This is the Reality of Many Husbands

Some really great letters are posted at Dr. Laura's website. Typically, there will be three letters posted every weekday. This is usually something distinct from things posted on her show's Facebook page.

Here's a recently printed letter from Peter.

Fifteen years ago, I married my sweet loving girlfriend after many years of dating. The first year of marriage was pretty bumpy, but then she read your book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Wow, the marriage really got good.

Sounds great, right?

Fast forward to today and things have taken a turn for the worse. I like so many of your callers am no longer married to my girlfriend.  Instead I'm married to a bitchy wife with 3 kids. Now I understand 3 kids can be a handful, but here are a few thoughts from my perspective.

1.When you say guys don't communicate that's because we often get punished if we communicate.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Not just what you say but how you say it.

She asked me what's wrong about a year ago and I made the mistake of telling her.

Sometimes, it is best to minimize interaction.

I get the house will be a mess with three kids, but every room is like a war zone. So instead of ever mentioning it again, I just put in some extra effort in doing the dishes for her, some laundry, picking up things. And now by me being helpful and proactive, she considers I'm still complaining...

Some women claim to agree to a division of labor. The husband is supposed to financially support the entire family and handle certain chores and errands (lawn care, automotive maintenance, etc), and they will handle most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. But then the women will do a little test. They'll stop doing some or all of the domestic chores and figure either their husband will do it himself or he will shell out cash to pay someone else to do it, even though he's already paying half of his salary for domestic considerations.

2.I didn't realize I signed up for a life of celibacy.

There isn't (any longer) a legal requirement not a social requirement that a wife actually be her husband's lover.

Again, I made the mistake of communicating my frustration. I also emailed her some quotes from you like, "This is the measure men have of how much their women love them". Now she says I'm just thinking of me.

So she doesn't enjoy sex? Most likely she seemed to enjoy it before the wedding and maybe even before the kids.

3.Men are reactive and not pro-active. She doesn't seem to understand, the woman sets the mood of the household. And men react to their woman's mood. If she is bitchy then I'm on guard and try to not communicate too much to avoid her wrath. If I confront her, it's twice as bad.  And if I avoid her, I'm still a bastard for being quiet and not communicating. Refer back to #1.

Yup. It's a rigged game.

4.Men aren't women. I'm not wrong because I don't react to the kids the same way you do. My experience?  When I lay down some rules, Mommy intervenes to tell the child Daddy is wrong for being angry. To undermine Daddy like that just sets up the kid to be a spoiled brat for the rest of its life.

And yet you know that if he backed off she would complain that he doesn't help parent.

In conclusion, there was time when I would have swam through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade. Now I just seem to forget some of those presents at anniversaries and birthdays.

She no doubt complains to anyone listens about that.


Is this a man who can honestly tell his son or any other man that marriage is a good thing?

Something a Wife Doesn't Want to Find Out

Standard disclaimer about posts like this: I love Dr. Laura and her show. I do posts like these to express my few, usually minor, disagreements with how she handles some calls/topics. Also, this post is going to be about very adult topics.

Discouraging Shacking Up

In Hour 1 on March 5th's show, Dr. Laura got a call from a shack-up honey who was just nineteen, or maybe that was her age when the shacking up started. She was concerned about how her boyfriend handles money. Now, I'll say yet again that I think shacking up is a terrible idea (I intentionally avoided it) and I adore Dr. Laura and I'm a huge fan of her. It is because I listen so thoroughly and closely that I can pick bones sometimes.

Dr. Laura told her...

Justifying Unmarried Fornication is Not the Same As Planning to Cheat on Your Spouse

Ah, two entries in a row inspired by the Dr. Laura Show. As I often do, I'll say I love her show, books, etc. and I generally agree with her and I think she does a lot of good for people.

With that out of the way...


In the first hour of yesterday's (March 3, 2015) show, a woman called to ask about letting an unmarried middle-aged couple stay in the same room of her family home while they visited for an event to which they were going. The caller was against it; her husband was OK with it. She and her husband did NOT shack up themselves. Her husband was justifying the fornication of their friends by saying that dating was to get to know someone, and sex was part of that and people did it so they wouldn’t get "defrauded" into marriage. Dr. Laura claimed that the statistics are that when people don't shack up and don't have sex before marriage that their "success rate in marriage is much greater".

I’d like to believe that. That's how my wife and I handled it, after all, and this is a claim I have always accepted. I think I've gone into great detail about that before on this blog about the various  reasons that statistic might be true. One of them is that the kind of person who is willing to wait until marriage for sex and cohabitation is also likely to avoid filing for divorce, no matter how miserable or toxic things get.

Anyway, if the call had ended there, that would have been great. But it didn’t.

Dr. Laura then told the caller to be "very worried" about her husband's mentality because "sex outside the marriage may be the next thing he justifies." The caller was stunned. "Yeah," Dr. Laura continued, "He’s going in a direction, can't you see that?" Then when the caller revealed they got married when he was 45 (he'd never been married before) Dr. Laura said she would have talked the caller out of that one, and ended the call. But she went on to say "He's creeping out from under the covers. We're hearing more and more the truth."

Really?

There are many, many people who think it is "OK" for middle-aged people to fornicate monogamously with each other who do NOT think it is OK to cheat on their spouse and never would cheat on their spouse. I know, I know, there are people who say fornication is cheating on your future spouse, which, of course, assumes someone will have future spouse. But that's a very specific religious view. I'm instead talking about general mindsets in society.

I largely agree with Dr. Laura’s overall moral mindset, but I know there are many people who do not think like "us" and thus do not see all sex outside of marriage under the same general category of immorality. In their minds, cheating on a spouse is entirely different than having sex with your longtime monogamous partner you are with under the intention of finding a spouse.

I'm not sure telling that wife to be suspicious of her husband was a productive thing to do.




The more likely way this pertains at all to the marriage of the caller is that her husband himself might feel like he was defrauded. But the caller said they didn't shack up, not that they didn't fornicate. I'm fairly certain from what the caller said and didn't say that they did fornicate and so the husband "knew what he was getting himself into".

So Dr. Laura's nudging of the wife towards suspicion seemed to me to be a mistake on her part. The call should have been ended with the fact that the wife is co-owner of the home (assuming she is - she might not be given the ages, and if she's not Dr. Laura probably would have said that was wrong, too) and she doesn't want unmarried couples spending night together in her home, and that should be the deciding factor.

A Success Story

Let's get something straight right away. I'm still of the conviction that sex is for marriage.

Today’s Dr. Laura Show e-mail of the day comes from "Kelly" and is titled "Waiting Made It Better". I don't know if that’s Kelly's title or the title given to the letter by Dr. Laura or someone on her staff.

When my husband and I began dating, we were in our forties. Unfortunately, in our age group, sex is an expectation of even the most casual of dating.

That's an expectation of any age group from 16 years-old on up.

I knew I had a keeper when at the very beginning of our relationship, he agreed to wait until our wedding night!

Many women "knew they had a keeper" due to a similar agreement, only to find out that they married a man who has little to no interest in having/ability to have sex with her or women in general. This could be due to impotence, or trauma, hormonal problems, or a disorder, or only having attraction to children or males or inanimate objects. And then what? Well, many people who insist only having sex in marriage also insist on not divorcing. So you they find themselves enduring a lack of this kind of affection for the rest of their lives. That is more tolerable if someone is paying your way through life, but for men, it is less so.

This was made all the sweeter as we had both previously been married so we knew what comforts and pleasure we were missing.

So it isn't like they were curious and pent-up virgins. It's one thing to "wait" when you've had it as a regular part of your life before. It is another thing to wait when you've never had it, and we shouldn't pretend it is the same thing.

We celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary this past Valentine's Day.

That's smart on his part - getting married on February 14. It cuts down by one the number of "special days" he has to make a big deal about. He gets even more points if he Kelly's birthday is December 25. If you're going to get married, guys, find a woman whose birthday is either 2/14 or 12/25 and get married on the other date.

We have a marriage that is not only passionate and getting more so each year, but we have peace in our home and the loving, trusting, never-going-to-leave-you-no-matter-what relationship we've always dreamed of.

If she's implying that he's:

• loving
• trustworthy
• never going to leave her no matter what

...because he was willing to wait, well, that isn't necessarily the case, as many women who married men who waited with them can testify. Also, "never-going-to-leave-you-no-matter-what" can be a very a problematic attitude. I made vows to my wife, but if she gets to strike three as far as risking harm my children, than I pray I have the guts to leave her.

