Marriage Sellers Try to Fool Husbands Again

The marriage sellers at Institute for Family Studies are trying to fool husbands into telling their wife about their porn viewing preferences.

“One day when my husband left the house, I built up the courage to search our Internet history. What I found was a stark reality. I felt sick and numb, until the pain and the anger finally rolled in. I can handle a lot of things—but lying isn’t one of them.”

So she'd still be happy if she hadn't snooped, right? How about how violated he feels?

What have we learned from this, guys?

1) Don't marry or even live with a woman.

2) If you're going to ignore that first point, cover your tracks.

In a nationally representative study of couples in committed relationships, 37% of men reported more pornography use than their partner believed was occurring.

Emphases mine.

What that tells us is when the men know how often then can expect sex, 63 percent are viewing porn less or the same amount as their partner believes. Basically, 2/3rds. A significant majority.

In casually dating relationships, 43% of the men reported using pornography daily or every other day, while none of their partners reported awareness of that level of use.

One thing this tells us is that avoiding a "committed" relationship allows men much more privacy. It also tells us 57 percent of men who are in causal relationships aren't even viewing porn as often as every other day.

Notice we aren't told how often the men in supposedly committed relationships are viewing porn. Just that a minority of them are doing it more often than their partner thinks.

Viewers may reason that their private behavior concerns only themselves or hide their activity to prevent negative reactions from their partner.

And they are right.

However, openness and honesty in a relationship—transparency—is about more than pornography itself.

Oh?

You look terrible in that.

It's not what you're wearing that makes you look fat.

You look like crap in general these days.

We don't want to watch your stupid shows.

We don't want to deal with your parents or siblings.

We don't want to deal with your friends.

We're tired of making a big deal about February 14 and our anniversary.

We mind a lot that you stopped doing that thing in bed.

How's that for honesty? And don't think I'm unaware that most women have terrible truths to say to men, too. We know you think you settled.

One of the vital elements of relational well-being is secure attachment, or a partner’s ability to view the relationship as safe and dependable.

How is that possible when most relationships end?

Besides being a matter of relationship ethics, keeping intimate information and behavior from one’s romantic partner, especially when it touches upon the sexual realm, can erode relationship trust and couple intimacy, jeopardizing secure attachment.

Oh, that's a hoot. Like she's really told him everything about her sexual experiences.

Sustaining secure attachment requires openness, honesty, fidelity, and trust.

OK, then most people aren't going to have sustained secure attachment. Most don't.

With men three to four times more likely to view pornography alone and leave their partners in the dark about it, pornography use is known to specifically impact the attachment trust of female partners.

Men are visual creatures. Women are far more likely to use a vibrator alone. Is it wrong for women to use vibrators alone and not volunteer to their partner how often they do?

Pornography’s scripts of eroticism, objectification, promiscuity, and misogyny combined with secrecy can significantly impair attachment for both partners.

Oh, yes, it's the secrecy that makes it bad. It would all be fine with this folks if men watched porn but were upfront transparent about it, right?

Give me a break.

There's nothing wrong with eroticism. It's the whole point of porn!

"Objectification" is one of those words most people don't even really know the meaning of. All media objectifies.

Promiscuity? Ah, so, they'd be just fine with porn if the characters were all married to each other? Again, give me a break.

Misogyny? Sure, if you define that as women doing things men like.

As many as one-half of women in romantic relationships disapprove of pornography to some degree

Some because of articles like this. All the more reason to stay a Free Man.

and nearly one-third of engaged and married women consider pornography a form of marital infidelity

Guys, insist that her watching romantic comedies, soap operas, reality shows like The Bachelor, or princess fantasies is a form of infidelity.

When there is misalignment between behavior and expectations regarding pornography use, it can lead to stress and conflict in the relationship, with one in five engaged and married partners reporting such conflict.

Easy: Don't be in such a relationship. There will ALWAYS be "misalignments" including how often to have sex, when to have sex, how to have sex, and dozens of other things.

Among married couples in particular, relational distress from pornography use is significantly higher, as there is a firmer expectation for commitment and often deeper investment.

More marriages have been damaged by ovaryacting to porn than by porn.

Frequency of pornography use is predictive of relationship instability through lower levels of commitment, increased positive attitudes toward extramarital sex, and increased infidelity.

Translation: A guy who is being rejected or otherwise frustrated in his sexual relationship is more likely to watch more porn, leave the relationship, and understand how people could have affairs or not wait until marriage to have sex.

Some research has reported that mutual pornography use is associated with lower levels of distress, but the same research notes that couples who never viewed pornography together had the best outcomes across relationship quality measures.

Translation: People who are so religious that they won't watch or admit to watching porn together will also insist that their marriage is good no matter how bad it is, because they consider it a sin or negative confession to say otherwise.

Fear of conflict or relationship rupture is a principal factor discouraging disclosure, though this can be counterproductive to sustaining relationship stability. Hiding, denying, and lying is like buying pornography use on credit—the relationship debt is simply postponed, not avoided, with interest accruing daily.

1. Not if he's not caught.

2. In many marriages, if he's honest, she will fight with him about it. Then, he'll hide it from her, so the result of his honesty has been no different other than having more fights.

Conversely, the relational stressor of pornography use is mitigated when relational expectations of honesty and trust are met.

In many marriages, this won't be the case and men shouldn't expect it will be.

Women who discovered their partner’s pornography use viewed it as a “traumatic event,” experiencing emotions similar to women whose partner cheated on them.

Have you considered that someone who has such a reaction from finding out their husband has looked at pixels might have emotional or psychological problems?

Conversely, women whose partner came forward and disclosed their pornography use reported lower levels of distress and higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

Again, many husbands won't have a wife who reacts like that and shouldn't take this risk.

Additionally, men whose partner knew of their pornography use reported that it was easier to talk about sex with their partner, suggesting that honesty may moderate some of the negative effects of disclosure.

Uh, no. Wives who are reasonable and emotionally healthy are more likely to be the kind whose husbands can be honest about these things.

Given its prevalence, all couples can take time to have intentional discussions about pornography use.

Husbands, don't fall for this.

A couple therapist can help facilitate these crucial conversations, scaffolding safe couple interaction through any anxiety, fear, and distress.

Not if you go to one that makes a living blaming pixels.

Set desired individual and couple boundaries regarding pornography use.

How about any other media? Can a husband determine what a wife is allowed to watch? If you think that's controlling, then... well... yeah! How about telling her she can't dance with anyone else? Or go to a spa? Or have text/online conversations because the conversation your husband provides should be enough?

Guys, avoid this crap entirely. Stay free.

We don't need to be married. We don't need supposedly exclusive relationships. If you want us to enter those things, ladies, here are the choices:

1) Accept normal male sexual nature without punishing him, allowing him to be transparent.
2) Stay ignorant. Don't snoop. Don't ask.
3) Be with a guy who is abnormal, which will probably include abnormalities that you don't like.

Those are the options. Demanding he be transparent and then unreasonably punishing him isn't an option. Having him deny his natural enjoyment of media because you're irrationally jealous of pixels is not an option.