Thursday, March 14, 2019

A Running List of Reasons Given By My Wife

This will be a running list, in no particular order, of reasons or excuses my wife (and maybe yours!) gives to NOT make love or have sex. As I've written in other entries, we're down to about once every three weeks, and usually it's a mercy session.

Some of these reasons might be legitimate some of the time; I'll grant that. But cumulatively, it is rather sad, given that this is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable "gift from the Lord" that is supposed to be a major benefit to marriage that, in turns, strengthens marriage and is good for our health and all of the other stuff.

Now, I know how the world works. The average man wants sex more than the average woman, and the same holds true for our little microcosm: I want sex more than my wife. Traditionally, on a societal level, this has either been handled through official polygny or through mistresses, concubines, or prostitution. Or, even if monogamous, there has been an agreement, whether tacit or explicit, that marriage is an exchange. The wife has agreed to sex as often as the husband wants it (in addition to cooking and making sure the household chores are done) because he's protecting her, providing for her, and keeping the children in line (even with just the threat of what'll happen when Dad comes home). This agreement seems to have been abandoned for the most part, which is one reason why most men shouldn't bother to marry. I'm fulfilling my end of the bargain, however.

I'm sure there are some snarky types out there who will read these and tell me that if I was a more considerate and all-around better lover, I wouldn't hear these excuses so often. See, that's what I'd believe, too, if I didn't have the experiences of my wayward youth. I know it isn't me. And I have solicited her thoughts and feelings during neutral times (away from lovemaking situations) about what I can do to make things easier and more enjoyable for her. The bottom line is that, whether because of her medications or some other reason, she doesn't like sex much. She pretended to be craving sexual affection before we married, and still somewhat until we had our children, because she wanted the guarantee of my financial support. Once she had it, she no longer had to pretend. She will not say it that way, but that's the harsh truth. (And it is the harsh truth for a lot of men. I suspect the real reason prostitutes are put down is because they deliver when they're paid and paid women who don't deliver hate that.)

Same goes for "You should be romancing her. I bet you're not taking her out on dates like you did before you married!" Hey, I've tried. She shoots down dates, she doesn't want flowers, and she doesn't want me drawing a nice bath for her.

Feel free to add your own reasons or excuses in the comments, even if you're a woman whose husband is rejecting her.

Since this is a running list it will be updated and bumped up from time to time, and I'll elaborate on some excuses.


"It's too hot."

"It's too cold." We have central air and our heating bill isn't high. Plus she'll wait to come to bed until the coldest hours possible.

"I'm on the rag." In my wayward youth, one of my long-term girlfriends would not let this stop us, and I was willing to go for it. Another long-term girlfriend almost never menstruated. I was concerned for her health, but she said she was medically fine. With my wife, however, it's every 3-4 weeks, and yeah, she gets bitchy beforehand and that eliminates the possibility, and then she announces to me what I already knew, that she's on the rag, and I don't tell her I already knew because that's just going to tick her off more. But this is good for a full week or more of "get out of having sex."

"I have a headache." Ah, that time-honored excuse men hear so often (at least married men... maybe wedding cake causes it?) Never mind that sex is a good cure for headaches.

"My stomach is acting up." Her stomach bothers her a lot. Usually this means she has the runs (sorry, but that's reality). I can believe it, too, because she eats junk and has a seemingly countless array of meds she takes. I'm surprised her stomach can function.

"I need my sleep." She's a SAHM who almost never prepares meals, and rarely cleans. When the kids are at school she can nap. She's doing laundry some of the time, now that her sibling and in-law are no longer living with us (on my dime).

"You need your sleep." The fact is, I'm not going to get enough sleep anyway. My days are too long.

"It will be more convenient to do it tomorrow." This is one of the worst, because 9 times out of 10 it won't happen tomorrow, usually because one of the other excuses listed will come into play. So, I'll be horny, but I will hold of on going for a release because she said we'd be doing it tomorrow. I'm like Charlie Brown, thinking Lucy is actually going to hold the football in place until I kick it.

"I haven't bathed." Well why the heck not? And clearly, it doesn't stop her some of the times we do have that mercy session. I keep trying to do my thing, though, even when it is clear she didn't bother to wash up. She bathes maybe once per week. But since she keeps aerobic activity to the barest minimum that's not as bad as it would be for the average woman, but it's still bad. UPDATE: "I haven't bathed because the dogs wouldn't let me."

"I need more nonsexual touch." I get that this a common complaint of women, who say that their man only touches them when he wants sex. Well, some guys want sex all of the time, so it is true! But to us, this is like saying, "No, I don't want that scrumptious, gourmet main course. We haven't had enough bread and butter." But when I try to give her more nonsexual touch, there are barriers. After a day of work, I'm running around being a butler, throwing together, serving, and cleaning up dinner, helping kids with homework, stuff like that. By the time I've put the kids to bed and handled whatever chores need to be done, it's late and I'm tired, and I look for a place to sit my butt down next to my wife, but it's a major operation just to clear the space on the couch because she's been planted there for hours and has whatever she's touched piled up around her. To me this is almost like saying out loud "I don't want you to sit with me." If she really wants more nonsexual touch, she doesn't make it easy for me to give it to her. As far as my days off, she often sleeps much of the time I'm home and awake, and no, she doesn't want me disturbing her.

"I'm not in the mood." This is a bit of a catch-all. It could be because of a plot twist she didn't like on a TV show, or something in the news, or something someone she only knows through social media did, or something her sister or mother did, or something one of the kids did, or something I did or didn't do or the way I did it. Funny, though, before we married she was always in the mood for making out (we didn't ever have intercourse before marrying).

"My favorite sports team lost."

"I have a UTI."
Probably because she sits around a lot.

"Tomorrow is Monday." What she means is that she'll have to get up and take care of the kids without me. That's why she can't so much as fool around on a Sunday night. Note that when you eliminate Sundays and days she's on her period and a few days before, how many days per month get taken out of consideration.

"I already put on lip balm." I have no idea what the reasoning is supposed to be behind this. I guess the lip balm is medicated and she doesn't want to have to put it on again? Heck, we can do something that doesn't involve her mouth at all. But, you know, that doesn't matter because she really doesn't want to do it.

"I'm upset with you [because you want to give on of our child's psychotropic meds more time on the lower dose]!" One of our children has been heavily medicated. The psychiatrist is tapering down the meds. Another step down was taken. Our wife's interactions with our child have been more difficult, but our child's behavior with my family is still good. My family stuck to the med label. My wife simply wanted to go back to the larger dose and then inform the psychiatrist so we could get the refill sooner. It seems like nothing is more important to my wife than having this child of ours drugged as much as possible. My lack if unquestioning enthusiasm for this is a huge turn off to her.


  1. I suspect that if a man's wife doesn't want to have sex with him, the real reason is usually that she doesn't find him attractive. At least, I believe that's true in my case. I also suspect many women find monogamy as unexciting as many men do.

  2. Anonymous5:50 AM

    My wife is either very tired, has a major headache, her stomach is acting up, or it's that time of month (although at 51 that may be ending). I don't even bother initiating - if she wants sex she knows where to find me as I don't want to bother a woman on her deathbed.

  3. Anonymous9:11 PM

    "I suspect the real reason prostitutes are put down is because they deliver when they're paid and paid women who don't deliver hate that."

    Actually, it's mostly because they are selling sex too cheaply. Since sex is one of women's most valuable assets, prostitution devalues their worth. Women hate prostitutes for the same reason union workers hate scabs: "They're stealing our jobs."


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