ex-wife and mother of his children is, I would be writing here "YOU picked her, brother!" Let me be clear: Men should not risk making babies with women unfit to be mothers.
"You seem to write negative, anti-women, borderline hateful and downright paternalistic things without thinking about situations from our perspective or without any compassion for your so-called friend's situation."
I have compassion for her children, because they didn't choose their sperm donor. SHE had a choice. I'm not anti-women or hateful - but that is the common take when a man refuses to go along with the "women are always the victims" mentality.
"The older child is a freshman---how is she supposed to know what kind of father he would make to a teenager when she is 'making her vows'?"
Good question. There are things a woman can do to greatly increase the chances that she's marrying good husband and father material. Here are just a few: 1) He's 25 or older and is established in a career so that he can provide for her and any children they have. 2) He's financially responsible - saving instead of growing debt. 3) He's not a substance abuser. 4) He doesn't frequent hook-up venues. 5) He frequently discusses his plans for marriage and children, without prompting from someone else... like you. 6) He has a good "family" dynamic - not necessarily his biological family, if they are toxic - but he has longterm close friends and they treat each other well. 7) He treats other people well... like waiters. 8) He exhibits discipline and self-control. 9) There are no red flags or deal-breakers to finish off this sentence: "I love him and everything between us great, except _______." 10) You've been regularly seeing him long enough to verify that this is all true and not just your fantasy about him (at least a year - hopefully longer).
"Seriously--it's okay for him to be a jerk to his kids because he's trying, and she should have picked a better father, but she's the one who erred here?!"
The guy, if she's being accurate, is a complete asshole. I do not excuse his treatment of her or his children AT ALL. If I could get him alone I would tell him to man up and take care of his kids. What I'm saying is that she shares the blame for the situation her kids are in. She should have picked better.
"Sounds more like he had/is having some sort of midlife thing where he decided he doesn't want the responsibilities of parenthood, so he's thrusting them back onto her....well guess what kids are not returnable!"
No, they are still in their mid-30s. This is the way the guy always was.
"Oh, and FYI, studies show that people who live together before marriage actually stay married longer and have better marriages than people who don't."
I'd be interested in seeing those. Those studies I've seen say otherwise. But if it is okay to shack up, AND if what you're saying is true, then I don't see any reason at all for men to get married in the first place.
"I leave you with an idea--don't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes."
I can and will judge. You just judged me. We can't avoid making judgments. We just need to be careful about them. I lived the single life. I'm currently married. I see what goes on around me. I've known people who've gone through divorces. I have something to say about all of this, and so you do.
Except for rare circumstances, divorce is a horrible thing, and I wish all children had loving, responsible mothers AND fathers. But rarely does a woman end up with a deadbeat jerk of an ex purely through no fault of her own.
(I reposted this comment after correcting some typos.)
It's obvious that she has denied him previous visitations based on a "family activity" excuse.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like a very bitter and deluded individual. I don't believe he is even 1/4 the monster she's making him out to be and even if he was she choose to be with him. She needs to get over that fact and stop trying to poison the relationship between her kids and their dad. She openly admits she doesn't want them to see their father. And she badmouths him to their face.
Poor kids.