Everything Must Go!
A look at the world from a sometimes sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, decidedly American male perspective. Lately, this blog has been mostly about gender issues, dating, marriage, divorce, sex, and parenting via analyzing talk radio, advice columns, news stories, religion, and pop culture in general. I often challenge common platitudes, arguments. and subcultural elements perpetuated by fellow Evangelicals, social conservatives. Read at your own risk.
Thursday, October 17, 2024
Why Aren't You Married?
[I'm bumping up this entry because it is as relevant as ever. I noticed that I indicated that things go well in my marriage some of the time. "Well" is a relative term. If you would have described to me the "good" time in my marriage now before I married, I wouldn't have married.]
Even when things are going well in my marriage, I’m not one of those married guys who thinks everyone should be married. Unless someone has a baby on the way, it irritates me when I see someone pressuring someone else to get married. [My thinking on this has changed.]
Whether you are officially on a marriage strike or you have decided marriage is not for you, the fact remains that most people will get married at some time in their life, and so many people assume everyone wants to get married. Whether from relatives or coworkers or women who want you to buy them drinks, or fellow religious congregants, guys get to hear it over and over again: "Why aren't you married?"
If you are a Free Man or part of Men Going Their Own Way, or you are a marriage striker, or have simply decided marriage is not for you, what works as a good reply to this annoying question? Being married, I don’t use these, of course, but let's look at a few possible replies. Please comment with any good ones you have, too.
Here are six responses, getting progressively more provocative (I keep in mind that casual sex is no loner discouraged in our culture):
Wednesday, October 16, 2024
Breaking An Engagement
So you're engaged. You proposed (or maybe she did) and you gave her a ring. You might even have a wedding date, but nothing has been reserved or paid for yet. Invitations have not gone out. (If you're not engaged, just a couple, see this entry on how to break up.)
You need to prevent this from going any further.
Some people stay in perpetual "engagement" by never setting a wedding date or repeatedly pushing back the date. You should only try that if you truly like the way things are now and are certain they wouldn't be better if you were free. However, such situations are almost inevitably and increasingly filled with tension as she will try to get you more and more trapped and under her control.
The first step to breaking an engagement is to prevent further entanglement. It will help if you're "very busy right now" with work or issues with your parents/siblings, etc.
If you don't live together, don't start. If you do live together, see what I wrote here. If you've been spending a lot of time/overnights at her place, get as much of your stuff that you want to keep back to your place. If she notices and asks about it, and you're not ready to hit the eject button yet, just say you don't want to clutter up her place. If she's been spending a lot of time/overnights at your place, keep in mind the things that are hers that you're going to have to send back to her. Be ready to change your locks/access codes when you do hit the eject button.
Don't make big purchases with her or for her, or sign paperwork (loans, mortgages, leases, contracts) with or for her, or open up financial or online accounts with her.
Don't set dates, make reservations, or make deposits for any wedding related stuff (wedding ceremony, reception, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, etc.) Delay, delay, delay. Same goes with providing her an invitation list.
There's a lot more to it, but most of what I wrote in How to Break Up also applies to breaking an engagement, and I'll again direct you to this entry, which explains how to deal with or get out of certain entanglements you might have.
Take care of yourself.
Remember that breaking the engagement was a good decision even if:
- It is a hassle, difficult, and disruptive
- It cost you money
- People in your life aren't happy about it
- You grew up thinking you'd be married, especially at this age
- You're feeling sad, bad, or horny
- You miss certain things about her or your relationship with her
- She has gone into a downward spiral
- She is improving herself (that just goes to show you she took your loyalty for granted!)
- She appears to living it up
- She is now with a guy who seems "better" than you
If you have at least one child together: You need to consider what is best for that child. Some people will tell you that marrying is best for the children. But as long as you are determined to be there for your children, a terrible state contract doesn't make anything better. A positive, cooperative relationship with the mother of your children does. (DO NOT conceive any more children, especially with another woman!) You might try avoiding or delaying the wedding. You definitely need to consult a lawyer. If this woman would agree to customized paperwork, like a cohabitation agreement, and a non-legal ceremony (if she really, really insists on having a wedding), it can be better than getting legally married. Point out to her that you two are doing fine already without getting the government involved.
