Women Need to be Romanced

 

Husbands, how often have you heard that if only you were more sensitive, caring, romantic, did more around the home, and jumped through any number of hoops, your wife would be willing to have sex with you more often? Haven't you heard that women need to be pursued and romanced over the course of the whole day in order to get turned on?

Exhibit A, your Honor: A recent [this entry has been bumped up from April 2018] letter to Dear Abby.

UNWORTHY IN THE MIDWEST wrote:

I am a 17-year-old senior and have been dating the same boy for two years.

High schoolers shouldn't do that. Not exclusively, anyway. Guys, you don't need a girlfriend while you're trying to get educated.

A month ago, he told me he wanted to break up "because he needed some time to figure out what he wanted."

Translation: "I want to figure out if I want to have another girl as my girlfriend, primarily by sticking my penis in her."

I was devastated but agreed. Two weeks later, he told me he was sorry and he loves me.

Translation: "I couldn't get the other girl or she's not as good at sex or sexually compatible with me as you are."

We are back together now, but the weekend after our breakup,

Hours or days after the breakup.

I went to visit a college girlfriend. We went to a party and I ended up having sex with a boy I didn't even know.

Here are the really big questions, men:

How much romancing did that boy do?
How much of her laundry did that boy do?
How much did he prove that he could take care of her, protect her, provide for her?
Did he ever take out the trash?
Did he ever wash the dishes?
Did he ever buy her flowers?
Did he set up a candlelit dinner?
Did he even buy her dinner?
How much money do you think he spent on her?

You get the idea. He didn't do any of that, and yet she did him.

Somehow, she was able to have sex without any of that romance or helping out. And she's not a freak. This is very typical.

I feel guilty and unworthy. What should I do? If I tell my boyfriend, I'm sure I'll lose him for good. If I don't tell him, I'll always worry that he will find out from someone else.

You're 17! Are you going to go to the same college as this boyfriend?

He has a lot to learn if he thinks she wasn't getting some, especially since he was probably getting some or trying really hard to (or had already, when he broke up with her). Guys, expect that within hours after you break up, she's getting some. Come to think of it, you shouldn't assume  or count on her having only been with you while you were a couple anyway.

Surprisingly in this age of "me too", Dear Abby didn't tell the LW she was raped. Even if the age of consent is 16 or 17 where she was (and we don't know it was), she was probably drinking.

Does This Deter Teen Girls From Fornicating?

Dr. Laura, who has an awesome program and does a lot of good, has been consistent in recent decades about what she tells teen girls and what she tells their parents to tell them about sex.

I think it was the second hour of the program from Monday, September 9, 2019 that she got a call from a mother who'd heard from her sister that her (the caller's) daughter had sex with her boyfriend of about six months and that the daughter was planning to tell her. [This entry has been bumped up.]

Dr. Laura told the caller/mother to tell her daughter:

1) He's told all his buddies
2) Other boys are going to want to get into her also
3) There's nothing special, sublime, or sacred about what they did
4) Animals do the same thing
5) There's no love or commitment attached to it
6) Now you have a reputation
7) Boys talk about it
8) The next time you date you're going to want to do it again because the bar is down and it's less meaningful
9) By the time you marry you'll probably have a pregnancy or STD.

Do these messages deter teen girls today from having sex? I have my doubts.

That Boy Needs the Real Facts of Life

A recent Dear Abby letter from HEAVY-HEARTED MOM shows why parents need to give teen boys and young men the real facts of life.

My son, a high school senior, was in a relationship with a young woman who broke up with him and began dating his best friend.

There's your first problem. A high school guy shouldn't be in a "relationship".

He was heartbroken.

He needs to learn not to care. Seriously. I know he's young. But he should still strive to get to where I was at one point: I was dating a woman for a while... maybe a couple of months. One day she told me that she was going back to her ex-boyfriend. Didn't bother me in the least. Why? I hadn't expected it to last, I had already gotten what I wanted, and there were other women to date. Not dating her simply freed up my time for others. I hadn't made her the center of my world. He shouldn't have made this girl the center of his world.

