Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I Don't Like It When My Wife Makes That Promise

This is one of those times when I feel like some ungrateful murmurer, because I've been blessed so much but I'm going to grip anyway.


Some marriage-minded counselors and advice dispensers tell wives to tease their husbands, indicating what she's going to do later when they're alone, in private. This is supposed to be a turn on, and supposed to get the man to hurry home from where he is like a trained seal.

For me, it is a turn off. Why? More often than not... probably nine times out of ten, when my wife promises me sex at a specified later time (later that same day, or the next day), often while rejecting me at the moment, it doesn't end up happening. Something gets in the way, such as getting to the point in the day when I'm facing six hours of sleep or less, and since I'm already tired, she defers, claiming it to be for my own good. Or, believe or not, it is because she wants me to shave right before, and she doesn't want me to shave at that moment because she wants my shave to be closer for whatever will follow later (work or personal). Or because it is that time of the month. Or because she isn't feeling well. Or because, sleep and sex deprived, I'm grouchy and that turns her off.

The promise of getting it later is not done in a flirty way. My wife gave up flirting a long time ago, claiming she doesn't know how. It's more like scheduling a meeting.

So, her use of that tactic is a diversion rather than priming the pump.

Now I'm going to get into some details of what happened between us the other night in bed, so if you don't want to read that, you are warned. It isn't too graphic.

The other night, I was freshly shaved and showered, and the appointed moment arrived for our weekly interlude. She was cold, so she was wearing newfangled version of loose longjohns. Mmmm, sexy. Well, you see, it's cold. Yes, cold in Southern Calfornia, where in addition to paying for the high property values, I've paid thousands of dollars for a new heating system. So how can it be too cold?

Anyway, I managed to get her partially unclothed and did my favorite thing for a while, until she had enough of that (not climaxing, though) and then she went to work on me. OK, I was disappointed that once again, she stopped me before climaxing, but I was prepared to sit back and enjoy. Except she kept stopping, and then gave up, moving away to change positions to just be next to me.

She asked if I was OK with her stopping at that moment.

Here's where I should be able to say, "NO! Of COURSE I'm not!" But because of the way I am, there's no winning, because if I did indicate I wanted her to keep going, then I'd feel like I had a hostage, and I don't want a hostage. I don't want to feel like I'm adding a chore to her day.

She said she was going to go wrap a few more presents since we were going to be with her family the next day to exchange gifts and do the holiday thing, but wanted to cuddle when she got back. I tried teasing her by making prelimary moves to more foreplay, then let her go.

That turned out to be a mistake. I should have just done whatever I wanted right then and there. Teasing doesn't work with her. She doesn't care. Trying to turn her on by teasing her is like promoting crisp, clear 3-D cinema to someone wearing an eye patch over one eye.

I was very tired. I wanted to sleep, but there in the dark, I struggled to say awake, because she'd indcated there would be more when she returned, and I know from experience she won't bother to wake me up if I fall asleep. So I strived to stay awake and waited, and waited, and waited. Now, it isn't unusual for her to stay awake late (especially when she can sleep in the next day knowing that I will drag my miserable butt out of bed to deal with the kids in the morning). But she'd just told me she wanted to come back and cuddle, which we normally do NOT do while sleeping. Eventually, I went to check on her, thinking maybe she's fallen asleep where she was wrapping the presents. Nope. She was watching the TV and playing games on her tablet (I don't have a tablet, by the way). She didn't see me, and at that point I didn't want her to see me. I returned to bed, dejected, and fell asleep.

She did not even try to cuddle with me she returned to bed. I reached out for her, hoping to start something, but there was no response, so I curled up and went to sleep.

I know she wants to cuddle on the couch more, after the kids are asleep. I tried that for a week or two after she got out of her hospital say, but it isn't going to happen on a consistent basis because it will mean less sleep for me and I already get too little, and it will not lead to more lovemaking, so it will just result in frustration for me. And by that I don't mean that every cuddle session has to lead to sex, just that I'm going to be reminded even more forcefully what I'm NOT getting, at least six days per week.

I'm not getting my chance to feel closer to my wife, bonding with my wife, pleasing my wife, and expressing my love for her through lovemaking. (She says I express my love her her other ways, which is true, but this is the way I feel special about.)

I'm not getting access to my wife's body.

I'm not getting to explore and experiment with my wife.


I'm not getting to play with my wife.

I'm not getting to express myself to my wife or my affection for her.

I'm not getting to enjoy something He has given to married couples, although I have taken on all of the obligations as a husband.

Although I know, because the Bible tells me so, that it was wrong to fornicate as I did with women before I ever knew my wife existed, during my wayward youth, if it weren't for those experiences I would be so much more a wreck than I am now, because I would think something was terribly wrong with me, that was I was the world's worst lover and somewhat repulsive, if I didn't have those experiences. I would have a complex something fierce.

Thankfully, I know that what is going has more to do with her, whether it is psychological or side effects of medicine or her sometimes-it-is-sometimes-it-isn't-a-disability, or a combination.


So, in addition to learning to take what I want when I want rather than teasing her, I know to ignore her promises of sex and to instead masturbate and go to sleep, because if nothing else, my prostate health is important. And since I don't get to spend time with the guys or much time with my hobbies and I am not looking forward to anything professionally or in just about any other area of life at this point save for my kids, pretty much all I'm going to be looking forward to is sleep and masturbation. Spending a whole week looking forward to a lovemaking session that might or might not happen or may be so constrained as to feel like microwaving instant noodle soup is just too painful.

Sad, but that's where I am right now.

She's got what's she's always wanted (as she says, trying to compliment me). She has her kids, she has a home, she has someone working to provide her income and share the chores and parenting and to protect her. Maybe things would be different if she wanted another child.

1 comment:

  1. Happy New Year to you, Ken. I appreciate your honest, no-nonsense look at married life from the man's point of view.

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