Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Why Do I Care So Much?

This is another entry in which I discuss marital lovemaking. If you don't want to read about this subject, or read about it as it pertains to my marriage, consider yourself warned.

Recently, after many months of a "slump", I brought my wife to orgasm. This changed my mood for the better a whole lot, because since some time last year, I had failed to do so. I wish I could pin down the exact date, because it might help me figure out why there was a slump to begin with. We had previously established that my wife does not always climax despite my willingness to try as long as needed, so I didn't note when the slump actually started. When she knows it isn't going to happen, she tells me and thanks me and assures me she's having a good time anyway. I had trouble accepting this as it was, so as the weeks turned into months, this slump really did a number on me.

I realize women aren't all the same, but this had never, ever been a problem in any prior relationship. My lover and I would get her there, unless she was feeling ill or some other unusual factor was at work.

I suspect the cause of the slump was either a new medication she started last year, or some temporary financial difficulties we had (that she blamed herself for, not me).

It may not seem like a big deal (especially to guys), but it was. I already felt bad that she was only letting me try about once a week. She was willing to "take care of my needs" (mercy oral) almost whenever I asked, but I enjoy not only her body, but bringing pleasure to her. I feel like a selfish jerk accepting mercy oral knowing I'm not reciprocating. I lost much of my motivation to approach her, which is a problem because she wants me to initiate most of the time.

The slump contributed to an overall negative perspective on the entire relationship. Despite many good things about the marriage, including kids I adore, I would have told my younger self "Don't marry her. She'd make a great friend, but don't marry her."

Conversely, the moment the slump ended, great feelings welled up inside me and I was immediately aroused.

Why do I care so much? Does it matter? And if it does, is it a good thing or a bad thing to care so much?

I suppose I've always been somewhat of a pleaser. I don't unquestioningly accept authority, but once I do accept an authority, I try to please. Same goes for a partnership or team effort, and lovemaking is definitely a partnership (or team effort, when factoring in our Creator). Maybe that's it. She already relies on me financially and for other things, so it isn't like this is the only "thing" I can do for her, as if I'd be useless without being able to do this for her. Any feedback or comments, as always, are welcome.

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