Congrats to the Guys Who Avoided the Prom and Promposals

If you were enjoying your time in high school, you might be bummed that it was abruptly ended for you, especially if you were a Senior.

But guys, at least you have avoided The Prom and, hopefully, an embarrassing Promposal.

You're better off.

Does Something Have to be Wrong?

The second to last call on the Dr. Laura show yesterday, Monday, November 26, was from a woman who said her 14 year-old daughter told her (prompted by a discussion of about abortion) that she'd engaged in sexual activity a couple of times, and that this wasn't with a boyfriend, but rather these were casual encounters.

The first thing Dr. Laura asked about the girl's father. When the caller indicated that she's married to her daughter's biological father and that he's a good, involved father, Dr. Laura coudn't blame the girl's behavior on a divorce or bad or absent father, so she repeatedly said "Something's wrong!" and urged the mother to get her daughter into therapy.

According to what Dr. Laura said, she was thinking the girl was seeking male approval, but the caller saying what she did about her husband knocked that away.

What I don't understand is how Dr. Laura dismisses the possibility that a hormonal teenaged girl simply wanted to mess around because it is fun and exciting, and her desire to do so outweighed any concerns she had about possible negative consequences? Wouldn't that be NORMAL for most teenagers? Isn't that why some parents and religious organizations spend a lot of time, money, and energy warning teenagers about the risks of young, unmarried sexual activity?

It just seemed like an odd call, but then yesterday Dr. Laura seemed to have less patience or desire to "work hard" than usual. She was hanging up on callers stuff like that.

I'd be interested in the caller following up with another call or letter if she finds out anything unusual.

Dr. Laura will usually blame any deviation from the ideal life plan she teaches (which I largely agree with is the right way to do things) as the cause of whatever she sees as a problem in the caller's life, which is often spot-on but sometimes I'm not so sure. For example, she's told a caller "Your daughter is doing [whatever the problem behavior is] because you divorced her dad and married someone else." But when I remember my sister doing the same things while our biological parents were still happily married, how does that compute? Clearly my sister wasn't doing it because of a divorce and remarriage. And maybe the caller's daughter is doing something for another reason, too.

Relief Pitcher Playing Until Jailbird Gets Out

Another day, another Dear Abby letter that is too "good" to pass up.

Brace yourselves.

STAY-AT-HOME-DAD wrote:

I am 32 and in a relationship with a 31-year-old single mother.

NO NO NO NO!!!

Her son, "Steven," is 7. Her daughter, "Jessica," is 15.

So "Mom" was pregnant by about age 16?

I am a stay-at-home dad.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! Of course they aren't married! He doesn't earn more than she does and she's at least smart enough not to sign a bad contract like that!

Both kids refer to me as "Dad," as I have been a part of Steven's life more than his (incarcerated) dad has ever been.

Watch her dump him and then wring child support from him, and then shack up with her stud once he gets out of prison.

Because I am a stay-at-home dad, this means I take Steven to various professional appointments, doctors, including a psychiatrist for ADHD, the dentist and various sports activities.

Yes, yes, you're a cuck.

I was informed three weeks ago Jessica is pregnant.

Of course she is! Like mother, like daughter! Provided Jessica doesn't have the child slaughtered, your shack up lover will be a 33 year-old grandma!

When I take our boy for doctor's visits, they always want guarantor information, and I always sign.

And you plan to pay with what money?

But after a recent checkup of his, I called for results and was outright lied to -- "We don't have the results back" -- and Jessica's doctor said they can't release any information to me.

Yeah, buddy, you're just the potential wallet and the free babysitter. You're not their dad. Sorry!!!

Abby, I'm in this for the long haul.

You might but is your girlfriend? Oh, it's going to be such a great situation when there's a baby, and you have to take care of the baby, and then the troubled boy gets hormonal... oh, this is going to be great. What a sucker. Wait until Jessica gets pregnant AGAIN!

If doctors will let me sign to pay their medical expenses but I can't have the results, what can I do?

PACK YOUR BAGS AND DISAPPEAR!

Dear Abby was no help, of course. She recommends birth control for Jessica. She didn't bother giving this guy a hint that he's being foolish.

