Did Aimee L. Sword Read Sophocles?

Looks like we have what could be another case of Genetic Sexual Attraction*. Or maybe the mother is just a pedophile. Tammy Stables Battaglia reports in the Free Press.

A Waterford mother will spend at least nine years in prison for having sex with the 14-year-old son she gave up for adoption when he was a few days old.

She gave him for adoption when he was a few days old – she didn't have sex with him when he was a few days old. I hope.

Aimee L. Sword, 36, apologized for her actions at her sentencing Monday in Oakland County Circuit Court, said her attorney Mitchell Ribitwer.

Judge Daniel O'Brien sentenced Sword to nine to 30 years in prison.

Thirty years! Looks like she didn't get the vagina discount in sentencing.

Sword received yearly updates and pictures from the boy's adoptive family in Grand Rapids, Ribitwer said. But when she didn't get a picture when the boy turned 14, she contacted him online through a social networking site.

And then things got strange. Another example of why closed adoptions (of whatever they call it when there isn't any contact) is a better way to go.

After the teen got into trouble in Grand Rapids, his adoptive mother -- not knowing about the relationship -- agreed to allow him to stay with Sword in Waterford.

So... he wanted to go, or did this woman offer to "help" and the adoptive mother agreed, against the boy's wishes?

Married at the time, Sword shared her home with her husband and five other children, toddlers to late teens.

Five kids, a hubby, and she did the boy in her home? When?!?

This is not just an evil thing to do to the boy, but and evil thing to do to her husband and the children who lived with her.

But after he returned to Grand Rapids, he talked about the incidents to a counselor, who reported them to police.

"It's the first time I've really seen something like that between a mother-son," Oakland County Prosecutor Jessica Cooper said Monday after the sentencing.

Hmmm. I think it happens – it just isn't reported, perhaps in some cases because the boy feels special or grown up or think he is equally guilty because he enjoys it on some level. I'm speculating because I didn't have sex with an older woman – or anyone – until I was 19, and I certainly wasn't sexually abused in any way by a blood relative or anyone else. Even if the child enjoys the activity, it is wrong (people see that more readily when the sexes are reversed). Even if he didn't so much as feel pressured by her, it robs him of some important things and he shouldn't have been put in the position. Aside from messing with his mind - what if she had given him an STD or gotten pregnant by him?

*I can buy the idea of Genetic Sexual Attraction. Someone who is not raised with someone else isn't going to see them as child or parent or sibling. Throw in the fact that your offspring will look like a combination of you (which plays to narcissism... or and/or your parents and siblings who you knew and were fond of) and the person you were attracted to enough to have the sex that made the child. And you want to have some sort of connection or bond with this person you've missed for years. So I can understand - but people have to be accountable for their actions and not act on all of their feelings.

How much more is this going to happen with all of the kids being raised with full or half siblings or with one of their biological parents somewhere else? Aside from adoption, think of all of the out-of-wedlock births, the multiple marriages/divorces, egg and sperm donations, etc.

A Real Housewife of Orange County

Erika I. Ritchie of the Orange County Register reports on some interesting doings in Lake Forest, California. Looks like more script material for Law & Order: SVU. For the sake of discussion, I will assume the article accurately reports the relevant information of a truthful police report and truthful statements from the wife. Remember, everyone is considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law... blah blah blah...

So the hubby was arrested after turning himself in. He is accused of beating and duct-taping his wife. But there's more. A lot more.

Alireza Sazegari, 31, was arrested on witness intimidation, spousal abuse, kidnapping and assault with a deadly weapon, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

Can’t you just see this guy on Dr. Phil?

According to police reports, Orange County sheriff's deputies responded Wednesday morning to the couple's home in the 25000 block of Rivendell after the wife's friend found her beaten and bound in duct tape in the bathroom.

Thank God for that friend.

The 30-year-old wife, who's name has not been released, told police that her husband frequently beat her and didn't let her leave the house unless she was with him or unless she went to work, said Deputy Richard Nelson. She also told them that she is limited to specific rooms in the house.

Please tell me that they don’t have any children. If they don't, one might wonder why she didn't flee while at work. But she’s most likely developed something like the Stockholm Syndrome.

Deputies found 20 cameras in the house that appeared to be remotely monitored by Sazegari via his iPhone, Nelson said.

Freak.

The wife told police that her husband became angry after she spoke to an unauthorized man. She said he beat her and forced her to call in sick at work, Nelson said.

An "unauthorized man"? Unauthorized by her husband, I presume. Or is that some bizarre new euphemism for an illegal alien?

She told deputies that she'd been warned by Sazegari not to leave the bathroom and that if police became involved Sazegari had threatened to kill her. She told police that Sazegari had taken her cell phone and locked the house phone, Nelson said.

Deputies also found $10,000 worth of surveillance cameras and fingerprint-activated door locks, Nelson said.

He'll have better conditions and less supervision in prison.

What are the odds that this marriage was essentially forced?

What are the odds he'll still get chicks?

This is an example of where I would be in favor of a woman getting just about everything in a divorce. Should a guy like that really get half of the marital assets? No way. Just think... their money (which means her money, too) will go to pay for his defense. Ugh.

Father of The Month

Sarah Burge of the Press-Enterprise reports from the inland area east of Los Angeles:

A southwest Riverside County father accused of tying up and using a stun gun on a 23-year-old man who sent his 17-year-old daughter an explicit cell phone photo pleaded not guilty Friday to assault and other charges.

The paper's headline calls the 23-year-old a "teen prankster". I wasn't aware that 23 was teenaged. And prankster? Please.

Authorities allege that William Atwood Sr., 45, angry over the photo, lured Justin Moore to his home in French Valley. He then ordered him to strip down to his boxer shorts, fired a shotgun in the air, bound him with zip ties and shocked him with a Taser, authorities say. Eventually, he turned him over to a Riverside County sheriff's deputy.

So what's wrong with that?

"We don't authorize people to take the law into their own hands," said Supervising Deputy District Attorney Gerald Fineman. "That's why we have law enforcement."

Well, yeah, government agencies usually don’t advocate people do things for themselves that government agencies are supposed do – like educating children. Okay, so perhaps dealing with sex offenders this way is different.

Moore, who lives in Temecula and knows Atwood's daughter and son, told sheriff's investigators that he had sent a cell phone photo of his genitals to the girl and other friends as a joke.

A joke? Well, I guess it would depend on the size of the subject.

Investigators confirmed that Moore sent the photo to several people, including Atwood's daughter. Prosecutors declined to file charges against him.

Where's Chris Hanson?

Fineman said prosecutors would have to prove the photo was sent with a sexual intent. That does not appear to have been the case, he said.

Really? Huh? Have I missed something?

Fineman said Moore did not send the photo out of the blue. The group of friends, which included Atwood's daughter, had exchanged cell phone photos in the past that might be considered inappropriate.

Ah, I see. So I guess acquaintance rape wouldn't be so bad if they'd engaged in heavy petting on a different date.

Okay, so if the father really did everything alleged, then I could see how some people might think he went a teeny bit too far.

Now, can we lock Roman Polanski in a room with him?

Another Rapist Off the Streets

When I saw this story, I knew something rotten was going on. Either a guy was being slandered in the worst way, or a defense attorney was adding to the pain of rape victims. The jury decided it was the latter, finding Carlos Aguirre Jr. of Wilmington guilty on all counts. Long Beach Press-Telegram writer Tracy Manzer reports.

The 25-year-old Wilmington man was initially charged with six felony counts stemming from rapes of the victims - ages 14 to 16 - from 2004 to 2006.

Included in the filing was a count of possession of ecstasy and marijuana for sale - drugs that were used to incapacitate his victims - and a count of possession of child pornography for some 120 images found on his computer - featuring an 18-minute video of one victim being raped by Aguirre and a 12-year-old boy.

Six additional rape counts were added to the case shortly before trial.

Prison was made for guys like this. In the old days, he would have been beaten to death by men in the family of these girls. But we’re much gentler and orderly now.

All the counts stem from incidents in which Aguirre was an adult, though jurors heard from several witnesses that he began molesting his niece when she and Aguirre were children.

I would guess someone did something to him when he was younger. But at some point, a person is fully responsible for their actions and must break the cycle.

Aguirre's niece said the abuse started when was 5 and included her uncle forcing her 8-year-old brother to have sex with her as well as the molestation of she and her half-sister at the same time.

