Another Reason to Remain Unmarried and Free

There are many reasons to stay unmarried, and I've listed some of them before here.

I've also discussed how Free Men can be morally superior to married men.

I recently realized another very important reason for men to remain unmarried and free.

I've seen repeated claims that we can't be sure a woman who is performing on a webcam isn't being trafficked. By the very same thinking, we can't be sure any woman who we'd marry isn't being trafficked into the marriage. She might say she's not, but maybe that's because she's being threatened to say she isn't.

There is a long history of trafficking fueling marriage and marriage fueling trafficking. Marriage wouldn't be where it is today without trafficking, and trafficking wouldn't be where it is today without marriage.

So, men, the only way to be sure you're not perpetuating trafficking of brides is to avoid marriage.

Stay free, men!

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 1

 

 Marriage sellers are varied. The ones I'm familiar with include:

• religionists (who are usually trying to get you to marry within their denomination or cult, but if you're not going to they at least want to behave in their approved way)
• sociologists who are likely to be religionists or dependent on them for funding/publicity
• your mother
• Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Michael Medved (basically a combo of his wife being a sociologist and them being religionists)
• Dennis Prager (religionist, but might be a religionist because of his emotional fixation on marriage)
• Matt Walsh (religionist)
  

While I list specific names here, most of the tactics they use to sell marriage are used broadly by marriage sellers that might include your aunt or your pastor. Just to be clear, I am what many people would call a religionist. I'm a Bible-believing, praying, churchgoer. But since I do read my Bible, I'm aware that there is no clear Biblical command in effect for all Christians to marry, certainly not for them to get a license to do so from a secular state.

If you're going to discuss why most men should avoid marrying, especially if you're going to have an audience, it might drive the point home if you say "terrible state contract" instead of "marriage."

I plan to post [have since posted] a series providing answers and responses to common talking points of marriage sellers.

I'm starting with a very common one used by almost all of them.

Married men earn more, are wealthier, are happier, are healthier, live longer, and have more sex.

Response:

Like so many claims of marriage sellers, these claims rest almost entirely on perceived correlations and statistical trickery, not provable causation. Marriage sellers want you to think that if you marry, you'll be better off in all those ways. However, what is really going on here is that all unmarried males are lumped together, including divorced men and men who are unable to attract a wife. Women are more likely to marry and stay married to a man who has/earns more money, is happier, is healthier, and with whom she is having a lot of sex. Poor, sickly, unhappy men are less likely to be having a lot of sex or attracting or keeping a wife. Also, males who die young are less likely to have married. Duh!

These claims never separate out men who have their act together and intentionally avoid marriage. Many of them are better off financially, have better overall well-being, and have more and better sex  than most husbands. Plus, they are free, with their residences and overall life the way they want, not the way some woman wants.

What marriage sellers don't point out about finances is that my never-married counterpart only has to earn 51% of what I do to be better off financially than me, and doesn't spend money on goods and services that aren't to his personal benefit; he gets to make all spending decisions for his earnings, and nearly everything he buys is less expensive because he only needs to buy for himself.

The one thing I'm willing to concede is that a wife nagging her husband to go to the doctor can help him live longer. However, men can be nagged to go to the doctor without signing a terrible state contract. I cut out the "middlewoman." Also, consider: What are those extra months/years like? Should a man trade a lifetime of freedom for those months?

The fact that married men are taller is a clue of what is going on with these statistics. Marrying won't make you taller. Women marry taller men.

The fact that divorced men are usually lumped together with all other unmarried men is misleading. Family laws, family courts, ex wives, and their lawyers often work a man over, leaving him in terrible shape, at least for a while; even before divorce, marriage might have hurt him a lot, but since he escaped or was dumped his conditions are attributed to the "unmarried" in the stats.

It’s dangerous to imply or outright tell someone that signing a terrible state contract or marrying will make them better off or happier. When it doesn’t, they might make their spouse or others miserable or otherwise harm them.

That's a lot to say. If you only have a few seconds, say:

None of those studies separate out men who have intentionally avoided marriage, who can be much better off than most husbands.

Read Part 2 here.