Getting back to the title of the letter and her comment that "this was made all the sweeter". The fact is, we don't know. We have no idea what it would be like if they hadn't waited. She might be just as happy with everything now. And yes, things might have been not as good. We don’t know. What we do know is that for that amount of time, which they are never getting back, they weren't enjoying sex. We make these claims, implicitly or explicitly to younger generations that if they just wait, things will be great. It isn't necessarily so. There are real people out there who waited and have found things are not great - they may be awful. I'm glad things are great for Kelly and her husband, and wish them a long and happy life together, but it doesn't always so the same for everyone, and they're only five years in anyway and things could be very different in another five years. We can still make the case that waiting is the right thing to do without fostering unrealistic expectations that will leave some people confused and bitter.

Something to See

In recent years, I’ve complained much about my marital situation on this blog. However, there are a few common complaints many husbands have that I don't have.

• My wife has not gained weight. She may even weigh less right now than when we married. She could stand to gain some weight, actually.
• My wife has not chopped off her hair. Yes, she gets the rare haircut, but she doesn't have her hair shortened too much.
• My wife also stays "groomed" the way I prefer.
• She has not frumped out/butched up on what she wears.

I'm going to stop here, because I want this post to be entirely positive. Notice that these are each, at least in part, visual. That is important to most men.

Calm Waters For Now

Things have been "good" the last few weeks or so with my wife. Prior to that, I was heading in to a few days off, and she picked a fight with me and I figured she was setting up her excuse to avoid affection and to sit in bed all day until I returned to working. But inexplicably, she woke up the next day and wanted a hug. Nothing had really changed in our discussion. She had not accepted any of my answers to her questions, and yet here she was, wanting a hug.

So, what typically happens, I oblige and then I’m happy the active, open hostility has subsided, but in the back of my mind, I know it is only a matter of time until she has another round of being actively, openly hostile towards me, quite possibly without any discernible trigger. Like I said, since that last round things have been "good". I use quotation marks because it is a relative description. If you would have described my life now to me when I was deciding whether or not to ask my wife to marry me, I would have ran the other way.

Given the ages of our kids, my wife could definitely work at least part-time, but she "can't" because of her physical condition. The thing is, she can drive and use computers for hours on end, so yes, she can work. Ah, but being a full-time Wife and Mom means she'll have time and energy for me and the kids and to make a pleasant home. At least... that's what people like Dr. Laura and other advocates for SAHMs say all of time. However, that's not how things are actually playing out. My wife is doing laundry more again, which is good, and she does some of the shopping, which is good. But the house is a mess, she rarely cooks (on the bright side, I know she's not secretly drugging me and she can't consistently drug my kids behind my back), and the sex is pretty much just mercy sex once every two or three weeks. She did change her medications so that she can now achieve orgasm again, but so far, the frequency of sex hasn't increased as a result. I do gently try to initiate, but there's usually some way that gets shot down: "It would be better tomorrow..." and then usually it doesn't happen the next day: "I’m not feeling well"; or she picks a fight, or she's gets on the rag.  It's pretty easy to deflect when you limit the opportunity to once per week, knowing that at least one week every month will have a period and refusing to do anything while on your period.

In my wayward youth, I enjoyed actually sleeping with the women with whom I was fornicating. We'd cuddle and spoon. I can't recall if I've ever done that with my wife. She usually comes in to go to sleep long after I do and I get up long before she does, and even if we go to bed at the same time, cuddling is out because of her physical condition and her preferences regarding body heat. We have a king sized bed and we keep to our own edges, and the dog sleeps between us, usually pressed up against me and growling loudly whenever I stir.

Most attempts I make to take my wife out for a date are shot down.

Maybe once a season, I get to hang out with some friends.

As with many other men who have found that marriage itself has been and overall detriment to them, I do find much joy in my children. As difficult as they can be, I enjoy their excitement to see me, playing with them, teaching them, and giving them hugs and kisses, and watching them grow. I feel horrible that they have a mother who can't or won't fully mother them (to the point my daughter tries to take on a motherly role quite often), a mother they worry about, and a mother who may have passed along some negative traits I was unaware of that might manifest as the kids age. On the other hand, they wouldn't have existed if I wasn't married to their mother.

I realize my life is better than the lives of billions of other people in the world. It just isn't something I would have chosen if I had known a few more facts. Hopefully, my wife's condition will not significantly deteriorate from where it is now. Hopefully, I won't come down with heart disease. Hopefully, none of us will get maimed or killed in an accident. Hopefully, these will be all be true long enough for my kids will grow into well-adjusted, independent adults.

Then, the next thing to which I look forward to is retirement. Maybe I'll get to that before I die.

Self Improvement Met With Hostility

Here's an update on my fabulous life as a married man.

These days, when things are "good", it is only relatively so. "Good" means my wife is not being actively and openly hostile towards me. "Good" means my wife has thrown something into a pot to make a delicious dinner, and has actually done some laundry. It might even mean a few minutes of mercy sex! (Three week gaps seem to be the norm now.)

But then, out of the blue, things will turn bad.

This latest time was supposedly because...

For years now, my wife has been trying to drug me. This has continued even though with therapy and a new attitude and expectations, my behavior has generally and considerably improved. It has been a long, long time since, in a fit of extreme frustration, I have shouted loudly at my wife or the kids. I'm not perfect, of course. There are still times I am grumpy or sigh or get sarcastic, but I'm better and continue to get better. Still, I had to use a bargaining chip with my wife to keep the family together and told her I'd ask my therapist for an M.D. who could give me a medication. I did. We went to visit him. He realized I wasn't going to feel free to talk with my wife in the room, so he sent her out. He didn't give me much time. He prescribed a med. So, he wasn't telling me I should take that med, but he was making it possible for me to take it.

My wife picked it up from the pharmacy as fast as she could.

I read what the med mainly treats. I don't have those symptoms. I read what the side effects were. I don't want those. So, I pocketed the med and didn't take a single dose, but rather continued to "improve" my behavior. (I'm not really sure 'no longer caring' is an improvement for a married father, but that is the approach I took.)

My wife was pleased with me. She told me she noticed my improved behavior, and I let her believe I was taking the med.

Of course the refill time came around, and she asked if I was going to get a refill. I told her I would handle it.

A few more weeks down the line, now, she wanted clear, committal answers from me about whether or not I was refilling the med and taking it. I wasn't smart or fast enough to handle the situation better. She questioned my masculinity. I finally told her I'd never taken a single dose.

THAT is what started the last bad period. She was, and is, furious. Except when she's asleep, she has constantly been hostile towards me and verbally attacking me. I've tried to engage as little as possible. I've asked her what was more important, that I improve my behavior or that I be drugged? She knows she loses that one, so she's switched it to repeating over and over again that I lied to/deliberately deceived her, and has started to say I haven't gotten any better (unfortunately for her, I've kept all of her messages where she was praising my improved behavior). She has told  me she can't trust me about anything about this, she has been insisting I answer direct yes-or-no questions about all sorts of things including whether or not I've ever had a physical or emotional affair during the time we've been together (absolutely not). She says she can't trust that I'm actually going to therapy, that she can't trust that I don't have STDs, that she can't trust I actually got a vasectomy... on and on it goes. She's declared our marriage will be sexless. I managed not to retort with sarcasm asking how that would actually be much of a change.

Reasoning with her is ineffective.

I really hate spending my time reading her angry, immature, delusional, belittling messages and having to respond to some of them. Too much of my life is being wasted doing that.

I've said we should resume going to family therapy. She was sour on that idea. Hey, I'd rather not go, either, but that's like saying I don't want to go to the ER. I'd rather not have been in an accident in the first place. She recently went and saw a therapist herself a grand total of one time, probably just so we could  tell a social worker she was getting help after Strike Two.

I've pointed out to her that she recently told me she was going to start taking her meds as prescribed, rather than sporadically, and I'd assumed before that she already had been. So where does she get off being so upset that my behavior has improved without a med?

I'll tell you how.

Tom Leykis Doesn't Really Know All That Much About Religion

But then neither do a lot of religious people.

Tom Leykis is an Atheist.  He makes no pretense of being Agnostic or anything like that. He states that there is no God, not that there might not be a God. He does admit his Atheism is a belief, but he falsely claims he doesn't try to get people to adopt his belief system.

The first two hours of his Thursday, January 8 show was the topic "Religion: Stupid". It was inspired, it sounds like, by the Islamist terrorist attacks that just happened in France.

1) His lumping of all religions together is like someone lumping all audio content shows (radio, podcasts, etc.) together and saying something like "Stephanie Miller did something terrible, so all audio content shows are stupid!" If Leykis wants to debate whether philosophical naturalism or a belief that there is a supernatural existence makes more sense, that's one thing, or debating the benefit of religious community, or ritual, or whatever, fine. But to lump all "religions" (by which he seems to mean anything that isn't Atheism or Agnosticism), which are highly diverse in beliefs, practices, and historical behavior, and then demand that someone has to defend them all, is an invalid exercise. I'm not obligated to defend belief systems and practices that are often exactly opposite of mine.


