More Marriage Fun in Dear Abby

PRACTICAL IN DENVER, who “despises” wearing rings, yet plans to get engaged, wrote:

I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it.

I wonder if this guy even has a good reason for proposing? While their obvious disagreement over wearing jewelry should not be a dealbreaker, I do have to wonder if this guy has stepped back to take a look at the larger picture.

She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.

No, she doesn’t. Come to think of it, I can’t recall a good explanation for why a man who does want to get married should buy an engagement ring for a woman. Don’t pull out the “tradition” card unless you are consistent about sticking to tradition. Life has changed. Women can vote now. They own their own property, earn their own money, and have their own authority. So why is a man supposed to spend thousands of dollars on a ring? Wouldn’t that money be better served building a life together?

I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful.

Not a bad idea.

I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself?

It’s called “pretend”. We’ve pretended that gold and diamonds are classy in a way that wearing cash isn’t.

He should keep the heirloom, and if he’s going to give her a ring, it should be a new one.

Dear Abby responded:

Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject.

Sounds like a good idea.

Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling.

Of course! A man who doesn’t want to blow thousands of dollars on a ring for someone else is controlling. Any man who doesn’t allow women to run his life is controlling.

While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.

She sure can. She can also buy it herself.

Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it.

And assuming, that the laws of his state and the practicalities of the courts there make it reasonably certain he would get the ring back without penalty if she decided to commit adultery and file for divorce.

TROUBLED IN TORONTO wrote in:

I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.

So you are fornicating with a married man.

Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.

Fornicating with someone does not make you part of the family.

Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.

You were free to make that choice. He is free to make his. You are free to stop fornicating with him. Although it does seem strange to take a married man with whom you are fornicating to a wedding. I mean, why celebrate marriage if you don't actually respect marriage and see a difference between someone being married and someone no longer being married?

Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement.

I know a lot of women scoff at that, but divorce is costly for men.

I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.

Or maybe you are more of a booty call? Or maybe his daughter doesn’t want you there? Maybe he is hoping his wife will come back? Maybe it is all of the above?