Why Your Husband Isn't Pursuing You

...Or is outright rejecting you.

Dr. Laura recently [this entry has been bumped up from August 2017] had a call of the day that was about a married couple not having sex. The caller was the wife and she wanted to know what to do. Her show's Facebook page linked to it, and many very revealing comments were left there.

Jamie's husband works all day and when he comes home, he is too tired for sex. What can Jamie do to bring the spark back?

Let's look at some of the comments:

A Detrimental Partnership

Some things in your life, you do well. You know a lot about those things, maybe from experience, maybe from formal education and training, maybe from educating yourself. You do those things well and will likely be able to do those things well until you die or unless you get serious dementia.

Imagine if someone came into your life who clearly, objectively, provably, wasn't very good at doing one of those things, or at least nowhere near as good as you, yet you now were compelled to partner with them in the matter, meaning they would get to make a lot of the decisions, or you were expected to clear every significant decision with them.

This is what can happen when a man who has his financial act together marries.

A Lack of Marriageable Women

Dr. Laura says everyone wants to be married, or at least be with someone, and in her world, that's the same thing. Something is wrong with people who don't. But she also has said the qualities a woman must have to be marriageable and has chastised men for marrying women who don't have these qualities.

This will especially help you if you call her up and she wants to know why you're not married, or not marrying the latest woman in your life.

These things disqualify a woman from being wife material according to Dr. Laura.

Out of the Age Range - If she is 27 or under, she's automatically not wife material yet. If she's more than ten years or more younger (or older... probably fewer years older) than you, she's out of the age range. A woman who is over 40 should not be having children.This will eliminate literally most women.

Has Minor Children - Single mothers, divorced mothers, and almost as much when it comes to widowed mothers, are to raise their children, who've already suffered a loss or a broken home. They shouldn't bring their new lovers around their children, and that precludes marriage until the children are grown. Many women 28 or older have children (though fewer than in the past). This will eliminate another significant percentage of women from consideration.

Why People Want You To Marry

Men are told to get married.

If it weren't for the constant drumbeat of marriage sellers, there would be even more men joining the marriage strike than have already.

Boys are sold marriage from the earliest ages. It's in the media we consume from the earliest ages.

Why? Why do people want you to get married?

There are many reasons.

Some might have bought into the flawed claims that men are better off if they marry. That's almost never the real reason someone will urge you marry. Let's consider some of the reasons.

What Timing!

How amazing is it that so many people manage to find THE One to marry in such a narrow sliver of time?

Most first marriages happen in the 25-35 age range.

Wow, out of eight billion people (OK, four billion if we narrow it down by sex), out of 60 years of adult life, so many people manage to find that ONE special someone in a narrow window of time. Sure, a few people marry someone they've known since their childhood or adolescence, but most people (where marriages aren't arranged) marry someone they met just a few years, at most, before the wedding.

Let's be real.

Not only are most of those people "settling," many of them think they are settling, no matter what they say.

Yes, some really do feel like they have actually found THE ONE and are blessed beyond expectations.

And yet... within five, ten, fifteen years, how many of them have demonstrated otherwise? Bitterness, resentment, abuse, affairs, separation, divorce, on and on it goes. Clearly they weren't THE ONE.

Some Christians (and I expect followers of some other religions) pray for their child's "future spouse" from the time they know they are expecting. The problem with Christian doing that is there is no guarantee in the Bible that everyone will find a spouse. Wanting your child to marry when they are adults and praying for the people they will interact with in their life is fine, but it is presumptuous to speak as though they will get married (and I wouldn't wish what's called marriage today on any son of mine.) I wonder what these people do when the marriage doesn't last, and their child is facing remarriage. The person they prayed for is an ex or dead, and now their child is potentially marrying someone they never prayed for all those years.

As unromantic as it is, chances are, there isn't THE ONE. There are two people settling for each other, because they are pressured or because they think it is how to get what they want or how to get to what they should do.

The Horse is Out of the Barn and the Robot is Out of the Box

Grab some popcorn and some tea and peruse the panicked, hysterical shrieking of the controlling women and their enablers who can't stand the idea that more and more men will be enjoying robots that essentially amount to advanced dolls and sex toys. [This entry is bumped up because it is as relevant as ever.]

Technology is always going to be applied to sex, if there is any way it can be. This is human nature.

Sex dolls and sex robots or whatever you want to call them will never be effectively banned. Aside from the fact that prohibiting the private ownership and use of personal objects isn't practical, how exactly do you ban these things without banning a bunch of other things? How do you define a sex robot or a sex doll? Some men will stick their penises in knotholes in a plank of wood. Are you going to ban planks of wood? No. So, are you going to ban all robots? All dolls? All sex toys or masturbation aids? Any three-dimensional representation of a person?

