Thursday, February 21, 2013

Gazing at the Horizon

There's not really much I look forward to these days.

For as long as I can remember back into my childhood, I was not one of those kids who wanted to be older. I didn't mind being the age I was. I didn't mind not being able to drive, or buy booze, or whatever. In fact, I didn't run out and get my license as soon as I could, like so many other teens did. I knew that time was a one-way arrow, and that I was never going to be whatever age I was again.

Even so, there were events, milestones and goals to which I had to anticipate, plan, prepare, or strive:
  • Every year, there was Halloween and Christmas, which were always fun for me. Birthday... eh... I think my parents gave each of us one big party during our childhoods, and the rest of the years it wasn't a big event. 
  • Get through the school year so you can enjoy Summer Vacation. 
  • Going on family trips/vacations
  • Sports in which I was participating
  • Do well in elementary school to prepare for junior high (we didn't have middle school back in the dark ages). 
  • Do well in junior high and high school so you can get into college. Where I lived, the question was never "Are you going to college?" It was "Where are you going to college?" We were also told that unless we get all As and Bs, had all sorts of extracurricular activities, and saved a life, we'd never get into college.
  • Get a girlfriend. I didn't really get a serious girlfriend until I was 19. I was painfully shy and mostly pined after girls from afar, not really ever going to parties (not aware of most of them until after they happened) but rather buried in schoolwork, you know, because otherwise I'd never ever get into college and I'd end up living under a bridge.
  • As I got older, events related to my hobby, which was tied in to my professional ambitions. Even the job I got while in high school was related to this.
  • Get through college so I can get a job. I didn't really look forward to moving out. I had it pretty good at home. In fact, my parents found me an apartment near campus and I moved out to make attending school easier.
  • Get an internship in the career of my choice. Did that while still in college. Didn't lead to a job.
Before I knew it, college was over and I was still working in pretty much the same job I had when I was 17. I tried to get hired in my chosen career. Despite my relevant experience, my degree, and my connections, it didn't happen. Considering how the industry is these days, with everyone either being hired as contractors with contracts that never last more than a few years to employees who are constantly let go and bouncing from company to company, it is probably just as well because I wouldn't have done well with the instability.

Needing more income and what would be considered more professional experience, I took one of those jobs considered "professional", but not something/somewhere to which people aspire. Nobody you ask in college would say, "That's what I want to do and where I want to work!"

And I did well enough.

I wanted to get married and have kids. I did that.

I wanted to buy a house. I did that. Well, I'm paying a mortgage on a house anyway.

Now what?

I spent so much of my life trying to get from one point to another, and then I'd finally arrived "there". Oh sure, that ideal professional ambition will probably never be fulfilled, and I'm not actively trying to make it happen. Not only do I need stability but my family sure as heck needs stability.

Our house isn't in the best neighborhood, but we have no plans or aspirations to move. We bought the place with the expectation that we'd die there.

My wife says I gave her the life she's always wanted.

I don't really have time or money for my hobbies.

So, I literally have nothing for which I am looking forward.

Oh, sure, someday I hope to retire, and I'm making investments towards that end, but I'm not expecting that the Mrs. and I will be doing a lot of traveling or anything like that after I retire.

And someday, should the Lord tarry, I will expire, and I look forward to being free of the "old man" and being with Him, whether He returns before I die or not.

My work is not the sort for which there are things to which I look forward. I do my work. I finish this and that. And on it goes. I do it for the compensation, not personal satisfaction or enjoyment.

So I suppose what I have to look forward to would be the milestones for my children.

More immediately, the only thing to which I look forward is lovemaking with my wife. No kidding. And that's rather sad and depressing, because:
  • she has zero libido these days
  • she now rarely has orgasms (which I've always enjoyed giving)
  • it happens less than twice a week
  • when it does happen, I feel pressured to hurry up and get it over with because it is just an obligatory chore for her, per the first two points
  • there are things I enjoy that are not unusual that she's not willing to do/go along with, and other restrictions that make the lovemaking less appealing to me and more difficult
At this point in my life, all I want besides the basics for my family, is a good sex life with my wife, and it's not going to happen without some radical changes and a whole lot of work.

If I was a pessimist, I'd say she'll probably become one of those horny middle-aged women (like the one who broke me in) just after I'm struck with some health problem that kills me or leaves me impotent.

Sorry that this entry hasn't been more uplifting. How's this? I live in the USA, I have my health, my family, my home, a job, and enjoy attending a church, and can do so with a reasonable assurance I won't be killed or jailed for doing so.

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