It's a Completely Different Culture Now

As Dr. Laura gets more and more experience dealing with callers who have been raised in a culture in which there is no discouragement of casual fornication (or shacking up), including teenaged fornication, she gets more likely to make a point of commenting on it when the caller or someone the caller is dealing with is involved in such behavior. (She seems to be somewhat wearied by the negative cultural shifts, which is certainly understandable as she deals with call after call with the ugly fallout of this societal breakdown.)

In the second hour of the show on Monday, August 10, 2015 [note that this entry has been bumped up] she had a call from a mother whose teen daughter had been staying with a friend, but slipped out and walked to a nearby home in which a boy was residing and had intercourse with him. It was presented as her first experience. Dr. Laura expressed disgust that the boy's parents were likely home and sleeping at the time; presumably the disgust was at the brazen flouting of morality and parental respect (which assumed the boy's parents would object, though it is entirely possible they wouldn't), because she expresses no disgust at the thought of grown, married people having sex while visiting and staying at a parental home. But I digress.


Dr. Laura urged the caller to ask her daughter how she felt about the experience. "Did she think it was love? Was it curiosity?"


That's where I want to scream at my listening device "How about IT FEELS GOOD!"?

She also threw in the "He's bragged to all of his friends" thing.

Dr. Laura often approaches this as though every teen girl is expecting that sex will always mean love, that no teen girl enjoys sex or ever puts her physical pleasure ahead of other considerations, and that teens still talk about sex the same way or that a teen girl is going to mind if other people know she had sex. There are other times Dr. Laura indicates that women enjoy sex but the way she talks about fornication, if it is all anyone heard from her on sexual matters, would give someone the impression that she doesn't think females enjoy sex. Females do enjoy fornication. Most don't enjoy it as much as marital lovemaking or might feel some negativity about it after it is over, especially if there is a breakup or a relationship doesn't actually form in the first place, but they do enjoy it if the guy is at all competent in what he's doing.


Yes, up into part of the 1960s, most girls didn't want people to know they'd fornicated, because most people lived their lives in the same rural community or urban neighborhood and there was a general cultural shame against fornication (sure, plenty of people were doing it, but they tried to keep it private) and if word got around, then the young men in the area would either not want her or the parents of the young man would strongly pressure him not to date her, but especially not to marry her. The school she attended and the religious congregation she attended might have taken action. It might even have been a criminal matter.

None of that is true anymore, at least in most places in the USA. As such, few girls who fornicate are going to mind if word spreads. Often, it isn't even talked about. It is just assumed that it is going on. There are teen girls who walk around school wearing condoms on their clothing to get attention (under the guise of trying to raise awareness in her peers); would such a girl give a rip if someone found out she was having sex?

But the way Dr. Laura often handles these calls, it is like she still thinks things are like they were when she was growing up. This time, she did go on to acknowledge that teen fornication is now seen as the norm and expected. During part of the call, though, I wanted to somehow break in and say something like, "Excuse me... she's a heterosexual girl who is turned on by males, this one in particular, and sex can feel good, even when it is fornication. It is like asking her why she stole the ice cream out of the freezer and if it tasted good while she ate it. Maybe she felt nervous, maybe a little guilty, or maybe she's worried about it going to her hips, but she liked the taste."

The frame of reference is way too different now. Saying something like "He doesn't love you! You're not going to have a lasting relationship with him! All of his friends know!" isn't going to have any dissuading effect on most teens these days. Rather, a better tactic, if religion isn't going to be invoked (and it's not a religious show, after all) is to convince teens that the risks (getting bonded to someone wrong for you, diminishing your ability to enjoy future intimate relationships, STDs, pregnancy) aren't worth the pleasure. Admit that it can feel good, but so can many other things that have a better time and place.

Anyway, I previously went over some of these issues in much depth here, and this is another entry that is relevant.

A Tale of an Alpha Male Father

One of Dr. Laura's favorite go-to stories about "alpha male" fathers dealing with boys who disrespect their mother is from a letter she got from a guy who recalls mouthing off to his mother until his father came into the room, grabbed him by the collar and/or pinned him up against the wall or some such maneuver, got into his face, and said "You will never talk to MY WOMAN that way!" And the letter writer claimed it worked.