Tuesday, October 15, 2024
"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 6
Male nature means he's thought about it. Keep reading for an explanation of what I mean.
I've meant to write something like this for a long time now, but after seeing a couple of women on Reddit asking related questions, I'm finally doing this.
You need to sit down and brace yourself. This may come as a surprise to women, especially the more "education" they've been through, but...
You might need to take a minute to recover from reading that. You might be angry with me. But it's the truth. And the sooner you accept that, the better off everyone will be. Read it as many times as you need.
You need to keep that truth in mind when you say you want men (or, "your" man) to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be open, to share things with you, to tell you what they're thinking, to share their fantasies, to not have secrets from you, etc.
Because here's one thing that it means that might startle, disturb, or disgust you, because you literally have a brain that works differently:
Are there exceptions? Yes. They include:
Monday, October 14, 2024
The Passing Parade of Radio
Saturday, October 12, 2024
Important Messages to Young Men - Health Is Invaluable
Health is invaluable. If you're in good health and haven't been suffering from any serious illnesses, genetic problems, or injuries, you might feel indestructible and not be thinking much about it, but good health is one of the most important things in life and shouldn't be taken for granted. Bad health is limiting, costly, and time consuming.
If you're in good health, you almost certainly have fewer years of good health ahead of you than overall time, and as I said previously in this series, life is short. Someday, an injury or illness or just plain old age will do you in.
You have no control over which genes you got, but you can control what you consume and whatever else you do.
So:
- Get the sleep you need
- Keep yourself on the move by walking briskly, bicycling, hiking, climbing, or swimming - something with "cardio."
- Build and keep your muscles - like with cardio, you don’t have to join a gym to do this, if you need to save money and have the discipline to do it without a formal gym
- Control your anger, rage, aggression, and depression - therapy, exercise, and hobbies can help
- Watch what you eat and drink - the best way to lose excess fat is to never put it on in the first place - the 2nd best way is to move more and eat less
- Practice good hygiene, keeping your body washed, your hands washed and/or sanitized throughout the day, brush and floss your teeth and use a rinse
- Be careful about where you stick your penis and your mouth, and get tested regularly if you're not
- Be careful about steroids, booze, smoking of any sort, vaping, or any mind/mood altering substances whether prescribed, legally allowed, or illegal - you want your brain to function at its optimum, you don’t want addiction, and dirty needles are death
- Don't pick unnecessary fights and be careful about fights picking you - consider serious self-defense training, which will teach that it’s usually best to avoid a fight
- Don’t engage in stupid, unnecessary risks, like street racing
- Don’t shortcut safety protections for work
- Go to your doctors - all of them, including your dentist, and don’t ignore symptoms
Thursday, October 10, 2024
One Difference Between My Wife and Me
One of many differences between my wife and me is that if I had a spouse who enjoyed giving enthusiastic oral sex that culminated in orgasms, I'd let them do that daily, or at least every other day, rather than once every three-to-six weeks.
Wednesday, October 09, 2024
Correlation Isn't Causation: Lower Risk of Divorce in Religious Young Marrieds
"A study shows that religious people who marry young and didn't shack up are less likely to divorce!"
The people who tout this want you to believe that if you're religious and marry young, without shacking up, you'll have a lasting, happy marriage.
Well, it might last legally.
There are other studies, though, that show that among all people who marry, people who marry in their late twenties are less likely to divorce than people who marry before then.
What gives?
There's a hint in the fact that people who marry really young don't have the time to cohabitate before they marry. It's a bit like saying that there's a low cancer rate among people killed in school shootings.
Here's what's going on.
People who are so religious that they get married young (this avoids unmarried sex) without having shacked up are also going to be so religious as to think that divorce is a terrible sin (also, they are probably living where - geographically and subculturally - there aren't a lot of options for other partners/spouses should they divorce). So they stay married.