Despite the futility, some women (and the men who enable them) are trying to ban these elaborate masturbatory aids.

Don't Date Women With Minor Children

The most popular entry on this blog, and it's not even close, is this entry warning men against dating single mothers.

It gets a lot of traffic and has received hundreds of comments (including from widowed mothers, who really need to read THIS.)

As is to be expected, a lot of angry comments came from single mothers. Others admitted what I wrote was true, even if they didn't like it. Nobody, though, demonstrated what I wrote to be false. That's because it is reality, like it or not.

I want to revisit the issue. Guys: If you're going to bother dating (or seeing for personal reasons) women, don't date women with minor children or dependent adult children or grown children living at home. They could be divorced women, widowed women, women who never bothered to marry. And if they're married or in a relationship, no matter what they say about that relationship, it's not good to go there. So don't mess with mothers of minor or somehow dependent children. And if you're with one and don't have a kid with her, get out!

Maybe you think that eliminates too many women, but it really doesn't, especially if you're sticking to women in their twenties, which you can do no matter how old you are, if you play your cards right. Also, there are more and more women older than that who are childfree. "Fertility" rates are down.

The Dr. Laura Program Isn’t Therapy

Many people think of Dr. Laura as a psychologist or "shrink." She was a trained, licensed therapist with a private practice. But she has far, far more experience as a radio talk show host (and author, columnist, etc.)

Something both callers, to, and listeners of, The Dr. Laura Program should remember is that she's almost never doing therapy on the program.

Aside from selling advertising and subscriptions, the program primarily exists for Dr. Laura to teach her opinions to the audience. She has said so. The reason she's doing this on the radio rather than in private practice is that she is reaching a mass audience.

Sometimes - even often - callers are helped, but that’s not the top priority. Indeed, she often tells callers she can’t help them, even when she sometimes can. There are the rare occasions she leads the caller through something therapeutic, but otherwise the program is not therapy. Far more often, though, the callers are there to serve as a warning to listeners.

Listeners range from unquestioning sycophants to perpetual critics who “hate listen.” Somewhere in the mix are gawkers who do the audio equivalent of staring as if looking at a train wreck. Some consider Dr. Laura a shock jock: focusing on where she disagrees with the caller, yelling, constantly interrupting callers even after she asked them a question and they were starting to answer- and often chastising the caller for "talking over" her, repeatedly yelling “woo-hoo,” pounding on a desk with her gavel or fist while frequently employing words and phrases like “humping,” “unpaid whore,” "piece of s---," and “limp d—-.” But she insists what she’s doing is a program to help people, not a show.

She’s there to give her set of teachings I’ve collected together and called The Dr. Laura Plan, and make negative examples out of anyone who didn’t follow it. There's a lot about the plan that is great. But Dr. Laura, who often mentions it's better to start children in Kindergarten at age six, questions why someone is still living at home at age 18 (6 + 13 years of school = Age 19). Her advice about when to marry and saving sex for marriage means faithful followers will reach about age 30 before they first have sex. And the world would rapidly depopulate if people only married and had children under her blessing.

Something listeners must keep in mind is that it's one thing for callers to agree to her advice during their call, but it can be a far different thing for them to follow through and live it out, especially when it involves radically changing their life or stopping sex in a relationship that's been established as sexual. Also, Dr. Laura controls the microphone. Letters claiming her advice didn't work (or, that she didn't understand the caller but jumped to conclusions) aren't going to make it onto the program, and if a caller somehow manages to make it through and get a "bad review" onto the air, she can say they didn't actually follow her advice, and then prevent them from saying any more.

Control is very important to Dr. Laura, and she will control the program in order to deliver and reinforce her message. That extends to what kind of situation someone can call about. Notice that, as common as it is today for parents, grandparents, etc. to struggle with a teen or young adult claiming to be transgender or nonbinary, you will never hear a call on her program pertaining to that. Clearly, she doesn't allow such calls, and has told her screeners not to let them through. She hasn't mentioned this to the audience.

So, you're not going to get therapy on the Dr. Laura Program unless she has the time, wants to give it you, it can be done over the phone, and it would be applicable to your particular situation. You are far more likely to be cited as a positive or negative example to listeners, which is the real reason you can call her toll-free.

She can still help you about certain things if you call, though, and if you listen you can get much insight into human behavior and relationships.

Common Marital Mistakes

Let's look at an entry on the Dr. Laura Blog about "marriage mistakes all couples make", which I'd cynically say starts with getting married in the first place. [This entry bumped up from April 2017]

1. Screaming.There is absolutely no justification for yelling at your spouse. If you’re upset about something, count to 15, and then calmly express yourself.

