Avoiding Rattlesnakes is Good Sense

I saw a tweet go by from The Good Men Project. The headline was "5 Fears That Keep Us Single". The implication, given the account, was that if men want to be good, they should be in an exclusive relationship. I reject that. [This entry is bumped up.]

Anyway, as often is the case with these things, the link was to something what was posted months ago, in this case it was posted in November 2017. The article was originally from a matchmaking/dating website, so that tells you right there what some of the problem with it is going to be. What's more is that it was written by a woman.

But I didn't know that when I saw the tweet.

It made me think. What "fears" keep men single? Having a fear isn't necessarily a bad thing. People should fear live rattlesnakes to the point that they stay away from them. Fangs full of poison are usually going to be metaphor instead of fact when it comes to women, but yes, men do have some fears that rightly have them avoid relationships. Here are some:

• Fear of going for coffee and then, before you know it, being expected to buy tampons and hold purses.
• Fear of being expected to pay more to do the things we like.
• Fear of being expected to pay for things we don't want or won't use.
• Fear of paying her bills, especially on dates, only to have her hook up with a bad boy later.
• Fear of loss of social options.
• Fear of her incrementally moving in.
• Fear of false allegations of abuse.
• Fear of being kicked out of our own home and then being forced to pay for a woman who hates us to live there.
• Fear of being nagged for jewelry, a series of parties for her, and a contract that would be detrimental to us.
• Fear of dealing with another man's ill-behaved spawn.
• Fear of dealing with violent guys she (used to?) have sex with.
• Fear of dealing with her blathering on and on about inane things and problems she won't bother to attempt to solve, and nagging.
• Fear of dealing with her irrational, hormonal, moody, or mental illness-prompted behaviors.
• Fear of dealing with her annoying friends and family. 
• Fear of catching whatever "sexually transmitted" diseases she has.
• Fear of wasting time doing things we don't want to do, including pointless arguments.
• Fear of having her butching and blimping up and geting frigid once we've signed the state contract.
• Fear of losing control over one's life in general.

Those are just some.

But let's see what was written by Kriste Peoples.

Fear is like sugar: a little bit tastes good at first, it’s heady and sweet. But once you try to eliminate it from your diet, you’re a long way in and discover it’s in nearly everything you eat. In the realm of relationships, this analogy applies if you’re single and looking to change your status: fear is everywhere.

Ah, and looking to change your status. Most men should avoid changing that status.

I nodded, telling him how much I understood what he’d said, and that I shared his fear of winding up alone on account of being too comfortable in my own company.

So before she's gotten into the fears that keep us single, she's admitting fear of staying single.

She's doing lunch with a guy, and they seems to agree to meet again, and then he backs off. She figures it was fear. Well of course. I mean, what else could it be?

Not the healthy kind that saves us from fire and harm, but the kind that makes us second guess our hearts, doubt our desire and stay on the so-called safeside of risk where love’s concerned.

I'd say it is very healthy for most men to avoid exclusive relationships. Most don't really want them. They desire freedom.

Being single isn’t something to get over or cure like a band crush or grim diagnosis, but if being in relationship is what you want, yet you find yourself repeatedly stopping short at the same barriers to connection, then it’s important to pull the curtain on your patterns and see your fear for what it is.

An important phrase there is if being in relationship is what you want. There are men who have been told they need to be in a relationship, and some have bought into that even though it isn't really what they want, at least not with the women available. Unless we're a conjoined twin, being free is our default state. Nobody should be in a relationship because they think that's what is expected of them, or "everyone else is doing it", or anything other than a coherent, logical, rational, reason. If a man can't provide such a reason he shouldn't get involved in someone else's life or let them get involved in his.

Fear of abandonment.

Sure, there’s fear of other people leaving us, and we can trace it back to the womb or our lack of lap time, but what if this one has more to do with resistance to leaving your old crutches of excuse behind? Who might you be without them?

Huh? This is based on the premise that someone isn't functional and needs someone to rescue them. A man who has his act together would be forced to give up some things he likes. It's perfectly OK for him to say no to that.

Fear of ghosts.

Past partners who disappeared without so much as a backward glance. Old friends, teachers, bosses, and family members who didn’t seem to care enough to take you seriously. Negative voices from the past, when left unchecked, take up space in our minds and play loudly in our heads whenever we stumble. Over time, they can weigh so heavily until we unconsciously take on their voices as our own. The next time you experience this kind of haunting, remind yourself that it’s within your power now to decide what’s true for you—in love and every area of your life.

