Thursday, January 26, 2017

Does He Really Care?

I believe it was Dr. Laura's opening comments on her Monday, January 23 2017 show in which she listed and described ways to know a man loves you. If you listen to her or read her stuff, or follow this blog, you know that for her, dating is for discerning if you're a match for marriage. If you're in your late twenties or older, you're finding your spouse and you marry about two years after you start dating. (But keep in mind, if a guy is in his 40s and has never been married, he's probably not going to marry or probably not marriage material, and nobody with minor children should be dating seriously enough that the minor children meet their parent's new lover.)

So with that in mind, here's  Dr. Laura's list of signs he loves you, even if he hasn't SAID the words. Some of it might be slightly paraphrased from what she said:

You're having a bad day and he tries to turn it around, bringing sweetness into your life.
He remembers the little things you say and do.
What you say makes a difference to him.
He wants to know about your day.
He talks about his day.
He says and does cute little "nothings" (which Dr. Laura says are somethings).
He puts you first in front of his friends.
He wants to know more about you.
He loves to hold your hand.
He enjoys taking care of you  and wants to know you're OK.
He offers you a helping hand when you need one.
He remembers the special occasions.
He likes to be close, such as watching a movie and cuddling.
He wants to meet and know your family and to like them.

He talks about his dreams for the future, hints or talks about "our" future
He makes time for you.
Your opinion matters.
He can't stay mad at you for long.
He tells you what he likes about you.
He apologizes when appropriate.
He's very protective of you.
He touches you in subtle and loving ways.
He gets giddy.
He says nice things about you to others.



She's right. Notice she didn't say that you know he loves you because he wants to stick it in at least one orifice you have. That's because guys will stick it in a knothole of a wooden plank. Do you think we love wooden planks? But... to be sure, if you want a husband who'll have sex with you, you do NOT want a man who has no desire to get inside. So, if he seems like a "perfect gentleman" or like he's morally pure, be sure you're not getting yourself hitched to a guy who isn't interested in having sex, at least not with grown women. How you can be sure of this without actually fornicating or at least feeling or seeing that you get him aroused, I don't know.

The problem with the list above is that a man who behaves like that is going to be treated as a doormat by so many American/Anglosphere/Western women, who figure, "Why should I put any effort into this when I don't have to? This guy will do anything for me no matter what I do." It's a rare woman who'll be a good match for a guy who does those things.

So as I considered the described behaviors, it occurred to me how much of Tom Leykis' Leykis 101 advice is to do the exact opposite. That's because his advice is for the guy whose priority is getting a lot of sex and spending as little time, money, and effort to get it (and, thus, avoiding relationships, especially relationships heading for marriage). A Leykis 101 student who is following the rules meets you for drinks AFTER dinner or texts you and comes over to your house at night, does you, and leaves without cuddling or spooning or sleeping afterwards. He MIGHT bring some cheap wine and very cheap food over to your place, and other than condoms, that's it. He will not see you in daylight.

So let's go down that list again, with the order changed for convenience:
You're having a bad day and he tries to turn it around, bringing sweetness into your life.
He remembers the little things you say and do.
What you say makes a difference to him.
He loves to hold your hand.
He likes to be close, such as watching a movie and cuddling.
He talks about his dreams for the future, hints or talks about "our" future
He tells you what he likes about you.

He apologizes when appropriate.
The guy who wants sex-only from you will only do these things to initiate sex or keep sex going. He might talk about his dreams in so far as they imply he's going to get even more money, power, and/or fame than he wants you to think he has now. He's NOT going to talk about "our" future as in getting married, having kids, moving in together, etc. He might seem to tell you what he likes about you, but will only do so in a backhanded way or in a way that reinforces you're nothing more than a booty call or hookup, such as "You know, I admire how independent you are, and how you don't need a man to take care of you" or "I don't care what everyone else says about you; I think you're great!" There are plenty of examples.
He wants to know about your day.
He wants to know more about you.