Guilty, guilty, guilty. I am. It's one reason I'm in therapy. I don't want to scream. My my wife would scream at me if she could. She does the equivalent through texts. One time in particular I screamed at her was when the kids were away for the night and I'd jumped through all of the hoops and I was hoping for some long-overdue lovemaking, and she made it clear it wasn't going to happen, basically because she didn't feel motivated to do it.

Yes, I screamed at her. I screamed at her that I was tired of being crapped on and rejected. I screamed that there were women who'd actually wanted me and it was a rotten thing to do to marry me when she didn't. Yes, I'm guilty. [It has been a long time since I last screamed. I'm a beaten dog and realize that I just have to endure, at least for now. - August 2022]

2. Ignoring. If you’re actually too upset to talk, just say, “I’m not ignoring you. I just need to take a little time-out to pull myself together, and then I’ll be good to go.”

I've never, ever ignored my wife. She has ignored me many times, and you know what? The more she ignores me, the better! It means less stress for me, less work for me.

Well, let me qualify that. It's OK as long as she's not going to be home alone with the kids, because then her ignoring me could be an indication that she's having a psychotic break.

3. Trying to agree on everything. Coming to a complete consensus on every issue is not going to happen.

Are you paying attention, guys? There will be disagreements, including unresolved disagreements. Do you really want to legally and financially bind yourself to such a situation?

If you have a difference of opinion, ask yourselves who cares more or is impacted the most. Then let that person make the decision and take the responsibility. However, if you’re not willing to accept the responsibility for something, you can’t bitch about it later.

Yeah, here's what happens with us. My wife will announce or request something. If I disagree, well, that's too bad. She's going to go ahead anyway. I might ask her questions, especially about the possible problems that might result from her decision, and she'll usually accuse me of being pessimistic and raining on her parade. Then, later, when what I was concerned might happen does happen, I'm stuck dealing with it because my wife will say she can't and that she didn't know things would be that bad. The one exception is that she wanted to keep homeschooling, and has wanted to return to homeschooling, but we put the kids in private school and have kept them there, but it was because a couple of experts, including one we needed to sign off on the homeschooling, said my wife wouldn't be able to keep doing it.

4. Making assumptions. Don’t assume anything! If you want to know something, ASK.

Generally good advice, but it can also be helpful to think through what the likely possibilities are before or without asking. Sometimes you'll realize you don't really care all that much and so there is no point to asking.

5. Not communicating. A lot of problems can be avoided if you simply talk to each other.

In our case, the less communication, the better. If she's not communicating with me, then I'm not being given more tasks to do, hearing about how I'm wrong or insufficient in some area, or how much sex is a burden to her. Or I'll hear less about some inane TV show I don't care about. So it's good if she communicates less. And I'm better off if I communicate less, because talking with her rarely improves anything for me. Rather, anything I say can and will be used against me.

6. Lying. If you ever think, “Boy, I hope my spouse never finds out about this,” then don’t do it.

I'm generally for honesty, but really, not telling her things she doesn't need to know is fine, at least in our case.

Sometimes, a spouse has something wrong with them, so that if you tell them something innocuous they'll launch into a tirade and be in a bad mood for a couple of days. Sorry, honestly, especially volunteering something, isn't the best policy in that case.

7. Not making your spouse a priority. Your spouse needs to be adored and appreciated, and given affection, attention, and compliments. Get your pride and ego out of the way, and stop dwelling on what you should be getting.

Generally, yes. But at some point, when things are not right, mitigation is necessary. Let's take the example of a trauma center surgeon. She's there saving lives. And that's her priority. But if she never thinks about her own needs, as in "I really need to be relieved so that I can tinkle, then get something to eat," then she's eventually going to collapse. Making your spouse a priority without them doing the same thing can only last so long.

Why Isn't There Running Game Advice For Husbands?

You may have noticed that my series of posts here about Running Game are addressed to men who aren't married and aren't in supposedly exclusive relationships.

That's because running game explains how to have more fun for less cost and hassle, and is very much about using and retaining power and freedom.

Husbands don't have power.

Husbands don't have freedom.

Husbands have signed away more than half of their income.
Husbands can only have fun when the wife is willing.

The wedding is game over.

I mean, if your wife agrees to an open marriage (or, you cheat, which I generally think is a terrible idea) you can run game. Your wife can even help you do it. But what are the odds of that? Or it lasting? There are also wives who let their husband have some semblance of power and freedom, but that's entirely voluntary on her part and can be rescinded at any time. It's like allowing a dog to go to the ends of a very long leash. He's still on a leash.