Multiple witnesses testified that Aguirre was convicted of raping his other niece when he was juvenile, resulting in the defendant serving two years in a juvenile detention facility.

It obviously didn't help, other than keeping him from hurting innocent people for two years. But I do have to wonder – what kind of parent, knowing what this guy did, allowed him around their children?

[Defense attorney] Russ argued that victim's problems in high school, her struggles with depression and alcohol and her father's taking away her car prompted her to lash out at her uncle.

People do tend to have problems when they've been raped, or are being raised by the kind of people that allow them to be around rapists. Oh, and yeah... a typical reaction of a teen who is mad at a parent is to accuse someone else of rape, right? I know people have a right to a legal defense, but I don’t think I could defend a client in a case that would require me to verbally attack minor rape victims.

He's facing a sentence of more than 100 years plus multiple life terms. The best thing he can do now is admit what he did, apologize, beg for forgiveness, expose anyone else he knows who aided his crimes, and write from prison to warn others how to avoid becoming vicitims of people like him.

Fantasy

The Generous Wife gave a perspective on fantasy back in February. (I am going through older items I have accumulated for blogging consideration.)

I think imagination is a gift from God. It serves a number of purposes, but, like most things, can be used for good or bad. As believers, we need to be wise about how we use our imaginations. I think there is nothing wrong with writing bedroom stories. I think there is nothing wrong with role playing. I think there is nothing wrong with enjoying sexual memories or creating sexual fantasies. I do think we need to be prayerful about content. We need to understand that where the mind goes the body may follow, where we create an appetite we may want to feed.

I don't mean to throw a lot of fear on y'all, really I don't. I'm for outrageous generosity, including where the bedroom is concerned. I just want to suggest a certain amount of care. I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasizing that you and your husband are young again, that you're deserted on a island, or that you live in another time (goodness, if you want to be aliens, go for it). I do get concerned when folks involve other people in their fantasies or if they imagine doing things that their spouse would never in a million years ever do (that may create a hunger for something that's just not going to happen and end in frustration for everyone).

God gave us imagination. We can use it for good or for ill. One way we can use it is to create even more fun for our spouse. It is okay to pretend. It is okay to pretend while making love with your spouse.

See You Want to Do WHAT?

Hellish Marriage and Puppy Love

Dear Abby had a couple of letters of relationships gone wrong, and I have to wonder where daddy is in both cases. NO VISIBLE WOUNDS wrote:

I have been married to "Ted" for 15 years. We have three school-age children. My husband is extremely narcissistic and passive-aggressive. During our entire relationship, he has been controlling and manipulative, as well as emotionally, economically and sexually abusive.

Taking her at her word, either she got knocked up by him right away out of wedlock (mistake) and decided to marry him, or she decided to make the first baby knowing he was this way (even bigger mistake). She went on to make two more babies with him. That was wrong on her part.

That being said...

"Controlling" is often what women call a man who ever tells them "no" or otherwise refuses to do everything they request. Same goes for "manipulative".

I'm not sure what she means by "emotionally, economically and sexually abusive" – Does she mean that he makes fun of Oprah, asks her not to buy yet another purse, and asks for fellatio, or does she mean he says he hates her, gambles away money she earned, and bites her labia?

I have remained in the marriage this long because I thought keeping the family intact was the right thing to do for my children.

The right thing was not to make babies with the guy, if he is really so bad.

(Ted doesn't abuse them. I am his only victim.)

That does hurt them. The best way a man can love his children is to first and foremost love their mother (provided the kids should be with the mother in the first place).

She's going to file for divorce, so she goes on to write...

Because Ted is very good at projecting a "good guy" image, I'm sure that people won't believe he is abusive. Should I be open about the reason for the divorce and be accused of lying?

This is why it is a good idea to file charges when someone assaults you – to have it on the record. Tell people he broke his vows (if that is the truth) and that you felt the divorce was necessary to protect the children. However, without evidence of abuse on his part, the children are going to have time alone with him - and any woman he's with.

Dear Abby tells her to gossip to some girlfriends. Nice. Hey, they already know. Where is that woman's father?

UNCERTAIN TEEN IN BEAVERTON, ORE. wrote:

I am an 18-year-old male. When I was 15, I met a girl on the Internet. We talked pretty often, visited each other and had a lot in common. I fell in love with her, as much as a teenager can love someone. Eventually we hit some bumps in the relationship and she broke up with me. We have rarely spoken since.

Abby, even though it was a teenage relationship and it was over long ago, it still hurts. Is this normal?

It isn't all that uncommon. You need perspective. In my opinion, the best way to have perspective is to focus on God, work on your studies, and hang out with friends. A lot of guys, however, find perspective through casual sex. Either way, you wouldn't see this past relationship as such a big deal. My guess is that the kid had sex with this girl and hasn't had sex since, or is a virgin.

Even Dear Abby points out...

And yes, it hurts, usually until you find yourself involved in another one.

Yup.

I'll tell you a secret: MOST people lack confidence when it comes to romance. But lasting love usually grows out of meaningful friendship.

Wait – lasting love and confidence are two different things. He can get confidence by having lots of casual sex, never finding lasting love. But he's likely to find lasting love with a quality woman if he gains confidence through character-building.

He should know that most women his age are going to be dating older guys. He should also know that most women his age are just as insecure and unsure as he is, if not more.

If he just wants sex he'll do better with older women, but of course there are always negative consequences.

If he keeps himself from getting emotionally entangled and instead focuses on his education and career and making good financial decisions, and does what he wants to do, in a few years the women will be there in his path, waiting for his request for a date.

Where's his father?

Hoarding

Looks like there's a regular show on cable now about hoarding - tape them all!. I remember seeing a newspaper article that there was a convention being held locally on hoarding, and I wondered if they were going to be passing out information at that convention – so that hoarders attending could take the stuff home and never get rid of it!

I suppose I used to be a hoarder to some extent. I didn't keep animals or ever leave food or dirty dishes sitting around. But I compulsively collected certain things – such as receipts – and would never bother to get around to getting rid of them. Newspapers, magazines, any kind of literature, books – even if I never had time to read them, I couldn't bring myself to get ride of them once I had them in my possession. I knew it was time to let a weekly mag subscription lapse when I wasn't finished reading one issue before the next would arrive.

I would also be struck with a thought and would write it down on whatever scrap of paper I had handy. And then I would end up with a bunch of scraps of paper.

Fortunately, technology has helped. I don't subscribe to any print magazines anymore, nor newspapers. Anything I want, I can find online. Using credit cards to pay for everything (we pay them off every month, so we never pay interest) has replaced keeping most receipts. And I can jot down my thoughts and reminders in electronic form. Digital storage takes up almost no space.

I am also a collector of a certain organization's memorabilia, and as such, I have collectibles and related print publications from the past. But I haven't had a lot of time in recent years to acquire a lot more in that regard, nor does it irritate my wife because she's a fan of that organization, too.

I can identify somewhat with people who don't want to get rid of something because they might use it someday or sell it for profit someday. But when health or fire safety becomes an issue, that is where the line has to be drawn.

Going For It

One woman wrote to Dr. Laura to talk about hanging out with fourteen other married mothers of young children.

But, when the topic switched to sex within our marriages, (or the lack thereof!), I instantly felt as though I had been transported into a typical Dr. Laura phone call! Oh, the excuses that came pouring forth from the women bordered on cliche! From, "I'm just too tired at the end of the day", to "I don't need one more thing on my to-do list", to "I just really want him to initiate, but he doesn't anymore", were the typical explanations for why these women had essentially cut their husbands off from sex.

And they were probably looking for reassurance and sympathy. The letter writer wrote that she used to be the same boat:

With your voice echoing in my head, I accepted responsibility for my actions, stopped saying no, quit looking at sex as another chore to endure, and began to make my husband's need for sex a priority. Thanks to your constant encouragement to "treat kindly" and "never pass-up a perfectly good orgasm," my husband and I are enjoying the best sex of our entire 12 year marriage!

Nice, huh? She paid it forward...

Then, I looked right at them, summoned all my courage, and in typical Dr. Laura fashion said, "The power to restart your sex life is all yours, Ladies! Instead of saying sex is one more thing you have to do, say sex is one more thing you get to do. Start realizing that you've earned and deserve an orgasm at the end of your long days. Put the kids in bed early, and tell your husband that you need him to rock your world. Tell him you're sorry for rejecting him so many times, and make it safe for him to initiate again by letting him know that if he asks, you won't say no, because you know that sex is so valuable to him. Acknowledge that it's normal to take a few minutes to get-in-the-mood. Push past those minutes, and you'll find that you are more interested than you realized! And after your orgasm, I guarantee neither you nor your husband will regret that you took 30 minutes out of your day to connect with each other on such a physically intimate level.