Now, you might ask if these really are happy marriages.
The same people who want you to believe it's a good idea to marry young without shacking up also will tell you these people who've done that report that they are happy (with their marriage).
Of course they do! Because:
1. They see the alternative as being a terrible sinner, a pariah if they were divorced, looked upon with disapproval by the people who have been most important in their life. They aren't comparing their marriage to true freedom or another marriage. They are comparing it to having lawyers and courts and shaming and gossip and no sex or affection or company at all.
2. Admitting to researchers that they are miserable, or even just less than very happy, with their marriage is considered sin (such as ingratitude).
3. If they have picked up any of the "Word of Faith" type thinking, they would think it is a "negative confession" to say their marriage isn't great; they think it would make their marriage worse to admit it.
So, what happens? They stay together, miserable, and deal with it by eating, drinking, antidepressants, golfing, watching football all weekend, maybe beating each other up, having affairs, suicide, etc.
I know these people. I've been around a lot of them. A lot of them will claim to be ever so happy in their marriage right up until the moment they file for divorce, or kill themselves, or admit to an affair, or worse. Yes, some of them will divorce, just later.
I discourage most men from legally marrying or from shacking up, but if you're going to marry, DO NOT DO IT until you've achieved your dream. Don't believe these misleading reports. Yes, it would be nice to have a wife who "doesn't believe in divorce" but not if it means misery.
Tuesday, October 08, 2024
Oh No! Not Lower Fertility Rates!
If you don't know what "fertility rates" are, it refers to the average number of children born to a group.
There are people freaking out that certain populations are having fewer children. Who? Well:
- People who want more taxpayers around to support the government-run ponzi schemes like Social Security
- Government agencies (and their unions) that rely on saying they need to serve children in order to keep their funding
- Businesses that sell a lot of overpriced, quickly consumed or outgrown stuff for children
- Businesses that "serve" children, such as day orphanages
- Racists who are afraid the "wrong" people will outnumber their descendants
Monday, October 07, 2024
Is There An Obligation to Complete A Date?
Saturday, October 05, 2024
Running Game - You Have a Right to Remain Silent
....or say very little.
Anything you say can and might be used against you.
When running game, you’ll usually find the less you say, the better. Anything you say can be used against you as a reason NOT to do what you’d like. It could be anything from your birth date (= astrological sign), your political party, or your favorite band.
Pick up lines or “opens” should be avoided in a place like a bar. Wait for her to come to you. On a date or any other time it’s the two of you, encourage HER to talk as much as possible. This does three main things: 1) It gives her positive feelings/impressions about you; 2) It reduces the chances you’ll say something that turns her off; and 3) It clues you in to how to move things to what you want.
Dr. Laura tells the story about how, when she was a student working in a lab, another female student there was having a tough time with a guy and ended up crying all over Dr. Laura’s nice blouse, spilling her guts while Dr. Laura basically just patted her on her back. That other woman recalled the incident as being one in which Dr. Laura had just the right words. Except Dr. Laura hadn’t said much of anything to her.
Similarly, in employment interviews, if the interviewee has gotten the interviewer to talk a lot about themselves, that tends to give the interviewer a favorable impression of the candidate.
Like most tactics, this won’t work with every woman. There are women who are determined to give you the third degree and are paying enough attention to know what you’re doing when you avoid giving her information to be used against you. But this tactic does work for a lot of women.
If they ask you questions about yourself, try to keep the answers short and deflect back to them.
Example:
Her: Do you like dogs?
You: There are so many breeds! How about you?
Notice, you never actually answered. You’ve deflected it back to her, and hopefully, she’ll keep talking. She’ll likely tell you about her dog, or the breeds she likes. There’s a slight chance she’ll tell you she’s allergic or has a phobia. That’s all information you can use. If you have a dog, and that would be a problem for her, you don’t even have to reveal that. She's not going to be meeting your dog anyway.
You might even be able to avoid answering direct questions with jokes or “funny stories” her question “reminds you” of. You have to be careful, though, as you don’t want to inadvertently hit one of her turnoffs. But if it goes well, you get her to laugh (big plus!) AND she’ll not even realize you dodged answering a question.