There are self-styled gurus, usually authors and/or vloggers/bloggers, who purport to teach husbands how to lead their wife or get what they want from their wife. Ultimately, though, she doesn't have to go along with any of it, and unlike when a man is free, he’s either stuck with her or she’s going to destroy him using family law. If some wives choose to go along with the program, great! But legally/financially and socially, she has the power. This is one reason why most marriages fail. Most women find the reality a turn-off.

If you're not married, don't marry. But if you are married, the best you can hope for is your wife voluntarily letting you take charge and get what you want.

How to Prevent Domestic Violence, Cheating, and Divorce

This is how you can prevent domestic violence, cheating, and divorce:

Do not marry.

Do not live together.

Do not promise nor expect exclusivity.

Free Men who want to remain free men in good standing do not engage in rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence, stealthing, stalking, or revenge porn.

Free men, if they want sex, run game, which ensures that they don't waste time with women who do not want sex. Free men do not marry nor live with women. Free men do not agree to exclusivity. This prevents domestic violence, cheating, and divorce. It also prevents rape.

More men should be Free Men.

Don't Be This Guy

If they didn't have kids together, I'd call for someone to liberate this beaten dog of a man.

Emily Lefroy wrote this article that is somehow at nypost.com and not The Onion.

A mom-of-two has revealed how her husband’s addiction to porn almost ruined their marriage and tore their family apart — and is now desperately warning others to be careful of any secrets their partner may be hiding.

"Porn addiction" is a term used by grifters, charlatans, pushers of porn panic, and people whose partners are angry about them viewing porn. It is not a term used by serious mental health professionals.

Jourdan Kehr shared her story in an effort to warn others about the hidden secrets their spouses may be keeping from their wives, calling her own experience “truly unbearable.”

From the looks of it, she shared her story to try to humiliate at least one other person and to get herself attention.

Kehr had had a hunch something was off with her partner, but what she discovered on his phone, an old video of two people having sex open on his screen, she described, was “truly unbearable.”

“I couldn’t stop shaking and I felt like my soul had left my body,” the photographer, from West Virginia, US, told NeedToKnow.co.uk.

“I didn’t know how to go on and I didn’t know how it was possible for any human to survive being in this much pain,” she admitted. “It made me physically ill for months.”

There was a problem alright. She might be mentally ill or have a personality disorder.

She mistreated her husband.

While Kehr, who shared two children, aged five and one, with her husband of nine years, believes it’s normal to find other people attractive, she deems it “unfaithful” to lust and fantasize after them sexually.

Then just about every married person is unfaithful, by that definition. The only way a healthy man doesn't fantasize about other people is if he is actively, constantly trying to avoid it, and never screws up. Dr. Laura and Dennis Prager, both very strong about marriage, fidelity, and "traditional values" would both say this woman's behavior and standards are problematic.

Now, couples can set their own rules. If they mutually agree that using media can be "unfaithful," then that's up to them. Of course, I would tell a man to never ever agree to such relationships. If he does, however, he should specify what she isn't allowed to look at, too.

Five months after Kehr’s devastating discovery, the couple are now in a much better place, crediting copious sessions with therapists, support groups and sexaholics anonymous as helping them get through.

What a farce. That poor man. I hope he does a better job of hiding it until the kids are grown.

“The porn industry is corrupt and I hope that with time, more men will wake up to the very real dangers of porn on their mind, body and relationships,” she said.

Go ahead and name an industry that isn't "corrupt." The garment industry is "corrupt," but I bet she doesn't make all of her clothes from scratch.

“I don’t want to shame men or women for viewing pornography,” she continued.

"It's cheating and it's corrupt, but I don't want to shame people." Get out of here with that crap.

According to a study by The Recovery Village, 10% of U.S. adults admit to having an addiction to internet pornography. 20% of them are men and 17% women.

I couldn't believe that line was still in the article when I retrieved it. The implication is that 63% of porn "addicts" are not men nor women. They are genderless, or something.

It's too bad the article didn't include comments from some good therapists.

Unmarried ladies: If you can't handle the fact that a man is going to notice other women, depictions of other women, and fantasize about other women, don't marry a man.

Wives: If your reaction to normal male sexual nature in your husband who isn't having an affair is anything close to this woman's reaction, you need some serious help.

Men: Don't be this guy. If you haven't married, don't. If you're married with minor kids, and your wife hasn't indicated she'd be rational about this, hide it from her and don't be careless about it, at least until the kids are grown.

Do Married Men Get It More and Better?

Marriage sellers will often say married people have more and better sex than unmarried people.

Unmarried men should not fall for this.

Stop reading now if you don't want the brutal truth.