2) He repeats the common falsehood that there has been more death and destruction in the name of religion than anything else. First of all, "religion" is too broad a term. See #1. I know he doesn't consider Atheism a religion and since Atheistic rulers have been the biggest mass murders in history, then no religion can be.

I Want You to Want Me

"Glen"  has Dr. Laura's e-mail of the day:

I have been married for 27 years.

Much longer than me.

And the time is coming up quickly on the one year anniversary since my wife and I have had sex.

And I thought once every three weeks, which is our frequency these days, was bad!

I totally accept 100% of the blame for this. You see...I stopped asking to have sex. Since then...nothing.

What I came to realize is that my wife has no interest in me sexually. And at this point the most un-appealing thing to me is to be with someone who is not interested.

I identify with this man very much. That is very much how I feel.

I can't imagine ever being intimate with my wife again. It's kind of sad...funny...frustrating...that the one person in this world I find more attractive than anyone else, doesn't want to be intimate with me.

He goes on to say:

All I think about is being with someone else. In fact it is kind of like hating your job. I was always taught to keep the bad job until something else comes along. I guess I am waiting for that something/someone better to come along.

That is where we differ. Yes, I'd want sex. No, I would not want another relationship - ever. I'm a loyal guy anyway, so I'm not going to ever jump ship because some other woman comes along. I may jump ship, but the only way I'd ever get into another relationship is if I would be a kept man. Otherwise, I do not want the risks or all of the trouble.




My wife has recently switched her depression medications. She made it clear that the only reason she was going to switch was to get some sex drive back and regain her ability to have a orgasm. From the way she said it and the words she used it was very clear that she doesn't care about sex and it doesn't bother her that she hasn't wanted sex or had orgasms. She isn't switching for her benefit, she is switching for mine. However, in saying that, she mostly removes the benefit to me, and so it defeats the purpose.

Sad.

I repeatedly and explicitly told her to take whatever medication was best for her. I don't want her back on the medication she was on when she last tried to kill herself quickly (as opposed to slowly, which she does by what she does and doesn't do in daily life).

This is all crap I specifically did NOT want to deal with, which is why I made it clear I wanted to only date-for-marriage someone who was healthy. It's too bad I trusted people to be honest rather than being suspicious and demanding records.

Does It Ring True?

Professor Mike Adams, who I think is generally awesome when it comes to his columns and cleverness and his work fighting back against Leftist fascism in academia, has a column today comparing shacking up to marriage, with the title "The Ring Makes All the Difference". It plugs a book by Glenn Stanton called The Ring Makes All the Difference. He then goes on to list "ill effects" of shacking up.

Before we start, I want to make it clear that I think shacking up is a horrible idea. However, I'm at the point where I think marrying usually isn't a good idea, either.

In marriages, male-female ratios of violence are roughly equal – with women and men just as likely to initiate violence against their spouses. However, in cohabiting relationships, men are far more likely to initiate violence.

Uh, so what do you mean? Getting married makes women just as violent as men?

Hey, Man, Should You Get Married?

I've added a page with a quiz to help men figure out if they should get married.

Will Tom Ride Off Into the Sunset?

Although I disagree with him on certain very important fundamentals about life, the universe, and everything, I have long said that Tom Leykis is an excellent talk show host and there are many things about which he is right and makes a lot of sense. I admire what he has been doing with his venture, the New Normal, and especially what he's been doing with his flagship program, The Tom Leykis Show.

He clearly enjoys doing his show, but he does not want it to be some hobby he pays for. He wants his business to be profitable, and he's set a rapidly-approaching deadline to make it happen. He's even made it possible for his listeners and other observers to know how close he is to reaching his goal by earlier announcing a minimum number of subscriptions he needs to secure and giving updates on how many more need to be secured to reach that goal.

A certain amount of transparency is one of the things that makes his venture different from terrestrial radio.

If his goal is not reached and he isn't able to wave a profit statement in the air and mock the big radio companies who are billions of dollars in debt, his announced plans are basically to stop producing his show and to spend more time enjoying life in other ways. He's been fiscally responsible enough and had a lucrative enough contract when he worked for corporate radio that he can afford to do that.

Crunching Some Numbers

The biggest deficiency in my overall fiscal responsibility has been not having a formal budget. I realize this is a big, big deficiency, but I've always been in the habit of not using credit cards that charge fees, always paying off credit cards so as to accrue no interest, paying bills on time, saving for the future, etc.

When I first was working full-time, I had enough to cover my expenses and put some money away in a Roth IRA, but I realized I needed to earn more, and since I wasn't getting any traction in entering my goal career, I took a job my university degree allowed me to take because it was a university degree, not because of what I'd studied. I was able to do that while still keeping my other job, but on a part-time basis. I hadn't expected to be able to keep my old job, so that was "extra" money. For the first time since becoming an adult, I no longer had to worry about money. Yet, I was still frugal. In addition to contributing to my Roth IRA, I had paid off my car early and saved up roughly one year's gross salary. Heck, I was working too much to spend the money anyway.

And then I got married and paid for most of the wedding and a honeymoon.

And then my part-time job ended.

And then we had kids.

Strike Two

Time for an update on what's been going on with my marriage. If you've been to this blog multiple times before, you might be fine skipping the background.

Are These Double Standards or Not?

I'll get back to blogging about my marriage and life sooner or later. For now, it is time for another entry dealing with things said by my favorite (and I'm NOT being sarcastic - she's awesome) talk show host.

Recently, a woman called Dr. Laura to ask about having an open or polyamorous marriage or relationship. Dr. Laura asked if the woman's boyfriend of husband was asking for it, but that got shot down immediately by the woman saying it was what she wanted. This was clearly a Clueless Caller type #2 from my Dr. Laura Show Bingo.

Actually, I think Dr. Laura was very gentle with the woman, while still making it clear that since typical marriage vows include "forsaking all others", having sex with anyone other than your spouse (even with your spouse participating, present, or your spouse's permission) is a violation of the "sacred" vows. The caller probably had a specific third person in mind, but I don't recall she indicated whether the third person was a woman or a man. Since Dr. Laura doesn't believe bisexuality exists, if the caller had mentioned it was a woman, Dr. Laura would have told her she's a lesbian. Anyway, so the part of the vows (assuming someone even says them) including "forsaking all others" mandates sexual exclusivity. I agree with that. Here's where the possible double standard comes in. Most people who say that vow also vow "until death do us part", but Dr. Laura apparently considers that vow less sacred, at least if the married couple has no minor children together. See #15 on the Bingo sheet.

This previous entry (see #7 and #11) touches on these issues.

The other possible double standard comes with how people meet the person they're dating. Dr. Laura is, how should I put it, less than impressed with online dating/matchmaking services. She flat-out tells people not to use them. A caller toward the end of the second hour on Thursday, 11/20/2014, had been dating a guy for only a month after finding him through a dating website. Let me repeat: only a month. Dr. Laura told her it was mandatory she meet his friends and/or relatives before having another date with him. And yes, while Dr. Laura advises people looking to date (which means for Dr. Laura someone looking to get married) tell the people they respect and admire in their life, whose judgment they trust that they want to be formally introduced to quality people. The possible double standard is that I've never heard her tell someone who met their date at work, or at the gym, or anywhere else that didn't involve first making contact online, that they had to meet their date's family or friends by one month in.

I agree that, if you're looking for a spouse, it is very important verify the person is who they represent themselves to be, and it is important to meet their loved ones or anyone else who is going to be a regular part of their life and see the interpersonal dynamics at work. Meeting someone through an online connection doesn't make it more or less necessary.

So... what do you think? Are these double standards? Are there logical explanations for them not being double standards? Again, I agree with the underlying principles of the importance of monogamy and really knowing who a person is.

Haven't I Seen This Before?

There is so very much to tell you, dear reader.

For now, I'll leave it at this:

My wife is talking exactly like a textbook American Wife About To File For Divorce. Of course I'm busting my ass trying to make things better and hoping like crazy that divorce doesn't happen, because I don't want to shuttle my kids back and forth and I do not want to pay for two households for the rest of my life. Right now, she says she wants what basically amounts to a co-parenting roommate situation. Of course, you and I know what she wants can change for the worst at any moment, for no reason other than a hormone being released into her system. It's like strongly suspecting you know the awful end of a movie or video and hoping you're wrong and watching exactly what you don't want to happen, happen - in slow motion.

I am now more strongly on the side of encouraging most men to join the marriage strike.

Go back and read past entries (the "Me" tab might help) to understand some of the issues involved.

A Shack-Up Honey Calls My Favorite Talk Show Host

Upfront: 1) I love Dr. Laura's show, books, website, and Facebook page, and I almost always agree with her and recognize that she's helped millions people. 2) I agree shacking up is bad and I strongly advise against it.

