Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Deflation and Sagging

This is one of those brutally honest posts that necessitates my anonymity, to protect the innocent (not me… my wife). It is about body parts, not the economy. You are warned.

I like boobs. A lot of men do. There's a lot of evidence to this fact. I've liked them since I was born. Boobs are some of the greatest handiwork of God. In general, women, because men and women are different, don't really understand the effect of female skin and body parts and appearance on men. Women may appreciate a nice butt or biceps on a man, but it usually isn't anything like a man's appreciation for a woman's behind or her boobs.

My wife's were never the greatest pair I've enjoyed*. I've never said that to her, of course. I don't want to say anything that will hurt her or cause her to reduce my access to her boobs. But they were very nice when we were first married. I didn't marry her for her boobs. I guess you could say I did on some level, because if she had a penis instead of a vagina and boobs, I wouldn't have married her. But you know what I mean.

Her boobs were at their most beautiful during the pregnancies. Very nice. But then came the breastfeeding and pumping. She was extremely dedicated when it came to those things. We had a daughter who was (and is) very talented, but not at suckling a real live nipple. So my wife pumped for a year and put her milk into bottles. That's dedication. I knew no boy of mine would have the same trouble; he'd suckle, and suckle well, darn it. And I was right. My wife was glad I was right, because she wanted that experience with at least one child.

Now after all of that, objectively speaking, her breasts aren't in such good shape. I told myself to expect this before I married. After all, we all get older.

I'm not stupid enough to say anything about it.

But the other night she did. And she has said something before, too.

Now, what am I supposed to say? "You're right. They've really lost a lot of their magnificence."? Lie and say they're looking better than ever, which she will know is a lie? I did the best I could while still telling the truth. I said I like them and enjoy them and the best thing about them is that their part of her, and she's beautiful and sexy. All true. And she was very happy to hear it.

But man, that was a minefield she put in front of me, and I could have made a fatal mistake.

Barring a breakthrough in medicine, I really don't see what can be done about it. I am not interested in her getting implants or other work. If she comes to me and asks to get such work, I will first tell her again that she attracts, arouses, and delights me as she is and then discuss the other ways we could spend such money.

Do I wish her boobs were like they were before the kids? Sure. But I also wish I didn’t have gray hairs spouting on my chest and that I had the skin I had back then (before the kids). I'm just thankful she still has them at all. God forbid she get cancer and need to have them removed. I'd still love her, still find her sexy, and I would be even more thankful to still have her. I'd still find her sexy because her attitudes and actions matter more, and even when it comes to her body, even with the "boob shriveling" as she has put it, she's got a great body.

Those breasts fed and comforted my kids. That is beautiful.

So, ladies, what do you have to say? Ever led your man to a minefield like that one? Guys, ever had a minefield like that one put in front of you?

*I had a long-term girlfriend who was 23 when we got together who had unblemished, natural, beautiful DDs and she was not overweight at all. It is kind of hard to beat boobs like that, especially since we got along very well and she was low maintenance.


  1. After all the kids, my boobs are slightly smaller than they were in high school and have been all of the first four letters of the alphabet at some point. I didn't like 'em big. They aren't as nice as they used to be, but I am happy with them. Small is easier to jog and play golf with.

  2. There are tradeoffs, to be sure. As far as what any given hubby thinks, it's a myth that all guys want them bigger.

    I do like the late Sam Kinison's routine about this subject, though. Paraphrasing, he expresses his disapproval of women getting surgical reductions, then says something like, "You'll never see a man going in to the doctor, and saying [pointing at his crotch] 'Doc could you please make this shorter?'"


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