Another in a Long Line of Articles Confirming What We Already Knew

In the opening of her Tuesday, February 7, 2023 program, Dr. Laura opened up reading from and adding to an essay written by a "BJ Foster." Dr. Laura didn't want to say the initials "BJ," even though she says penis, vagina, ejaculate, whore, hump, orgasm throughout her programs. Anyway the essay is "Five Reasons Your Wife Doesn't Want Sex."

We already know why.

Either she doesn't want it or she wants to punish or manipulate us.

When I heard what the topic was, this is what I wrote:

-They already have you
-They aren't attracted to you
-They don't have the same drive
-Everything kills their moods
-Hormonal shifts

You'll see how right I got it.

Too Few Friends?

 

Supposedly, people today have fewer actual friends; too few.

Friends can be good for many reasons. They can keep you in check, give you feedback, back you up, keep tabs on you, give you perspective, open your mind, enable experiences, connect you to job opportunities, and so much more. Some people will say a spouse can do those things, too. I switch that around. A friend can do many things a spouse might do, so you don’t need a spouse, and unlike a legal spouse, you can get rid them without paying if they become harmful.

If you need (more) friends, there are many ways to find some. But first, who is friend material to you?

A friend should be someone you’re not ashamed or embarrassed to be associated with or seen with. They mean well for you and you for them. Your relationship isn’t based on one of you trying to get something from the other, other than companionship, emotional support, and good times. They are someone you can trust to a reasonable extent. They aren’t a bad person as people go. They are someone you might want to share a meal with, exchange gifts with, share experiences with, confide in, do favors for. While charity can be something one provides for a friend, a chronic charity case is just that, not a friend. Friends aren’t projects.

If they’re someone who aggressively assaults or abuses, steals, causes trouble for less than noble reasons, is a drain on your energy or finances, is a junkie or drunk, or is friendly with you because they’re trying to convert you to their cult or MLM scheme, that’s not friend material.

They don’t need to be the same race, ethnicity, religion, or political affiliation as you.

Think about what you’re hoping to find in a friend. Is it someone you can play games with? Watch sports with? Hunt with? Listen to music with? Try new restaurants with? Look for women with? Ride motorcycles with? Restore classic cars with?

This is assuming you truly want new friends. Maybe you’re already happy with how things are and you don’t have time for new friends. But if you do have time or can make it, and you think it would be good, then you can make it happen.

Think about that, and in another post I’ll write about where to find friends.

Share This Blog

I hope you notice and appreciate that this blog doesn't have ads, nor do I ask for or accept money.

This blog exists for me to think things through, vent, and hopefully help others.

If you have found anything here helpful, insightful, informative, or entertaining, please let others know this blog is here.

Copy and paste from this blog as much as you want, as long as you don't distort or misrepresent what I write here. It's great if you link back to the blog post when you do that, but in situations in which it is best for you not to, like when you're breaking up with someone, I understand if you don't.

I'd appreciate it if you would spread the word or continue to spread the word by linking to this blog in emails, social media, forums, wherever.

I can help more people that way.

So please, share this link: https://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com

Know Thyself

Anyone can benefit from doing this, but this is especially for anyone who is one or more of the following:

• Young
• Considering further education or declaring a major
• Looking for a job or to change jobs
• Looking or a new place to live
• Getting out of a marriage or relationship or considering it
• Feeling like you're in a rut or making no progress in your life 
• Facing or considering retirement
  

Believe it or not, your time is limited. To figure out what you should be doing, you really need to understand yourself well. Know thyself.

You're going to need some peace and quiet to do this. No distractions. You'll need time to think, to ponder, to reflect. You'll need to be alone. No spouse, no girlfriend, no friends - alone. No movies, no television, no social media, no books, etc. You want to be alone with your thoughts.

You might need to get a hotel room or motel room. You can only do this at home if you're really, really disciplined in being able to ignore and avoid distractions, and nobody will reach you.

High School Reunions and Keeping in Touch With Classmates

Does your high school class have reunions? Does your high school have general reunions or have an alumni association that does? Should you go to them?

With social media, we can keep in touch with any classmates or fellow alumni we want to. Still, there can be a social dynamic that happens with in-person mingling with a wider mix of classmates that can't happen on social media or meeting up with just a few classmates.

Obviously, if high school was hell for you because you had few friends or positive acquaintances, you don't have a good reason to go - other than to show off and rub it into the faces of those who mistreated you or rejected you that you're successful/happy now, if you are.

That brings me to three reasons why you might go, in no particular order.

1) To hook up

2) Business networking

3) To show off

If you'd have to travel, you have to think if it is worth it. Reunions, like Proms, have been given mythical status by Hollywood, but for most people they don't amount to much of anything.