Almost 32 minutes into the third hour of her show on Tuesday, Dr. Laura took a call from a woman who said she is in an eight-year relationship and they've been "living together" for three, and she described her relationship as great all around and in glowing terms, even using the words "respect" and "sacrifice", but she was saying he deflects talk of marriage with "it isn't the right time".

(I wonder if that woman can explain why she even wants to bother to get married in honest terms that doesn't involve a series of parties in which she'll be the focus or community property. But I digress.)


This prompted Dr. Laura to tear into her about shacking up. "In my day, that wouldn't have flown." Well, right, there were a lot fewer people shacking up back then, but women also had fewer real choices in life. A sexual harassment lawsuit also wouldn't have flown, for example.  Dr. Laura talked about how she shouldn't "hump him, clean for him, and be his companion unless he's willing to lay down his life" for her.

The Back Door and Sexual Orientation

If you can't tell from the title, his entry is going to deal with some very "adult" topics.

So my favorite female talk show host I frequently write about on this blog, whose show and books and website and Facebook page I think are generally great, took a call in her third hour on Monday's show from a wife concerned because her husband of seven years wants her to use a "strap-on" on him.

Both the caller and the host went right to "He might be gay," with the host advising that the caller go through his computer with him to see what's on there.

I think a little more nuanced approach was in order.

My Wife Wants to Know Where the Money Went

Last year, we got a little money from the sale of a property.

Now, we're "struggling" with a lack of cash. I use the quotation marks because we have several accounts intended as various retirement accounts to which I've been contributing. Some experts say "pay yourself ten percent first" and we're doing more than that as far as putting money into those accounts.

I bring in more than the average income for where we live.

But we are struggling to pay off our credit cards every month so we don't get charged interest or fees (which we've successfully avoided, as usual).

So where did the money go? Well, we've had higher than "usual" expenses for the last 18 months or so. My wife and I listed some of them to each other. The one thing she didn't bring up that I'm not going to bring up is... HER MEDICAL EXPENSES. Which... is... one... reason.. why... it... is... such... a... problem... that... she... wasn't... honest... with... me... before... we... married... and... kept... lying... at... least... until... earlier... this... year... long... after... we... brought... children... into... this... mess.

Now, my wife has access to all of our accounts. She can see this stuff for herself.

Our vehicles are not new, and so they require a lot of upkeep (but at least there are no payments). Her dog is quite expensive with the vet visits, many of which could be prevented if my wife took care of her own dog. There's therapists. Yes, multiple. There was a problem with the house (the house she loved so much when it was time to buy but now admits was a mistake) and that problem had to be corrected and THAT took the biggest chunk of the money. The insurance company didn't help, but after they dropped by for a visit they did demand some tree trimming - $$$. The electric bill for the house is ridiculous because of inefficiencies. We spent more on gasoline, since some of her family moved further away and it was important for her to visit her family and mine with the kids so that she would have help with them.

Paying other people to look after our kids in ways that my wife was supposed to is also very expensive. Some of the money went to cable and other expensive entertainment we no longer buy. There was a trip out of state (complete with our kids) for a funeral, a trip in the state, and more recently, airline tickets we can't use right now that will cost us to change or cancel and the leftover money we don't get back but can theoretically use in the future. Right. There have been HUNDREDS of dollars spent on our kids' birthday parties, and let's not forget Christmas! There are new activities and sports for the kids, we each "need" iPads. We've also "needed" replacement iPads after unfortunate effects of gravity.

I also started up monthly payments into an additional insurance/retirement thing that benefits my wife and kids, not me in the slightest. Maybe I shouldn't have done that!

And maybe if my wife prepared meals more than once every week or three, we'd spend less money on fast food.

So yeah... where did the money go?

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

I dislike when talk radio broadcasts and/or their subsequent podcasts do not make it clear (or even hide the fact) that they are rebroadcasts.

I get that some might not do it because it hurts ratings. After all, if someone has already heard that segment, hour, or entire show, they might not listen to it again. I've caught myself listening until there's a call I remember and then I stop, so that tactic has worked on me. However, when they'll clearly note it is a "best of" sometimes, but not other times, I wonder why they can do it those sometimes and then they don't do it that other time.

I subscribe to Dennis Prager's podcasts and Dr. Laura's podcasts. I can listen to Prager live for free, but I don't have satellite radio so listening to Dr. Laura is another matter. I listen to every NEW hour of Dr. Laura. So when a "best of" is noted in the podcast listings, I don't brother to listen. I can see why Dr. Laura might want me to listen to the same hours again, since she does do "in-show" commercials. The breaks are cut out of the podcasts and I'd fast forward through them anyway. They get my subscription money either way. Sometimes the "best of" shows are labeled as such (both in text and in the introductory audio itself), and sometimes, annoyingly, they aren't. Dennis Prager's "best of" and guest hosting hours are always labeled as such. The topics of the hours are also listed, so I can decide if I want to bother to download them or not in the first place. Since they get my money anyway and Prager does NOT do "in-show" commercials and the podcasts cut out the breaks, it doesn't make a difference to them.

I try to listen to Michael Medved if my schedule permits and the topic of the hour interests me. Often his "best of" shows are NOT labeled, and again, that's annoying but at least I'm not paying to hear him. I also listen to Tom Leykis for free, again, if the topic interests me. I NEVER listen the last Wednesday of the year when he has that ridiculous "Ask a Mexican" guy on. That guy is NOT Mexican, as far as I know. If you're born in the USA, you're an American. That guy calls himself a Mexican anyway, then breaks out the fake accent for certain words, and last I heard, kept talking about Orange County as being some horribly racist place (so racist most of the "minority" populations keep growing there). So there's three hours I never hear.

Stand to Reason has free podcasts (STR is listener-supported) of its weekly show. Usually, if the broadcast show is a repeat or a lecture the host made elsewhere rather than the talk show, they won't bother to put it out as a podcast, and that's great by me. STR also lists the topics of the podcast and where in the podcast they start. VERY convenient.

I've fallen way behind on Bible Answer Man podcasts, which are free (listener-supported) and are made of the broadcast talk show. Again, they list the topics and so there have been episodes I haven't bothered to download. However, if I recall correctly, the text describing the podcasts doesn't usually note when it is a duplicate (because the broadcast was a rebroadcast).

The bottom line is that I wish all broadcasts of podcasts of radio/audio talk shows would make it clear before I bother to listen or download if they're a best of. If I missed the original, I just might listen.

Tying the Hands of Parents Behind Their Backs

If you're looking to have as little government involvement in your life, then you have another reason to NOT have children.

Having children means the government will have a foot in the door of your home. Even if you avoid government schools and send your kids to private school or you homeschool them, all it takes is for someone to report being concerned about your children to get the government involved in your home, even if there is not even a hint of abuse or neglect of your children. It can be someone in your extended family. It could be some stranger in the parking lot of a supermarket. It could be a neighbor.

Even if the police or social workers, after getting into your private life, determine everything is fine for your kids, there will now be a file and a record of them having gotten involved, and you're on your way to losing the benefit of the doubt.

The recent high-profile case of a National Football League player apparently repeatedly striking his young son with a switch is an extreme case. I'm not talking about something as extreme as that. How about a light swat in the tush with an open hand? Some people consider that abuse.

So there's the...

When the Chickens Come Home to Choke

Warning: this entry deals explicitly with adult matters such as masturbation and marital sexuality.

Opening the Vent

According to the always-reliable Wikipedia, I, by myself, make a little more than the statewide median family income, which is more than the median household income.  I’m not sure what constitutes a "family" vs. a "household", but there you go. It's even better when comparing to the medians for my city. Aside from a mortgage on my wife's part, neither of us came to the marriage with debt. Yet here we are, struggling financially. What I mean by that is we're not saving as much for retirement as I think we should and we have almost no spare liquid funds unless we want to cash in some of our retirement investments, which I don't think would be a good idea. We're not currently giving to our church. We had a vacation (the first "real" one in quite some time) planned but we had to cancel/postpone it and now we're trying to deal with losing some of the money we already put into it.

So when my wife informed me we were finally, after months of her writing an e-mail to set something up, going to be meeting with someone from our church, I thought back to that e-mail, and due to that I figured this meeting was mostly going to be about finances and what disability aid or programs they knew about, since my wife is disabled (even though she was able to work full-time before we married). I felt kind of silly seeking help from others when I make more the median for our city, but I agreed to go anyway.

I ended up wishing it had been about money.

I should have been tipped off that the meeting wasn't quite going to be what I thought, since the night before, my wife actually gave a slight indication that she was looking forward to sex, and it had only been a week since the last session.

In the meeting were the woman to whom she wrote, and two men. One of the men I recognized as someone who does things like give the "sex talk" session of the church's premarital counseling (which we'd been through), during which he tells the couples considering or planning marriage that marital lovemaking is given to us to enjoy in many ways and many places. Basically, he's there to tell people that sex is allowed once they're married, and it doesn't have to be the missionary position.

