Keeping Boundaries As a Free Man

If you are a Free Man, meaning you don't have a wife and don't live with a woman, I implore you to enjoy your freedom. I also urge you to keep your freedom. 

That might sound easy. I mean, don't you have to decide to move in together and don't you have to ask a woman to marry you?

Sure, but it gets more complicated than that.

Some women literally scheme to get pregnant even though you've made it clear you don't want to have children. Some women incrementally move-in-by-stealth. Some women nag and nag and nag (and even get your family to join in) to get you to "propose".

You need to keep boundaries in order to stay a Free Man.

AVOID POP DNA TESTS. Don't buy them for your family, either. You can't stop them being foolish and taking them, but avoid taking one yourself. No good will come from one of those. The only time you should take a DNA test is through the advice and arrangement of your lawyer.


Monk or Ghost

This is the the most extreme way of staying a Free Man without literally going off to be an isolated hermit. Some men decide to avoid women as much as possible. They don't date, they don't have female friends, they don't work for or with women, and they don't have any professional or financial connections to women (for example, they refuse to have a woman as an accountant or doctor). That is extreme, but for some it works.


Stay Present But Independent

This is the less extreme way. You can still participate in society and interact with women. You just need to be persistent and firm in keeping yourself independent. Let's consider how to do this.

Being Free Isn’t Being Deficient

 

You are a complete person.

You’re sufficient.

You don’t need a spouse, a partner, or whatever anyone wants to call another person to be a complete person and to live a great, productive, honorable, worthwhile life.

Yes, we’re all flawed. Yes, we all have our limitations. Yes, we all need other people to do things or we won’t have food, shelter, etc. (And yes, I believe we all need Jesus.)

But you are a complete person. Having Jesus + a wife won’t save you. The wife doesn’t factor in to your salvation.

You can have a residence, contribute to society, have a great career, be a good friend, and all of that without a wife, a partner, or a girlfriend.

You don’t need someone living with you, having any control over how you live, what you do, how you decorate, what you eat, what you watch, when you go to bed, when you wake up. You don’t need someone there costing you money, taking up your time, nagging you, criticizing you, arguing with you, interfering with your life.

You’re sufficient.

One Example of a Free Man

It didn't occur to me until the other day that a friend I've had for decades is an excellent example of a Free Man. [This entry has been bumped up, relevant as ever.]

I need to keep things vague to protect his privacy. If I described his work, you would almost certainly be familiar with at least some of it. He's helped create billions of dollars in value in his career.

I keep seeing assertions that men who adopt the marriage strike will end up lonely, sad, pathetic, etc. But my friend, let's call him Henry, is in his 70s now and he seems very happy. He's certainly admired.

He's never been married. As far as I know, he's never had a woman (or man) living with him since college and hasn't had an exclusive girlfriend since early adulthood. He has no children (or, if he does, they were adopted out and remain a secret). This isn't for a lack of potential suitors. There is no shortage of women (or men!) who'd marry him if they could.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 8

 

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here.


Men don't do well alone.

Some men don't do well alone. Some women don't, too. So what? Why should that compel men who don't want to sign a terrible state contract to do so? How about teaching more people how to thrive independently?

Some men are responsible, happy, thriving, and productive on their own.

Men certainly don't do well in bad marriages or when they are screwed over by the family courts.

Ask the marriage seller where they are getting this idea from. It may be from media, which tends to portray men as bumbling fools who need a woman to run their life. They might try to use statistics, which almost always is a matter that comes down to "which is the cart, and which is the horse.” For example, certain crimes tend to be committed by young, unmarried men. But young men are likely to be unmarried, unless they are members of certain religious subgroups, and maybe the fact that they are violent criminals is why they aren't married; implying that signing a terrible state contract magically turns criminals into great citizens is bizarre. Why should any woman be asked to take that on?

When a woman says men don't do well alone, she might be revealing that she has a low opinion of men. When a man says it, he's usually telling on himself. He didn't do well alone, or at least that's how he remembers it. I did great on my own. I was in great financial shape, and doing well physically, professionally, socially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I didn't go hungry, lived in cleanliness, had clean clothes to wear, and had good hygiene. I was dating, I learned not to waste my time or money when I did.

