He's Doing It Right

Many of the people commenting on this letter to Dear Abby from ALMOST DONE IN NEW YORK think the letter writer is seeing a married man, but it reads to me like he's a pretty good Leykis 101 student or a Free Man.

I have been on and off with a man for two years.

He's been getting sex when he wants it with her for two years. But the relationship isn't "going" anywhere.

In all this time, he has never spent a holiday or Valentine's Day with me, or introduced me to his family or friends.

Perfect! He's not wasting money and effort, nor giving her real insight into his life, nor giving her the impression that he's going to marry her.

He told me to stay in the bathroom at his office when his friends showed up unexpectedly. When I objected, he said, "It's only for 20 minutes." I was horrified.

If that really was his office, it's the one mistake I've detected in this letter. But either way, keeping her from his associated and deflating her are Leykis 101 moves.

He accuses me of picking fights and says I will never be happy with anyone when I try to talk with him about it.

Yup. Keeping her from being complacent or for thinking she can do better than him.

He breaks up with me at holiday time, never calls when he's on vacation and our dates are always last minute.

He's doing it right! He's not paying for her vacations. He shows that he can live just fine without her. Keeping the dates last minute allows him to maintain control.

I realize he is using me for sex, but he insists I am wrong and he is a decent man.

He's slick! She KNOWS this is just for sex, but she's kept seeing him anyway.

Two birthdays passed, and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday, yet he buys presents and cards for every occasion for his friends and family.

He is doing this ON PURPOSE. It is calculated. Why? Because IT WORKS.

He blocks my number if I don't "behave properly."

Good!

He calls me "Miss" in public, but calls waitresses "Sweetie" the few times we have gone out.

It's great he's kept the outings to a minimum, and hopefully mostly just for drinks. That means mostly it's just booty calls at her place.

He tells me no one will stay with me once they know the type of woman I am. I'm not always at fault like he wants me to believe.

Of course she isn't, but this is playing her like a fiddle.

He buys me nothing to drink or eat when we are together. I pay my own way.

GOOD FOR HIM!

How can I make him see what he does is wrong?

She wants to keep this going!!! Instead of simply NOT seeing him anymore, she wants to try to change him.

See how this works, guys? He's getting all the sex from her that he wants. He doesn't have to pay for anything, or spend more time and energy on her other than what is necessary to get sex. And she still wants to be with him. This has been going on for two years. He's probably seeing other women, too. But even if he isn't, he's keep things the way he wants them. He doesn't have to fork over half of his income. He doesn't have to go down a list of "honey dos." He doesn't have to put up with her family, her friends, her co-workers. No therapy, counseling, retreats, seminars. If she starts nagging him or complaining about him, he can simply leave, without losing anything. He doesn't have to apologize, or bring her flowers, or do anything. No compromising, no sacrificing.

From Dear Abby's response:

End this sorry excuse for a relationship now, because it is degrading, a waste of your time, and it's very likely that he is married and cheating on his wife.

Like I said he might not be married at all. I sure hope he isn't.

But how is it a waste of her time, if she wants and enjoys the sex with him? She wants the attention. He gives it to her. Nowhere does it say he demanded she not see anyone else. Haven't we been told that women are liberated and enjoy casual sex just as much as men? Hmmm...