When Dr. Laura Tells Moms to Announce Their Switch to SAHM

Children being raised with attention, affection, a sense of security, and morality is one of Dr. Laura's top goals, which is why she condemns the use of day care and insists parents should raise their own children right up until Kindergarten, which is entered into at age 5 or 6 (boys should especially be started later, according to her). She's also big on homeschooling, but any form of daycare (including "preschool") from ages 0-4 is a no-no.

While she doesn't rule out "stay at home fathers", she says mothers are preferable from ages 0-3, and she notes that the "psychobiology" is that women prefer a man be a provider and they tend to lose respect for their husband if they earn more than him or he's home with the kids earning no income at all. Men also tend to like to provide.

So, she gets calls from employed women who are pregnant or have just given birth (again) or even have infants or toddlers who want to switch to being SAHMs, but have husbands who are opposed to that change or are at least reluctant to agree.

This is when Dr. Laura, who usually says big decisions, even getting a dog, have to have mutual agreement and if either spouse is a "no" then the change doesn't happen, leaves that principle aside. It is overruled by the importance of a mother's love. She tells the women to quit their jobs, come up with a one-income budget, to announce to their husband they will be staying home, and tell him that it will mean home-cooked meals, lots of great sex, and a more pleasant home.

That's all good, but only if the caller follows through. And only if the husband accepts the announcement. Will it be better if the family splits up than if they stay together with both parents working outside the home? Dr. Laura says men who aren't eager to be sole support for a wife and kids aren't real men, but would her opinion stop one man who is thinking along these lines from engaging in what he sees as self defense?


One of the big concerns a husband might have isn't addressed with any of what Dr. Laura tells these women to say and do. How many women out there, even women who were eager to get married and wanted to have kids and said they wanted to stay home with the kids... then turned around and kicked their husbands out, sometimes after those women started affairs, because she was feeling trapped, stifled, isolated, lost, etc.? If a wife goes without earning income and becomes the clear primary caregiver, and then divorces, the husband is going to get destroyed in divorce court. Not only will he lose custody of the kids for the most part, but he's going to lose over half of everything, he'll have to pay for two legal teams, alimony, and child support. If the wife had kept working outside the home, there would be a good case for less alimony and more balanced child custody, and thus less child support. A husband might figure it is better to divorce now, when it is obvious she can earn her own income, rather than struggling to support the whole family on his income for years only to have her kick him out and destroy him in court.

This is why, in addition to coming up with a budget and making promises about lots of sex and food and all of that, Dr. Laura should tell these women to propose a post-nuptial agreement.

A post-nuptial agreement (along with life insurance on her husband) can help ease a SAHM-wife's concerns about being dependent and out of the workforce. It also might somewhat mitigate the husband's concerns about how family laws and courts treat husbands and fathers, especially those who are sole income earners, and especially when it had been agreed-to before the children came long and even before the marriage that the wife was going to keep working outside the home. Men have been told women want to work. They see women at work every day, and most of those women have children. When a woman seems to change her mind on that, her husband might not think her change of mind is permanent or thought through. Getting a post-nup would reinforce that it is a serious change.

I can't think of any reason Dr. Laura would oppose such agreements, especially if they make husbands more agreeable to the change, unless she truly believes women are entitled to more of the earnings of men.

There are other considerations with a working woman quitting her paid job, such as:

1) Less income. This will be partially offset by lower expenses and taxes, but Dr. Laura has made it clear she'd rather you live in a smaller apartment in a less desirable location and have mom "stay home" than to keep your lifestyle.

2) The wife feeling like she is somehow turning her back on feminism, women's rights, women's liberation, progress, her own aspirations, etc. Dr. Laura has tried to offset that with In Praise of Stay At Home Moms.

3) The wife losing her social circle and expecting her husband to entertain her more as her adult contact. She could very well lose her current social circle, especially if it has been tied to her paid job. She can, however, make new contacts, especially with other SAHMs.

4) Husband and wife will have less in common, having lost the common thing of dealing every day with maintaining paid jobs.

These concerns are don't outweigh the needs of children, but they should not be ignored. You can't really argue with the position that a child is better off with the presence, attention, guidance, and affection of a loving mother being superior to daycare. If you really think hired strangers would be better at caring for your typical infant or toddler than you, you're saying you're a really crappy mother.

Some guys will be thrilled when their wife announces she's going to be a SAHM. Such men should have held out for a woman who made it clear from the start of their relationship her plan was to do so, but then again guys who get married at all these days are usually not thinking things through and might be desperate.

Dr. Laura should encourage post-nups when she tells women to unilaterally switch from a paid job to being a SAHM. But post-nups can be thrown out in court, as can pre-nups (which she should also encourage).

So once again, we see the mostly likely way to win at this game is not to play.