Uh, isn't that more about abandonment?

Fear of visibility.

Being in relationship—romantic or otherwise—means being in it, not longing from the sidelines and not smallerizing yourself when unsuitable prospects come calling. If you’re prone to measuring down or inflating your sense of self out of desperation to ‘have’ someone, you’re not allowing your real self to be seen. What would it take for you to trust that you’re actually enough already?

If you're enough already, you don't need anyone else.

Fear of fear.

It may seem ridiculous, the thought of fearing fear, but let’s not forget the value of healthy fear, the kind that backs us away from hot stoves and toxic people. Rather than being afraid you’ll overthink yourself out of your next chance at love—and thereby shutting down access to your own intuition and knowing—stay open to what your body (the ultimate barometer of feeling) is telling you. Did not Heart (the band) school us well on this one already? Listen to your heart and not to the voices of your former fearful selves of relationships past.

What about fear of fear of fear?

Fear of reality.

Getting ‘real’ is not for the feeble. It demands courage and presence to show up as youin a culture that overwhelmingly celebrates artifice. What I said earlier about smallerizing the self in order to fit in, appear normal and be accepted: it’s a thing. We’re all susceptible to it. But, to the extent we’re able to honor our own path as we go, and to extend compassion to everyone we meet on that road, the less fearful we’ll be when confronted with the reality that embodying our power will pose a challenge to those who don’t do the same for themselves.

I'm beginning to see why there wasn't a second date.

Fears that keep us from love also keep us from ourselves.

Actually, being in relationships often keeps people from themselves. They can't stand their own company, so they inflict themselves on someone else.

It’s about making healthier choices for ourselves in the moment.

For most men who aren't losers, that's avoiding relationships.

About the author

Kriste Peoples is a healing arts practitioner and writer who shares her take on the intuitive seeker’s life at her website, Honey Help YourSelf. She thrives in Colorado.

Um,  yeah.

Seriously, she probably has a lot of nice qualities. I hope she finds what she needs.

But since I'm here, how about I list a few fears that keep men seeking and trying to stay in relationships?

Fear of loneliness. Even Dr. Laura, who is a marriage advocate, says being lonely is voluntary in that people can make friends, volunteer, etc. The cruel reality is that even people in relationships can feel lonely, especially when a wife becomes rejecting or frigid.

Fear of being perceived as a loser. There are many sources of messaging that drill into our heads that a relationship is some sort of prize for jumping through the right hoops, and if you're not in one, it must be because you're a loser. It's a ridiculous notion, especially given that now, more than any time in history, we can lead productive, enjoyable, full lives without being in exclusive relationships and we can have whatever kind of social interaction or activity we want. Want to date a woman? We are free to do so, without handing over a herd of goats to her father.

Fear of dying alone. Everyone dies alone, unless your spouse dies the same moment you do. And what good is it if they do? You don't need to be in an exclusive relationship to have people around you as you're on your death bed. Be a kind. Make friendships. With good people.

Fear of being disinherited. Either implicitly or explicitly, the message has been handed down by parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles that unless you get married and crank out children, you're not going to get any or as much of the estate. To that, I say, "So what?" In most cases, if you avoid exclusive relationships and avoid having children, and invest well the money you save as a result, you'll amass more wealth then they'd hand down to you anyway. In addition, the freedom is worth it even if you would be giving up a sizable chunk of change. Speaking of freedom...

Fear of freedom. That may sound funny, but some people are more comfortable always having someone telling them what to do. It used to be their parents and their teachers. Now it's their boss and the woman in their life. These are the kind people who look to the federal government to solve their problems, or the kind of guys that go straight from their parents' basement into some foolish chick's apartment or trailer or her parents' home. If these guys ever do live on their own, they need semi-regular visits from their mother and sisters to survive. Guys who have their act together don't fear freedom. If I didn't have the obligations of being a husband and father to my wife and children, I would still have so much to do that I'd never ever be bored. I was never bored when I was unattached and childless. Freedom is not something to fear.

Some fears are helpful, some aren't. Don't let the fears immediately above cause you to make the mistake of getting into an exclusive relationship. You can live a good life without one.