Dr. Laura is very clear that the wording is "my woman" rather than "your mother", because the woman being disrespected is the father/husband's territory. That's her wording. This is one of the very few specific examples I've heard anyone, not just Dr. Laura, describe when they tell husbands and fathers to "man up" or "be a real man" or "be alpha" or "get control of your family". Apparently guys are usually supposed to magically know an effective tactic that follows from such admonitions. Like this:

Teen: Screw you!
Outside Observer: You can't let your son behave that way! Be alpha!
Father: [does the unexplained alpha tactics... because someone else told him to be alpha]
Teen: I love you, dad! I'll never be disrespectful again.

But here we have one of the very rare times a specific tactic is described. A few of observations about this anecdote:

Don't Try This at Home (or Wherever There's a Road)

Angel Jennings reports at LATimes.com:

A teen in the Sacramento suburb of Natomas sustained life-threatening injuries after being run over by a car while lying in the street, authorities said.

Did he trip? Had he been assaulted and left in the street?

The 16-year-old was in the middle of the road wearing headphones about 7 p.m. Tuesday when the Chevy ran him over on Regginald Way and Taylor Street, Fox40 News in Sacramento reported.

The driver, apparently not an illegal alien with no license and no insurance, actually stopped and called the police! Yay! No charges have been filed against the driver, who is probably traumatized.

The teen was being treated at a hospital for critical injuries considered life-threatening.

As far as I can tell, there are three possibilities here:

1. The teen is a potential Darwin Award candidate who was simply being stupid.

2. The teen was intentionally trying to commit suicide.

3. The teen was assaulted and left in the street, or suffered some sort of medical issue such as seizure, and fell down in the street (though the text of the article probably would have mentioned something about that).

It's a terrible situation no matter what, but I somehow feel numbers 1 and 2 are worse, and at first glance, I was sure it was #1.

If it was 1 or 2, then you know what we need? A National Office of Not Being Human Roadkill, perhaps with a Czar or Secretary cabinet position. We can tax gasoline even more to pay for it, and then when those revenues take a dip, we can raise incomes taxes to keep such a necessary office and the people who've been retired from it for 40 years fully funded. We'll have public service announcements, printed warnings, education programs, and we'll have to teach in our schools about prominent people in history who have been hit by cars. Or maybe not.

Homeless Guy Scores Jailbait

What am I missing here? Tony Barboza reports at LATimes.com.

A registered sex offender living in a tent in Moreno Valley has been arrested on suspicion of having sex with two underage girls, police said Tuesday.

James Russell Watkins, 29, was arrested Saturday after police responded to a tip about a possible sexual assault of two teenage girls near Alessandro Boulevard and the Old 215 Freeway.

He was arrested, essentially, for statutory rape. He's not being charged with forcible rape, or kidnapping, or unlawful detention.

After interviewing Watkins, police said, they determined he had had intercourse with the girls at various times throughout July.

So, not twice, as in once with each girl. Various times.

Watkins, a parolee and registered sex offender who told police he lived in a tent in the area, was booked on charges of unlawful sexual intercourse, child abuse and violation of parole.

Okay. So it sounds like the girls willingly had sex with him. I know, they are too young to consent and I'm in no way defending this creep. But what's up with these girls? I would think they were junkies, but there's nothing about him being charged with supplying them with anything. That implies to me that these girls were willingly visiting this guy for sex.

I remember when one of the reasons young guys wanted a nice car was score with the young women. This guy is a bum. What's going on with these girls? If they wanted sex, they could no doubt get it with guys who aren't homeless. There's something missing here. And what are the odds these girls aren't from homes with good fathers? Fairly high, I'd think.

Irony? Hypocrisy? Or What?

We have a daughter involved in a voluntary group activity. My wife had some reservations about how this activity was being organized. The final straw was that the woman running the thing got knocked up with no plans to marry her boyfriend.

So, we moved our daughter to a new group.

But at our final event with the old group, the expectant mother, who was unaware at the time of our plans to leave, made a comment to everyone about how one set of girls meets Friday nights, which "keeps them out of trouble".

Huh?