As a husband, this looks right to me!

On another note - with the holiday weekend (Independence Day here in the USA), I will likely by busier than usual with family, and thus not updated the blog. Have a good weekend!

Possible Problem With Comments

Curiepoint and snowflake both left comments that I could have sworn I elected to publish, but I don't see them. Hmmm. Sorry about that. I always appreciate comments. Maybe they'll show up later.

UPDATE - Uh, never mind. They just showed up. Strange.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever

There can't possibly be anyone left over the age of ten who watches "The Bachelor"/"The Bachelorette" thinking that the show is really about romance and finding true love. There are probably more people who watch pro wrestling who fail to grasp that the shows are "booked" - the vignettes, the outcomes, some of the moves, and some of the trash-talking by the characters is written by others, and the wrestlers are actually cooperating in choreography with each other to put on an entertaining show. (It would be interesting to hear from the pro wrestler who was on this season a comparison between his roles.) The difference is, pro wrestling can be watched in-person and on live broadcasts in which mistakes and performer-improvised aspects will be included. And people can and do really get seriously injured. And, of course, the industry now openly admits the nature of their programming. In contrast, the people behind "The Bachelor" seem to fear that being open and honest about the nature of the show would take away the fun of their show.

It is absurd for a contestant on this series to talk about what they were given by the star as a date. The settings and activities of those dates are arranged by the producers.

The entertainment value of "The Bachelor" series is mostly in 1) laughing at the stupidity of the whole thing; 2) noticing just how much the people behind the show will stretch credulity; 3) watching the train wreck of bizarre behavior and hokey acting by some of the performers; 4) guessing who is being set up to be the “star” of next season.

My wife watches the show and she shows me the "good" parts. It was rather easy to figure out that last season, on "The Bachelor", Ali was being set up to be the star of this current season of "The Bachelorette". It was also obvious that Jake made the decision he did because he knew people would forgive him for dumping the woman he chose; fewer people would if he picked the "good girl" and then dumped her. And there always is a dumping – none of them ever stay together. Thinking about that – none. Nonmatchmaking "reality" shows have actually ended up creating lasting couples, because the participants have something in common. This time, it appears that the break-up was timed to keep the two of them in the headlines after Jake's run on "Dancing With the Stars" ended.

In the latest episode of this season – Ali's season – a contestant left after it was revealed that… gasp… he had a girlfriend! And he had been seeing someone else in addition to her, too.

How many other participants on the show have a girlfriend or women he has been seeing back home? Probably most. There's no way everyone else on the show, aside from this guy, was completely unattached and seriously looking to settle down with someone they were going to be performing with on such a farce of a show.

The entire premise of the show is hard enough to believe. Twenty-five young, attractive, unmarried professional men (or women) have each closed all other doors and are wholeheartedly focused on winning over an attractive woman (or man) who is dating twenty four other men and making out with some of them on camera, spending time with them in hut tubs and overnight in nice hotel rooms. (I would suggest not promising exclusivity to anyone unless there’s a ring and a date.)

Do all of the guys really want to marry Ali? I'm sure most of them, if not all, would love to share a room with her overnight, and that all of them want to stay on the show as long as possible (at least when they start out), hopefully setting themselves up to be the next Bachelor… where they will get to star for a season and make out with various women. But there's no way that all of them really want to marry her. And, given the track record, there will be no pressure for them to do so should they have the misfortune of being picked by her instead of being picked by the producers to be the next Bachelor.

There there's the fact that everyone – from the guy who is supposedly quitting and running away from the show to his girlfriend who supposedly isn't part of the show - waits for cameras to get into place (sometimes coming to a remote city) before going ahead and doing what they were going to do. Kind of like pro wrestling television.

Don't get me wrong. I find the show entertaining, like watching an empty car burn. I just don't think it is doing positive things for relationships.

If you are also a viewer, are you there for the right reasons?

Click on my tag below to read my previous writings about "The Bachelor".

Can She See Her Reflection on Your Scalp?

The balding issue reared its head, so to speak, in the same Dear Abby edition I cited in my previous entry. SMOOTH-HEADED IN TAMPA, FLA. wrote:

Why are some women so shallow that they won't date a man who is going bald? I mean, they do not even make the time to get to know us. They just turn us down.

Dating is optional and a mutual decision. Attraction isn't always going to be fair or rational. If a woman doesn't want to date a bald man, I won't fault her any more than a man who only will date women with breasts on the larger side.

Are there women out there who like men who are bald or getting there?

Do you live in a cave? Plenty of bald men attract women – maybe despite their baldness, but they do. (Some men like women with flat or nearly flat chests, too.) If you're having trouble, maybe there's something else about you that is keeping them away... like your lack of confidence. Maybe you should wear a hat made out of hundred dollar bills. That will attract women - but I'm not sure if they are the kind for whom you are looking.

One of my better features is my thick hair. I've never had a worry about losing my hair, and I'm thankful for that. I've never sported defined abs even when I had no extra fat, but I've used to my hair to my advantage.

Tale As Old as Time

A teen girl disagrees with her mother's strict rules. JERSEY GIRL wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 15-year-old girl and a freshman in high school. My relationship with my mother is very good. I can talk to her about everything and anything.

Great.

My problem is she won't allow me to date as long as I live under her roof. She says teenagers are too young to date.

Good for her. She's right. You should be focusing in your studies, your friends, your hobbies.

I have recently developed feelings for a boy in a few of my classes, but I am prevented from pursuing a relationship with him.

Are you really? You mean you can’t talk at school?

I feel sad and empty because of this.

That is a good example of proof you are too young. There should be plenty about life keep you happy and full, even if you can't date this boy.

My mother has no reason to keep me from dating other than her belief that I'm too young.

Your age is enough. But she has more reasons than you know.

I am a good kid and get straight A's.

Great! You can be a great student and still get pregnant, get an STD, have your heart broken, have your honor besmirched, get raped, etc. And with the drama of teen dating, your grades may suffer. There will be plenty of time for boys... plenty. It may not seem like it now, but if you concentrate on planning to get out of the house when you graduate, you'll be able to have your freedom.

Friends tell me to date behind her back, which I don't believe in.

The more you follow your mother's rules now, the better chance she'll ease up on them as you get older. Don't try to subvert her rules. You're under her care. It is her rules.

Where's daddy? That's a big part of the problem right there, and maybe it has a lot to do with your mother trying to protect you.

Dear Abby responded:

A parent who prevents her daughter from dating as long as she lives under her mother's roof and expects that when she moves out -- presumably at 18 -- she will automatically be prepared for the dating scene, is delusional.

Uhm, well, how is she any more prepared when she’s three years younger? At least at 18, she will be responsible for herself. Is the goal to get her to be good at dating by age 18, or to keep her out of trouble now?

If your mother prefers that you not date one-on-one at 15, she should consider allowing you to go out in groups, as many teens do these days.

Maybe she should let you invite some friends over, including this boy – where she can keep an eye on everything. The bottom line is that a 15-year-old girl should not be alone in private with a boy. If he's also 15, hormones are raging and he'd do just about anything to get a feel or see some skin.

Out of Order

What a mess. GROOM (?) IN MICHIGAN wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 48-year-old man about to be married for the second time. My bride, "Jennifer," is significantly younger than I, but aside from that, we're alike on most issues. We have lived together for five years

Strike one.

and have two beautiful daughters, ages 3 and 7.

Strikes two and three. So it took you almost three years after knocking her up the first time before you decided to shack up? Why not marriage? And then you made a second kid out of wedlock? Ugh.

We are now involved in making wedding plans.

What's to plan? You can get it done with almost no planning. Where I live, you go to the County Clerk and you can get it done with little hassle.

I know it's a woman's special day, but when I ask the normal question of "How much does it cost?" Jennifer becomes unglued.

It's traditionally a woman's special day. You both threw tradition waaaay out the window.

And now that she has you by the balls, she's going make the decisions, and you are supposed to either shut up or be reduced to paying child support and visiting your kids.

If this is how she acts now, what about after the wedding?

It's going to get worse. And you'll be signing over half of your earnings to her (child support will be on top of that).

Am I being an idiot to worry about the money, or is Jennifer being unrealistic by ignoring it and stifling my concerns?

