Thursday, August 15, 2013
Lie to Me
Is acting a form of lying? Where’s the line between acting or pretending or “living a lie”?
I know there are people who claim to be “radically honest” to the point of almost never ever telling a lie, no matter how “little” or “white” it is. If someone asks a question you don’t want to answer because you think it will hurt their feelings or start a right, these people advise using ways of responding to the question without lying.
Most people do not follow such a method.
Even if they did, I’m not sure most marriages could possibly be happy ones if someone always told the truth.
For example, when a woman dreamily asks a man, “What are you thinking?”, chances are, she doesn’t want to know the truth, unless the truth is that he’s thinking about a blissful future of catering to her every whim and or he’s remembering how they fell in love. Most likely, he’s not thinking about that. “I was thinking about how nice it was when you were giving me the silent treatment” isn’t an answer that will help.
When someone asks, “How are you?” or Howsit goin’?” they usually don’t really care. They are just being polite. Even if they do care, is it really a good idea to answer with, “Not so good. My wife is being a real bitch.”? Not if she is there! And not if you think is is usually not a good thing to complain about your wife to others.
I did NOT get married because I needed my wife, or any woman, to be happy and get through life. I got married because I wanted to be a father and raise children in the way best for them AND because I like sex and, convinced that sex is for marriage as part of the design of God, I couldn’t be an honest, sincere Christian going through life fornicating. I didn’t want to go without sex; I like sex, I like pleasing and experiencing a woman sexually, especially one I love, and so I found what I thought was the right woman for me, and married her. That isn’t exactly something to say to your wife.
As far as the mothering part, things are much better than they used to be, but I still think my wife is doing things right, or enough things, or enough things right. I think the children are spending too much time in front of television. My wife sleeps in long after the kids are up. She thinks she can only take them out together under certain circumstances. Her parents and a brother are the only family a short drive away, but we won't leave our children with her parents and her brother has a life. So, too often the kids are stuck at home. Then I get home and I'm tired and would really like some alone time, but I need to tend to the needs of the kids.
As far as the sex, we've been down to about once per week for a while now, scheduled. If anything happens she doesn't like during the day two before our standing appointment, then I’m "punished" with her telling me I can forget about sex. For the longest time she was going without orgasms (on top of lack of desire/enthusiasm), and she blames her medications. Sure enough, after talking with one of her doctors, she started going without that specific medication for two days in a row each week (unless she forgot to NOT take her med), in anticipation of scheduled sex. And, that worked. Unfortunately, it also makes her bitchy. In fact, it has been when my wife has had problems with her meds that she has been all too honest with me, saying and doing things she may not even remember later, but that I won’t ever be able to forget. Someone may argue that the lack of meds was making her say things she didn’t really believe or feel, and I’d like to believe that to be the case, but I don’t believe it is the case.
So, I need her to lie to me.
Now, if I was a godless unmarried man, if I knew I wasn’t going to get sex from one woman or that she didn't like it and was only doing it out of obligation, I could move down the list of women until one came through. It is very easy to set up a life like this if you follow a few simple rules that work, given our present day culture and how women behave.
But I'm not godless or unmarried.
Recently, on our scheduled day, my wife was sleeping as my son was being quite the handful. She did wake up in time to witness the escalation of my frustration with his bratty behavior, culmating with me responding to him tossing some expensive electronics in a tantrum. I let fly a couple of Anglo-Saxon FCC-incompatible words, for which I was sent to my room.Yes, that's right, I was sent to my room, where my wife communicated with me via modern technology, telling me that week's sex was off. I got the expected lecturing that spiraled off into everything that’s ever bothered here about me, what I’ve done in the past (including before I knew she existed) and everything her father’s ever done. I restained myself from responding in kind, or from saying that really, I wouldn't be missing much if she didn't have sex with me. It seems to be a chore her, she wants to get it over with, and there are things I enjoy she won't do even though she used to. My wife tells me how she wants me to change. Me, I've tended to think of ways I can cope with how she is, rather than asking her to change.
The next day, we went to my mother's place, where my wife continued to message me with hostility, including calling me names, and trying to guilt me for not spending more time with my children, who were having a great time with other family members.
She finally ended up asking me, when I was overdue to go to sleep back at home, what would make me content. Well, I'm not stupid enough to tell her what exactly would make me content. I told her to let me think about it and sleep on it. The next day, I came up with a short list of things she can do to make things better. There's no point in me telling her what would make me content, as she is unable or unwilling to comply and hearing me say it would cause bad feelings.
For a few days, she and the kids were busy and I, exhausted, was going to sleep before they got home. This bothered my wife, but it would've been ridiculous for me to stay up to talk with her. As it is these days, I'm lucky not to fall asleep on the road.
On another visit to my mother's, we were able to slip out and try a restaurant my wife had wanted to try. While there, she finally got her chance to prod me repeatedly. She said that only time I show up with a genuine smile in pictures lately is when I am at a very rare event with old coworkers (in other words, not with her or the kids). She kept prodding me about what would make me happy, even after I insisted my own happiness is my responsibility. I tried to convey the message that messing with things might not be the best for her by asking her, "You're happy, right? You're have what you need, right? Isn't that good?"
I'm not going to bother bringing up things I know she can't or won't change, can't be unsaid, and would likely hurt or upset her. She persisted even after I handed over the short list of what would make things better, asking "What if you could design your life to your ideal, without considering me and the kids. I will not hold anything you say against you." I wasn't buying that. Even if she was sincere, it was a gigantic bucket of worms I wasn't going to open. She said she wanted the man she married on our wedding day. But that man was not a father, was earning more money than he needed (and had a bride who had her own income and benefits) and was blissfully unaware of a few things. There were so many possibilities still open. A lot of doors have closed since then. A lot of things about my life have changed.
I told her I'd have to get back to her and she insisted I do. I figured that would buy me a few days, but as it turns out, later that night I came up with an idea. I asked her if she was willing to undertake a very challenging and long-lasting acting assignment that would require that, even when she was out character, she not do or say anything that would contradict the character's material. She said she was willing. With that, I gave her a few simple guidelines for her character's role. I told her that it might work to make me happier, but her performance had to be believable enough that I could suspend my disbelief. The character she was to play would have the hots for me, be attracted to me would want everything from lovemaking to playful sex with me (just like I want with my wife), the character would enjoy sex with me and want it to last (and I did not want her to fake an orgasm), the character would make sex a priority, the character would want to show her body to me, and would appear more than once per week. I told her I understood it would be a very difficult and demanding role, but this a theatrical experience that could really brighten my days.
Anyway, she got into character enough that night. If she plays this character well, it will make it easier for me to cope with all of the other things I hate about the life we're created.
Sure, I'd like things to be honest, but acting is the best I can get.