Dependent Shackup Tells Dear Abby She’s Abused

Time for some more true love!

BAD SCENE IN THE MIDWEST wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm a 37-year-old stay-at-home mother of two teens.

Not employed, not running a business. Doesn't say she homeschools. She stays home and has two teens.

I've been in a relationship with a guy I'll call "Doug" for four years.

What happened to the father or fathers of the teens?

I feel he only wants me here for sex.

That's true of most men, when you really get down to it. I mean, many value the companionship and friendship is there is some, too, but that's more of a byproduct. They often have to be friends and companions with the women to get the sex, or so they think, and the women take up their time, and, they're there. There are couples, including married, who really don't do much together. They may or may not have sex, and attend certain events together, but that's about it.

The way she says "here" and the rest of the letter imply she and her children are living in Doug's place. They're not married. How much money is Doug spending on these three people? Remember, she's not working.

If I say no, he either tries to force it or verbally abuses me.

Force or abuse are unacceptable, period. But clarification on "tries to" and "verbally abuses" would be helpful. "You don't give me what I need" isn't verbal abuse. "You're worthless" is.

But even if he wasn't abusive, if she doesn't want to have sex with him, she should leave.

You know why she doesn't? Because he provides money and services.

He tells me if I don't give him sex, I need to leave so he can bring another woman to do it.

Well that's just silly. He could go out and run game, part of which would be doing it elsewhere. But the real reason you need to leave, in addition to it being an abusive situation, is that it isn't your place.

He will destroy my belongings or call me names.

He couldn't do either of those things if you weren't there.

He says it's my fault that he does that to me.

His actions are his responsibility.

I'm not sure what to do here.

Get out.

Right... but you depend on him. That mistake is going to make things harder, but you have to.

What she can likely do, and a lawyer can fill her in on this, is call the police on the guy and have him kicked out of his own place and still compelled to pay for it, and, possibly, pay her as well and pay child support for those kids even though they aren't his. While he might "deserve" that for being an abuser, most men should NEVER move a woman in to their place, ESPECIALLY one with kids.

When a boyfriend (or husband for that matter) forces their partner to have sex, it isn't foreplay; it is rape.

Agreed. And what is it called when someone is forced to labor for another adult?

What you need to do now is get out of there as safely as you can. Place a confidential call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) and ask for help formulating a plan to safely escape your abuser, because that is what this man is.

She has places to go, thankfully. It's not as easy for abused men.

I'm trying to get the domestic abuse rate down to zero. The best way to avoid abuse is to be independent and don't move in with an abusive person.

This woman apparently has a habit of picking bad men. Bad men apparently turn her on. That’s what young men see over and over again. What do they learn from that?