Thursday, January 22, 2015

Self Improvement Met With Hostility

Here's an update on my fabulous life as a married man.

These days, when things are "good", it is only relatively so. "Good" means my wife is not being actively and openly hostile towards me. "Good" means my wife has thrown something into a pot to make a delicious dinner, and has actually done some laundry. It might even mean a few minutes of mercy sex! (Three week gaps seem to be the norm now.)

But then, out of the blue, things will turn bad.

This latest time was supposedly because...

For years now, my wife has been trying to drug me. This has continued even though with therapy and a new attitude and expectations, my behavior has generally and considerably improved. It has been a long, long time since, in a fit of extreme frustration, I have shouted loudly at my wife or the kids. I'm not perfect, of course. There are still times I am grumpy or sigh or get sarcastic, but I'm better and continue to get better. Still, I had to use a bargaining chip with my wife to keep the family together and told her I'd ask my therapist for an M.D. who could give me a medication. I did. We went to visit him. He realized I wasn't going to feel free to talk with my wife in the room, so he sent her out. He didn't give me much time. He prescribed a med. So, he wasn't telling me I should take that med, but he was making it possible for me to take it.

My wife picked it up from the pharmacy as fast as she could.

I read what the med mainly treats. I don't have those symptoms. I read what the side effects were. I don't want those. So, I pocketed the med and didn't take a single dose, but rather continued to "improve" my behavior. (I'm not really sure 'no longer caring' is an improvement for a married father, but that is the approach I took.)

My wife was pleased with me. She told me she noticed my improved behavior, and I let her believe I was taking the med.

Of course the refill time came around, and she asked if I was going to get a refill. I told her I would handle it.

A few more weeks down the line, now, she wanted clear, committal answers from me about whether or not I was refilling the med and taking it. I wasn't smart or fast enough to handle the situation better. She questioned my masculinity. I finally told her I'd never taken a single dose.

THAT is what started the last bad period. She was, and is, furious. Except when she's asleep, she has constantly been hostile towards me and verbally attacking me. I've tried to engage as little as possible. I've asked her what was more important, that I improve my behavior or that I be drugged? She knows she loses that one, so she's switched it to repeating over and over again that I lied to/deliberately deceived her, and has started to say I haven't gotten any better (unfortunately for her, I've kept all of her messages where she was praising my improved behavior). She has told  me she can't trust me about anything about this, she has been insisting I answer direct yes-or-no questions about all sorts of things including whether or not I've ever had a physical or emotional affair during the time we've been together (absolutely not). She says she can't trust that I'm actually going to therapy, that she can't trust that I don't have STDs, that she can't trust I actually got a vasectomy... on and on it goes. She's declared our marriage will be sexless. I managed not to retort with sarcasm asking how that would actually be much of a change.

Reasoning with her is ineffective.

I really hate spending my time reading her angry, immature, delusional, belittling messages and having to respond to some of them. Too much of my life is being wasted doing that.

I've said we should resume going to family therapy. She was sour on that idea. Hey, I'd rather not go, either, but that's like saying I don't want to go to the ER. I'd rather not have been in an accident in the first place. She recently went and saw a therapist herself a grand total of one time, probably just so we could  tell a social worker she was getting help after Strike Two.

I've pointed out to her that she recently told me she was going to start taking her meds as prescribed, rather than sporadically, and I'd assumed before that she already had been. So where does she get off being so upset that my behavior has improved without a med?

I'll tell you how.

It is a threat to her way of looking at herself and life. Even more than everyone else in her family, she needs lots of meds. Meds are the answer to everything in that family. If there is anyone who is able to get better or fix something without a med, it is somehow a threat to her, because in her mind it implies she doesn't really need the medication.

Hey, I believe she does need the medications. However, we're not the same person.

I restrained myself from pointing out that she lied to me about her health/need for meds from the time we started dating and she still hasn't come clean to me directly, so really, her getting on my back about not being forthright and  detailed about whether or not I was drugging myself with happy pills is quite the maneuver.

This is a serious birth defect in our relationship. We have fundamentally different views about health and medication. I'm all for medication if someone needs it, but not everyone needs to be medicated all the time for every thing. She is insecure around people who don't need meds. That is why she wants  to drug me and wants to drug my son. My daughter can be difficult, too, but my wife doesn't talk about drugging her. I'm not sure if that is a gender thing or if she's drugging my daughter behind  my back (and maybe unknown to my daughter, too.)

I want to give my kids a pleasant home. At this point, I'd be "fine" with my wife simply being polite to me and us doing short hugs and welcome/goodbye kisses in front of the children, but I don't know if I'm even going to get that. I really hate going in for a hug and having her push me away in front of the kids.

I've noticed my wife watches a lot of television shows relevant to her life. For example, she watches shows on addiction and intervention because of her family. She watches shows on people with disabilities and strange medical conditions because of her own. Should I be worried that she watches a lot of those nonfiction shows about murder and subsequent trials?

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