What kind of trouble is she talking about? Surely, she can't be talking about getting knocked up with no marriage in sight.

Or is it supposedly different because she's an adult?

That points out the different reasons why different groups bemoan teen pregnancy. I don't think teen pregnancy is a problem when say, a mature, family-minded 19-year-old wife is pregnant by her 24-year-old husband who is earning a good living, and these people are right for each other. I would guess that this woman's problem with teen girls being pregnant is that it would limit their ability to party in their early 20s. My biggest problem with unmarried teens (or unmarried women of any age) getting pregnant is that it is bad for the child and bad for society.

A Very Desperate OC Housewife

I've been keeping too busy to blog a lot lately. But there has been so much to write about. Sean Emery has the Orange County Register story:

A 36-year-old Lake Forest woman was arrested Friday on suspicion of having sex with a 13-year-old boy who authorities say she met in Maryland after the two cultivated an online relationship.

There are plenty of 13-year-olds in Orange County. I wonder if she has any local victims?

Rachel Ann Hicks first befriended the boy while playing X-Box Live online in September, and the two began trading phone calls, texts and e-mails, including sexually explicit images and movies, Orange County Sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino said.

Now, to be sure, there are some 13-year-old boys who would think this was the greatest thing that could ever happen to them. That still doesn't make it right. There's no way he could have legitimately consented to this, and even if he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, it has no doubt messed with his mind, at the least. It could have downright traumatized him. Plus, she could have given him an infection.

But the story gets "better"...

While visiting family members in Florida over the Thanksgiving holiday, Hicks, a married mother of three, drove to the boy's home in Maryland and "engaged in sexual activity" with him, Amormino said.

I wonder how she explained to her family where she was going? She's a married mother of three. Where did she find the time to do all of this game-playing and grooming of victims? And where were this boy's parents? Did he use a cover story about being with a friend?

She was taken into custody at her Lake Forest home Friday afternoon, and is being held without bail on suspicion of rape, child molestation and sexual solicitation of a minor, Amormino said.

Hicks admitted to having a relationship with at least one other underage boy in California, Amormino said, and authorities are searching for additional victims.

"She flew to Florida and drove to Maryland, so apparently there are no boundaries," Amormino said.

Yeah, {if guilty) she's pretty desperate.

I know there is at least one judge out there who would assign a requirement to pay child support to the rape victim, if a baby was produced from this. I also wonder if the great state of California will give her half of the marital assets, and alimony, should her marriage end? I'm assuming child custody will go to her husband (who could also be required to pay child support if she births a child from this). Will she have to pay child support to her hubby? Will she get the same amount of prison time a man would if the sexes were reversed?

Why Schoolkids Shouldn’t Date Exhibit 312

This girl shows exactly why most minors are way too young to have an exclusive study, or in a lot of cases, any dates.

DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM IN THE U.S.A. wrote in to Dear Abby with something she should not have had to ask someone else about:

My boyfriend is pressuring me to take his camera cell phone with me into the girls' locker room and take pictures of the other girls with little or nothing on.

In doing so, you'd be breaking several laws, not to mention violating the trust of your classmates.

He says it has always been a "fantasy" of his, and that if I really love him I'll help him fulfill his fantasy.

No, loving someone means doing what is best for them. You'd be making a criminal out of him in addition to yourself if you went along with this. Really loving him would be going to his parents and telling them he needs serious help. The tactic he's trying on you demonstrates that he does not love you.

He promises to keep the pictures secret and says that what the other girls don't know won't hurt them.

His promise means nothing, since you can't even trust him – what would he do to those other girls? What they don't know can certainly hurt them, and there are many examples of that I'm sure you can think of on your own. Even if he really would keep the pictures secret, that still wouldn't make it okay, and the pictures could still get out to others through mistakes, hacking, and theft.

He offered to do the same for me and take pictures in the boys' locker room, but I'm not interested.

He thinks that makes it better. and hopes it will make it all okay in your mind. It makes it worse.

I know it would be wrong to do it, and I wouldn't want someone secretly taking pictures of me.

So why is there a question here?

He hinted that if I refuse he will look for another girl who will.

Tell that to his parents.

I'm scared of losing him because I'm not much to look at, and he's the only boy who has ever shown any interest in me.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that looks do matter - that's just reality. But I'll get to that in a minute. Let's assume for the sake of argument that you're ugly and you won't get another date in a long time. So what? It is better to have your integrity rather than a criminal record and all of the other girls justifiably upset with you. Better to be ugly and clean rather than ugly and a criminal. Better to be ugly and dateless rather than ugly and stuck with a creep. You should be focusing on your studies anyway, not dealing with this drama.

But there will be other guys, and you're probably much more attractive than you think. And if you aren't, you can and likely will be in a few years. Some of the hottest women in the world were teased in school for being "not much to look at". You're still maturing. And there's probably some classmates of yours – decent guys – who would ask you out as soon as they found out you weren't stuck with this creep anymore.

You're going to get more attractive outside – and inside, if you do what is right.

You are so much better off letting this creep go – actually, dumping him. Dump him.In the long run, you'll feel so much better that you did.

Actually, I would consider filing a complaint with the police. I would not be surprised if this guy has taken pictures of you without your knowledge. At least make it clear to him that if any such pictures exist, they'd better be deleted immediately. If the police seize his stuff, they can find the pictures and get them out of his hands.

Now, on the flip side, a good number of those girls probably have taken pictures of themselves and sent them around already, or would send him pictures of he showed them a little attention. So he should already be able to get enough of his fix if it is really about seeing flesh. But it is probably more about violating someone else. Also, in some states, he can walk in there himself. If anyone tries to stop them, he can claim he's trangendered, and threaten to sue if he is stopped.

Dear Abby's advice was perfect.

Joseph Tarnopolski of Michigan: Admitted (Statutory) Rapist

An 18-year-old male adult having "consensual" sex with a 14-year-old minor girl is statutory rape. Maybe Joseph Ternopolski made the mistake of having sex with a disturbed girl who subsequently committed suicide. Or perhaps he forced himself on a girl who wasn't disturbed and thus was making a true claim about forcible rape, but who couldn't endure both the rape and the fallout, and committed suicide. Either way, Tarnopolski did something very wrong and admitted to doing something illegal. Here's the story from Associated Press Corey Williams.

With their key witness dead, prosecutors on Wednesday dropped criminal charges against the older student, saying they had no case without the accuser's testimony.

How about the confession? That's at least statutory rape.

"People wanted to beat her up — people who were friends of Joe," said Ayla Raines, who also attended Huron High School. "Not to her face. She heard from other people that they wanted to beat her up."

Another student, Calie Bouchard, said 14-year-old Samantha was confronted once in the lunch room by a group of girls who insisted she was lying.

"She started breaking down in tears," Calie said.

Monsters.

Principal Donovan Rowe said school officials investigated the alleged bullying and found nothing overt. Rowe said on occasion he walked behind Samantha as she went from class to class and witnessed no harassment.

And since he didn't see any cheating or doping while walking around for everyone to see, then I guess there's no cheating or doping at the school either.

Huron Township police said Justice brought her daughter to the station on Sept. 27, a day after the encounter with Tarnopolski, to file a sexual assault report. At the time it was considered a statutory rape case, meaning the pair had consensual sex but that she was under the age of consent.

Tarnopolski told WJBK that he had sex with Samantha, but it was a "mutual thing."

It can't be mutual between an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old in this day and age. Not when they are both in high school and she is not responsible for herself.

"She told me she was being extremely bullied, and it was extremely stressful," said 16-year-old Devyn Waldecker, a neighbor in the Huron Estates mobile home park. "People bumped into her in the hallways at school. On two occasions after school, people tried to jump her."

Waldecker, who attends another school, wanted to help the girl she had befriended just this past June, but "really didn't know what to do."

"I told her I was there for her — anything she needed from me," Waldecker said.

Samantha didn't deserve such an ordeal, said Devyn's mother, Shannon Waldecker. "Sam was a very sweet, soft-spoken person and very honest."

A word for Tarnopolski: Even if you suffer no criminal consequence, we never really get away with anything. One way or another, we are held accountable for our sins. If you really didn't force yourself on her, then learn a lesson and never, ever have sex again with someone who doesn't have the age or sobriety or consciousness to consent. If you did force yourself on her, you'd better get yourself under control - if for no other reason than someday, you just might pick a woman who will be able and willing to fight back.

Bullying and suicide has been in the news a lot lately. Will this get the same attention, or are some people more important than others?

Fighting Angst

A few years back I heard about “quarter-life crisis” for 20s-somethings. Well, sounds to me like this girl has 1/8th-life crisis. WHO AM I? VALRICO, FLA. wrote in to Deat Abby:

I am a 12-year-old girl who is not happy with who I am.

The good news is there is plenty of time to change that.

When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like when I was older -- and this is not who I want to be.

Twelve can be a tough age. In many respects you’re just a child and when it comes to priveledges and freedoms, you are treated like one. But you’re also starting to become who you will be as and adult, and you are quite often given obligations and expected to behave as though you are an adult.

I am the girl everyone wants to date.

You sound humble, too.

I have lost people close to me lately and made mistakes I wish I could take back.

Learn. If you really are the girl everyone wants to date, many guys will lash out when you reject them, and other girls will be jealous.

I love God and the fact that He gave me life, but I don't like myself.

Okay, for my readers who aren't theists, bear with me here, or skip to the next quote. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. What He wants most of all is for you to know Him. Part of that is recognizing that He made you (and that makes you wonderful), asking Him for help, and fessing up to Him when you do make your mistakes. God allows you to carry out His work, knowing full well that you'll make mistakes along the way. Honor His delegation of good deeds.

People treat me like I have no feelings sometimes, and I'm tired of drama that isn't worth my time.

Some people are insensitive, and that's something you're going to have to deal with in life.

I want to change who I am to who I really want to be.

Do you have any tips on how to make myself the person I want to be, and not the person everyone else wants?

Not spefically, since you didn't explain who you want to be. Here's my advice...

Be yourself, but work on improving yourself. Accept that you're not going to be perfect, but you can learn and grow and do/be better. If there is something specific you want as part of your identity, figure out how you're going to get there from here. You can find out from others who have done the same thing how to do it. Break the process down into manageable steps.

You're too young to really be dating, so if a boy is interested in you, ask your parents if you can invite him over to play games or watch a movie or work on schoolwork or a project together. Since so many want to date you, you should be able to pick the best boys out of that bunch.

Speaking of parents, where is your dad? Is he in the picture? If he is and he's not a complete jerk, go to him and tell him what you wrote to Dear Abby, and he'll set you straight. He was once twelve himself.

Very few people your age know exactly how they want their lives as adults and actually end up with that life. But there are those that do. So if you really know how you want things to be, you're young enough that you can steer the ship of your life in the right direction.

Dear Abby had a good response.

At 12, you're not frozen into any role. There is time to change your image. While it may be flattering to be someone "everyone wants to date," you are not obligated to date anyone. Concentrate on improving your grades, becoming active in sports, developing your interests and a stronger relationship with your church. If you do, you will form different kinds of relationships that will enable you to become the person you want to be.

Yes. Learn to play the school grade game well, but also learn how to learn. Those aren't necessarily the same thing. Practicing at least one sport is a good idea, and having a hobby. The church thing is good, and if that isn't enough, find a charity to support with volunteer efforts – you might even be able to find one through your church. Avoid substance abuse, crime, and hanging out with people who engage in those things. Heed this advice, and you'll be ahead of the game.

Can any of you remember what you were thinking at age twelve?

High School Girl Stabs Another Over a Boy

Dang it, I don't think any girls even argued over me when I was in high school.

From what I understand, this isn't a bad neighborhood, either.

Checking the Teen's Phone

Does your child's privacy extend to their phone usage, even if you are paying for the phone? GETTING GRIEF IN GRANTS PASS, ORE. wrote into Dear Abby:

Like most 16-year-old girls, I have a cell phone. My father pays for it and I'm grateful that he does, even though I live with my mom and he's a two-hour drive away. He has been paying for it for a year and a half.

Every month when I visit him he demands to see my phone. Then he looks through my messages and photos. There's nothing "bad" on my phone, but I feel my personal space is being invaded.

