Thursday, June 12, 2014

I Have Kept My Voice Down

So the sex drought ended at three weeks, having gone back to the weekly mercy sex schedule. Any time I get close to giving her an orgasm, she stops me. As far as ending the drought, she said she needed me to be more affectionate during the rest of the time. Hey, I’m all for that. If I can give/get a hug, kiss, caress, that’s all good. The problem is, it is hard to do when 1) she’s not there because she’s taken the kids and left in a vain attempt to punish me; 2) I’m not there because I’m working to support the family, all of the comforts they enjoy a lot more than me, and to make sure my wife can have all of her medical appointments and medications; and 3) she pushes me away when I am there. It smacks of “jump through more hopes, you trained dog”, because she’s not going to enjoy it much either way, but if it means I share more affection, OK.

There’s no passion, no playfulness on her part. Over the years, there were a couple of times she did something special, like secretly dropping the kid(s) off with family so that when I came home it would just be to the two of us, with the intention of us having fun together; also, a couple of times she dressed a special way including one time she role-played. It has been a long time since something like that. When we have the place to ourselves and we can make love anywhere at anytime, she wants to stick to the default appointment, in our bed.

Ugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know fornication is wrong and it was bad for me to do back in my unmarried days, but darn it those women wanted to play. They let me know they wanted me, they appreciated me, they enjoyed me, and enjoyed what I did with them. There’s no way of knowing for sure – maybe they would have become icebergs after sharing wedding cake with me, or having a couple of kids.

She has said things in therapy that clearly state what I have suspected is the truth, about what she has done in terms of marrying me and having children. At the time she says them, she’s crying, and so I can’t say “Yup, I agree” because then the marriage would be even worse and there would be no going back, and we have kids to finish raising and I want them to have the best intact home I can provide them. So I carefully react in a way that isn’t disagreeing with what she said, but doesn’t “amen” it either.

She has put a tiny amount of time (so far) into preparing to look for work she can do from home. If that can help offset the unexpected costs we’re facing, that would be great.

Meanwhile, I have successfully kept my biggest flaw in check for all of this time.

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