Have a bunch of old friends you want to get together? You can set that up outside of an official reunion.

Whether wanting to hook up, get a job, or sell something, you can have an edge simply because you went to the same high school (which usually means, simply because of where your parents chose to live at that time).

Let's talk about hooking up.

Is Fake Bad?

"Marriage is real. Porn is fake."

That was tweeted out by a Twitter account that is constantly warning people about porn.

The way this is worded implies a person's choice is to either be married or watch porn. Or, if we're being really generous, that their can put their energy into their marriage or they can put it into porn. The most plain reading is that marriage is good because it is real, porn is bad because it is fake. It's a contrast between the two.

We could just as well say:

"Work is real. Action movies are fake."

Media is fake. Even much of "reality" television, even documentary movies, are "fake" in the sense that they can't give a full view of reality.

Here are some other things that are "fake":

Not Inherently Hateful

If a woman says something like "Marriage as it is now isn't for me. In fact, I'd prefer to live by myself and not have a boyfriend or partner. Maybe I'll date. But I'd prefer to be independent and make my own decisions. I don't like the general culture's approach to romantic relationships. I'll do my own thing."

Would you call that woman a sexist? A hater? A white supremacist? A reactionary? An extremist?

Do those questions confuse you? They should.

Red Flags

I generally advise against marrying, shacking up, or getting into exclusive relationships. But if you're going to do any of those things, especially if you're going to have children with a woman, there are some red flags to look out for if you insist on doing these things with a woman.

Basic Incompatibility. If your major goals, worldviews, lifestyles, strengths/weaknesses, or personalities are incompatible, then you're not a match, no matter how attractive you find her or other ways she impresses you. If one of you wants to have a lot of children and the other doesn't want to have any children, that's a red flag. If one of you is an atheist who is highly suspicious or dismissive of clergy and the other is a Christian who turns to a pastor when dealing with problems, that's a red flag. If one of you wants to live in a high rise in a big city and the other one wants to live on a farm with no town center in sight, that's a problem. If you both need to be the dominant person in the relationship, it ain't gonna work. If you are both disorganized or bad with money, it's a nightmare waiting to happen. You might have a wild fling, but this isn't a person with whom you should make babies, or live, or marry, or pledge exclusivity. You might not think religion matters that much, but it becomes much more important when you have kids, or at least when you share a residence and finances and are legally responsible for each other. Also, don't think you can give up your goals and be happy about it.

Note that the above are determined by who you are and what you need and want. The below are generally applicable regardless of who you are.

She Has Minor Children. Nope, nope, nope!!!

She's a Coworker or Working in the Same Company, Location, Profession, or Industry. It is FAR too risky for man to even compliment a woman under these circumstances. Even if she won't file allegations of sexual harassment, discrimination, or worse, someone else could merely because they heard or saw you together. A bad breakup will mess up your career. Do not date any woman with a nexus to your job.

A Question for Men Who Are Or Have Been Married

If you knew before you married what you know now about how she does/did things or handles/handled things, would you have married her?

It may be about how she parents the kids; maybe you don't like what she's done with them. But if you're happy to have your children, don't let that be the reason you come down on the side of "Yes, I would have married her." You could have had the children without marrying her. Think about how she treats you, how she handles life, independent of being a mother to your children. If she already had kids, they can be part of the consideration. How has she been or how was she as a wife? What has it been like dealing with any of her baggage? Knowing what you know now, would you have married her?

I ask because I was thinking about the sex life I have with my wife. If we'd had a sex life like this before we married, we never would have married. I wouldn't have married her. Having a great sex life was very, very important to me.

Women file the significant majority of the divorces, so it's not necessarily a given that a divorced man would say "Of course I wouldn't have married her!" For those of you whose wife divorced you, also add to your answer if you would have married her based on what the marriage was like before the divorce.

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Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 2

See the first entry in this series here for a bit of explanation.

Marriage matures people/makes them better/turns them into grownups.

The only evidence provided for this that I've heard is Dennis Prager asking married and divorced people if marrying made them more mature/better people.

That means he's asking people "Did something you chose to do make you a better person?" Do you think there just might be a reason for many people to say yes, even though the answer is no?

People are reluctant to say something that cost them a lot of time, effort, and money that they chose to do didn't improve them.

Dennis doesn't try this approach with college attendance, which he says, in almost all cases, makes people worse. If he were to ask most people who attended college, especially people who finished their degrees, if it made them better people, they'd say yes.

Time, age, and struggle can mature people. If people really want to take on voluntary struggles, they can find ones better to choose than marriage. People can and do mature without marriage. Cut out the middleman/middlewoman and seek maturity through other means. Don't sign a terrible state contract.