The Horse is Out of the Barn and the Robot is Out of the Box

Grab some popcorn and some tea and peruse the panicked, hysterical shrieking of the controlling women and their enablers who can't stand the idea that more and more men will be enjoying robots that essentially amount to advanced dolls and sex toys. [This entry is bumped up because it is as relevant as ever.]

Technology is always going to be applied to sex, if there is any way it can be. This is human nature.

Sex dolls and sex robots or whatever you want to call them will never be effectively banned. Aside from the fact that prohibiting the private ownership and use of personal objects isn't practical, how exactly do you ban these things without banning a bunch of other things? How do you define a sex robot or a sex doll? Some men will stick their penises in knotholes in a plank of wood. Are you going to ban planks of wood? No. So, are you going to ban all robots? All dolls? All sex toys or masturbation aids? Any three-dimensional representation of a person?

Despite the futility, some women (and the men who enable them) are trying to ban these elaborate masturbatory aids.

The Prom is For Girls and Gays

We’'re heading for a Prom season again.

Every normal year, I note this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days (the the related events) that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention-whores and attention-whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column and this entry on increasingly showy proposals for dates.

Stop it, guys! Unless you're gay or trans and want to rub it into the noses of some uptight school staff or parents by taking someone of the same sex or wearing a dress, you don't really want to go to a dance, do you? You don't really want to take a girl to the prom, do you?

It a nutshell, here are my problems with the prom as it is these days:

Valentine's Day Aftermath

Are you an unmarried guy who just spent a lot of money and effort on Valentine's Day, only to get what you used to get all of the time? Or did you get less than that?

Did you even propose marriage and give her a ring?

If you're not married, and you just made a big deal about Valentine's Day, and especially if you proposed marriage, you need to step back and think about what you've done and you are doing. Are you regretful? Are you doubting? Are you asking yourself "Why did I do that?" If not, you probably should be.

Most men shouldn't be in exclusive relationships, and certainly not marriage!

Most unmarried men, if they play their cards right, can get everything they want without spending a lot of money and energy on Valentine's Day, birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries.

If there is a woman who is planning to marry you this June, or any other time this year, you probably need to put the brakes on the relationship, especially if there are any red flags. If you're shacking up and/or if she has kids, plan your escape!

You don't need to be married. And there's a good chance that, deep down, you don't really want to be.

So, get out. And learn to be scarce so that you won't get trapped into wasting money, effort, and time on things like Valentine's Day or meeting a woman's family or friends for holidays.

Be a Free Man.

Last Minute Reminder: Don't Be A Fool on February 14

This is your last-minute reminder, to any men who aren't married.

DO NOT marry for Valentine's Day.

DO NOT propose for Valentine's Day.

DO NOT even see a woman who thinks you're going to agree to be exclusive, or live together, or marry.

If you're going to spend time with a woman on Valentine's Day, it should be a woman who doesn't know you, who is feeling lonely. DO NOT spend a lot of money. At most, share drinks with her.

You have been warned. Don't waste your money, time, or effort. Don't give a woman the idea that you're going to marry her.

"Married People Are Happier" - DON'T FALL FOR THIS

 

 

 

This blog is mostly directed at men. Are married men happier?

Let's assume, as groups, married men are happier than men who aren't married.

Once again, we have to point out:

• Studies that claim this never separated out intentionally unmarried men, many of whom are much happier than the average husband.
  
• Divorced people are counted as unmarried, even if the source of their unhappiness is the marriage that has ended.
• Widowed people, who may experiencing grief, are counted as unmarried.
• People who have been raised to believe they are failures, losers, and sinners if they aren't married might claim to be happy if they're married and unhappy if they're not.
• Happier people are more likely to attracted and retain a spouse (if they want one); it's not necessarily that marriage made them happy.
  

Don’t fall for the trap.

Remember, married men are taller. Getting married won't make you taller, guys, and getting married usually won't make you happier.

Stay free!

Unmarried Men: You Need to Get or Stay Scarce Until At Least February 15

Unmarried men, if you've been staying scarce for the last month or two when it comes to any woman who was thinking of you as husband material, keep up the good work!

For those of you who spent December and the holidays with such a woman, you really need to get with the program NOW!!!

You DO NOT want a woman trying to make you her husband, and so you need to get or stay scarce. Be busy. Be "sick."

