My Ideal Wife?

If  you don't follow me on Twitter, you really should, or at least bookmark my account.

One of my mutual follows on there came into a back-and-forth I was having with someone else and asked me "What is your ideal wife?"

I now say most men shouldn't marry and that I shouldn't have married. But there was a time I drew up a profile of what I needed in a wife, to help me find my wife[1]. I thought I'd found her. I was wrong, and I should have known it. My wife PRESENTED herself as that person (in that earlier profile I compiled), but she was a fraud.

If my wife were to divorce me or die (Heaven forbid), I'd NEVER remarry, except maybe when I'm 85 years old. Aside from sex, just about everything I like to do is a solitary activity or I enjoy more solitary or with friends. So, I wouldn't remarry, and if I could go back in time, I wouldn't have married at all. 

But, as a thought exercise, knowing what I know now, what would be my ideal wife for me be if I was single, younger, and childfree? Here's the new profile I compiled.

These criteria are in no particular order. Do not think that mentioning them first or last makes a difference.

Also, remember I was asked for what my ideal would be. You might think some of these criteria are ridiculous. But as someone who 1) already knew I'd be OK with never marrying; 2) earned more than average and had saved much more than average; and 3) had good tongue skills and a bigger than average (or, at least, at the larger end of the average range) penis, I am entitled.

First, let me get out of the way the things I don't give a damn about. I don't give a damn about race/ethnicity other than I would avoid women who could possibly be using me to get into/stay in the USA. I don't care about hair color (but do prefer a "natural" color, not pink or something like that) eye color, or skin color. Freckles or no freckles - doesn't matter. I've seen very appealing women with very pale skin and very appealing women with extremely dark skin and very appealing women everywhere between. All skin colors, eye shapes, and natural hair colors can be beautiful.

Yes, her body and appearance matters, for many reasons.[2] I'm of average height for a man. She'd need to be at least a couple of inches shorter than me. She'd need the girl-next-door look, rather than The Girls Next Door look. I would have to be strongly physically attracted to her (and she to me). Hourglass figure, natural DD breasts[3,4] (or larger), legs that aren't short for her body. Long hair (shoulder length or longer). My memory is hazy, but I had a girlfriend[4] who didn't PMS and rarely menstruated, and it wasn't entirely because of contraception, yet she said she was still fertile. That was great. I don't mind regular menstruation, as long as she doesn't consider sex off limits and doesn't PMS.[3]

Younger than me, or at least not older.

Physically healthy and able-bodied. This would include good teeth and dental health. She has to make & keep her doctor/dental appointments. No eating disorders, a generally healthy diet.[3] No substance abuse, only light drinking.

Fertile. [5]

Mentally healthy. No mental illnesses or personality disorders. She can handle life, including disagreement, frustration, disappointment. Not violent, destructive, or abusive. Not jealous or suspicious. Emotionally mature. Doesn't play games. Low maintenance. [3] No drama, hypersensitivity, or insecurity. Has happiness and gratitude. No PTSD. Either wasn't molested or doesn't let it have a negative effect on her now. She treats people well, is kind, respectful, and practical. She doesn't make gift-giving a huge ordeal, and provides a gift list from which I (along with others) can choose in order to be sure to give her something she wants. She treats me like a man, not like one of her girlfriends.

She has quality, longtime female friends. [3]

Her parents are married to each other, responsible, trustworthy, local, and not overwhelmed with life. [3, 5]

She has siblings who are responsible, trustworthy, local, and not overwhelmed with life. [5]

Fosters family and friends connections, including mine. [3]

Done with education/training. She already knows what she wants to be when she grows up and is on the way to that goal. 

Will be a Stay-With-Kids Mom. No, this isn't in contradiction to the requirement immediately above. Such mothers can still generate income, depending. But the kids need their mother until they start Kindergarten, and before and after school (provided they go to a school). Daycare, whatever it is called, and that includes anything before K, is not an option. [5]

Will support the kids getting private schooling or will homeschool. [5]

Homemaker. She'll handle most of the decorating, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and organizing (remember, I'm going to be sole or main income). I don't need the home flawless. Just healthy and in a condition that we can host company without days of preparation. [2] Sees me off when I leave, greets me when I come home. [3,5]

Goals, values, worldview, religious practices, political practices, and lifestyle are compatible with mine. That means being as independent from our governments as is possible with a suburbanite existence, being able to take care of ourselves for almost all of the rest of our life. A follower of Christ, pro-life, conservative or libertarian. I need a woman with good manners (although usually informal and casual except for very rare occasions), and good grammar. I'm not an outdoorsman. I have no interest in sleeping in a tent, or crapping in the woods, or hiking on trails. I do like the beach.

Fiscally responsible. She has no debt other than a reasonable mortgage. She doesn't buy herself everything she wants. She plans, budgets, saves, invests, insures. She pays her bills on time and doesn't carry credit card debt past the due date. She seeks out bargains, discounts, etc.

Agrees to an iron-clad customized pre-nup. [3] (In reality, we know there is no such thing.)

Supportive of my career. She will support attempts to get better work, including being willing to move with me and not punishing me for working odd hours or odd days.

She has no criminal record.

She hasn't been and isn't being sued (beyond, perhaps, some small claims matters).

She has a good driving record.[3]

Never married, never shacked up, and has no kids. That includes kids she had killed, kids she gave up for adoption, even donated eggs. 

Great lover. [THIS GETS A LITTLE EXPLICIT] I wrote this a while back. We will have some form of sex more days than not. She aches for/craves sex. High libido, enthusiastic, curious, playful, adventurous, experimental, flirtatious, initiates sometimes, spontaneous, likes and fosters variety, gives constructive feedback and encouragement. She accepts that sex can be quickies as well as hourslong marathons. She has to understand that penises don't take criticism well, and how erections work and don't work, and that they can wax and wane for many different reasons. She cares about helping me to help her achieve new sensations and intensities, and cares about doing the same to me with me. She cares about getting me to orgasm. She doesn't generally have trouble reaching orgasm. She's not averse to her own natural lubrication and enjoys swallowing. She's flexible. She has good hygiene. [3] She keeps her body in shape, though not skinny or "muscular" - rather, she's soft, curvy. She has to be comfortable with me going down on her. Heck, there should be no place my mouth can't go. She keeps her pubic hair trimmed or shaved (that makes it easier for me to do my favorite thing). This is a "permanent" way of doing things, not just until I'm locked in. [6]

Allows me my privacy, space, alone time, guy time. Without punishment. [6]

Supportive of, or participatory in, my hobbies and interests. Like concerts I want to go to. My wife doesn't have to share my interests, just not hinder them or nag me or make fun of me because I have them.

Our overall interaction is good. We have chemistry. She brings out the best in me - I feel better after I've talked with her or been with her, not down. She doesn't get down on me for my sense of humor. [6]

She can't have been a co-worker or have worked for the same employer or the same industry, otherwise I wouldn't have dated her.


You might say such a woman doesn't exist. I already know that! It's just more reason I never should have married.


*****

Notes:

1. It was very helpful in determining when someone was NOT a match. People say that this doesn't work or that it is somehow unromantic. But if you're foolish enough to look for a "permanent" partner, you SHOULD eliminate people with whom you're not compatible. Don't let your emotions, boners, and tingles distract you from what will be a huge issue down the line. Of course it has to be "realistic". You can't require your spouse be an astronaut and always be home for dinner. Don't marry unless you find someone who fits that. My mistake was not in having a profile, it was that my wife falsely portrayed herself as that person. And I shouldn't have ever married.

Why did I ever want to get married?

Well, it can probably be explained by several things, including: being raised by middle-class married parents; choosing Evangelicalism (which wasn't my parents doing), being generally conservative, loyal, affectionate, and a "hopeless romantic" made me think marriage was a must. That at least three neighbors and some friends and extended family had divorced parents and that my own parents ended up divorcing should have been a tip off, but it wasn't. Virtually all media I was exposed to growing up and into my early adulthood portrayed marriage as the goal, as the default, as the happily ever after, and implied that only a loser or freak (or gay person) "couldn't" marry. As far as I knew, my parents and all of their siblings got married and stay married (again, my parents splitting after I was grown, but not the others). One set of grandparents stayed married. Another grandparent remarried after my biological grandfather died, and I knew her second husband as my grandfather, and she was married to him until he died, too.

Also, I wanted sex, and had been hoodwinked into thinking that marriage meant lots of good sex, and I was of the belief that "unmarried" sex was wrong. (What really constitutes marriage, from a Biblical perspective, is a whole different matter than I realized.)

2. These things matter less if we're not going to have kids. Whether or not I would want to have kids is a whole different thought experiment. Knowing what I do now, I wouldn't be as set on having children as I had been.

3. This is something I don't have with my wife.

4. It's funny how much of this has me thinking back to an ex girlfriend, with whom I had my longest exclusive relationship (other than my marriage). She had a great personality (no, really) AND she was beautiful, and had what I found to be just about the perfect body (but she refused to grasp that it was). Although I very much liked and loved her as a girlfriend, I was convinced we couldn't be happy as a married couple because of religious and political differences. Of course, we "could" have, if we agreed to be childfree (I wanted children at the time) and have separate accounts and a pre-nup. Some people (like Dr, Laura) wouldn't call that a marriage. Really, the difference from being an unmarried couple is that we would have actually been living together full-time rather than just a few days per week, and we would have been legally responsible for each other and next of kin. She got along with my family, I liked hers. She respected my privacy, I trusted her. 

She ended things when my life shifted and and there was a "good" opportunity for me to move in with her, but I didn't. She didn't really ask me to (or, if she did, I have forgotten), but in retrospect it was what she wanted, and what really triggered the breakup. We kept having some dates, though, and she kept inviting me over at bedtime. At least for a while. She moved her next boyfriend in and he's the guy who married her.

She recently had a bout with cancer. I don't know much about how she's doing, because we're not in contact except for minimal communication every couple of years or so, but from last I heard, her husband was taking good care of her, her cancer was caught and removed early, and she was recovering well.

5. These things don't matter if we're not going to have kids or pets, and thus wouldn't be a necessary part of the ideal if kids and parts are not in the picture.

6. Notice this is something you're not really going to know with reasonable certainty until you've been married for a while.