Woman Is Surprised by Modern Dating

Let's check in on Dear Abby and see what's happening there.

NOT CONNECTING IN MISSOURI wrote:

I am a 48-year-old woman, divorced for 10 years.

Let's see... Missouri... middle aged... yeah, not going to be able to get a very high bid.

During that time, I have been in two serious relationships.

I'm wondering what that means? Most likely that she had tha feelz for them.

I'm no prude, but it seems like everyone I date, and who my friends and I talk to, and articles I see are all about sex, having sex, rushing to sex.

Yep. Because sex is fun.

It's like there's no emphasis on actually getting to know a person anymore.

Don't you get to know someone better when you have sex with them?

Let's translate this into English: "I want a man to spend more money on me before I'll have sex with him."

If she TRULY wanted to get to know a guy more, they'd write back and forth and talk on the phone or video chat. She can ask all the questions she wants that way to get to know him better. It doesn't need to be over a dinner at a restaurant.

I'd like to believe that sex is something people who are already emotionally intimate can share.

People can also share it when they're not emotionally intimate. Clearly.

But by the third date, sex is not only expected but considered "normal."

Yes. Society no longer believes sex is for marriage. So why is the third date rule wrong?

When I say that it's too soon for me, I'm not called back for another date.

Of course not. These men are not looking for a woman with whom they will have babies or who will decorate their home. They want a woman with whom they enjoy having sex. Part of that is going to be a woman who wants sex. Very much. And you don't. You come across as the kind of woman who will be scheduling sex on a calendar, to be once or twice per month.

These guys can find women younger, hotter, and more enthusiastic about sex than you; women who aren't as much work.

If I do go forward with sex, I feel compromised and cheapened when the "relationship" ends.

If they're the ones ending the relationship, it is because the sex wasn't worth everything else that the relationship brought with it. Sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it. If you do enjoy it, well, you're getting the same thing out of this that they are.

These men didn't take the time to actually know me.

They learned all they needed to. They're not looking for a friend. They're looking for someone they will enjoy having sex with.

Are there any men out there who want a connection that isn't just physical?

Most of these guys already have friends. And they're not looking to start having children with you. They are used to having sex. If they recently got out of a marriage, they were probably sex-starved and looking to make up for lost time. They have established lives. They have everything they need. The main thing they're looking for in dating is sex. And they can get sex without spending a lot of time and money. So if you're going to hold out for more money and more time, they're going to go elsewhere.

There are guys in her age range who'll wait. But will she like those guys? Wealthy men around her age are going for women younger than her. A guy who will wait as long as she wants is going to be extremely religious (which brings up the question as to why he is divorced or never married at that age), or be a closet case, or have a very low drive, or something else going on that will be a problem.

She doesn't mention if she has kids. Even grown children are baggage and these guys might not want to deal with that. They might just want to date her, not socialize with her kids.

Available men her age who are looking for the kind of relationship she seems to want are likely going to be divorced with children. Her best bet would be trying to find a widower who never had kids. Or, she can go younger or older. An older guy will be more likely to be able to take care of her financially without wanting a lot of sex. A younger guy won't be taking care of her financially, but will bring a lot of sexual excitement, if she wants any, and if he's not (yet) a player, he might provide the boyfriend experience.

Here's the thing about being a woman who divorces in her late thirties or later: It's going to be hard to find something better. So you need to be OK with being on your own. If your husband is abusive, of course you should get the heck out. But don't be delusional about it. It is hard to find an available, marriageable man after a certain age, and even if you do, there's a high divorce rate.