There are ads on television, radio, and websites/apps right now trying to get men to plan romantic evenings and buy expensive items because February 14 exists. NO NO NO!!!

Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive to a woman.

Men Should Ask These Questions if They're Considering Marriage

This past Monday, Dr. Laura's opening commentary (and the question posted to her Facebook page) was about questions to ask (and, presumably answer) before marrying. [This was originally posted in December 2015 and I'm bumping it up.]

This inspired me to come up with my own list a man should ask himself if he's thinking about marrying a specific woman. So here they are, in no particular order:

It's Not Healthy to Sign Terrible Contracts

Delano Squires had a blog entry over at one of my "favorite" blogs. With a title like "Making Boys Into Men" you just know it's going to be ripe.

Editor’s Note: This week, the Family Studies blog is publishing a series of short essays addressing the meaning and purpose of healthy masculinity in today’s world.

By "healthy masculinity" they mean "Men doing what we like." In their case, that's marrying, having children, and being compliant followers to their leadership. Let's get to Squire's contribution.

American boys and men are in a state of crisis. The notion that masculinity and traditional gender roles are “toxic” forces of oppression is a common refrain in our cultural commentary and political discourse.

Yup.

The first lesson is that no man should feel ashamed of being male, because God created him that way.

Good.

I also believe that men function best in environments marked by order, so I will teach my sons that men who want to lead families need to be led by God’s word.

Married men don't lead families. They might be allowed to appear to lead.

Annual Marriage Sellers Propaganda Week

February 7-14 is the week that marriage sellers have picked to be their annual publicizing of more propaganda than usual.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT GUYS! Certainly, DO NOT PROPOSE OR MARRY on Valentine's Day!

If you're not currently married, DO NOT let these people fool you.

There is no benefit to you to get legally married (or married again) that you can't get for less cost without legally marrying.

Marriage is a terrible state contract for most men.

Most marriages fail.

You can have an honorable, happy, fulfilled, full, productive, good life without ever legally marrying.

Something you're likely to see:

"Married people are happier."

For the purposes of this blog, I'm more concerned about men. Not "people." Our marriage laws and culture are gynocentric. Women get materially rewarded for marrying. Of course marriage can make women happy. (Don't be fooled, though. Women might like getting married, but many despise and resent their husbands, and don't really want to be wives.)

Briefly, because I've detailed this elsewhere, here's why you shouldn't infer what they are outright saying or trying to imply; getting married will make you happy.

1. Married men aren't always being honest or reality-based when reporting that they are happy. If they aren't assured their answers are anonymous and that their wife won't see their answer, if they don't want to admit "failure," if they think saying they are anything less than thrilled with their marriage would be a sin or a negative confession, they're not going to be honest. Most people in my life, including my wife, think I'm happily married. I'm not. But I don't let on (weekly therapy helps me keep the ruse going) because it would make my life worse if I did. I was VERY happy before I married. Unfortunately, I was ignorant and delusional enough to think I should marry.

2. Many of these husbands have no idea how much happier they'd be if unmarried.

3. Men told by their family, their religion, culture, etc. that they're losers if they're not married, and they've bought into it, are going to be happy that they got married.

4. Happier people are more likely to attract and keep a spouse. It isn't that marriage made them happy. They were already happy. If unhappy, they are more likely to get divorced and thus be counted as "unmarried."

5. Studies about this never separate out intentionally unmarried men. Rather, all unmarried men (divorced, widowed, shacking up, hoping to get married, unable to attract a wife, etc.) are lumped together. Men who have decided to be Free Men or have otherwise joined the marriage strike can be much happier than the average husband.

The other "benefits of marriage" can be debunked in the same or a similar way. Alleged correlations might sound great, but don't withstand close scrutiny. Again, these claims that marriage is of benefit to men never separate out men who are able to attract women, but have intentionally avoided marrying,

Feel free to link to, copy and paste, or steal shamelessly from this blog to counter the narratives you'll be seeing this week.

Married men are taller. Did marriage make them taller? No. The same goes for all of the other supposed benefits of legally marrying.