You were being an idiot when you knocked her up. She is being unrealistic now. You have kids, and you need to be financially responsible for their sake.

Dear Abby responded:

So before you go any further, stop the music and insist that the two of you get premarital counseling to ensure that you really are on the same page. It could save you a bundle -- of heartache and money.

If a wedding date has been set, postpone it, without resetting the date until after you get a pre-nup – one that includes a budget for the wedding. Only then should you reset the wedding date. If you haven't already, get a vasectomy. In your next life, don't make babies until you are married.

No Iron Man, No Wedding

A woman says she will not marry her boyfriend unless he completes an Iron Man.

If he's already getting everything he wants from her, then there is yet another reason for him NOT to do it.

Can you imagine if the sexes were reversed on this one? What a Beta.

Have You Met Kevin Michael Sianez's Dog?

Sianez is accused of 63 counts...

...ranging from defrauding clients to intimidating witnesses to posting ads on Craigslist seeking women to engage in sex acts with his Labrador retriever.

Kevin Michael Sianez, 53, of Fountain Valley is also charged with illegally operating a private investigation service without a license, according to the Orange County district attorney’s office.

Would you hire this guy?

Investigators also discovered that Sianez posted ads on Craigslist seeking women to engage in bestiality with his dog, prosecutors said, and he tried to set up the meetings through e-mail.

If convicted of all the charges, Sianez faces a maximum of 38 years in prison.

But what does the dog have to say about all of this?

Either he's a really strange and scary guy, or someone is doing an excellent job of setting him up. Investigators go make enemies, after all.

Try, Try Again

The other day, Kevin McCullough (author, columnist, radio show host) was filling in on a local radio talk show, and he was talking about how there should be fault determined in divorce and it should possibly have an impact on child custody. A cheating spouse, for example, should not be able to walk with half of the marital assets, alimony, and custody of children.

McCullough is a conservative Christian who believes husbands should be strong and in charge, protecting, providing for, loving, and respecting their wives.

At least one man called to express his concern about faulting people for an affair, saying that out a fifteen year marriage, he and his wife have not had sexual contact in the last ten years due to her ongoing rejection, and her refusal to get counseling. The implication was that he should not be punished if he were to stray as if he was some jerk whose cheats on a wife who regularly and enthusiastically jumps his bones.

McCullough gave a few different examples of what the man should say to his wife and how he should say it. Things akin to "Honey, I love you, and God designed me to want to be with you in a certain way, and it is not acceptable for us not to have that together. It would be for you like if I refused to engage in conversations with you." He told the guy to approach his wife in this way (with variations in the actual words) every day, being sensitive yet firm. His advice was to persist in approaching her until she either leaves or relents. (Of course, if she relents, she may still do her best impersonation of a rag doll, and for most men that is disheartening.)

My immediate thought was - "The guy doesn’t want to drive her from the home. In addition to the family disruption, he'll lose half of everything he's worked for over the last 15 years and pay her alimony until he dies."

Ah, but not in McCullough's scenario. In his scenario, she would be penalized for leaving.

So that tactic could work for all of the rejected spouses – if our laws and courts were in line with what McCullough wants.

However, as long as a guy will likely face losing his children, the home, savings, investments, and still be obligated to pay a woman for the rest of his life even though she wasn't much of a wife in the first place – he's going to be less likely to try the tactic of "persist until she relents or leaves". In addition to having to endure active rejection on a daily basis, which can be very painful, he'll be putting himself at the mercy of a system that isn't kind to husbands and fathers, especially if they've been earning all of the income.

What do you think? Is the persistency tactic a good idea under any circumstances, existing or hypothetical?

What Can Browne Do For You?

I'm not a philosophical naturalist. I do not think the physical universe is all there is, was, or ever will be. I do not think human beings are nothing more than molecules. I do not believe the mind and brain are synonymous. I do believe we are spiritual as well as physical beings - that there are real things that exist that are not comprised of matter, and one of those things is my spirit. I believe there are spirits and other realms of existence.

This doesn't mean I believe in every supernatural concept. If you don't want to read anything negative about psychics, you can skip the rest of this blog entry.

I do think that some people have received knowledge through supernatural means. I can't say for sure if people are currently receiving knowledge through supernatural means, but I strongly suspect that God and angels do still communicate with people on some level. I think I've mentioned here before that I believe God once put a very loud thought in my head.

But do some of us "naturally" have ESP or some other psychic abilities? I can't say "no" for sure. What I can say for sure is that as someone who believes the Bible is true and authoritative, God or His angels should be our source of gaining information supernaturally – not horoscopes, Ouija boards, or psychics. Why? Well, in addition to charlatans posing as psychics, I don't believe that all angels are good. I believe some have rebelled against God, chief among them being Satan (Lucifer), and I do believe that they are harmful and lie (by omission, commission, or otherwise) or would tell us things we shouldn't know. Only God is omniscient, and I doubt that fallen angels (demons) have the ability to know everything about the future, even if they can make really good guesses.

God has already given us everything we need to know to have a good life. He's given us the Bible. Jesus Christ lived and tauight among us as one of us. We have our mind and our senses. If there's something we need to know that we can only be told through supernatural intervention, God will find a way. Most of us don't spend enough time reading up and observing and studying and contemplating all that He has already made clear to us. Why search for hidden knowledge?

I believe that, in general, the spirits of the dead do not hang around to give us messages.

The reason I write all of this now is that a blog entry at the Orange County Register plugged a book tour by Sylvia Browne.

Sylvia Browne, one of the best-known psychics around, comes to Orange County next week on the book tour for her new memoir, "Psychic: My Life In Two Worlds."

We'll be talking to Browne in a day or two for a story on the book and her upcoming appearance, and since she’s willing to answer general questions about the future, we thought we’d let you ask what’s on your mind.

The website allows comments (they even asked for them in this case... or at least for questions). True to form, the Register readers came up with some good ones, starting with one from a fellow blogger at the website:

"The Watcher":

Ask her when she is going to step up and take James Randi’s Million Dollar Challenge. She said she would nearly 10 years ago but has sidestepped the issue continually.

Also, ask when she plans to get a prediction right.

According to Wikipedia, "A detailed three-year study of her predictions about 115 missing persons and murder cases has found that despite her repeated claims to be more than 85% correct, 'Browne has not even been mostly correct in a single case.'"

"Doug T.":

What is the Super Lotto number for next week?

"Dopey":

Where did I put my car keys?

"MUADIB":

When did you first come up with the idea to scam the rubes with your "psychic" schtik? and a follow up question.How do you sleep at night knowing that you have ripped off people with your "psychic" fraud?

"goldensunshine":

Ask her how she can wake up and go to sleep with herself everyday knowing that she is preying upon people who are grieving, missing a loved one or just in dire need? Ask her how she can charge a single mom a rate of $750 (or more) for a 20 minute reading to tell her lies about her missing child?

"Kevin":

If she were any good she would have emailed me with the answer already...

It's Not Antigay to Promote Mom + Dad

We know that Dr. Laura upsets, among other people, abortionists, hedonists, misandrists, obesity advocates, daycare providers and others who profit from umarried parenting or both parents having careers that take them away from their kids, and people who think little girls should sacrifice their bodies to competitive gymnastics. But while they may whine about her, they are nothing compared to the concentrated, irrational hatred directed at Dr. Laura Schlessinger by people who want to pretend that there is no difference between a husband and wife raising a child and two men or two women. Because she takes that stand, she has been wrongly portrayed as hating gay people.

She finally spoke up about it.

Here's the truth: I'm for marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. I'm for children having the benefit of a married mommy and daddy, which by the way also means that you straight women should not intentionally exclude a daddy from your kid's lives just because you want to be a mommy. But most importantly, you listen every day, you hear I take calls almost daily from gay men and women asking my advice on personal and family matters. These are the people who know the truth about me because, you know what, they actually listen to my daily radio program. They call because they know I can and will help.

Check out Playful Walrus for a good response to the situation.

Obama Speaks on Fathers

A man can first and foremost be a good father by only making babies with the right woman, within marriage, and being a good husband. It also helps if he has more experienced fathers from whom he can draw advice. Uninvited interference, including by clumsy government, can be problematic. I don't think I have anything else to add right now to what was said here at The Opine Editorials about Obama's statement today on fathers.

Men could be better fathers if they weren't competing with the government to be daddy and paying the government to do it, if their children weren't being told fathers are irrelevant or even detrimental, and if women weren't financially and socially rewarded for divorcing good husbands.

