Thursday, December 18, 2008

It Doesn't Have to Be Intercourse to Be Cheating

Sally Law has a piece (so to speak) at LiveScience.com about what is and isn't "cheating" with a generation raised post-Clinton/Lewinsky.

In 2005, the federal government released a study that found more than 50 percent of American teenagers had engaged in oral sex; furthermore, they considered oral sex a less-significant substitution for intercourse.

While it doesn't carry the risk of pregnancy, it is enough to spread STDs and cause emotional bonding. There are also women who do try to get pregnant by transferring fluids from one location to another.

A recent study conducted by the University of Northern Iowa and Pennsylvania State University finds that undergraduates in relationships hold their significant others to a stricter definition of sex than they hold themselves.

Geography can also have something to do with it. For example, some American women don't "count" sexual activity they engage in while in Mexico. Or at a bachelorette party.

"Men believe that when women have sex it is not just a pleasure-seeking behavior but an emotional experience, so it is very threatening," Donin says. "And I believe that on some very basic level, men still see women as their property."

No more than women see men as their property or see themselves as entitled to the earnings of a man.

All of this makes the future of relationships seem pretty dismal - which, according to The New York Times, isn't a problem, as relationships are becoming a thing of the past, anyway.

The more generations raised without both their mother and father actually raising them instead of both working full time outside of the home, the less we'll have people who can related to each other well. Also, men have been portrayed as the enemy of women for so long. Finally, we're a society that thinks we have a right to slaughter our own offspring for our own, often selfish, reasons. Those things don’t bode well for relationships.

"Hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know," writes Charles M. Blow in a Dec. 13 article. "Under [this] new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date."

That's what the woman might be thinking, but a true male player will simply move on to other women once a woman he's seeing starts making demands of his money and non-sexual time.
Just don't hook up behind your boyfriend's back. That's cheating. Maybe.

Sheesh. I understand that people make promises to each other, and that when someone specifically says they are going to be monogamous with their partner, they are breaking their word if they aren’t. But really – what is the big deal about breaking your word if you are already fornicating? Fornicating isn't wrong, but breaking your word is? Why be faithful to another flawed human being when you aren't faithful to God? Why respect someone else when you don’t respect yourself? If were talking the "rules of the world", the mistake comes in promising to be monogamous in the first place. Players should never promise such a thing. They can let her delude herself into thinking they are monogamous.

The healthiest thing, though, is to save sex for marriage. And yes, for these purposes, any contact with each other's genitals or anal cavity is sex. Even in Cancun. Even at a bachelorette party in Cancun.

5 comments:

  1. Your last paragraph made me laugh. The old "What happens in Vegas..." until some girl shows up pregnant or some guy calls about his STD, eh? Yuck, no thanks.

    I think even spending emotional time talking intimately and privately is also cheating on my husband. There is no need for me to have that kind of relationship with a man now that I'm married. Women are emotional creatures and ALL my intimacies should belong to my hubby.

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  2. Good points, Stephanie. Thanks for commenting.

    Ideally, our spouses should be our best friends and we shouldn't have "side friendships" with people of the opposite sex. If our spouses aren't in on the friendships, then that can lead to trouble.

    If we feel like talking about problems with our spouses or how we interact with our spouses, then that is something we need to talk about with our spouse... or with a pastor/counselor - not with a friend or coworker, especially not one of the opposite sex.

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  3. Anonymous11:47 AM

    You know I have to wonder what the point of even trying is anymore. I saved myself for my wife but she slept around before me and it always bothered me. Our bond was never really complete and in the end probably was a contributing factor to our divorce. The point is as a male finding a woman who has saved herself for you is basically impossible when women are past the age of 16. Good luck. Again the teaching of the LORD on this is very specific but the situation is that women (even Christian women) do NOT save themselves and then fully expect forgiveness and will lambaste you for not forgiving them or even being bothered by it for more than 2 minutes. As a Christian I look at this as if it is basically impossible now. A decent young man who waits will find that there are no chaste women and certainly not in mainline Christian churches. Heck it is a very damning testimony that most Asian cultures value chastity FAR more than Western society and church attendance or belief really doesn't matter. What is worse we as men are told that we better swallow this and like it and if we don't we're not "Christ like" in our behavior. So we should wait and reserve ourselves for marriage but for women it's just fine to slut themselves out for anyone then wait for captain save a ho' to charge in and pay full price for them. I say this as a Christian and fully committed one... this model is failing and 99% of women simply do not wait, period. If you are a guy the only way you are not going to deeply resent this is basically do the exact same thing or stay a monk all your life.

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  4. Anonymous,

    I can understand your feelings on this. Thanks for commenting.

