When He Calls Off the Wedding

There was a caller to Dr. Laura today whose ex-fiancé called off their wedding two months out. He gave many reasons, any one of which should have been enough to show that he didn’t want to get married. At least not then. At least not to her. Dr. Laura pointed out to the caller that she should be happy that he called off the wedding when he did instead of waiting until after they were married and expecting a child to reveal that he didn’t want to be married.

The caller was emotional, no doubt in part to the fact that she had started seeing him again – which I’m sure means that they were fornicating, only now he didn’t have to face a wedding and marriage.

When a guy calls off a wedding, it often comes as a complete surprise to the woman who was expecting to be a bride. That’s because, especially that close to the wedding, she is so wrapped up in planning her party, her big day, that she will ignore any of the clues.

Why do men call off weddings? I’ve never called off a wedding that had a date set. I was once "engaged" to a woman who kept breaking up with me and kept handing back the engagement ring and then kept coming back to me and insisting that we simply resume like nothing had happened. Yeah, I was ridiculous back then to put up with that at all, but I had it in my head that you were supposed to make a relationships work. I didn’t yet realize that 1) not all people who were somewhat compatible in their outlook on life are meant to be together, and 2) there was nothing wrong with being single and that it was preferable at that age. Fortunately, I smartened up enough to decide that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than take her back yet again, and I made it stick. Having been through that, having gone through a wedding myself, and having a Y chromosome, I have something to say about why men call off weddings.

A man calls off weddings because:

He’s realized he doesn’t want to get married
-to you
-yet
-at all

Maybe he never wanted to get married to begin with. Maybe he proposed marriage or agreed to get married because he felt obligated because 1) you got pregnant; 2) you’re shacking up or at least fornicating; 3) he’s getting something from you like a job through your dad or your cooking and cleaning services; 4) his family was pressuring him.

But maybe that wasn’t the case. Either way, let’s look at the possibilities.

He doesn’t want to get married to you. You may not believe that because he was willing to fornicate with you, but men will stick their penises in knotholes on 2x4s. You may not believe it because he was shacking up with you. But shacking up is different than marriage. So is dating you for a really long time. Men don't grow up dreaming about their wedding day the same way women do.

But even if he, at one time, genuinely wanted to get married to you, that could have changed.

Why? Maybe it is because he’s learned more about you and your family – more of the flaws and baggage and shortcomings and personality differences, how you behave under stress or pressure, and he’s decided he can’t handle it, or at least doesn’t want to deal with it. Maybe as you started to taste the power you would have as a wife, your true nature started to reveal itself and he didn’t like he saw. Let’s face it – when a man gets married in today’s society, he’s forfeiting a lot of his power over himself – legally and socially. He’s forming a corporation with you, and if you should decide to break it up, he will lose half of everything that corporation earned, which more often means what he earned. A man may grow uncomfortable forfeiting his power and autonomy and earnings to a woman who has already started to show a pre-occupation with her own wants and willful ignorance of his needs. Ideally, a woman is also giving up her autonomy when she marries, but there’s nothing in the law that can enforce that, and a husband risks getting branded as "controlling" if he expects his wife not to behave like an unmarried woman.

He doesn’t want to get married yet. Circumstances may have changed – jobs, earnings, bills, health, whatever. He’s realized that he isn’t - or is no longer - in a position to take on the responsibilities of being a husband.

He doesn’t want to get married at all. Some men don’t realize this until marriage looms close and they suddenly realize what marriage means in today’s society. With community property and no-fault divorce laws, the only thing a state-licensed marriage guarantees is: 1) the spouse who earns more will have to pay the other spouse in the event of divorce; 2) any child born to the wife will be considered the husband’s by default. State-licensed marriage also tends to mean that a stepchild living in the marital home will be entitled to child support from the stepparent in the event of a divorce. These things usually work against men.

Is there anything a woman who wants to be wife can do to reduce the chances of having her wedding called off (or, for that matter, reduce her changes of divorce)? Yes.

Realize that your vagina is not magic. Using it or thinking about it (if you are holding out) will not make a man who doesn’t want to get married, or married yet, or married to you change his mind. If you have been dating for four years and you’re not married yet – chances are, he doesn’t really want to get married. It’s different if one or both of you is still in school, but in that case you should be seeing other people or nobody at all anyway.

Don’t pressure or nag a man to propose. If a man wants to marry you and he is ready to be a husband, he will propose on his own. It is perfectly fine saying on or before the first date (or on a second date or whatever) that you are dating to find a spouse. It is also fine to say at any time during the dating that you do not plan on living with or having sex with any man who is not your husband… or anything else you won’t be doing until you are married. But do not nag or pressure.

Don’t get pregnant hoping that will get him to marry you or will fix problems in a marriage.

Do not accept a marriage proposal too quickly into the relationship – most likely, something is amiss if he proposes too fast.

Save sex for marriage, then give him enthusiastic, passionate, or playful sex any time he wants it. Hey, I know this advice will not be followed by most women, but it works. A corollary to this is: do not shack up – wait until you are married to live together. If you are fornicating, and especially if you are shacking up, he has less motivation to marry you, and you may want to get married and he may agree to even if you are not the right spouses for each other because you have formed these bonds.

Make him glad you are getting married, and then glad he married you. You do this by paying attention to his needs, and that includes not letting yourself fall apart. If you picked the right man, he will pay attention to your needs. Deal with your major problems or challenges before committing – such as establishing yourself, paying off debt, getting your head shrunk, settling deadly vendettas, serving your prison time, etc.

Only commit to someone who is compatible with you in the most important areas of life, such as major goals, existing and desired lifestyle, worldview, and personality. This should be basic, but too many people, especially women, come up with this play in their heads and "cast" someone to fill the role of their romantic lead, ignoring that the real person does not match the "scripted" role.

Get pre-marital counseling with clergy or through your church (or equivalent), or with a family-minded licensed therapist. Strongly consider legal and financial counseling, including a pre-nuptial agreement that spells out expectations and conditions. The state already has a pre-nup for you – you might as well have one to which both of you agree, even if you don’t have any significant assets – yet. It is also a good thing to meet as a couple with your respective doctors so that any medical conditions that either of you have and their ramifications are discussed. Surprises and secrets in these areas are almost never a good thing.

So there you have it. You can completely ignore my advice if you’d like. Goodness knows, I didn’t know all of this before I got married, and so I definitely didn’t stick to all of this.