If you don't marry, your life will be empty and meaningless.

There is more than one way to answer this.

A) My life as a free man is already full and meaningful, so clearly this isn't true.

B) I'll take that risk.

C) Some married people kill their spouse. How full and meaningful is that?

D) Jesus and the Apostle Paul had full, meaningful lives without being married.


Not marrying is selfish.

There is more than one way to answer this.

A) Earlier you told me that marrying would make me wealthier and otherwise better off. Wouldn't marrying on that basis be selfish?

B) If staying in my default state of being free and not signing a terrible state contract is what you call selfish, so be it. I'd rather be free and have you claim I'm selfish than enter into a terrible state contract and have you applaud me for it.

C) Refusing to sign a terrible state contract is smart. Marrying is usually delusional, ignorant, or masochistic.

D) If I'm a selfish person, I should definitely avoid inflicting myself on someone in a marriage.

E) Explain to me how you marrying was selfless. [Listen closely to what they say.] You could have done that without a terrible state contract.


Remember, men, your default state is being unmarried. The burden is on the marriage seller to explain why you should marry, not on you to explain why you won't sign a terrible state contract.

Read Part 3 here.

What Is the Marriage Strike?

 
The Marriage Strike is refusing to legally marry (or, refusing to legally marry again), and usually it also involves refusing to socially marry. More and more men are refusing to marry. That is a fact.

Why join the marriage strike?

There are many reasons, not all of which need to apply to you:

• You don't want to marry.
  
• Marriage is a bad deal for most men.
• Marriage is a bad state contract.
• Marriage brings the government further into your life. 
• Most marriages fail.
  
• Current marriage culture is misandrist. 
• Most marriage counseling, therapy, and popular advice is misandrist or otherwise terrible.  
• Men are punished for being husbands.
  
• A lack of wife material women.
• A lack of accountability for wives.
• Marriage doesn't help you reach your goals.
• Marriage brings guaranteed limitations, obligations, and risks with no guaranteed benefits you can't get without marrying.
  
• You prefer to retain power over your life. 
• You prefer to live alone.
  
• You prefer to stay free.
• You can't be sure the woman you'd marry isn't being trafficked into marriage. 
• If you're a Bible-following Christian, you can't be sure you wouldn't be unequally yoked if you married.
  
• And many more!
  

Dennis Prager Discussed Virginity

During his Male/Female Hour on his Wednesday, March 29, 2023 program, inspired by a previous caller, Dennis Prager asked callers about whether virginity was important in looking for a spouse and why. Dennis, who is in the middle of writing commentaries on the Torah (the first five books of the Bible), says while he thinks ideally intercourse should be saved for marriage, he "doesn't have the understanding that it is important in choosing a wife." Uh, well, I'll have to look up how he explains the Torah passages that have been cited as saying otherwise.

The first or one of the earliest callers was a woman whose son is 40 or almost 40, says he's intentionally kept this virginity, and he wants to marry a woman who has, too. Dennis asked if the son really does want to get married, and the caller related how her son had talked about wanting to be a husband and father, but some of the women he was interested in weren't interested in him, and vice-versa.

When Dennis found out that the caller was divorced from her son's father and is remarried, to a man who was also previously married, Dennis said "So it doesn't matter!" and encouraged her to point out to her son that she wasn't a virgin when she married a second time and neither was her husband.

What does Dennis mean that "it doesn't matter."? Any two people who are currently unmarried and aren't too closely related and are old enough to legally consent can get married. It doesn't make it a good idea! For all we know, the caller's marriage is terrible, or it will soon be. (Of course, that doesn't seem to be a problem for Dennis... divorce is no big deal to him other than it means people won't be married for a period of time.) People who beat each other can get married. Does that mean someone shouldn't seek to avoid a spouse-beater? There are always people who marry despite problems and red flags. It doesn't mean they should!

It's not unreasonable for someone who is looking to marry for the first time to want someone who has had the same lifestyle as them.

Dennis is so emotionally fixated on the idea that everyone should be married that he thinks people should abandon their standards.

He went on to encourage the caller to ask her son if God wants him to stay unmarried rather than to marry a woman who isn't a virgin. Dennis referred to "It's not good for man to be alone," which is from the Torah (and I argue is collective... none of us are alone now), but what about what the rest of the Torah says about choosing a wife???

Now, let's be clear here. I never had virginity as a requirement for a wife. If I got trapped in some silly "alternate life" movie that had me unmarried and I HAD to marry, I'd AVOID virgins. My advice to any man who is foolish enough to marry is to marry a woman who can at least pretend to want sex with grown men. And I warn women that men who are willing to "wait" might be gay, asexual, low drive, pedophiles, or dealing with some psychological problem.