    >>I saved myself for my wife but she slept around before me and it always bothered me.<<

    Unfortunately, this happens and it also happens with the sexes reversed.

    Did you two talk about this before you married? If so, did you realize it was going to bother you?

    >>The point is as a male finding a woman who has saved herself for you is basically impossible when women are past the age of 16.<<

    It certainly can be difficult in today's culture. It usually makes sense to get married later, but then the chances of either spouse abstaining all that time get more unlikely. There ARE women out there who abstain until marriage without the wedding being before their 20th birthday. And some of those women actually have libidos and are attractive.

    >>Again the teaching of the LORD on this is very specific but the situation is that women (even Christian women) do NOT save themselves and then fully expect forgiveness and will lambaste you for not forgiving them or even being bothered by it for more than 2 minutes.<<

    Yes... this happens not only in this area but others, too. Guys do this, too. It is wrong to have the attitude "I can do whatever I want... because Jesus will forgive me." Also, "Nothing I have ever done in the past can have consequences today." Uh, yes, it can.

    >>A decent young man who waits will find that there are no chaste women and certainly not in mainline Christian churches.<<

    It is hard to find them, but not impossible. If my choice had been "pure, but low libido or social disorder" vs. "has some experience, but has a strong libido and is well adjusted" I would have choosen the latter. But those aren't the only choices... just the most prevalent ones.

    >>So we should wait and reserve ourselves for marriage but for women it's just fine to slut themselves out for anyone then wait for captain save a ho' to charge in and pay full price for them.<<

    I don't agree with that. I think I even wrote about this on this blog in response to a Dear Abby column. Someone who has kept themselves sexually pure has every "right" to refuse to marry someone who hasn't. But the important thing is to discuss it ahead of time, and then... NOT marry the person. Yes, it can be hard if you have been bonding and developing feelings to end the relationship - but it is better than marrying into a situation with such a huge stumbling block.

    Being unmarried and desiring to marry can certainly be hell these days. (Being married to the wrong person is also hell.) And yes, too often the church today considers women who fornicate to be "victims" and males who fornicate to be predators. Even Dr. Laura, who I usually agree with and who is not a Christian, tells women who are shacking up or fornicating that they are letting a man use them and getting nothing in return. Well, such women ARE getting something (I wrote about this a few entries ago).

    Anyway, these conditions often create a dichotomy... someone who has to "maintain appearances" - Christian or part of some traditional subculture - will fornicate under cover of darkness outside of their circle... with people they could never end up marrying... and they keep that seperate from the rest of their life. Then, it comes time to marry, they will marry someone within the church, or whatever. (In SoCal, a good example is Armenians in the Glendale area... they are often expected to be chaste and marry other Armenians. So they'll fornicate with non-Armenians until they marry.) There are even women who will have their hymen surgically recreated.

    Bottom lines here... 1. It is okay to expect to be equally yoked as far as past experiences, and if that is important we should not feel obligated to marry someone who doesn't have the same sort of background; 2. Be honest with yourself and each other before marrying. None of this "I only slept with two men" when you really mean 6 men, divided by 3.

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  5. Anonymous6:51 AM

    This is one of the reasons I dislike Christianity. It sets some unrealistic expectations that fly in the face of human sexuality. I say this as an agnostic and not a raving atheist.

    I've found for sometime now that Christians do more premarital screwing than any of my non-religious friends. How do you explain this?

    Here is a blog title that may offend some, but I like his points:

    http://bulletproofpimp.blogspot.com/2008/12/rick-warrens-gay-problem.html

    "In defending himself, Rick resorts to typical Christian thought:

    1)Humans are evil or sinful by nature

    2)Humans have natural desires, whether a man desires to have sex with a beautiful woman or with another man

    3)Since these desires are an expression of a sinful nature, they must be suppressed

    The image created by Rick is of a man constantly at war with himself, following the seemingly arbitrary dictates of divine law. If you don't accept scripture, then Rick has run out of arguments. The rationale for fighting human nature evaporates if you don't accept the Bible as authoritative.

    But there is another argument to be made, one that is supported by the Bible as well as reason. All living creatures have an incredible drive to reproduce. Animals such as salmon, preying mantises and black widow spiders will die to reproduce. According to evolutionary psychologist David Buss, if any aspect of human behavior is inherited, it is mating and sexual behavior.

    Let me make a simple observation: Healthy orientations are those that lead to successful reproduction."

    Whether you sleep with more than one is a personal choice that one has to deal with as an individual. I will always have contempt for women who sleep with an idiot, become emotionally brain damaged by it, and then want to project this attitude onto other men.

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