“But what about society? Doesn’t marrying help society?” Compared to what? Yes, if you’re comparing lifelong cooperative parenting compared to popping out babies with different people you don’t get along with. But those aren’t the only two options! And if you legally marry, you can’t stop the other person from ending it, thus hurting society, according to the same thinking. 

Here are just a few other posts on this blog that might help:

My Core Advice to Men

Why You Don't Want to Do That

Reasons For Men to Stay Unmarried

How to Just Say No to Giving Up Your Freedom

How to Keep Your Friends Free

You Don't Need a Wife

Guys: Read This If You're Thinking About Marrying

Quora has some gems. This is one of those gems. Someone asked "What is the brutal truth about life after marriage?"

This is a response from Chris Longford, "married for 13 years."

Sex can become monotonous, masturbation can become preferable at times, and cheating makes you feel horrible. 

I find studies showing that married people have more and better sex suspect, at least for men.

Children can be really annoying sometimes, especially while babies, and you will sometimes secretly regret ever having them (or having as many) and you feel guilty for having these thoughts. 

Yes! There will be times you think that you've ruined your life. For some, that never goes away.

You and your spouse will argue over absolutely pointless and meaningless things and the sight of each other will start annoying you due to built up resentment that neither talks about. You will not want to kiss your spouse passionately after a certain point, it becomes kind of like kissing a sibling. You still have sex, you just stop kissing. Except for the hello and goodbye peck thing.

This is optimistic. Some married people don't have sex.

But you become attached to your spouse, and of course to your children, and there are good moments also so you don’t want to leave. So you tend to be in a perpetual state of unhappiness mixed with what feels like odd contentment. But it’s really just fear of change or what your kids or parents or in-laws (or whoever) will think if you divorce. Plus, nobody likes to admit failure. And most of this stuff you’ll just hold inside and never tell a soul. While you smile for family photos and everyone thinks you’re so happy.

Still thinking marriage might be something you'd do?

There were a lot of additional comments at that link.

Don't Go Further Down That Ladder

During his Male-Female Hour on Wednesday, January 25, 2023, Dennis Prager again tried to fool men into legally marrying.

This time, he did it under the guise of asking people who lived together before marriage what the difference was after they married.

Except he didn't leave it at that.

He asked men if they really want to go through life saying "This is my girlfriend" instead of "This is my wife."

See, he has an emotional fixation or being married and being a husband that he picked up very early in his childhood, and so that's a compelling argument to him. People who think through it rationally might say, "Yes, I'd rather keep saying that." or "We can all each other whatever we want. Nobody in our life ever asks to see a marriage license or wedding photos. So I can call her my wife without getting a terrible state contract."

He added that adults have wives and husbands, children have boyfriends and girlfriends.

Says who??? Again, this is his emotional fixation at work. Dr. Laura callers make a point of calling their spouse their boyfriend or girlfriend. (There are some things I would PAY to hear Dennis Prager and Dr. Laura discuss together.)

He said getting married is announcing to the world that you are committed.

Here comes one of his favorite phrases: "So What?"

Most people understand and accept that people who are living together, even people who aren't living together but consider themselves a couple, are committed in the sense that, unless they have indicated they swing or whatever, they are off-limits to new love interests. If one is being invited to an informal engagement, the other is being invited unless it was planned as "no partners."

As Dennis knows, anyone can divorce at any time. Getting legally married is committing to nothing more than a shift in wealth - usually from a man to a woman. That's the only commitment.

People can make an announcement of their commitment without a ceremony, without a terrible state contract.

Dennis asked what the argument for NOT marrying is if you've been living together for years, but he kind of answered his own question: the state contract is terrible.

He argues that living together unmarried is different than living together married. If he wasn't emotionally fixated on being married no matter how many divorces you've had, the answer is in his declaration: living together unmarried is different than being married. Some people are going to prefer living together unmarried. We all know Dennis doesn't. But most men don't have the emotional fixation he does.

Kudos to the last caller, who said his faith took him away from remarrying after his wife and the mother of his children divorced him.

As I've made clear repeatedly on this blog, I think shacking up generally a bad idea (although, there are situations in which is preferable to legally marrying.) So, I'm not defending unmarried cohabitation. Rather, I'm tired of Dennis Prager trying to fool men into legally marrying. He wants men to go further down that ladder. I don't.