But if a man or woman insists her spouse be a virgin, I don't try to talk them out of that, or any other standard they might have. Because I think it's fine for people to never marry.

One caller came close to articulating a logical reason clearly, but I don't think Dennis got enough good responses on the program.

It is important to note that the caller who inspired the hour was looking for women in their early 20s. He wasn't looking for a 45 year-old virgin. And based on what people have said, they want to marry a virgin because...

• That is what their religion teaches and they want someone who demonstrates adherence to the religion
• They see virginity as a special gift and if they're going to marry someone, they think they should be the ones to receive (and, as the case might be, reciprocally give) that gift
• If both of them are virgins, they will be at the same level of (lack of) experience
  
• They see it as a sign of self-control that will make it more likely their spouse will remain faithful and endure times in which there won't be sex
• They believe it reduces potential problems with jealousies
• They don't want their spouse remembering past experiences
• They don't want their spouse making comparisons to past lovers
• They don't want to be with someone who has "a reputation" or is the subject of gossip
• They don't want to bump into their spouse's past lovers
• Some people believe that people, especially women, have a hard time bonding well with a spouse if she has previously bonded this way with others
  
• Some women get bored of sex, and so her being a virgin means it will take longer for her get bored of sex with him
  
• Men don't want to pay or pay more for what other men have gotten for less or free
• Some men see it as problematic for their wife to have had another man's cells/DNA inside of her
• STDs
• Virgins haven't had abortions
  
• Virgins don't have any biological children somewhere out there
  

I find some of those reasons to be silly or downright contrary to facts, and you likely do, too, but since Dennis asked the question, I wanted to provide the answer. Those aren't MY reasons, but reasons I know others have.

I wouldn't advise a man look for a virgin to be his wife. But I wouldn't advise most men look for a wife. Men who are just looking for hookups, booty calls, or even just "a girlfriend" should avoid virgins. Sex is a learned skill.

You Don't Need a Bad State Contract to Raise Children

Here's what matters to children:

• Being fed and clothed with a roof over their head.
• Being able to play and learn.
  
• Having adults who listen to them and give them attention, comfort and care about them, protect and advocate for them more than anyone else, give them love and affection, affirm their worth as human beings.
• Having people with more life experience than them, who know what it is like to grow up, helping them deal with life.
  
• A sense of belonging and stability.
• Having a positive male role model who loves them.
  
• Having a positive female role model who loves them.
  

It doesn't hurt your children if you don't have a marriage license on file with the county or state. It doesn't hurt them if you're not wearing rings, you don't have wedding pictures on display in the home, and you don't celebrate a wedding anniversary.

Those who say the bullet points above are more likely under an intact, legal marriage (and I used to be such a person) are neglecting to account for the fact that, traditionally, people who get along well with each other, want to live together, and commit to parenting were also likely to marry. It isn't that getting legally married did anything at all for the children. The main way legal marriage might, in some cases, make the bullet points more likely to be fulfilled is in keeping a husband/father from leaving while the children are being raised because he knows family law and family courts are likely to beat him nearly to death.

Men, you can't ensure children get that last bullet point. The more wealth you have, the more you can ensure the other bullet points, especially if no woman has parental rights to your children.

If you have found a great woman who seems to be compatible with you and in agreement with you about how to team up with you to provide all those things to the children, and she stays devoted to doing so, that would be wonderful for the children, but there's no way of being absolutely certain that will be the case. Wives file the overwhelming majority of divorces. You have the power to decide YOU will be and stay devoted. You can't control what she does. She can leave, she can kick you out, she can divorce you, she can fight you in court, she can deny the children access to you and poison them against you, and the children will be deprived of many of their needs. Clearly, legally marrying does not keep women around. It is to keep you around, and you can decide to stay without getting married; but married or not, she can decide to send and keep you away.

The point is, even if you're determined to raise children, you legally marrying won't help the children because what matters is your presence, involvement, and determination to raise them, not the government paper. If you truly believe "Yeah, but maybe I'll change my mind and want to leave and having that government gun to my head will keep me there." ...then don't have kids.

If you have a great and willing sister or mother, it might be better to live with her or next to her so she can be the positive female role model. That would likely be more stable than a romantic relationship. Unless you use a legally donated egg and legally rented womb (that's expensive!) you can't set that up free from the interference of someone else, who'll have the power to ruin things. If your sister has her own kids, there's likely to be some conflict of interest there.

These are serious considerations. Deciding whether or not to conceive children is one of THE most important decisions you can make. Having children changes everything. They need involved parents. Do not have children just to dump them into daycare, boarding schools and summer camps, or the lap of a nanny.