You can probably cite examples of men who have done well on their own. You might be one of them.

Finally, just because someone won't sign a terrible state contract doesn't mean they are alone.

So, some of the ways to answer this include:

A) I'm doing fantastic alone!

B) I'm not married, and yet I'm not alone.

C) It's not a binary choice. Being unmarried doesn't necessarily mean being alone.

D) It's never been easier to thrive being alone. Let's show more people how they can.

E) Would you please explain what you mean by that? (They will likely use statistics in a misleading way, or hallucinate about some poor slob who can't take care of himself. If the latter, ask them if they mean that wives should take care of husbands as if they are their mother.)


It isn't good for man to be alone.

This is either the same thing as the assertion above or citation of Genesis. This assertion has no effect on anyone who doesn't take the first few chapters of Genesis as prescriptive and authoritative for how we live today. It's like trying to order one's life around the understanding that tortoises beat hares in speed.

If someone does consider the early chapters of Genesis to have prescriptive authority over life today, then they can note that this was a statement made when Adam was completely alone. In that sense, none of us are alone anymore as there are over eight billion people in the world now.

So the answer here is, "We're not alone."

If the person who is trying this on you respects what Christians all the New Testament, point to Paul and Jesus himself (although Mormons believe Jesus married).

Finally, ask them if they’re opposed to any pain relief in childbirth, since the early chapters of Genesis also say Eve will give birth in pain.

Be fruitful and multiply.

As with the statement above, this is a statement in early Genesis. There is no indication that it is directed at all people in all places for all time. It was directed at two people.

Humanity has multiplied. It has been done.

So the answer here is "We have."

Also, we can multiply without a terrible state contract.

You can find Biblical passages about all sorts of activities the person using this verse hasn't done themselves.

In today's world, men can thrive without signing a terrible state contract with a woman. Living in your own residence by yourself does not mean being alone. We have friends, family, neighbors, and we can have companionship.

Part 9

Why Sign Away Your Earnings?

To help Free Men with what they say to others, and to help explain why men stay free, I will occasionally post sample dialogue.


Marriage Seller: Why aren't you married?

Free Man: Why would I want to sign a contract that legally shifts over half of my earnings to somebody else?

MS: You're not looking at marriage the right way.

FM: I'm looking at it the way the law treats it.

MS: Marry a woman who has a job?

FM: Why? My income pays for my lifestyle. Why would I want to add someone to my home who earns less than I do, meaning my earnings will still be legally shifted to her, who will increase expenses and take over most of the spending decisions, purchasing things and services I don't want and won't be using? I could be obligated to make ongoing payments to her should she leave me or should I find I can't tolerate her anymore. Also, she can quit her job and it will be like she never had one, as far as community property and alimony goes. What happens if my career path becomes incompatible with hers? If she has a bad day at work I can forget about sex that evening and have someone in a bad mood darkening my residence. No thanks!

Stay free, men!

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 9

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here.


These questions are closely related, and so the answers can be adapted.


Don't you want someone special in your life?

There is more than one way to answer this depending on your situation.

A) No.

B) I have multiple special people in my life.

C) I am someone special in my life.

D) I can/do have someone special in my life without a terrible state contract.

E) Everything in life is a tradeoff. I'd much rather be guaranteed my freedom than have the possibility of having a wife, and even if having one, only for as long as she chooses to stay.

F) I just haven't been able to find her.


Don't you want to come home to somebody?

This is a variation on the previous question, and all of the answers for that question work. In addition, many married men come home to an empty home.


Don't you want to grow old with somebody?

This is another variation of the previous question. Marrying doesn't mean you will grow old with someone. Plenty of people who married grow old alone.

You can also say that no, you don't want to grow old with someone. You want to be with adults who want to be with you, and to whom you're attracted, whatever your age and whatever their age.


Don't you want someone to take care of you when you're older?

That's what long-term care insurance and medical professionals are for.


Who'll be there for you when you die? Who will care?

You want me to sign a terrible state contract with someone and endure their crap for 60 years in case it makes it more likely they'll be there when I'm dying? People who do something with their life or maintain good friendships will be mourned. Both of those things are easier if a man stays free.


