This Guy Wants Husbands to Pretend They Have Power

I generally think it is a good thing if someone tries to make existing marriages better. Really. I want to get that out right here upfront.

Let's take a look at this tweetstorm. Here's the TL;dr: Husbands, choose to be happy and content.

Over the past decade, I've met with dozens of men in failing marriages.

Most married men are, or will be, in a failing marriage.

If you want to be happy in a marriage that lasts, here's what you need to know:

Hmmm....

1 - They no longer believe they need what their wife offers.

Most men don't need what their wife offers. They never did. Don't believe me? When a man complains that his wife doesn't do something, if enough people hear it, he will always be told he can live without it, or that he can do it himself. No matter what it is. Sex, encouragement, companionship, cooking, cleaning, laundry, whatever. If a man can live without it, he doesn't need it. And there are men who aren't married, including some who never were married, who are doing well.

For the most part, I believe people do a great job of choosing a spouse.

So, this guy is deluded. Most people marry someone because of timing. It's the person they're with when they figure they should marry.

The problem is that men begin to discount what their wife offers over time.

Well, yeah. She cuts back on what she offers, both in quality and quality, and he learns how to do more things himself or do without. And, like it not, men are attracted to youth, vitality, beauty, variety, new seductions. Men had been willing to trade that for certain things that, in many cases, are no longer being given in return.

The exact reasons that drew you to her become the frustrations, annoyances, and differences that drive you apart.

Sounds doomed!

Men in failing marriages have lost the belief that their wife offers anything they need.

In failing marriages? When a woman turns against her husband, you're right - they're going to lose that belief.

If you want to be happy in a marriage that lasts,

It starts with believing that your wife is exactly what you need.

Delusional people can be happy, yes, as long as their delusion doesn't bump up against harsh reality.

Make it a habit to remember why you married her.

I married my wife because she pretended to be someone she wasn't and isn't.

You're not as grown up and well-rounded as you think you are.

Here it comes. "You're not such hot stuff. Be grateful some women took pity on you!"

Choose gratitude as your foundation.

Gratitude is a good thing. More wives should grasp that.

2 - They have chosen to no longer find their wife sexually attractive.

I say "chosen" on purpose.

This might happen when she's rejecting him, as survival.

Men in failing marriages seek sexual gratification outside of their marriage.

Whether it's a physical affair or pornography,

They've shut down their desire for their wife.

Your spouse is meant to be your most intimate relationship.

Men can only take so much rejection from someone whose bills they are paying.

If you want to be happy in a marriage that lasts,

Cut off all outlets for sexual fulfillment outside of your wife.

Choose her as the focus of your desire,

And it will ripple into a deepening of every facet of your relationship.

This is delusional. It pretends a wife has no agency, that what she does or doesn't do doesn't matter. I mean, if you're addressing men who are initiating affairs even though their wife is an available partner, that makes sense. But for most husbands, this doesn't apply.

3 - They aren't investing their lives into anything other than their work.

Men in failing marriages live in a very small story.

They see no greater purpose to their lives than making money and collecting acclaim.

Here we go. If you provide, you're not around enough. If you don't, you're a deadbeat. Men do gravitate to where they are appreciated, yes.

Your wife doesn't want your money.

She wants you...fully alive.

This is only true when a husband has a great career going. Since he can't be faulted for failing to provide, it becomes "Your money isn't important!" Oh, it would be important if he was falling short. Many, perhaps most, wives despise their husbands.

Counseling has made a big impact on me.

What a surprise!

4 - They refuse to take genuine responsibility for their problems.

Men in failing marriages give lip service to their culpability.

But it always sounds like,

"I know I haven't been the best husband, but..."

I take full responsibility for making the mistake of marrying.

Then the reasons why it's all their wife's fault start flowing.

No, it's not all her fault. I should never have married. The laws are terrible. But breadwinning husbands do lose all of their power. And, I'm sorry, when she married me under false pretenses, how was I supposed to know that? I could have, if I had demanded access to various records. How well do you think that would have gone over?

There are few things more damaging to a man's soul than a sense of powerlessness.

Well, yeah. That's why I tell most men not to marry.

When you refuse to accept responsibility,

You're not quitting on your marriage.

You're quitting on yourself.

You're deciding that you're too weak and helpless to effect change.

If you want to be happy in a marriage that lasts,

You have to shift your beliefs about the problems you're facing.

You have to own them and make it your mission to resolve them.

Not just your part.  

You own the whole thing.

Whatever it takes.

Find the power in humility.

What is that even supposed to mean? Let's take sex, and just one aspect of it. My wife says she can't do it more often. What the ---- am I supposed to do with that? Nothing I can do is going to change that. She's made it clear. It's not a matter of, say, bringing flowers home more often or listening to her talk more. Nothing is going to change her on this. There's no resolution to that unless you're telling me to artificially lower my drive. I'm not going to step out on her. What's the resolution to this other than divorcing?

5 - They all believe in the inverted law of happiness.

Why do I hear flute music?

Happiness is an internal reality.

He's basically saying choose to be happy. Hey, can husbands say that to their wives when being nagged? How well do you think that will go over?

Choose to say "no" to what if.

Choose to say "yes" to what is.

Accept your lot in life, you beaten dogs!

Very interesting thread. He never brings up the fact that divorce can be unilateral for no reason at all, and that women file the overwhelming percentage of divorces.

Some people hate to hear it, but Dr. Laura is right when she says that women have far more power in a marriage to make the marriage good or bad.

Anyway... choose to be happy and content. Free men can do the same. No need to marry! And "choose to be happy and content" can be applied to countless other things, too, but some people only insist on applying it for certain things. He mentioned counseling. All counselors should just tell people who seek their services "choose to be happy and content." Problems solved, right?

The good news is I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping my wife happy. I don't go around expressing anger or sadness. I keep it inside. Tell my therapist. Write about it here. Tweet. I'm trapped, at least for now. So I warn other men. Attempting to change things to be more to my liking will diminish her happiness. This is my life. At least for now.