Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Avoidance and Being Caught

My wife, who has told me before that although she tries not to show it, claims she is really flattered and encouraged when I make a big deal about her appearing nude before me. Yet she seems to have no interest in basking in my mesmerized stare of awe.

I want to be desired, admired, appreciated for my physical appearance. It seems like she should couldn't care less about being the focus of such passion.

I'm very sensitive to not being wanted, and I've told her so. I told her I'm more perceptive than she might think when it comes to that.

Recently, my tentative indications of interest in making love were met with her asking to defer to our regular weekly session.

Okay, fine. As long as she will allow me my privacy, I will tend to my health myself.

But then the appointed date came, and she deferred again to the next day.

Okay, well, I don't have a choice, do I? It isn't like I'm some guy who hasn't obligated himself to give her at least half of everything he's earning. He is free to go out and get sex from anyone.

The third attempt was cut off by my wife turning in and going to sleep well before I could. That was very unusual for her. She later said that she figured I could wake her up. I don't think I have ever done that, because she has never invited me to, and she needs her rest.

The fourth attempt was set. I let her know I was going to shave and shower to prepare (this never results in her joining me in the shower, by the way). The kids were supposedly in bed for the night.

When I finished with my shower and went to let me wife know, which would be her indication to finish up what she was doing and join me, one of the kids was there with her. I said my peace and I returned to our room and waited a while, figuring there needed to be time to get the kid back into bed and settled.

And I waited, ...and I waited. This was no small feat because I had to fight falling asleep, due to being so tired and facing another session of sleep that would almost be closer to a nap than a night's rest.

Finally, I got up and went to check on my wife. She indicated that she had figured when she was ready to go to sleep for the night (sex does NOT make her sleep, but if anything can keep her awake), she would come in and "wake me up."

Her idea of waking me up is to come in, when I'm in deep R.E.M. sleep and having gone without enough sleep for days and days, and quietly ask how I'm doing, and maybe give me a light peck on the lips. 9 out of 10 times when she does this, I will not wake up at all. Then, in the morning, she will tell me that she tried to wake me up.

Ladies, just so you know, unless your husband is some kind of freak who hates receiving fellatio, the way to wake him up is to do that.

Anyway, as it happens, I was able to respond when she finally came in, which was about two hours before I was due to wake up to begin my workday.

But… she left our bedroom door open.

Usually when we make love or she gives me a mercy session, she closes the door until we're done or has me close the door. We're both quiet enough. She's usually not climaxing these days due to the medications she'll be on for the rest of her life (that she hid from me before we married), but even she does, she's quiet just as she is the rest of the time. I'm quiet, too, except I will tell her when something is feeling good, and since "dirty talk" is one of the many things she's told me are a turn-off for her, we're quiet. Still, there are children in the home, and is better to have the door closed until we're done.

So there I was, still waking up to try to make love to her, but doing what I could with my hands and mouth to make her feel loved, her face down and the other end up,... and suddenly my wife turns over and moves. I ask, "What? Did you hear something?" Because I can usually hear if our daughter has opened her door (but then, her door has to actually be closed to begin with). And I hadn't heard anything.

In my state of being sleep-deprived and concentrating on my wife, I was totally unaware that our daughter was, by then, standing beside the bed.

It was very dark in our bedroom, and my daughter was coming from places that had some light, and she sometimes sleepwalks, so as of this writing I have no idea if my daughter saw anything or heard anything that bothered her.

The moment was gone.

All of us went to sleep.

Why was the door open to begin with?

I can only assume my wife was counting on me not waking up.

I had already been feeling negatively towards my wife that day, and one of the reasons is that we'd gone to get the paperwork to stick our son into what is essentially daycare. I'm going to pay a lot of money to strangers to warehouse my son a couple of times per week, in violation of one of the earliest agreements I initiated with my wife. He gets the short end of the stick in comparison to the his sister, which is par for the course in my wife's family.

My wife stays home. I go out and earn income and provide the benefits, of which she makes much use. She can't handle taking care of her own son. I wish I could at least say, "Yeah, but the sex is good."

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