But back to the meeting. In the meeting, we focused on:

• That my son loses his temper, like I do, and I should be open to being drugged and having my son drugged.
• That my daughter is a messy hoarder, like I am.
• That our house is a mess and we could use some help having it organized and cleaned.

I felt like I'd been ambushed.

Let's go over each of those.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Things were pretty bleak when I wrote this.

Things are slightly better now, although our home is slipping back into a mess.

The main reason things are better is that I'm paying a significant amount of money for others to take over more responsibilities we'd originally planned for my wife to handle. This expense was unplanned. It has done a number on our finances, which means we will suffer in the future as a result, and we're going without certain wants right now, but for the time being things are better as far as our needs.

I think back to when I was single and I was continuously building up my liquid savings, fully funding my Roth IRA, etc. Whenever an "emergency" came up like significant car work, I didn't have to worry about it. I knew I could pay it. I rented an apartment back then, and I know that if I had just stayed that course, I could have bought a nice (not big, but big enough for a single guy) in a nice area at the bottom the market, maybe paying cash for half of the price (which is no small feat in the greater Los Angeles area). When this sort of thing is what you daydream about, you know you've screwed yourself.

More "good news" is that we went only one week between having sex, instead of two or three. I remember when we felt bad for my wife's sister and her husband because we found out that they were only doing it once per week. That was back in the early days of our marriage, when my wife knew she had to keep me around long enough to get pregnant.

The recent sex was Clinton-style. I'd wanted to enjoy my wife's body, caress her, bring pleasure to her, etc., but I wasn't about to turn down my "reward" for good behavior. Yup. It's like that. If I'm not jumping through the hoops just right, I get punished with withheld sex. If I do things just right, my wife might engage in the chore of actually having some form of sex with me. She actually did a pretty good job (no pun intended), even though she avoided some things she knows I like that she used to do.

Hey single guys! You, too, can have a life like this. Just legally sign over half of everything you'll ever earn and pay for a series of huge parties where your wife gets to play the queen.

Boyfriends and Husbands

I'll start off with my usual disclaimer about Dr. Laura: I love her show (obviously, since I listen to every minute of it), I think she's awesome, and I think she's done and continues to do a whole lot of good for people.

I think I've written about this element of her approach before, but I can't look it up right now. I was listening to a call that I think was on yesterday's show that prompted these thoughts (again).

The well-being of children is obviously the highest priority of Dr. Laura. For example, unless someone is abusive, Dr. Laura recommends people with minor children stick out an unhappy marriage and put on a polite, even pleasant front for the kids, until the kids are grown. Sometimes, she stresses how important the marital vows are, and why they make a marriage different from a shack-up or mere girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, but other times the vows don't seem to matter much, like when a marriage doesn't involve minor children. In situations like that, she may say "You made a mistake. Go home to your mother." and divorce is the recommendation. So, as long as we're not talking about abuse, she'll tell people to stick it out if there are minor children when there are problems she'd otherwise tell people should prompt them to leave.

That's relevant to the topic I wanted to focus on:

Guys viewing "adult" media.

She usually tells as worried wife and mother that it is not a problem, or at least no big deal, if her husband is viewing material depicting (adult) women or men with women, as long as the husband isn't neglecting her or his responsibilities, and that just about all men do it. (Dr. Laura has a large evangelical audience, and viewing such material is frequently depicted as extremely harmful and dangerous in evangelical circles, so I picture shocked women all over North America, most of them gluttons, gossips, and greedy - about which the Bible definitely has something to say even if evangelical preachers would rather spend the time knocking "adult" media.)


However, I've noticed her advice is usually very different if the worried woman is not yet married to the man in question. For example, a young woman called and said her long-term boyfriend had a "collection" of pictures on his phone, and Dr. Laura told her to run. In this particular case, I'd chalk it up to their ages, or to Dr. Laura saving the guy from having a whiny girlfriend/wife, if Dr. Laura hadn't added that she feels sorry for any woman who marries the guy. She tends to describe unmarried guys doing this as having a serious character flaw, while she takes a completely different tone to husbands doing this.

I don't think it is just a matter of what Dr. Laura had for breakfast. She's usually very consistent.




It was not implied that the pictures on the phone are of women the boyfriend knew, but it seemed to me the girlfriend was saying this was stuff he's collected surfing online. Dr. Laura is especially averse to guys having naked pictures of past sexual partners, especially in digital format. I won't belabor why.


Giving Dr. Laura a generous assumption of consistency and the benefit of the doubt would indicate to me that she thinks those husbands are creeps but wants their marriages to be pleasant and so she never attacks the character of those guys when their wives call. The other possibility I see, cynically, and I think I've brought this up here before, is that the principle being applied is that a married man and earned/bought the "right" to enjoy seeing nude women and the visual/auditory stimulation of sex - that men should  "pay for sex" and if they have, then they are entitled to it, and if they haven't, they shouldn't get any semblance of it. Thus, husbands (who've paid  for sex) should be able to view the material without their wife even complaining about it, while a boyfriend, who hasn't paid (as much) for sex, should be dumped.

Maybe we'll get a commentary offering clarification? Dr. Laura has great commentaries, and any time she gives additional insight to approach, I learn something.

Marriage is Still Vastly Popular

Tom Leykis keeps repeating that the 2010 U.S. Census showed that for the first time ever in the Census, there are more unmarried adults than married adults.

I’ve heard before that there are now more unmarried “households” than married, which would be significantly different than what Leykis is saying, because each married household would have TWO adults, and many of the unmarried households would have just one adult, meaning that married adults would still significantly outnumber unmarried people.

But... either way, what does it mean? Tom focuses on it to point out that 1) marriage is dead (and I agree that it very well may be dying) and 2) more and more people are thinking/acting like him.

Well hold on there a minute.

Tom advocates not only not marrying, but not having children, not living with anyone else, and not being in an exclusive relationship at all. People who are sticking to that are a tiny percentage of the population.

The overwhelming majority percentage of Americans will get married at least once. Even most of those who never have a marriage ceremony will shack up or otherwise share quarters and/or have children.

Even ardent fans of Leykis will call in an admit that they "fell off the wagon", especially when his show wasn't being distributed live because he was waiting for his contract with CBS Radio to run out (and was getting paid). They got into relationships, many marrying, many having children.

So again, let's assume he's right – there are now more PEOPLE unmarried than people married, rather than it applying to households and not individuals.

Why would change be in effect?

1) People are getting married later. Rather than marrying at 17, 18, 19, 20, people are getting married at 25, 30, and 35. So there are more unmarried 25 year-olds than there used to be. BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE STILL MARRYING.

2) Widows/widowers are living longer. BUT THESE PEOPLE WERE MARRIED and many of them seek to get married again.

3) People are divorcing earlier, living longer after divorce, or waiting longer before entering into another marriage after a divorce. THESE PEOPLE WERE MARRIED and many of them seek to get married again.

4) More people are living in what are essentially commonlaw marriages, which is definitely not what Leykis would advise.

5) Marriage strikers/MGTOW/Leykis 101 Students who are deliberately avoiding marriage.

I'm also curious as to whether the Census classified people whose spouse is in prison, hospitalized, or temporarily working elsewhere/deployed as "single" or "unmarried" (as I know some statistics have) or correctly counted them as married?

Married people OR married households STILL make up almost as much of the population as all of bachelors/bachelorettes/spinsters, same-sex, divorce, single parent, divorced, widowed, and marriage strikers COMBINED.

Now, maybe there is an ongoing trend and marriage rates/lengths will decline significantly. Leykis seems to think so. The other day he was citing polling of “Millennials” and their attitudes towards marriage, and that they don't think it is so important. I can believe that, and it is not surprising they also think there can be marriages without a bride or without a groom. It's part of the same issue. However, as those people age, most will marry and have children, and even those who don't will see other people do it, and a whole lot of them will change their opinions about the significance of marriage and what marriage is and isn't.

Please don't misunderstand me. I’m not saying everyone should marry and raise children. I'm certainly not saying that the legal realities of marriage today are good or beneficial for men (and even many marriage advocates will admit that marriage is for the benefit of children and women, not for men). I'm not denying that demographics are changing. And personally, for reasons I think I've explained in other postings, if I had to do it over again I can't say I would get married. What I AM saying is that statistics are funny things. The way Leykis talks, you'd think that there majority of people are now thinking and living like him (or at least, how he advocates because he has been married himself, but now advises against it). Clearly, that's not the case. All you have to do is look around. Almost all women have either been married or want to marry (or, at least have a wedding).  An overwhelming majority of men alive now who've never been married will get married, enthusiastically or reluctantly.

[Bumped up because of news in September 2014 that stated this statistic again]

Not Treating In Kind

My wife and I are likely entering a new phase in our lives. For the time being, another one of her responsibilities has been delegated to hired help, at great expense, which should, in theory, give her more time and energy.

Of course I'm NOT talking about lovemaking. Being a good husband, I have not seriously considered having someone else fulfill her responsibility in that regard.

We've had sex exactly twice in the last five weeks, unenthusiastic on her part, and clearly what she considers an act of mercy for me.

She still wants to cuddle, which we do in the family room, after the kids are in bed for the night.

I know that, like many women, she wants to cuddle without it leading to sex, because you know, why would you want to have sex with your husband? So that's what I do. It does not lead to sex at any other time or any other benefit beyond the cuddling itself.

When I'm feeling rejected/neglected sexually, I'm less inclined to otherwise be physically affectionate with her. I keep hugs and kisses to a minimum frequency and duration, because I feel emotionally distant from her.

I suppose the experts would tell me I should be doing the opposite - I should be being more affectionate, because 1) it will help and 2) I should take what I can get. I struggle for a good analogy, but to me, it's like someone has told you they don't like you (sexual rejection) so why would you make an effort to talk with that person more? I don't want to be an annoyance or burden on anyone. To me, when it comes to spouses, physical affection is all part of the same package, a continuum, and if you don't want to travel that part of the circle, we shouldn't be traveling on the circle at all. If you're going to tell me I'm not good enough to be served my dinner in your restaurant, I'm not going to order drinks in your bar. If you don't give a crap about what my needs are, knowing I have them, why should I give a crap about what you want?

She texted me while I was working and asked if we could cuddle tonight. Now, if I treated her like she treats me, my response could be:

1) Telling her we should wait for tomorrow night or another night, and then orchestrating events so it won't happen that night.

2) Telling her "I don't feel like it."

3) Telling her she did X wrong and so I'm not going to.

4) Agree, but make sure my body language and participation are as cold/distant/motionless as possible.


But how did I react?

I quickly and simply agreed.

This is going to eat into my sleep time, which is already too short.

These days, I feel like I have a beautiful friend living with me as a roommate, but one whose bills I'm paying and whose bills I'll be obligated to pay for rest of my life no matter how she behaves and even if she kicks me out of my own home.

Romantic, eh?

Keeping the Health Department Out

My wife and I agreed early on, with her insisting first, that she was going to be a stay-with-kids mother. She was going to give up her job.

This was to allow her to raise our children with love, care, and the best caretaking, and to keep the home, and still have enough energy for me.

HA!

What crock.

I have always helped out around the house. One of the ways we split things was that she would wash the dishes and I would put them away after they dried. Every once in a while, I just couldn't take the dishes piling up any more and I'd wash them, knowing full well I was running the risk her stopping her washing of the dishes entirely. Well, it appears she's done just that.

To get around the issue, we have been using disposable plates, cups, and utensils.

How lazy can someone get, really?

I'm the full-time sole breadwinner. I come home after working and I don't want to clean up. One of my sisters says, "Hey, suck it up. Single mothers do it." Yeah, but I'm not a single parent. The law says that I'm paying my wife half of my frickin' income and I sure as Hell expect that buys something. Not the most romantic thought, but my wife hasn't given me any reason lately to think romantically.

So, I've seen our place get worse and worse. I come home and I don't want to clean up. I don't want to discuss it with my wife. I don't want to discuss it with my kids. My wife should be teaching my kids to clean up after themselves. She should be cleaning up, too.

As a kid, I didn't keep the cleanest room. However, unlike my kids, I did not keep any food or used plates, cups, etc. in my room. My room might have gotten cluttered, but it wasn't unhealthy.

I have no training as social worker or code enforcement expert, but I would expect my daughter's room to be condemned. I'm not exaggerating.

So... my wife scheduled a visit from my mother and one of my sisters, so they can clean up our home. And on top of that, she still scheduled a woman we've previously hired to get there an hour before my family, so we could pay that woman money to do what my family members were coming to do for free.

So in addition to half of my pay going to my wife, I'm paying a stranger on top of that. My sister brought along one of her friends to help, so she could see the disaster as well.

They didn't exactly finish, but they did manage to lose some items my daughter considers important. And they did stay late enough that, after I finished  putting the kids to bed per their requests, I wasn't going to get nearly enough sleep.

At least my wife finally did start cleaning (and I helped out, mostly by taking out trash, doing the dishes, and cleaning a bathtub). I should tell her I've arranged for my family to come by and clean, even when I haven't, just to get her to clean.

My wife has been cooking maybe once every three weeks. And by cooking I'm talking about throwing something in the crock pot.

My wife lets the laundry pile up to a ridiculous point, preferring to put it into the washer and dryer when both of our kids are with my family.

There is plenty of time she's not supervising the kids, because she stays up too late and sleeps in a lot.

She's reduced our sexual encounters to about once every two weeks, for as short as she can keep them, and she's repeatedly indicated to me she only does it as an act of mercy to me. For example, here's a gem of a quote, when I called her out on looking for excuses to avoid sex:

"It isn't about finding an excuse not to have sex with you. It's about finding a reason TO."

In other words, she can't think of a reason to have sex with me. It doesn't matter that I pay the bills. It doesn't matter that I play with the kids in ways she can't or won't. It doesn't matter that I'm her husband. It doesn't matter that I pay the insurance and bills that allow her to visit many different doctors on a frequent basis.

Yeah, I've done the romance her thing. Yeah, I've done the sit and cuddle and rub her legs with no expectation of sex thing. You know what those things got me? A lot less sleep and no sex.

Once again, I can think back to my wayward youth and be comforted in knowing this is not about me. It's her problem. Plenty of women were very eager to have sex with me on a regular basis.

So, I'm probably going to be responding to some of her requests with, "No, I just don't feel like doing that." Childish? Perhaps. But I have no other recourse. One way or the other, I will be forced to hold up my end of the bargain. I have to keep my end of the deal to provide.

So while she:
Doesn't clean
Doesn't cook
Doesn't do laundry in a timely way
Doesn't supervise the kids all of the time they're home
Doesn't accept my sexual advances often enough...

... I'm still keeping my end of the deal. I don't have much of a choice.

I see our situation and I think we're raising our children to be spoiled, useless, and difficult to live with monsters. But at this point, I'm thinking I'm going to strongly advise my son against marrying, so at least he will not inflict himself on someone else.

A Terrestrial Radio Format I Want For Los Angeles

Terrestrial radio ain't what it used to be. Anyone can you that. Tom Leykis gives much insight into how sausage is made when it comes to terrestrial radio, and he frequently points out that the two largest companies are, together, mired in staggering debt. With satellite radio, various apps providing customized listening, and MP3s, etc., and, on the flip side, advertisers having more delivery methods than ever, terrestrial radio has some major troubles. I really like Leykis' model, and his show is so much better since it came back as an Internet show.

In Los Angeles, CBS ended up with both major "all news" stations, AM 1070 KNX and AM 980 KFWB. I remember when I used to listen to KFWB. They had a 20-minute news cycle, with sports twice and hour, and traffic reports every ten minutes. This was 24/7/365. Then things started to change, and I stopped listening, except for when they picked up Dr. Laura after her long run on KFI (and before she went to satellite, where her show is even better.) KFI has gone downhill since she left, except for, perhaps, giving Gary Hoffman the 5-6am weekday hour.

Since CBS owned "too many" radio and television states in the Los Angeles market, KFWB had to be treated as the stepchild. Now it is taking on a sports format, so it can play catchup with Clear Channel's AM 570 and ESPN and whatever other sports stations there are. (Can you tell I don't listen to that stuff?)

Here's what we need in the Greater Los Angeles radio market: An all-traffic station. I'm serious. Now, maybe eventually Internet delivery to moving vehicles will get to the point and penetration where people will be able to do this via automation using their smart phones or part of their vehicle dashboard, but for the time being, Los Angeles needs an all-traffic station. Most traffic reports currently heard on terrestrial radio in Los Angeles are woefully inadequate. They are not timely, or too short, or whatever else - but since they're really there so you can hear a billboard, the companies don't really care.

But if there is an entire station, one with a far-reaching signal, that focuses primarily on traffic reports and covers the entirely of the Los Angeles-Ventura-San Bernardino-Riverside-Orange County area, it would be worthwhile to listeners and worthwhile to advertisers.

Rush "hour" in the Los Angeles area is MANY hours, twice per day. And when it isn't rush "hour", there's construction and cleaning. Traffic is bad on the weekends, too.

With a format like this, we can get detailed information about where an accident is, how many lanes are closed how far the backup is, what speeds there are, and an estimated time of clearance. We can get detailed suggestions of ways around the traffic problem. We can get more information about problems on surface streets. Presidential visits, parades, and other special events can also be detailed. And yes, the time can be filled in with weather reports and other news, especially news that might have an impact on traffic. We can even get told which freeways and streets are wide-open.

Please, someone make this happen. It's not like the existing frequencies are all filled up with highly successful formats.

Taking a Sick Day?

I'm usually suffering from not getting enough sleep, but when I'm also fighting an illness I've caught from my kids, it's a double whammy.

My kids always seem to be sick. I think they could stand better hygiene, better nutrition, and cleaner home environment... gee, if only they had a stat-at-home-mom. Oh wait, they do!

Anyway, one of the "advantages" of being a married father is that staying home is not restful. In the limited thought process I can muster while waking up, I realize that if I stay home, I will not be able to sleep. The kids will be fighting with each other or their mother. I will be be summoned to do some tasks. The dog will either demand to be let out of the room or let back in by constantly scratching at the door.

If I was living alone, I could take the day off from work and relax.

But I don't live alone.

Yes, yes, I realize that single mothers and mothers in general usually still have to take care of the family and home while sick. I get that. However, for lack of a more romantic way of putting it, I earn income and then, by law, I'm essentially paying my wife half of my income. I planned things out so that my children would have to parents and there would be a division of labor. I give my wife plenty of time to herself.

Do Good Men Project Their Problems on Others?

Dennis Prager rightly talks about Leftist hysterias – things that the Left will focus on and claim are already or pending disasters, and how the Left has been proven wrong over and over again about them. Well, my fellow religious conservatives have a couple of such hysterias. One of them is "porn addiction" or porn "use" at all. Granted, additional people join religious conservatives to jump on this bandwagon.

I want to say before this goes further that I'm not defending porn per se; rather I'm concerned about red herrings and other poor arguments being used against it, because they teach bad thinking and when people I otherwise admire use bad arguments, their credibility suffers.

Although I can't know another person's motivations for sure, I strongly suspect that when someone beats this "men need to drop porn" drum endlessly, no matter how many words they use, it really boils down to one or more of the following:

“Really, I wish I could indulge without trouble but my wife and/or my god doesn’t like it. So I have to say this. Or I don’t want you doing what I can’t.”

“I have a daughter and I don’t want to think she’s going to be showing her body to anyone or having sex.”

The Good Men Project, apparently doesn't have an official stance on porn since they regularly published pieces from Hugo Schwyzer, who was known as the "porn professor" while teaching at a community college. I can appreciate a website that appears to have an overall purpose (calling men to be better) hosting content with different opinions of how to achieve that purpose. Like I said, they published Schwyzer, but they also just published a "men are bad for enjoying porn" piece by Bryan Reeves, "5 Reasons Why Men Must Give Up Porn".

It should be noted that the headline can have two meanings. One is that ALL men must give up porn. The other is that if men have these problems, those men must give up porn. It is a very unreasonable essay if one takes the first meaning.

I Have Kept My Voice Down

So the sex drought ended at three weeks, having gone back to the weekly mercy sex schedule. Any time I get close to giving her an orgasm, she stops me. As far as ending the drought, she said she needed me to be more affectionate during the rest of the time. Hey, I’m all for that. If I can give/get a hug, kiss, caress, that’s all good. The problem is, it is hard to do when 1) she’s not there because she’s taken the kids and left in a vain attempt to punish me; 2) I’m not there because I’m working to support the family, all of the comforts they enjoy a lot more than me, and to make sure my wife can have all of her medical appointments and medications; and 3) she pushes me away when I am there. It smacks of “jump through more hopes, you trained dog”, because she’s not going to enjoy it much either way, but if it means I share more affection, OK.

There’s no passion, no playfulness on her part. Over the years, there were a couple of times she did something special, like secretly dropping the kid(s) off with family so that when I came home it would just be to the two of us, with the intention of us having fun together; also, a couple of times she dressed a special way including one time she role-played. It has been a long time since something like that. When we have the place to ourselves and we can make love anywhere at anytime, she wants to stick to the default appointment, in our bed.

Ugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know fornication is wrong and it was bad for me to do back in my unmarried days, but darn it those women wanted to play. They let me know they wanted me, they appreciated me, they enjoyed me, and enjoyed what I did with them. There’s no way of knowing for sure – maybe they would have become icebergs after sharing wedding cake with me, or having a couple of kids.

She has said things in therapy that clearly state what I have suspected is the truth, about what she has done in terms of marrying me and having children. At the time she says them, she’s crying, and so I can’t say “Yup, I agree” because then the marriage would be even worse and there would be no going back, and we have kids to finish raising and I want them to have the best intact home I can provide them. So I carefully react in a way that isn’t disagreeing with what she said, but doesn’t “amen” it either.

She has put a tiny amount of time (so far) into preparing to look for work she can do from home. If that can help offset the unexpected costs we’re facing, that would be great.

Meanwhile, I have successfully kept my biggest flaw in check for all of this time.

I Did Not Miss You

Recently, after I’d implemented my New Attitude, my wife was still upset about the last incident where I was yelling at the kids (it was over a situation where they were endangering themselves). She repeatedly asked me to leave the home to stay somewhere else. I refused. So after a couple of days of me handling the kids without yelling at them, without discussing the issue with me or telling me what she was going to do, while I was out working, she packed up some items, packed up the kids, and took them to the home of her married-with-kids sister. I came home and realized, after I didn’t get immediately presented with demands, that they weren’t there. There was no note left. I had to check my e-mail to find a message that had been sent only a few minutes before explaining her plans. I was relieved that, if her message were to be believed anyway, the kids were alive and safe and with other responsible, capable adults. The way she handled that, though, was unacceptable.

My father’s response (I think he was tipped off by my sister) was to call and tell me to change the locks. If it was just my wife, I would have. However, I have an obligation to my children.

Despite my attempts to communicate, my wife refused to respond to me for over two days. Evidently, she, her sister, and brother-in-law were unable to handle my son, so my wife dropped him off with my mother after a couple of days.

I still had to work and do the necessary chores around the house, but the few waking hours I had at home were GREAT! I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, without interruptions, without nagging, without snide sarcasm. I wasn’t asked to do things by my wife that she should be able to do for herself.

On the fifth day, I had my regularly scheduled individual therapy session. Ah, there was too much to cover in such a short amount of time. After returning home from that, as planned, my wife started a text discussion that lasted for over three hours. It was more one-sided “You need to change” nagging (I’ve never asked her to change anything about herself, although I could have) and immaturity on her part. She even sent me a link to a music video about breaking up or a sad time in a relationship. What are we, seventh graders? I, of course, tried multitasking because it was just too much nonsense, but she realized I was changing screens and she berated me for it. So I multitasked on a difference device.

I missed my kids. There was nothing good to miss about my wife. She hadn’t been making dinner, running errands, or doing much around the house at all. We hadn’t been spending time together at home, we hadn’t been hugging and kissing, we hadn’t been going on dates – and not for my lack of offering/trying. Sex? HA! Since she likes reserving my mercy dose of sex for a one weekly go on a weekend night, it is very easy for her to escape that “obligation” by picking something I did that needs to be punished, or saying I should get more rest, or telling me it would better to do the next night (9 out of 10 times, it ends up not happening that next night). I really don’t want a hostage anyway. As of this writing, it has been at least two and a half weeks since our last sexual encounter, with no end in sight, despite the fact that…

I convinced her to return on the sixth day, along with our daughter, and my mother brought my son back. The kids had missed me, judging from their actions. Since they all returned, I have been behaving myself despite several instances where other parents might have yelled at their kids.

We had a therapy session as a couple. There was so much I never got around to bringing up because my wife was already crying through so much of it. I had to bite my tongue a few times, especially in response to the therapist, who I generally like.

After the session, I managed to get my wife to accept a dinner date with me. It was good to see her actually eat something (a history of anorexia is yet another thing that kept hidden to me until after I was vested in the marital contract), and something that wasn’t junk sweets. The dinner was already keeping me out too late, but as it was winding down, she requested I help with some chores once we got home. Ugh. She operates as though she doesn’t know that I am the sole support of this family and that it is important for me to get enough rest before I go off to work. Yes, I could have told her “no”, but there would have been hell to pay for that, and I was trying to get her back into a positive attitude.

It’s not like she has any responsibilities other than being a wife and mother. I realize those are challenging and extremely important roles, and that is why I readily agreed to be the sole income earner (and now I’m looking to take on additional work even though I already work full-time). She doesn’t work. She doesn’t volunteer. She’s not part of an in-person team or club. She doesn’t have a productive hobby anymore, such as gardening or knitting or sewing. She’s not taking care of a parent. She’s not managing our finances and bills. Being a wife and mother is IT, and yet she’s doing pretty much nothing as a wife and not nearly enough as a mother.

