Dating and Courting Are Not the Same Thing

I wish I had waited longer to finish up this entry about something Dr. Laura said on her show recently, because this past Tuesday (8/13/2019) she elaborated on her position about dates. I've been listening to her for decades and I don't remember her ever saying it so clearly. There might have been a couple of times I heard her saying the caller was dating a bum because he had gone on a date with someone else, but usually there were other problems with him, so I didn't catch it.

I agree with her on so much, but this is an area in which I think she's far too limiting and most of her listeners will not conform because it is generally understood that going on a few dates with someone doesn't make the people dating an exclusive couple; it is expected that they might be going on dates with other people as well, at least until they have a "define the relationship" moment, agree to be exclusive, or agree "we are girlfriend and boyfriend".

That's how it always was with any woman I dated, including my now-wife. My wife had the same understanding.



I'm pretty sure it was this way back in the 1970s, when Dr. Laura was last (for practical purposes anyway) single.

On this past Tuesday's show, Dr. Laura made it clear that her position is that people should only date one person at a time. If you've had just two dates with someone and you're probably going to have another, it would be wrong, in her view, to have a date with someone else. She considers it to be dishonest and dishonorable not to tell that person you've been on two dates with that you're going on a date with someone else later this week, and I think I inferred that, whether she was the first woman or the second woman, she'd be done with the guy even if he was forthcoming about it. (If that's the case, it appears like insecurity, as though she doesn't think she can compete, but that doesn't fit with everything else we know about her.)

I could understand if she considered sex to be integral to dating, but since she's against casual sex, that's not a factor.

I'm having a little trouble squaring this stance of hers with her statements on commitment and maintaining objectivity when choosing a spouse. One of the problems she cites with fornication and shacking up is losing objectivity in discerning if this person is your match. I'd think that would also be an factor if you'll only date one person as a time; if you stop seeing this person, you won't be going on any dates at all. So maybe you would keep dating someone who isn't a match because you want to go on dates? Also, if you are dating more than one person, you can have a "concrete" example if one is a better match for you than other. (Hmmm, the conversation with Joe isn't as good as the conversation with Jim.) Finally, wouldn't refusing to date others be a commitment to the person you're dating? Yet Dr. Laura denies it is a commitment unless there is a ring and a wedding date (past or imminent) and you haven't made a mistake in who you chose and are not shacking up.

If they don't have a commitment, how can it be wrong to date others?

I can understand she doesn't want to date someone who is dating others. But to say it is a rule that should apply to all is an overreach. What's more is that I'll encourage my own daughter to date more than one person at a time, and I'll also tell her to assume her dates are doing the same and that she isn't entitled to have them explain when and with whom they dating.

It sounds to me what Dr. Laura really wants and wants other people to do is courting. She has used that word fondly before, but I think it has been used interchangeably with dating. There should be a distinction, especially since we encourage spouses to date. In courting, someone would only go on dates with one person, with the man, who is prepared to finically support a wife and children, having consulted with her parents (if she's young and dependent) or siblings, if any.

Guys, whether you're looking for a wife or you're too aware to ruin your life that way, there is no reason to limit your dating (if you want to date) to just one woman if there are other women you want to do date and who want to date you, just as long as you don't actively lead any of them to believe you're only dating her. If you think you won't get dates if women think you're dating someone else, you are wrong. You don't get Dr. Laura, true, or anyone who has a similar stance. But most other women will still date you, and they'll try hard to beat what they see as competition. If you really do want to get married, despite what most of your fellow men have experienced, then it is likely that as things continue with a woman you (probably mistakenly) think is compatible with you, you'll spend more time with her and you will stop seeing other women and/or the woman will ask for exclusivity, and you will agree (probably foolishly). It is very, very rare that someone who is marriage-minded will end up deeply bonded simultaneously to two different dating partners who are equally compatible and enjoyable. The Bachelor isn't reality. Most people don't truly find one person with whom they are truly compatible; they just settle. At least until they stop settling and leave or drive their spouse away.