Oh, Grow Up

On the Townahall.com blog, Jillian Bandes posted "Delaying Adulthood", which was inspired by something in the New York Times.

Many people in their 20's and 30's aren't assuming the traditional responsibilities that come with adulthood, delaying parenthood, marriage, and even a full-time job. Part of it is because women are in the workforce, and therefore less inclined to assume traditional roles. Part of it is because of the coddling of the nanny state, and the hands-on nature of American parenting.

While most adults do marry and have children, and I don't disagree that the things she cited are delaying marriage and parenting, I am careful to insist that someone can be a mature adult without marrying or becoming a parent. A lot of people marry and/or become parents and are immature and certainly not independent adults. And it seems like a small but growing number of people, men especially, are making a mature, reasoned decision to remain unmarried and childless – and still living life as mature, independent adults.

"Kenny Z" writes:

The summer jobs they used to take to learn responsibility and socialization are now taken by adults because no other jobs are available.

They are told to save yet they are forced to pay social security for a growing number of people collecting social security, forced to join unions, and offered meager salaries. The number collecting are growing exponentially while the number paying are shrinking.

They are being taxed from every direction: property taxes, sales taxes, gasoline taxes, and any other taxes the various city councils, school councils, government in every form city, county, state and federal.

They hear nothing but gloom and doom about their futures.

"K.G". writes:

Free breakfast, free lunch, free health care, free welfare if you get pregnant outta wedlock. Today's kids (and adults) are reared to believe that nothing bad can happen, that there will always be a safety net should they make bad decisions or just have plain bad luck.

To me, someone is a mature, responsible adult if they are:

1) Self-sufficient to the point where they are not parent or government-dependent. Some exceptions apply in disability cases, and this doesn't apply if someone is "dependent" because they are doing something like serving in the military.

2) In reasonable control of their behavior, including not staying in abusive relationships.

3) Not leading a life of crime.

4) Not killing children or condemning them to a broken or motherless or fatherless home.

One Reason Kids Are Acting Out, Not Learning

This letter to Dr. Laura from an 8th grade teacher talks about the difficulties his students face because parents make poor decisions about picking a mate and dating.

I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices they know they aren't first in their parent's eyes. This is some of what my students tell me:
•"We're moving to Pennsylvania because my mom's boyfriend got a new job there."

•"My stupid dad's girlfriend moved in with her two kids and they keep getting into my stuff!"
•"I hate going home to my stepdad. My mom works nights"
•"My mom and stepdad are divorcing, so we're probably moving and moving schools."
•"My dad's girlfriend was reading my text messages! She has no right! I hate that she lives with us and she and my dad aren't even married!"

The letter-writer is a divorced father who doesn't date.

Once you are a parent, your right for everything in your life to be about you is gone. You have obligations to your children.

She Wants to Be the Heaviest Woman

But sorry, guys, she's taken! On the heels of yesterday's story on a study of sex and obesity, I bring you this Karina Ioffee's Reuters story.

A New Jersey woman is waging a campaign to become the world's heaviest living woman, admitting that she is as hungry for attention as she is for calorie-rich food.
Donna Simpson, 42, weighs more than 600 pounds (272 kg) and aims to reach 1,000 pounds (455 kg).

There is something very, very wrong with this woman,

The mother of two children, ages 3 and 14, models on a website called [name of fatty website removed on purpose], where admirers and the curious can pay to watch videos of her eating greasy foods or walking to the car.

Something is very wrong with those people. And she is being a horrible mother.

Among the heaviest women ever recorded was one who reportedly weighed 1,800 pounds (816 kg) and another who reportedly weighed 1,200 pounds (545 kg) at the time of their deaths.

Yuck.

Simpson said she has received a book offer and wants her own reality show, partly to give plus-size women more confidence.

People need motivation to lose weight – not encouragement to gain weight.

She wears size XXXXXL clothing, which she buys mostly online, and calls herself a member of the "fat acceptance community."

You are way beyond "fat". You are suicidal.

Simpson has found a man who says he appreciates her size, and they plan to marry in Hawaii this year.

What's his problem?

Her fiancee, 49-year-old Philippe Gouamba and the father of her 3-year-old daughter, said he not only finds Simpson attractive but is also one of Simpson's biggest supporters in her quest to expand her girth.

Maybe he wants full custody, and getting her to kill herself is the fastest and surest way of making that happen? Making kids out of wedlock was also a bad idea.

Simpson said she gets e-mails from women who think they will never fall in love or have children because of their weight.

"I just say that's not true," Simpson said.

Of course extremely obese women can fall in love and have children, but their options are greatly reduced. If they want to marry a very successful professional man, they can forget it.

Simpson spends as much as $750 a week on groceries, suffers from Type 2 diabetes and struggles with basic tasks such as cooking and taking a shower.

Imagine the smell.

"I've always been comfortable with myself," she said. "It was just everybody else that wasn't comfortable with me."

Yeah, narcissists and sociopaths are often comfortable with themselves, too.

They should get huge barrel of flour for a wedding present. I won't explain why... it is a rude joke.

Look, I've stuggled with my weight over the years. When I am fat, I know it is a result of failing to live a healthy lifestyle. I don't claim that it is a good thing.

Another "Duh" Study

Hey, being obese raises the risk of problems with sex? Wow, who knew? Maria Cheng of the Associated Press reports.

In a new study, European researchers found obese women had more trouble finding a sexual partner than their normal-weight counterparts, though the same wasn't true for obese men, and were four times as likely to have an unplanned pregnancy.

The first part is obvious. The second is almost as obvious. Obese men do have a little more trouble gaining money, power, and fame, and until they do, they will have a harder time "finding a sexual partner". But once these guys do "make it" they won't have any trouble. The last part of that sentence has been confirmed elsewhere, which is one more reason for men to avoid the fatties.

Fat men also reported a higher rate of erectile dysfunction.

Yup. Stay healthy, guys!

Previous studies have found similar trends, but researchers were surprised by the discrepancy they found between the genders as to how excess weight affects peoples' sex lives.

Perhaps they are just saying that to be politically correct.

"Maybe women are more tolerant of tubby husbands than men are of tubby wives," said Kaye Wellings, a professor of sexual and reproductive health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and one of the BMJ study authors.

Duh. Generally, women marry mostly for "security" and men marry for sex and children. They want a hot wife who is in shape for many reasons, including the health of their child. Women like hot men, but they choose security above that.

Obese people are at higher risk anyway for diabetes, depression and urinary stress incontinence, all of which can hinder sex. If people are extremely heavy, they might also have muscular or skeletal problems that make sex challenging.

Also, a man needs to be turned on enough to get an erection or there is no sex. Women can use lubricant.

Pregnant fat women and their babies also faced a higher risk of complications and death than normal-weight women.

Like I said.

They also found that women tended to have partners with a similar body shape. Nearly 70 percent of fat women reported having a partner who was also heavy, while only about 40 percent of fat men had a similarly proportioned partner.

You can look around to see this. Generally, a fit man is with an obese woman for one of three reasons: 1) He married her when she was in shape, and then she gained a lot of weight but his love and vows have kept him with her; 2) She was obese when he married her, and he was poor or insecure and didn't have a lot of marital options; 3) He's a chubby chaser.

Did You Knock Up Brianne Luna?

In California's Inland Empire, a mother has been arrested on suspicion of drowning her two-year-old son in a bathtub.

There, firefighters were trying to revive a 2-year-old boy who had drowned in the bathtub. The boy was taken to a local hospital where he was pronounced dead.

The child's mother, Brianne Luna, refused to give deputies a statement about what happened, Borja said.

Where was daddy? It was afternoon, so if we give everyone the benefit of the doubt, he was at work. But why did he leave a kid alone with this woman? [UPDATE: The link is to KTLA-TV, which is owned by the same company that owns the Los Angeles Times, and they share news. Despite this, the KTLA story says this was at 3:45pm and the Times says 3:45am, which would be even more suspicious.]

Sheriff's officials say there were other family members at the home when the child drowned, however, it was not immediately known if the boy's father was one of them.

So sad. If only we had the ability to choose whether or not to have children, "safe" and legal abortion, various forms of adoption, safe surrender laws, and public programs assisting with mental health and parenting. Then stuff like this would never happen.

Inspiring Couple

Ready for an uplifting story? Kate Linthicum of the Los Angeles Times writes about a couple that has been married or 72 years, and are becoming an viral sensation. Barbara "Cutie" Cooper is 93 and Harry "PopPop" Cooper is 98, and they inspired their grandchildren to tell the world about them.

The-OGs.com — short for Original Grandparents — has its own theme song (lyrics: "Oh wow, oh gee, it's the OGs!") and a handful of regular video features. In "PopPop's Adventure Corner," viewers look on as he discovers modern marvels like the iPod (He calls it his "music box.") In "Ask Grandma Anything," they get style advice from Cutie, a bold fashionista who was recently kicked out of the dining room at the couple's retirement home for wearing leggings that were, Kim admits, "too sexy."

Here is no doubt some of secret of their success:

At Hollenbeck Palms nursing home in Boyle Heights, they still sleep in the same twin bed and kiss more often than teenagers.

"If I walk by, he kisses me," Cutie says. "We kiss when we say hello, goodbye, when we're going to bed and waking up."

Good for them. Read the whole thing.

High School Girl Needs a Lesson in Reality

Ah, the drama of schoolgirl romances. This is one of many examples of where a frank talk with a good father would be very helpful. TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm 17 and have been dating "Raymond" for two years.

If you've been seeing him exclusively, that's not good. You are too young for that kind of relationship, unless you live in the boonies in one of those towns were everyone goes to the same church, and you have no desire to ever leave. I don't think Merced qualifies.

The thing that concerns me is we aren't supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is.

Where in the world did you get the idea that you aren't supposed to be attracted to other people? Of course he is attracted to other people. If you aren't, something might be wrong.

During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face.

You mean he picks them up and throws them in your face? Wow!

Okay, so I think what you mean is that he mentions other girls. If he is about your age, this is an example of how he is too young to be an exclusive boyfriend.

That really hurt, and I can't get over it.

Then dump him. He's not ready.

I think he's attracted to other girls, but he doesn't want me to be attracted to other guys.

We get it – you are both immature. He doesn't want to hear you talking about other guys. He doesn't have to know what you are thinking.

Can you please give me some advice?

Break up.

I'd really like to know what's going on inside his head.

You asked for it...

1. Hot women
2. What hot women look like naked
3. Sex with those women
4. What women he's seen in person look like naked
5. Sex with those women
6. I wish she would shut up.
7. Will my favorite team win it all this year?
8. How can I get around that one sticking point in [insert name of favorite game here]?
9. I hope that they make another sequel to [insert popcorn action movie title here], only good.
10. Damn, those are some cool wheels. I want to get one of those!
11. Is there a meaning to life?

Are his eyes for me only?

No. Get used to it. A more mature and experienced guy who really cares about your feelings will do his best to avoid mentioning that fact that he still enjoys the sight of other women, but at least for the next several years, the guys you date won't be very good at hiding it.

Dear Abby responded:

It's normal for men -- and women, by the way -- of all ages to be attracted to people other than their mate. However, those with good character resist the urge to act on it.

Exactly.

You became involved with Raymond at a very young age, which has prevented both of you from having the normal kinds of dating experiences that are supposed to happen in high school.

For some people, it isn’t normal to date in high school at all.

Giving "Hitting It" a Different Meaning

When I saw the headline - Calif. Bill Would Target Spouses Who Hire Hit Men - I thought, Isn't hiring a hitman illegal already? I wondered it this was like one of those laws against beating up people because of their sexual orientation – as if beating people up was otherwise legal. But I read the article by Associated Press' Cathy Bussewitz.

The wife of a Southern California police detective, distraught because she had lost custody of her children, tries to hire a hit man from the Vagos motorcycle gang to kill him.

And to think she once made vows to him.

Instead, gang members alert police, who disguise themselves as biker thugs and secretly tape a conversation with her, leading to the wife's arrest and ultimate conviction for solicitation of murder.

Even gang members can do something right.

But later on, in divorce court, she is awarded half the couple's property, even though she tried to have her husband whacked.

Well, sure. We have no fault divorce and community property. She could have promised before the married that she didn't want - and couldn't have - kids, but instead wanted to work full time. Then, after they married, she could have quit her job, stayed home watching TV and eating ice cream, not lifting a finger around the house. She could have had sex right there in the marital bed with the hubby's supposed best friend, and bore several of his children. Then, she could have gone to live with her lover, filed for divorce, and taken out a hit. NONE OF THAT WOULD MATTER – she would still be entitled to half of the marital assets.

A bill scheduled to be heard Tuesday in a state legislative committee seeks to close what its author says is a loophole in the state's no-fault divorce code. In part, the legislation will specify that spouses who solicit the murder of their husband or wife are not entitled to collect financial rewards in divorce proceedings.

The bill was prompted by John Pomroy, a police detective in Pomona, about 30 miles east of Los Angeles. His wife collected about $70,000 from their estate after she was released from prison in 2004.

In murder cases, someone can file a wrongful death lawsuit and get assets away from the perpetrator that way.

State law says that if spouses are convicted of murdering or attempting to murder their husband or wife, they are not entitled to reap any financial benefits during divorce proceedings. But if they hire someone else to do the dirty deed for them, their victims' assets are not protected.

The bill would amend the law to include husbands or wives who solicit the murder of their spouse.

Go read the whole thing. You can read more about the specific case cited in the article. Choose wisely!

Apathy

I'm not watching the World Cup. I played soccer - that's what we call it in the USA - when I was growing up. But I'm simply not interested in watching it on TV. The NBA finals, I'll watch. Football, I'll watch. Postseason MLB, I'll watch. I find sports more entertaining in person, even without the closeups and narration that comes with TV.

Simon Cowell Makes it Look So Easy

Apparently, in some circles, not being complimentary enough of your buddy’s singing warrants death. From LATimes.com comes this story by Ching-Ching Ni about people who have an interesting set of priorities.- or maybe they are just angry when drunk.

Julian Sermano, 58, of San Juan Capistrano and two other men had been drinking and singing together at a park in 2007 when the three got into an argument.

The victim, Blas Gutierrez, 39, allegedly did not like Sermano’s singing and suggested that he was a better singer, prosecutors said. Sermano apparently became angry at the snub and the two began fighting.

Some things are worth fighting and killing/dying over.

The third man, Maurico Molina, 34, also of San Juan Capistrano, intervened by pulling out a pocket knife and stabbing Gutierrez twice.

Then Sermano allegedly pulled out his own knife and killed Gutierrez. But ther'es more to the story.

At first, prosecutors say, Sermano missed Gutierrez and wounded Molina instead.

You can't make this stuff up.

As Molina fell to the ground and tried to call 911, Sermano allegedly chased Gutierrez through the park and repeatedly stabbed the victim, according to the district attorney's office.

What, no kids joined in?

The Cow and Milk

At the end of her first hour today, Dr. Laura took a call from a couple who was shacking up, and had been so for ten years. To her credit (and if you check my Dr. Laura tag, you know I generally think she's great), she blamed them both, not just the man. But I wanted to go over something she said. She said that man was getting the milk without buying the cow.

I wrote about this before in this entry. But I wanted to briefly look at this again.

Among other things, this statement assumes that her company is more valuable than his. After all, it isn't just her living with him – he's also living with her without marriage. But Dr. Laura's statement, common to a lot of people, implies that she isn't getting anything out of the deal. He may be subsidizing, partially or entirely, her life. He likely is providing her with things like physical protection. He may be paying for her housing, food, clothes, entertainment, car, vacations, recreation, medical care, etc.

In some states, they are as good as married in terms of legal obligations, at least in the sense that if they parted ways, he’d be obligated to keep subsidizing her life.

Why doesn't anyone see this as him risking/giving away something, too? By only looking at this as denying her something, it appears to be a tacit admission that marriage doesn't benefit men, but does benefit women. Dr. Laura refers to marriage as him laying down his life for her, but where is the mention of what she will be sacrificing/obligating herself to by becoming a wife?

As I've said before, shacking up is a bad idea for many reasons and I advise against it. But when marriage-and-family-minded people speak out against shacking up, they should not give the impression that 1) shacking up is mainly wrong because it keeps men from being punished the way they should be; or that 2) men are of lesser value than women. If men are expected to provide compensation for sex (or even just time), then they become customers or bosses, not partners, and if that is the case, then the woman is morally obligated to give him whatever he wants (within certain limits) and he's not under the same moral obligation towards her. Is that how relationships should be?

Losing Control

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Group Projects in School

In this Dear Abby edition, a girl is concerned about a group project she has in school. I have some bad memories of group projects from junior high and grade school. I didn't want my grade to depend on someone else's effort or competency. I liked contributing ideas, but I wasn't going to be very assertive about it – and thus I'd get overruled by stronger personalities, since at that age it was more about personalities rather than the ideas (and I'm well aware that some workplaces are like that). I didn't mind being part of a relay team in competitive swimming - everyone tried their hardest and it was really clear what each person contributed.

In contract to earlier schooling, I have fond memories of group projects in college.

What made the difference?

Choice.

My guess is that group projects in middle school and grade school are a matter of laziness – the teacher will have fewer projects to evaluate. The justification for them that is given is that people have to work together in the workforce, so this is good training.

But there's a huge difference from those classrooms and the workplace. Most kids do not choose their classmates, do not choose their teacher, do not choose their school, and often don't choose the subject matter. In contrast, we apply to work the jobs we do. Part of what we consider is what kind of work it is and the people with whom we'll be working. If it doesn't work out, it is possible to quit. Plus, we get paid to work. We pay for public schooling whether or not we use it.

College is voluntary, as are a lot of the classes taken in college. I liked the group projects with which I was involved in college, because it was a subject matter I chose, and all of the other people also chose that subject matter. And we were mature. It was hard work, but it was pleasant.

How about you? Do you have horror stories of group projects, either in the workplace or in school?

Fourteen Years and Counting

TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MISSOURI wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife, "Alana," and I have been married for 14 years.

Good for you!

In many ways our marriage is good, but our sex life is horrible.

For a husband to say this is like saying you're happy with your doctor except that her ability to diagnose and her advice are terrible. Sure, you might like how the office is run and your doctor's personality, but you're missing the best ingredient. It's like a wife saying her marriage is good, but her husband is horrible at communicating and doesn't earn money – and she's home with the kids.

In my opinion, it has never been good.

The longer you go like this, the harder it will be to improve things.

As time passes, I feel more and more anger toward her.

Well, yeah. But you do have some responsibility here – I mean, have you let her know? A lot of guys have no idea how to do that without making her feel awful and having her respond with holding back even more. Even "not good" sex is preferable to husbands than no sex, so we're reluctant to risk losing what little sex we're already getting.

Alana is attractive and physically fit; I don't understand her lack of desire.

Ah-HA! As visual as we are, most guys would choose a plain looking or modestly chubby wife who wants his body over a "10" who is made of ice. I know you said the sex has never been good, but has it always been about a lack of desire? How were things before you married? No indication of desire on her part, or did she pull a bait and switch? Even if you didn't have sex before you married, there should have been some indication of her libido.

When the subject of sex comes up, it makes us both clam up.

Well, that's not going to get anyone anywhere.

I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split.

If they are minors (probably, given the length of the marriage), definitely stick together for now. Even if they aren't minors, it could be possible to make things a lot better and stay together.

I have not -- and would never consider -- an affair.

Good.

In general, men take a huge risk when they marry. There is no legal obligation for a wife to become or stay a good sexual partner, but there is an obligation for the husband to keep financially supporting her. Yes, I know a lot of women want good sex lives too, but sex is more important to men. If they save sex for marriage, it can be like – and I know these analogies break down because people are not things, but work with me here - but it is like buying a car without being able to see the whole thing, never mind looking under the hood or taking a test drive. Or buying a house that you're not allowed to enter or see inside until after the purchase, and then you have to live in it. Yes, we can tell if a woman is loving, attentive to our needs, etc. – but people get weird about sex and there's no guarantee her good qualities will carry through to lovemaking. Even if people are engaging in sex outside of marriage, things could change after the wedding, for any number of reasons.

I don't endorse sin. But there is a part of me that is, for lack of a better word, glad I had some of the experiences I had in my bachelor days, because at least I'm not curious about them, which matter to me because my wife is unwilling or unable to engage in similar things, and that may never change. I'm not talking about anything extreme or bizarre, either - fairly mainstream stuff. On the other hand, maybe if I was still curious I would have to have some more conversations with my wife about things that would make me feel vulnerable, possibly increasing our intimacy. Or maybe it would increase my frustration and hurt her feelings, depending on how things went. There's always a tradeoff with things like this, including spiritual, so although on one level I enjoyed those other experiences, they may still have negative consequences for me today and in the future.

Dear Abby responded:

Good sex is all about open communication.

No, open communication is often a very big part of good sex, but good sex is not all about open communication, at least not for men. We could have amazing sex with a woman we've never before, without even saying a word. Good sex itself can be the best form of communication for men.

Before you and Alana can get on the same wavelength, you need to understand how each of you defines a good sex life.

Good point.

Before deciding to call it quits, ask your doctor for a referral to a sex therapist.

You may also try asking clergy for a referral – a lot of clergy talk to a lot of people with such problems. But definitely see a doctor to have her hormones and other physical factors checked out.

It can be tempting to ditch her, especially when the kids are grown, but there's no guarantee you'll find a better partner. You said you otherwise think things are good, so here's hoping you two work through this major issue, further growing and playing together, enjoying one of God's greatest gifts to us.

Other Planning For Retirement

Before the economy took the huge fall in the last couple of years, the issue of planning for retirement moving far beyond financial. Observers were noting that people who had been used to working all of their lives were having a hard time adjusting to retirement, and their spouses were, too. This is something that is especially true of bosses who were used to everyone following their orders, and automatically bringing them their reading material, coffee, and scheduling their days, etc. These guys wake up, sit down at the breakfast table, and everything is different. And their spouse has to deal with them - and that is a hug adjustment.

Consider what "Mike" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am furious. My wife and I have just had a huge fight - our third in the past six months. The reason? Nine months ago, I retired at age 60, and my wife seems to be angry with me simply for existing. For almost 30 years, we’ve had a great marriage. We worked hard, were prudent when we needed to be and raised two great kids. I did well in my career, and we are financially secure. We both looked forward to my retirement. However, now that I’m actually retired, my wife only seems to want to get me out of my own house!

Okay, so perhaps he needs some outside interests. But he does have some.

Our first fight occurred when she exploded, saying I’m always under foot and need some outside interests. Well, I play golf with buddies twice a week, have a standing lunch with colleagues once a week and go to my health club almost daily. I am out of the house more than she is! Traveling helps, but it’s the same song once we return home.

So it isn't like he's home all of the time, though he certainly is home a lot more than he used to be. He’s deeply hurt by his wife's reaction.

I always had a low opinion of these guys who divorce their wives late in life and take up with some "trophy wife," but now I’m empathetic. I am heartbroken and angry at the same time. I am this close to telling her to get out of my house and looking for someone with whom I can actually enjoy my retirement. Mostly, I can’t believe this is happening, and I feel my love for her dying a little bit every day.

He needs a man cave, like I have (although I almost never spend time in there). Can part of the house be turned into a den? How about the garage? From the letter, it sounds like a big house so there has to be part of the house he can transform into his corner where he can go and be out of her hair.

Dear Margo responded:

I think counseling is in order, and the adjustment needs to be your wife's. You might point out that some retired guys get a red sports car and are "out" quite a bit.

Woah! She did side with the guy big time on that one.

My wife says she never wants me to be away, but then she's never had to put up with me being around all day, day in and day out. I know that although I very much like my time alone, I've never felt annoyed at her presence - but again, I'm not with her all day every day for months on end.

Surveying Teens on Raincoat Usage

Today’s teens are largely clueless about the reality of illegitimacy, Jeannine Stein of the Los Angeles Times reports. Oh, and she also reported on their contraception usage.

The results, released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics, found that 17% of 15- to 19-year-olds used periodic abstinence, or the calendar rhythm method, as a form of contraception in the period from 2006 to 2008. In 2002, 11% of teens used that method.

"That was pretty much a surprise," said Joyce Abma, lead author of the study and a demographer with the center. "The rhythm method is associated with a pretty high failure rate — on average, 25% of women will become pregnant during the first year of using that method. It's not a welcome development, especially in combination with the fact that overall, contraceptive use hasn't changed significantly from the last survey."

Yeah, will, the pill doesn't work when it isn't taken, either.

How closely do they stick to it? And do the girls have enough of history to know their cycles well enough?

The poll of 2,767 teens, which was part of the National Survey of Family Growth, also found that more teens than in years past said they agreed or strongly agreed with the statement: "It is OK for an unmarried female to have a child." Among male teens in the current survey, 64% agreed or strongly agreed, while in 2002 50% did. Among female teens that number was 71%, not significantly different from 2002.

