Letter Writer Didn't Get It

The woman who sent this recent E-mail of the Day to Dr. Laura misread/ignored a very important word said (written) by a man. Hard to believe, I know. I have no idea if Dr. Laura (who is on vacation) actually read this letter herself or not.

I know exactly where the man being quoted is coming from. Whether you, dear reader, agree or not, the man is operating under the very common understanding that men want sex, and women want attention, a bill-payer (at least to buy dinner/entertainment/gifts while dating), a bodyguard, a chauffeur, and a stronger/taller person to do her bidding.

The woman who sent the letter starts off:

Dr. Laura,

It's soooo hard being a woman who is waiting out there.

By "waiting" she means not having sex until married.

When the rest of the women give it up for free, the men won't even give me a chance.

The phrase "for free" implies she expects to get paid for sex. "Without commitment" might be a better phrase, but I could quibble with that one, too. She's right, though, that smart or even just lazy men are going to seek the path of least resistance to getting whatever it is they want.

Then again she might not be attractive.

I've done what you've said, I've literally asked every single family member and friend and I have and nobody knows any eligible single "Christian" men.

A lot of seriously Christian men get attached very early.

So I am in the online dating world, although, I don't date much, due to the lack of eligible men.

Here is a reply I got from a "Christian" man off a Christian website, and it happens over and over.

I'll add here that there is no guarantee such men are actually Christian. Men will use dating websites/apps to hit on as many woman as possible, either ignoring a woman's profile and stated requirements or catering their come-on to it - either way, not being serious about a relationship. They are looking for sex without the baggage. Then again, there are also Christian men who have given up on state-licensed marriage, or consider it a legal formality that doesn't really mark the beginning of marriage.

On to what the guy wrote to her, emphasis mine:

Hi there. I do like your energy, but was stumped at the end of reading your profile. Though I cultivate a friendship with a girl before sex because I believe friendship before romance is foundational to every lasting relationship, your expectations to wait before marriage might be too unrealistic for me. Waiting til marriage would be like me suspending showing any care and affection toward you until I swore "til death do us part." You probably wouldn't marry me in the first place because you were still in the dark about my capacity to reciprocate toward you. Waiting til marriage is admirable, it's just not worth the risk anymore for most men. I think it's more important to recognize the wisdom behind the principle of waiting til marriage, rather than getting stuck on the rule: Commitment and a deep care should come first. However, that doesn't mean men should be miserable while the female is happy. I know it's fashionable to put down male needs while exalting female needs, but it's just not realistic.

Her reply indicates to me that the analogy was completely lost on her:

How does waiting til marriage suspend showing any care or affection towards someone? That's a very stupid statement.. Or do you think sex is the only care and affection you show towards a woman. I would totally feel used if you didn't show any other care or affection at all!

He said LIKE. He was trying to point out that sex is very important to him. So if he's expected to pay for her meals and entertaining, provide her protection, and listen while she goes on and on about stuff in which men have little interest, thereby giving her what she wants, and he's not going to be getting what he wants or even determining if she'll ever be able to give him what he wants, he's trying to get her to see that it would be like if he didn't pay for dates or give her his attention. Saving sex for marriage and otherwise doing modern dating means that women get what they want (except for children) during the dating period, but men have to wait for what they want - and may vow in front of everyone and sign a legal contract obligating him for life and only then find out she'll never give him what he wants, or at least not consistently. It the biggest question I have for my follow religious/social conservatives: How can a man be reasonably certain he's marrying the right woman for him AND stick with the standard of reserving sex for marriage? It is possible I married the wrong woman for me because I of the "saving sex" principle. If you dismiss this with "sex just isn't that important", you're probably a woman or a man who has a hormonal problem.

Even Christian men don't want to live or do what the Bible says.

My guess is she doesn't want to either. Or at least a lot of women who claim to be Christian don't. For example, how many have filed for divorce without Biblical grounds?

And your last statements are also ridiculous, as if women don't want or need sex, and you are suffering without it. Seriously?

Seriously. Let's  look at a simple fact. Who makes up the overwhelming majority or prostitution customers? Did you know there are many long-term lesbian couples that give up sex? How many long-term gay male couples do you think that happens with?

I know, wanting a man to commit his life to me before giving him my body nowadays is not realistic anymore.

He would be "giving" you his body, too. Is his body less valuable than yours?

Even though I'm not bad looking, (I run marathons),

That doesn't mean you are good-looking.

have a great job,

 How long would you keep that after getting married?

I actually am happy and am looking for someone to love and give that love to. I'm sure there are plenty of women on this site who will sleep with you for free.

Again, are you a prostitute?

Sadly since the women have become whores,

Whores charge. Who's the one demanding payment?

the women who actually want a man to commit in marriage have a rough time as men can just go find one who will give it up for free without any commitment.

It's not just that. It is also that legal marriage has become such a bad deal for men.

She added for Dr. Laura:

I really think women are the problem. If more women would wait for marriage, men would have to change.

Likely true, but that's not going to happen.

I hope she gets what she's looking for and avoids being a spinster crazy cat lady or ending up with a guy she thinks is so morally upstanding but turns out to be gay, not interested in sex for whatever reason, or a pedophile.