Another way is to say something like “I’ve been talking in meetings all day, tell me about your…(day, hobby, pet...)”
Saying as little as possible and paying close attention to her (while giving off the vibe that you're in demand and have better things to do than her) helps. In my wayward youth, I was starting to date a woman who didn’t want to tell me her birthday. I narrowed it down from things she’d said. Then she ended up revealing it to me because she’d mistakenly thought I’d figured it out. This allowed me to mark the occasion with a gift, card, etc. (This was before I knew about running game - I now tell men to get scarce around her birthday.)
If you do this right, most women aren’t going to notice you didn’t actually answer their questions. She’ll feel connected to you because you listened so well as she rambled on and on. They’ll fill in the gaps with their feelings, hopes, wishes, delusions, and their own preferences, like a script or casting sheet she has in her head. Women do this with celebrities they think are hot. “I bet he likes the beach, just like me!” There are celebrities the woman you’re dating would have sex with within two minutes of meeting him, even though the only things she knows about him are what he’s said in publicity interviews, which aren't real life. That’s because of his fame, his perceived wealth, and her made-up thoughts about him. She doesn’t really know if he wants kids. Or if he wants to get married. Or if he wants to live on a farm or in a skyscraper.
This isn’t just in-person talks. It applies to phone calls and texting as well. Keep what you say limited.
Remember, this isn't about finding a life partner or a spouse with whom you can "be your true self." This is about keeping dates casual and fun, and spending as little time, money, and effort on your dates. The less she really knows about you other than what turns you on, the better. The less you can actually say to her that has any meaning to it other than telling her what you want her to do, the better. Your words should be few and should support your presentation.
Friday, October 04, 2024
It's Like A Vasectomy Advertisement
MISSING THE CLOSENESS wrote in to Dear Abby:
We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.
Why aren't you rushing to get married, men??? I am emphasizing certain words and phrases because a lot of comments accused him of only caring about sex.
Wow, he might be getting more sex than me. How sad for my marriage.
True! And some husbands torture and murder their wife.
Thursday, October 03, 2024
Should You Have a Woman as a Friend?
Inspired by a comment, I want to explore the concept of you, a heterosexual man, having a female friend or multiple female friends.
I'm talking about actual friends, not mere acquaintances.
If you're married, shacking up, or in an exclusive relationship, and hopefully you're not - but if you are, you really "shouldn't" have female friends with whom your girlfriend/wife isn't friends, and certainly not ones your girlfriend/wife doesn't know about.
"But Ken! I was friends with her before I started this relationship!" Yeah, well, this one of those countless reasons not to get into exclusive relationships in the first place. If your girlfriend/wife isn't friends with her, and you're not hiding her, she's almost certainly been the subject of arguments between you and "your" woman. Right? OK, for some of you unmarried guys, your girlfriend is waiting until you sign on the dotted line (which you shouldn't do!) before she starts trying to end your friendship.
But what about you free men? Is it OK, is it smart, to have female friends? And if you have such friends, should you become scarce around the holidays?
Wednesday, October 02, 2024
Is This How You Want to Live?
From a recent Dear Abby column, COVERING MY EYES IN TENNESSEE wrote:
What a strange thing for a man married to a woman to write.
Why is he reacting this way?
Most men would LOVE this!
Is he gay???
Very, very strange.
Hmm.
What's going on here?
Tuesday, October 01, 2024
It’s Not Too Early To Form Your Holiday Game Plan
Free Men, and men who want to be, it's NOT to early to think about the holidays, and by that, I mean Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day.
There are two main considerations for you:
1) Dealing with family and "friends" who will be asking you (or pestering you) about your status as a free man. You know how it goes. "When are you going to get married?" Questions like that.
2) Avoiding spending those special days with a woman who wants to take away your status as Free Man, or will be expecting you to spend a lot of time, money, and effort on her.
Don't do something something foolish and start thinking there is "the one" to whom you should hand over your freedom. Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman.