The Guys Who Are Beaten Dogs

On his defunct eponymous radio talk show, Tom Leykis talked about the beaten dogs. These are guys who have given up on their dreams, given up on having their own lives, lost their masculinity, and basically handed over their testicles to a woman who abuses them (the testicles, not always the guy). They are married to, shacking up with, or otherwise totally wrapped around the finger of a woman – a woman who doesn't respect them or treat them well. He said you could see these men on Saturday mornings in places like Ikea, shuffling around as their woman looks at furniture. Leykis told guys to avoid becoming beaten dogs by avoiding commitments to women, maintaining what amounts to an ever-changing harem they only saw for sex, and doing whatever they wanted to do. Dr. Laura also talks about beaten dogs, but doesn't use that phrase. She tells men to be "real men" – in her parlance, that appears to be strong, assertive, confident, protective, and willing to contradict a woman to tell her "no" – and to commit to a woman who was chosen wisely. Like many other things, these talk shows with wildly different attitudes about life have certain intersections in their observations and advice, and recognizing the beaten dog phenomenon is one of those intersections.

A woman recently wrote to Dr. Laura about beaten dogs:

Today, upon my arrival back to work, a co-worker noticed your book ["The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"] on my desk and began to open up about his wife and relayed basically all the same stories and commentary included in your writing. Another co-worker overheard and then came in to add his own endless stories of just the same. Because I'm very respectful of these men and their marriages and in no way want to add to the negativity of such things, I kept myself out of that conversation... but it was really was an enlightening experience to hear such exhaustion and distress from these men who are seemingly in wonderful relationships and each have 3 children. They each said the same thing "It's easier to give in than to fight."

It was also amazing to see for the first time how quickly they opened up about such things, as though they've never vented a day in their lives nor had the opportunity to take a breath of fresh air. Mostly I've witnessed these complaints first hand with my parents. I'm an adult who no longer lives at home, but when I do visit every now and then it breaks my heart to watch my dad be treated as though his day and feelings don't matter. My mother works part time and desperately wants to retire purely out of boredom from her job. She takes vacations either by herself or with friends, but then berates my dad for spending money on anything that doesn't have to do with her (i.e. purchasing a new CD, etc.). My dad is a retired officer of 30 years and now has another full time job. He takes the bus an hour to work and an hour home all to save money from having to park downtown, and yet after such a long day is met with "I need you to go to the store for bread, now" before he even has a chance to set down his briefcase. Immediately he drops his head, shakes it in surrender, then walks right back out the door to go get bread.

I remember mumbling something in front of my "on-again, off-again fiancee" ex-girlfriend about how I was henpecked. She protested until I took it back. Guess she proved me wrong, right? I learned so much through that relationship. I learned I didn't want to be a beaten dog, even though I didn't know that application of the phrase back then.

Why do some men end up as beaten dogs? For some, it is simply a matter of wanting to avoid a fight, wanting to avoid being yelled at, or further punished with things like even less frequent sex. Some are the kind of people that need to always be following the directions of others.

Some no doubt fear that if they stand up for themselves, rather than their wife appreciating strength in her husband, she'll file for divorce, take half of everything he's ever earned or will ever earn, and he'll have a scattered family and have to find a new place to live. Unless they don't care if all those bad things happen, under the laws of many states in the USA, a man loses all power once he marries. Getting married is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, male or female. But for men, the stakes are generally higher.

Men who do not want to end up as beaten dogs, but want to marry, need to find a woman who doesn't want a beaten dog, but rather wants a man who won't be afraid to lovingly tell her when she is wrong (if telling her is the right thing to do) and what he wants. And then he needs to follow through and take some responsibility.

One last thing – don't complain to coworkers about your wife. You picked her. If you need to vent, write it out in secret, anonymously. If on paper, burn it. If you need to talk with someone, go to clergy or a therapist.