Your opinion matters.
If you're out on a date, which is probably going to be having met up for drinks after dinner, these things may seem to be the case because he's trying to talk as little as possible. He wants to move this situation to sex ASAP, without saying anything that would cause you to pause or to get turned off to him. For example, if he says he has no pets, you might be turned off because you prefer men who like animals enough to have pets, or he might have an opinion or background that clashes with you. So if you ask him a question, he'll turn it right around to you, to get you to talk more. There's also a "positive" benefit to this, because the more you talk, the better you'll think things are going and the more likely it is you'll feel comfortable enough to have sex with him. (Note that in job interviews, the more you can get the hiring person to talk, the better, for many of the same reasons... you get more information you can use to your advantage, they feel better about you, and you have less time to say the wrong thing.)
He talks about his day.
He gets giddy.
No, because he's going to want YOU to talk and he's going to want to seem like a good listener and like he's cool, calm, and collected, and even like he has better things to do than be there with you, so you're lucky to have his time and attention. He'll only "talk about his day" in so far as saying something that is likely to be completely fabricated, as he doesn't want you to be able to track him down at home or work, and is likely to feed into what you're buying as far as thinking he's better off and busier and more in-demand than he is. Think, "Yeah, it was a busy day. I was signing deals that will really boost our profit margin. But enough about my day.  I've been talking all day. Tell me more about your day."
He puts you first in front of his friends.
He says and does cute little "nothings" (which Dr. Laura says are somethings).

He enjoys taking care of you  and wants to know you're OK.

He offers you a helping hand when you need one.

He remembers the special occasions.

He wants to meet and know your family and to like them.
He makes time for you.
He's very protective of you.

He touches you in subtle and loving ways.

He says nice things about you to others.
The guy who wants sex-only isn't going to be around to do these things. He'll meet you at a bar after dinner (provided it will lead to sex or this is the first or second date, which is far too early for "love" anyway) or he'll come to your place, preferably after dinner but no earlier than dinner. He will actively avoid spending more time than that with you, meeting your friends or family, or even being around during special occasions.
He can't stay mad at you for long.

He's not going to be around enough for you to make him mad. If you reject his sexual advances, unless it is the first or second date, you're not going to see him again. What else could you do that would make him mad? Well, you could leave the bar with someone else. If you're texting while at the bar with him, have your friends show up, or start ordering food that, along with the drinks, is going to be over the $40 mark, he's going to disappear, likely leaving you with at least your half of the bill. If you somehow track down where he actually lives or works and show up there, he'll drop you for sure, but unless he's actually working in a high-pay or high-profile job or actually living in a nice place in a nice neighborhood, you're not going to want to keep seeing him anyway, right? The only other thing I can think of that would get him mad at you is if you pull off the condom (which he's going to treat the same as he would sexual rejection) or if you attempt to retrieve a used condom and impregnate yourself, in which case you'll find out why these guys carry around Tabasco or habenero sauce. And if you do that, he'll be too busy chucking to be mad, and you'll never see him again.

Some people refer to guys who keep things as "sex-only" as "using" women or "getting sex for nothing". But they are both getting the same things from each other, which is sex. Indicating that he should be somehow paying for sex only makes sense if her time and sexual performance is more valuable than his (so much for equality!), which it is if we're going by the law of supply and demand (this is why men are usually still expected to ask for the date and why men make up the overwhelming majority of prostitution customers). Using also implies she doesn't like sex or doesn't like casual sex as much as he does, which, odds are, is true. But whose fault is that? If that is going to be the reason men shouldn't do these things, then women shouldn't expect their guy to celebrate Valentine's Day, because he doesn't enjoy it or like it as much as she does.

Women, if you want to avoid the strictly "sex-only" men, it is very easy to do so. Simply do not engage in any sexual contact with him during the first three dates. If you want a man who wants a relationship and will treat you right, treat him right and notice what he does, and how it compares to Dr. Laura's list.

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