You're going to end up sad and alone.

Most people who end up sad and alone married.


It's amazing how people want you to spend a life in a terrible state contract and, likely, a terrible arrangement, giving up your freedom and sacrificing your dreams and what you want to do, so that one specific person might be there when you die or are getting close to death.

Part 10

How to Prevent Domestic Violence, Cheating, and Divorce

This is how you can prevent domestic violence, cheating, and divorce:

Do not marry.

Do not live together.

Do not promise nor expect exclusivity.

Free Men who want to remain free men in good standing do not engage in rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence, stealthing, stalking, or revenge porn.

Free men, if they want sex, run game, which ensures that they don't waste time with women who do not want sex. Free men do not marry nor live with women. Free men do not agree to exclusivity. This prevents domestic violence, cheating, and divorce. It also prevents rape.

More men should be Free Men.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 3

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Two can live together for less than separately.

What this means is if you're paying $3,000 per month and a woman is paying $2,500 per month, if you marry and move in together, she can stop paying rent or a mortgage and some redundancies will be eliminated, and the overall cost of living for the two of you will be less. Allegedly.

That benefits her. Unless you're already paying her way through life, which you shouldn't, how does that benefit you? IT DOESN'T. Even if she plans to contribute to rent or the mortgage, she will likely push to live in a bigger/more expensive place, there's no guarantee she will even keep working and financially contributing, and you're better of NOT allowing her to develop a claim to a home you owned.

Having her move in to your place puts your place at risk. She can have you kicked out of your own place, compel you to keep paying for her to live there, and claim at least some ownership. Don't allow that! DON'T MARRY! Don't let her move into your place!

Having her move in with you or you moving in with her will also will increase your utility bills and grocery bills, and she will likely insist on removing and replacing many items (especially if she thinks another woman touched them), and that will be costly.

Always keep in mind that divorce is very expensive, and even without divorce, at least half of your earnings are legally shifted to your wife. Wives make 80 percent of the spending decisions.

Stay free and keep control over your own assets and finances. Don't pay a woman's way through life. Respect their independence, their capability, their girl power. Believe women who say women don't need a husband.

Part 4

Reasons For Men to Stay Unmarried

You were not born with a wife. You don't naturally acquire a wife by growing up, going through puberty, and living out your life. You have DO a series of things to get married.

Being a Free Man is the default. Do not buy into the marketing that implies EVERYONE gets married. Marriage sellers don't want you stop and question, "Is this a good idea? How will this benefit me? How will this enable me to accomplish my goals? Is this what I really want?"

Watch out when someone says "You're being selfish! It isn't all about you! Stop with the 'I' and the 'me' stuff." Marriage involves a contract. Would you sign a rental or lease agreement, a mortgage or other loan, or an employment contract without being aware of what the contract does and if that contract had little or no benefit to you, while placing significant obligations on you?

Imagine someone from the government hands you a stack of papers and says, "Sign this."

And you say, "Hold on! How will signing this benefit me?"

And they say, "Don't be selfish! Sign it!"

Would you sign that???

No? Well, most men sign the state marriage contract anyway, although more and more men are refusing to do so. That's right. FEWER PEOPLE ARE MARRYING. You will be part of a growing trend if you stay the course as a Free Man.

See here for what the state marriage contract does.

So, it's a bad contract, and that's reason enough to refuse to sign it. "But what what about 1) marrying without the state contract, and 2) the benefits of marriage?" In many places (check with a local family law attorney!), the state contract can be applied even if you never signed one, depending on your actions. Also, prenuptial agreements and cohabitation agreements can be thrown out by judges. There's no benefit to marrying that a man can't get otherwise at less risk or cost.

In no particular order, and perhaps to be updated and expanded, here are the reasons for men to stay unmarried:

It's the default.

There's no good reason to marry.

Marrying shifts your power to the woman.

Staying a Free Man allows you to do what you want, when you want, how you want, with whom want.

You want to be free to make decisions without having to defer to someone else.

You don't want someone else's interference in your professional and personal (family, friends) life.

You want control over your own earnings and your own spending decisions.

Having Someone or Something Check On You

If you’re a Free Man or otherwise living alone, especially if you work alone/from home or are retired, it’s generally a good idea to have someone checking on you regularly to make sure you’re functional.

It could be a friend or neighbor you see every day, either because they come to your place or you go to them or communicate (text, call, video chat) every day.

It could be someone you interact with online.

Accidents happen, there are robberies and break-ins that can result in assault, and there are health events like heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms, falls, etc. Don’t think it can’t happen to you because you’re not older or because you’re in good health.

Depending on your wishes and your conditions, you may not want to be rescued and recussitsted if something happens to you, but you should at least be recovered. It wouldn’t be good to be rotting way for a long period of time, especially if you have paperwork that should be executed.

But being rescued, depending, can also lead to treatment, recovery, and additional good times.

We are rapidly approaching the ability, and may already be there, to have machines handle checking in on you every day to protect your life and health. There’s probably an app for it. You can also hire a live human being to do it, if you don’t want a friend to do it.

Marriage sellers say married men live longer. We’ve covered that before. One of the reasons the data can show that is that a husband who has a fall or a health episode can have his wife call for help. So, the guy might get to live a few more months in convalescence.

That isn’t a compelling reason to marry.

Free men can, and should, set things up in a way so that if something happens to them, someone will know and act.

What Do I Mean By Free Men?

I like using the term "Free Men."

What do I mean by that?

For the purposes of this blog and related communications, Free Men are men who are free of legal and financial entanglements with women.

Ideally, they are also free of social bondage to women and do not have any dependent children, especially not children over which a woman has any parental rights. 

A Free Man is, at the very least:

• Unmarried
  
  
• Residing independently from women
  
  
• Without legal or financial obligations with women, such as a cosign for a loan or account, co-ownership of property or anything else of significant value, a mortgage or rental agreement, paying child support, paying alimony or palimony. A woman should not have access to your home or finances; she should not be on a lease or rental agreement with you and should have no ownership rights over any home you own. You should never impregnate a woman or donate sperm or in any way look after or pay for her child (such as with a single mother who wants to be your "friend" or girlfriend.)
  
  
• Unrestrained by any agreement to exclusivity with a woman

Usually, he's also going to be childfree.

Exiting a Relationship With a Single Mother or a Childless Shack Up

Introduction

So you've either been woken out of your stupor or the slow-building discontent has finally become too intense, and you're ready to get out of your relationship with a single mother or a childless shack up. Being with a single mother* or living with a woman brings all sorts of complications and risks. So depending on how deep you're in, there are going to be different considerations.

Men who are NOT in such relationships should read this, too, to be informed about just how much trouble being in, and getting out of, such relationships can be, so they'll be motivated to avoid them.

How deep are you in?

If you married this woman (which would mean she's not a single mother anymore) and made a baby or babies with her, that's the worst of all scenarios, especially if you have adopted her children. Unless she is abusing you or the kids, the the best thing for the children is usually to stay put and be polite and as pleasant as possible until the youngest child is 18. The problem with that, is, in some places, like the state I live in, being married for ten years or "close enough" means you'll be paying lifetime alimony to her. The bulk of this entry is addressed to guys who haven't married the woman and haven't legally adopted her children.

You need an exit plan for your own self-preservation. If she or anyone else accuses you of not being a "real man" or that you're somehow lesser because you don't want to put up with mistreatment or someone else's responsibilities any more, just let it roll off your back. Who cares what they say? This is what they're saying, when you get right down to it. "You should spend your time, money, and energy doing things for me/her so I/she can spend  more of my/her own time, money, and energy on my/herself." She might cite things she does for you, and even if she does do those things, it doesn't matter. You're not obligated to stay with her, and you can either get by without those things or get them for a lot less money, time, and effort, or with someone who is more compatible with you and brings fewer negatives to the situation. You may have some emotional discomfort over the breakup, but that would fall entirely in the realm of normal, because the relationship became familiar to you and part of your routine. The discomfort will go away and it is better in the long run to be out of that relationship.

Pledging Marriage For Life Doesn't Make Sense

Life is very different than when our marriage laws where written. Life is very different than when our customs about marriage were solidified.

Most people used to live their entire lives in the same place, unless they got traded away in slavery or were sent off to war. Upward mobility wasn't much of a thing. You grew up working the family farm or in the family business, or you got an apprenticeship in someone else's family business. Usually, everyone in the area shared the same religion. Most people lived in farming villages but even if you lived in a city, your prospects for partners were minimal. If you got paired up with someone, either per your family or your own efforts, you stuck with them because there was a little other choice. If you were a woman, leaving was likely to mean destitution. A man could rape his wife and beat her without running afoul of the law or society, and he could beat his children into submission or kick them out of the home. But for anyone who needed to raise his own help, a fertile wife and resulting children were appreciated. Leisure and recreation were limited and retirement wasn't much of a thing.

Today, we can reach around the world instantly with our communications, and travel to anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. We have the potential to interact with millions of people over our lifetime. Education and career training can take decades, we can take promotions offered from the other side of the planet, and changing jobs, changing entire careers, and moving from one residence to another is quite common. Family law can reward a woman for divorcing her husband, and her friends and other cultural elements might urge her to do so. Leisure and recreation play a much larger role in the lives of most of us, and most people expect to retire with decades left to live.

Dennis Prager Sad About Independence

 

Dennis Prager opened his Monday, July 10 program lamenting that more Americans are living alone now.

He has a pathological fixation on badgering other people to marry. It’s absurd.

It’s never been easier to live alone.

I liked living alone.

How many of those who are living alone like it? That’s what really matters. If they like it, that’s great.

Better living alone than shacked up in a bad situation or abusive marriage or a marriage full of conflict.

Hey Dennis, want to stop the trend? Have a marriage strike proponent on your program so you can expose the errors of the marriage strike. Your one-sided lecturing isn’t working.

Shut In

Today, Dennis Prager wondered on his radio program if the shutdown, and having to stay home, is causing unmarried guys to think they should've married.

I'm confident far more husbands are regretting that they married than there are unmarried guys wishing they were married.

I would be much better off right now if I was living alone.

Meanwhile, on yesterday's Dr. Laura show, there was a woman complaining that with the shutdown, her husband wanted too much sex.

Stay free, guys.

Are You Lonely at This Special Time?

Guys, are you feeling down because you think you should have a "special woman" in your life? Maybe as your wife? And you don't?

Does it seem like everyone is happy and together with a partner?

There's a guy I've known for my entire adult life. We're not close, but he's been an acquaintance all along. He gets on social media and complains about being alone. It's pathetic. And if his social media postings weren't obvious enough already, he's started to talk about mental illness.

Doing stuff like that is a good way to drive any potential partners away, at least the healthy ones.

This is a guy who is gainfully employed and living in one the best places to live in the world.

But I get it. Brain chemistry doesn't care if you're better off than most of the world.

There are men out there, and maybe you're one them, who is feeling lonely and you ache for a girlfriend. A wife. You think that's what's missing from your life. You think that having that special lady would make everything better.

When Other People Tell You What ‘You’ Want

Some of the most entertaining radio is when Tom Leykis does an hour on how he enjoys being unmarried and living alone - and women call up to argue with him, thereby proving his point for him: that he doesn’t want to live with anyone else, let alone an argumentative, presumptuous nag.

It is amusing to listen to people who know only what Leykis has revealed about himself on the air try to tell Leykis what he really wants – as if a carefully thought-out, successful, middle-aged man who has (by his own public statement) spent a lot of time in therapy and has been married four times, has had other women living with him, and has lived alone (so he's experienced many different lifestyles) needs a stranger to tell him what he “really” wants as far as a living arrangement. Most likely, these people are really communicating what they want, or what they have and think they should be happy with, but may not be.

I think he has a good idea by now what he wants. Now, I chose to get married. That’s what I wanted. I don’t presume to think that is what everyone wants.

When women call in to argue with Leykis to tell him he either doesn't really like living alone, or he shouldn't, they are reinforcing one of the main reasons WHY he - and other men - choose to live alone: peace, quiet, and autonomy.