Sad. Most people, when presented with the cold hard facts, can see the problems associated with children being born out of wedlock. Are these teens being given those facts? Most aren't. Instead, they are being fed a steady diet of moral relativism and accommodation, and how many of them have been raised out of wedlock themselves?

Unfortunately, the babies can't be more or less written out of the picture, like on "Murphy Brown".

In other significant differences from previous surveys, among male teens who had not yet had sex, 12% said the reason was that they didn't want to get a girl pregnant. In 2002, 25% of male teens who had not yet had sex cited that reason. However, condom use among male teens is up — 81% of never-married males in the current survey said they used them at first intercourse, compared with 71% in 2002.

Here's the most effective method of preventing pregnancy: not having intercourse.

The Guys Who Are Beaten Dogs

On his defunct eponymous radio talk show, Tom Leykis talked about the beaten dogs. These are guys who have given up on their dreams, given up on having their own lives, lost their masculinity, and basically handed over their testicles to a woman who abuses them (the testicles, not always the guy). They are married to, shacking up with, or otherwise totally wrapped around the finger of a woman – a woman who doesn't respect them or treat them well. He said you could see these men on Saturday mornings in places like Ikea, shuffling around as their woman looks at furniture. Leykis told guys to avoid becoming beaten dogs by avoiding commitments to women, maintaining what amounts to an ever-changing harem they only saw for sex, and doing whatever they wanted to do. Dr. Laura also talks about beaten dogs, but doesn't use that phrase. She tells men to be "real men" – in her parlance, that appears to be strong, assertive, confident, protective, and willing to contradict a woman to tell her "no" – and to commit to a woman who was chosen wisely. Like many other things, these talk shows with wildly different attitudes about life have certain intersections in their observations and advice, and recognizing the beaten dog phenomenon is one of those intersections.

A woman recently wrote to Dr. Laura about beaten dogs:

Today, upon my arrival back to work, a co-worker noticed your book ["The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"] on my desk and began to open up about his wife and relayed basically all the same stories and commentary included in your writing. Another co-worker overheard and then came in to add his own endless stories of just the same. Because I'm very respectful of these men and their marriages and in no way want to add to the negativity of such things, I kept myself out of that conversation... but it was really was an enlightening experience to hear such exhaustion and distress from these men who are seemingly in wonderful relationships and each have 3 children. They each said the same thing "It's easier to give in than to fight."

It was also amazing to see for the first time how quickly they opened up about such things, as though they've never vented a day in their lives nor had the opportunity to take a breath of fresh air. Mostly I've witnessed these complaints first hand with my parents. I'm an adult who no longer lives at home, but when I do visit every now and then it breaks my heart to watch my dad be treated as though his day and feelings don't matter. My mother works part time and desperately wants to retire purely out of boredom from her job. She takes vacations either by herself or with friends, but then berates my dad for spending money on anything that doesn't have to do with her (i.e. purchasing a new CD, etc.). My dad is a retired officer of 30 years and now has another full time job. He takes the bus an hour to work and an hour home all to save money from having to park downtown, and yet after such a long day is met with "I need you to go to the store for bread, now" before he even has a chance to set down his briefcase. Immediately he drops his head, shakes it in surrender, then walks right back out the door to go get bread.

I remember mumbling something in front of my "on-again, off-again fiancee" ex-girlfriend about how I was henpecked. She protested until I took it back. Guess she proved me wrong, right? I learned so much through that relationship. I learned I didn't want to be a beaten dog, even though I didn't know that application of the phrase back then.

Why do some men end up as beaten dogs? For some, it is simply a matter of wanting to avoid a fight, wanting to avoid being yelled at, or further punished with things like even less frequent sex. Some are the kind of people that need to always be following the directions of others.

Some no doubt fear that if they stand up for themselves, rather than their wife appreciating strength in her husband, she'll file for divorce, take half of everything he's ever earned or will ever earn, and he'll have a scattered family and have to find a new place to live. Unless they don't care if all those bad things happen, under the laws of many states in the USA, a man loses all power once he marries. Getting married is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, male or female. But for men, the stakes are generally higher.

Men who do not want to end up as beaten dogs, but want to marry, need to find a woman who doesn't want a beaten dog, but rather wants a man who won't be afraid to lovingly tell her when she is wrong (if telling her is the right thing to do) and what he wants. And then he needs to follow through and take some responsibility.

One last thing – don't complain to coworkers about your wife. You picked her. If you need to vent, write it out in secret, anonymously. If on paper, burn it. If you need to talk with someone, go to clergy or a therapist.

Where Art Thou

For most of my life, whenever I heard about theft of famous art pieces, I wondered why someone would steal a famous painting. A car can be chopped down for parts. Private jewelry can be fenced. But what do you do with a famous painting? Keep it in a closet, afraid that someone will see it and turn you in? After all, the people who would appreciate the value of the painting the most would also know it is stolen.

But then someone explained it to me. It’s a kidnap for ransom. And I suppose there are also people in the world who are unlikely to have someone visiting their estate who would feel comfortable going to authorities or testifying.

Associated Press writer Jonathan Lopez reports on a new book:

"Priceless: How I Went Undercover to Rescue the World's Stolen Treasures" (Crown, 336 pages, $25), by Robert K. Wittman with John Shiffman

Wittman used to be in the FBI. "with John Shiffman" tells us that Shiffman is really the guy who did the writing to the book, based on Shiffman's notes and input.

Adopting the false but carefully documented identity of Bob Clay, a shady art dealer with a taste for contraband, Wittman successfully infiltrated domestic and international criminal networks to recover more than $225 million worth of stolen cultural property — items ranging from a Rembrandt self-portrait to an original copy of the U.S. Bill of Rights.

Sounds interesting. I smell a movie. How about one of those Tim Burton-directed, Johnny Depp-starring, Danny Elfman-scored deals? Nah... Burton does best with original material.

Workin' 9 to 12?

TAKES MY JOB SERIOUSLY wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm the supervisor of a small office. One of my biggest challenges is scheduling time off for the female employees. In my day, you didn't take a day off unless you were very sick or your child was sick. Now they seem to want time off for everything from school events, sporting events, getting their nails done, their faces waxed or tanning appointments. I am amazed at the decline in work ethic.

Some could argue that there has also been a decline in loyalty to employees. Which came first?

As I read about the unemployment in our country, I would think people would be grateful to have a well-paying job with benefits -- but the recession hasn't slowed any of our female employees down one bit. What has happened to the old-fashioned work ethic that founded this country?

The writer is female, by the way.

As far as school events – family should come before a job. However, it used to be that the parent "staying home" could attend those events, and the parent with the outside job could take time off for the really special events. As mothers have joined the professional workforce in greater numbers, they have expected the workplace culture to conform to them, rather than them conforming to the workplace culture. Plus, how many mothers have children, but not a husband? So they're the only parent that can attend these events.

But these life situations (being a mother in the workforce, not having a husband) are almost always entirely by the adult's choices, whether those choices were mostly made a long time ago or recently.

Keep this letter in mind the next time you read about a "wage gap" between men and women - especially about taking time off to tan.

Dear Abby responds:

If they choose to use the time the way you have described, it is their right to do so.

It sure is, if it is time they were assigned under company policy.

However, if they are taking more than the company offers, that could be a problem. While I understand your point, please try to be less judgmental.

She's running a business office, not a charity or social club. It's all well and good to take time off if you have it coming under company policy, but what about people who use up all of their time for playing around, then beg for leniency when they really do get sick?

Appreciation

A few times lately, my wife has told me that she loves our house and loves her life and things are darn close to perfect as far as she is concerned. She says she has everything she wants, except for one new appliance.

(Note to self – get that appliance.)

I haven't responded in kind, because the truth is that although I do think things are pretty darn good, I can imagine a lot better. Thankfully, she doesn’t seem to notice that I don’t repeat her sentiments, because I don’t want to rain on her parade. Instead, she is happy with me responding to her statements with "That's great!" and "I love you. I'm so glad you're my wife."

I'm thankful she tells me how happy she is, and that she thanks me for what I do. Appreciation can be very important.

As far as what I think needs improvement – well, there's no point in complaining about things we can't do anything about. If there's something I can do on my own and won't go against something she wants, there's no need to burden her with that, either. I should only bring up stuff to her that she (or we) can and should do something about. But, like I said – I don't want to rain on her parade, so timing is important. I just have to avoid what my own father did – he sat on his concerns until things were too far gone.