I come home after a full day of work straight out of a Dilbert cartoon and literally, immediately, the kids rush to me with their requests because their mother wants to them sit around the house because it is easier on her. They want me to take them here or there, or do some physical activity with them. And I do, because that’s what a good father does, especially when their mother doesn’t. This will mean a late dinner for me and a too-late bedtime and no time for me to relax. Meanwhile, the woman who is legally entitled to half of every penny I’m earning sits in our bed or on the couch, watching television and playing mindless tablet games. I like spending time with the kids, as long as they aren’t auditioning for a new season of Supernanny. I can’t say I like it more than having a little time to myself on my own terms, but maybe I could if I had more of such time.

When I am working, I’m often getting texts from my wife complaining about how she can’t control the children, and how she’s fallen over and hit her head or bruised herself. She can have a tough enough time walking these days, but when you add in the sea of debris that our home’s floor can become soon after we’ve paid someone to clean the place, even the most physically coordinated person is going to trip sometime. Could I clean the place up myself? Yes, I could, if I gave up some more of the precious few hours of sleep I get, and if I didn’t want to stick to my principle that we’re supposed to have a division of labor.

So, to wrap this entry, I’ll say a couple of things I probably have said here before. Here I am, someone who would self-identify (and be identified by others) as a conservative, family-minded Evangelical Christian who is intellectually convinced that sex is for marriage, and yet: 1) I can’t fully regret the fornication in my past because if I hadn’t had those experiences to give me perspective now, I’d be in a much worse place psychologically and think I was completely unlovable by other normal human beings, or I’d be more likely to divorce to try to remarry so I could experience a healthy sex life, and 2) I can’t in good conscience recommend LEGAL marriage to my son or any other guy (with certain exceptions I’ll have to save for another entry). Ladies, you might find that second one offensive. Yes, I’m fully away my wife’s situation is not typical and there are some women out there who are consistently great wives and mothers, but the risk is too high, and the laws and courts enable women to ruin husbands. Even the best wife and mother can become destructive and hurtful with a hormonal problem or a brain injury. Dr. Laura has indicated that 40% of first marriages end in divorce. I just heard author Rabbi Shmuley Boteach say a third of marriages are sexless. In considering the remaining percentage of marriages that don’t end in divorce, aren’t sexless, yet are often unhappy or troubled, then the odds are NOT in favor of lasting, happy marriages in which the spouses are faithful.

The Sick Irony of the Isla Vista Mass Murder

... is that had that evil waste of human potential who carried it out lived, he would have had female groupies, maybe even marrying one of them as he served or awaited his sentence. Guys who rape, torture, and murder kids get female groupies.

Complain about misogyny and the NRA all you want, and tweet #YesAllWomen, but remember that there are women who CHOOSE to worship evil guys like this murderer. How about addressing that?

How about addressing women who CHOOSE to stay with with abusive guys, not only risking themselves, but their children?

No, no guy should beat, rape, or murder a woman or anyone else. No, severely mentally ill people shouldn't have guns. Violently mentally ill people shouldn't even be out and about.

This is not about rape culture or gun culture. It is about allowing evil people and violently mentally ill people to give off warning signs and still remain free.

A New Attitude

I need to stop yelling at my wife and kids.

If for no other reason, my kids need one good parent who doesn't abuse or neglect them, and instead will protect them.

I think I know how I’ll be able to. In addition to all of the advice I have been gleaning from multiple sources, some personalized, I have decided that a significant problem has been my expectations. I've been frustrated because I expected my wife to be a functional, effective wife and mother. I expected this because she was eager to be a stay at home mother and I was glad she was eager to be, and that was the plan long before we married. I also expected it because she had been able live on her own and to work full time with children, and was educated in caring for children, child development, nutrition, etc.

But my expectations were not built on the whole truth, because I didn't know the whole truth. I'm not excusing my yelling, just explaining it. My expectations led to my frustrations which led to my yelling. Changing my expectations will be one the factors and that will allow me to stop the yelling. So far, I have restrained myself multiple times due to this shift in expectations.

Who Has Time For Hobbies With All of These Appointments?

I've been seeing a therapist for a while. In addition to that, my wife and I have been, together, seeing a different therapist who has a lot of experience in dealing with situations in which one parent has a disability and the kids are acting out. This second therapist we sought to help us with our parenting because we’re apparently doing a horrible job.

There were a few simple things the therapist told us to do in order to help our marriage because the marriage is the foundation of the family, so this will eventually help our family dynamic. One was having a date night at the bare minimum of once per month. Another was sitting together and being together for a mere fifteen minutes in front of our children, without allowing the demands of the children or them demonstrating cage fighting techniques on each other to interrupt this time together. With weeks behind us since that those suggestions given, we haven’t done either.

We haven't done the second one because when I'm home and awake and the kids are home, my wife takes the opportunity to take time to herself.

We haven't done the first one because my wife prefers to put off doing chores until my family has our kids. OK, so my wife doesn't want to go out. How about some lovemaking? No, why would she want to that more than once per week? It's only minimally enjoyable for her because of the medication cocktail she'll be taking the rest of her life. Well, at least I can catch up on some desperately needed sleep, right? Uh, well... no. My wife had errands for me to run. That's my fault, I will admit. Instead of thinking of what would make her life easier, I should have told her "HELL NO I will not run errands, I'm going to get some sleep. You run the errands while I'm working the kids are still with my family." But I didn't.

My wife knows I'll eat one way or another, so she doesn't make a point to care if I eat.

My wife doesn't care if I'm extremely tired and not working to my potential. It doesn't cross her mind, I'm, sure, as long as the benefits are paid for and the bills are paid.

She could turn it around (and has) to say I have no idea what it is like living in her body. Which is when I want to scream with every ounce of energy I have left, "YOU CHOOSE TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN. JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SET UP THIS SITUATION FOR CHILDREN!!!" She thinks the kids should just suck it up and have a limited life because their mother is disabled. Because their mother chose to become a mother knowing she was disabled and then experimented with treatments, leaving her a lot worse off than when we were dating.

The issues with the physical disability are bad enough, but there is no way I would have married her and had children with her if I knew of her mental health history (more of which has come out in the therapy) and her apparent need for ongoing medication for that. I didn't know because neither she nor her family were open with me about it before I married her, probably because they knew I wouldn't have married her.

I've been getting closer and closer to yelling the statement in caps up there two paragraphs up. The closest I came was when I congratulated her on getting what she wanted (to be a wife and mother), at the height of one family meltdown or another.

She has been saying to me what I've been thinking about her current effectiveness as a wife and as a mother, but when she says it I don't have the heart to explicitly agree. Instead, I tell her what she does right/well, or I ask her why she is saying what she is. I neither agree nor deny her statements. I don't want to deny them because, well, they're true, or at least I think they are.

Even though we don't have the money for it, we've been more or less replacing her with surrogates. We haven't sat down and verbalized that is what we're doing, but it is pretty much what we've been doing, slowly but surely. Of course, this does not extend to sex. Her responsibilities as a wife and mother are being increasingly offloaded onto others. Well, actually, mostly mother. I can survive without a wife, so the needs of the kids are what take priority.

At this point, without some sort of dramatic improvement in her physical condition due to finding the right treatment (or reverting back to the treatments she used to get), I don't see how we're going to avoid moving in with someone or having someone move in with us.

How does a therapist help a man deal effectively with staying in a difficult situation that he's in because he fell for fraud and misrepresentation? How does a therapist help a man deal with the fact that his own government will force him to support, for the rest of his life, the person who perpetrated this? How does a therapist help a man deal with the fact that all of this is cheating his kids out of the childhood he intended to give them?

And You Are...?

I can't help but ask, "And who appointed you to the position of deciding this for my sex?" whenever I hear a woman, no matter how much I admire her, publicly proclaim "Here's a list of the qualities of a real man." or something of the sort. If she's doing it in private to a boy she's raising, fine... but public pronouncements of that sort leave me shaking my head. Be honest, lady. Say "These are the qualities that turn me on in a man" (of course we know what women SAY turns them on and what actually does are often two different things) or "These are the qualities in men I think are beneficial to society." It is especially amusing if they say a "real man" is one who takes all sorts of crap from women and gives up all his hopes and dreams and works his ass for people who never appreciate it, but take it for granted.

You Know It Is Bad When

You know it is bad when you wonder if life would have been better for you and your children if you'd had not stopped your wife from committing suicide a year and a half ago.

If it came down to it, I know I would intervene and jump through all of the hoops all over again to save her from herself, because that's just who I am.

But sometimes, when I'm away from home for several hours and she's been quiet rather than sending me texts, I wonder if she has done herself in intentionally or accidentally, and if that would be so bad. My primary concern about that would be the kids being there and being distraught, or that she would have harmed the children.

We are getting already, and seeking the help of more, professionals. This is not how I wanted to spend my time and money, but this is how it is.