Preparing For Marriage

Recently, I saw a tweet about preparing for marriage.

That got me to think... How could a man prepare for marriage?

If you're a man who thinks you want to get married, either to someone in particular or "someday", take these steps to prepare:

1) Throw out everything you own. Give some woman who isn't a professional decorator or stylist total control over buying everything to replace what you had, using your money. This includes just about everything from clothes to furniture to your vehicle.


2) Beyond that, literally throw away enough additional money that most of your earnings are lost. 


3) When you're horny, take a cold shower or hide in the bathroom to masturbate. Pretend like someone is standing outside the door and you don't want them to hear you.

4) Aside from NOT having sex, if there is something else you want to do, do something else instead. 

Examples: 

If you want to watch a movie or show or game, don't watch that one. Watch something you don't want to watch. 

Want to play a game? Go lift some furniture instead. 

Want to eat something? Eat something you don't want to instead, after arguing about it or having a pointless conversation before.

If one of your friends invites you to do something, tell him you can't.

Get into pointless discussions and arguments (Twitter can stand in for a wife). 


5) Every once in a while, you CAN do something or go somewhere you want to, but you have to call someone else to get permission first, then you have to be late, and then stop or leave early.


6) Alienate your family and friends.

7) Bang your head against the wall.

8) Apologize for doing things that you didn't do. Apologize for NOT doing things you didn't know you were expected to do. Apologize for being wrong even though you weren't. (Make these things up.) 

9) If you catch yourself talking with a woman or even smiling or glancing at her, bang your head against the wall some more. Don't masturbate for a couple of weeks. 

10) If you land an offer for a better job or promotion that would require a move, turn it down. 

11) Tell a friend you need to have them pick some random time to text you "Now." When they do, you have to leave your residence or, if you're not there, you can't return to your residence. You have to stay away from your place for a week. 


12) Some actress/model (even a classmate) you thought was hot in the past has probably hit the wall big time, getting fat and butching up. Find pictures of what a wreck she looks like now. Try to get an erection just by looking at those pictures. If you can't, bang your head against the wall some more. Repeat this exercise over and over with the same pictures.


13) For Christmas, Valentine's Day, and at least two other days in the year (pick them at random if you have to), buy some expensive items that will be of no use. Spend hours shopping for these things.


If you find living this way ideal, you're prepared for marriage. 

As you can probably tell, I think most men shouldn't marry. But if you find the life described above ideal, then you're at least prepared for marriage. 

If you're delusional, ignorant, or masochistic enough to get married anyway, there are some other things you can do to prepare, but this is by no means an exhaustive list.

1) Even if you don't yet know who you want to marry, consult with a family law attorney, an accountant, and a financial advisor about how to protect your assets. This might involve getting a prenup (before a wedding date is set!), having your home and other property in a revocable trust, having her sign a quitclaim deed, keeping separate accounts, etc. Just keep in mind that getting married (or even just living together) invites the state further into your life, and a judge can basically ignore all of the documents.

2) If you're sure you don't want to have children, get a vasectomy and have it tested at least twice, then periodically after that. A woman can say she doesn't want kids, she can say she's on contraception, she can swear up and down that she can't get pregnant, but guess what? There have been a lot of kids born to such women. 

3) Resolve not to abandon your good, close friends and family members (assuming they are not destructive). Insist that guy time will be a part of your life whether or not she takes time with the girls.

4) Resolve not to abandon alone time, if you need it.

5) If you do have children, realize that their needs will come before what you want. They'll need a stable, intact home even if you're not happy with your wife. As long as she isn't literally abusive to them, it will be better for them that you stay together (and be polite to each other) until the kids are raised. Otherwise, they will have to go back and forth between homes and they will be in her care without you there to protect them, and she will be able to expose the kids to a string of her new lovers. So if she is abusive to them, document that and you might be able to protect them in a court, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

6) Remember you are both flawed. Demanding perfection from her is ridiculous. Marriage is going to involve a lot of forgiving, a lot of "letting it go" or "letting it slide." But try not to allow things you don't like to build until you explode. If something is a problem, calmly tell her that it can't become a habit or a repeating thing.

7) While keeping the above in mind, she is supposed to be your priority, before you parents, siblings, friends, and even yourself (depending). Think about how you can make her life better. It can be as simple as offering her a nice, warm bath when she gets home while you take care of everything else.

8) All of the above considered, remember marriage shouldn't be a suicide pact. 

How Men Can Protect Themselves