It's not your personal space. He's paying for it, and anything sent by or to someone else is potentially public. It's a broken home and he's not able to be there as much as he should, so this is one way he can check up on what's going on.

What can I do to get my dad to respect my privacy?

Turn 18 and pay for your own phone.

I feel he wants to control my life.

The phone you use is not your life.

I want my own space.

I can understand the sentiment. I was fiercely protective of my privacy and "ownership" of my room probably before I was a teen. There were many reasons for this. I had younger siblings who would meddle with my stuff, "borrow" things from me, etc. I'm a tad (or more) obsessive about things, including a collecting hobby I had, and notes I've written for as long as I can remember. I didn't want any of my pieces or notes accidentally thrown out, or misplaced, etc. But beyond that, I wanted my privacy while I changed (which happened a lot, since I was a swimmer) and I definitely wanted my privacy while I masturbated, especially when I was using print material to aid in that.

But the reality was, my parents owned the home, and the space was only mine on a temporary basis. They could have scoured everything in my room, and they would have been right to do so if I gave them any reason to.

When someone says, "I want my space" in this kind of context, it means they want their space to have sex. The letter writer wants to have sex without her dad finding out about it. Someone who tells a love interest "I want my space" is silently adding ..."to have sex other people" to that statement.

Dear Abby responded:

I'm sure your father means well, but his attempt at "supervision" when you visit him seems heavy-handed.

He's her father. Maybe he has good reason to be "heavy-handed".

The first thing you should do is discuss your feelings with your mother.

Oh yeah, let's pit the parents against each other even more.

Sorry. His phone, his rules.

Back in the stone ages when I was a teen living at home, mobile phones were an expensive rarity and our computers were in a common room. Today, a lot of teens have cameras, smart phones, and other networked computing devices and DVD players. Parents need to be aware of what their teen is viewing and doing with these.

Teen Sex and School

The headline to Alicia Chang’s Associated Press story was "Teen Sex Not Always Bad For School Performance". This is based on reports from teen boys to their parents. Okay, not really – it is being reported by the American Sociological Association. But yeah, I would imagine it isn't bad for school performance if there is no tension, suspense, or coercion; no loss of reputation; no nasty rumors, pictures, or video of the deed circulating; no hearts broken, sexually transmitted infections, or pregnancy.

But how much teen sex really falls into that narrow category?

A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex.

Very, very few teens are in relationships that are, in fact, committed. Just because they are only having sex with one person over the course of a few weeks doesn't mean there is a commitment.

The same isn't true for teens who "hook up."

Duh.

Researchers found that those who have casual flings get lower grades and have more school-related problems compared with those who abstain.

What isn't a causal fling when you're sixteen?

Teens in serious relationships may find social and emotional support in their sex partners, reducing their anxiety and stress levels in life and in school.

You can have that without sex.

"This should give some comfort to parents who may be concerned that their teenage son or daughter is dating," said sociologist Peggy Giordano of Bowling Green State University, who had no role in the research. Teen sex is "not going to derail their educational trajectories," she said.

Having a baby might. Or bleeding and infection from an abortion.

Last year, nearly half of high school students reported having sexual intercourse, and 14 percent have had four or more partners, according to a federal survey released this summer.

This means that over half aren't having sexual intercourse. You’d never know that by listening to those who want to sexualize our youth. (Now, sure, a lot of the rest are doing other sexual things, but at least not intercourse.)

Teens in serious relationships did not differ from their abstinent counterparts in terms of their grade-point average, how attached they are to school or college expectations. They were also not more likely to have problems in school, be suspended or absent.

Maybe the kind of teen who tends to be in "serious" relationships were able to attract someone else into that relationship because they already have those qualities.

Compared with virgins, teens who have casual sex had lower GPAs, cared less about school and experienced more problems in school.

Hmmm, I wonder why that wasn't the headline?

Teens who have sex - whether it's a serious or casual relationship - were at higher risk of being truant and dropping out compared with teens who don't have sex.

Well of course. When do you think they're having the sex?

"Having sex outside of a romantic relationship may exacerbate the stress youths experience, contributing to problems in school," Grodsky said.

Huh huh... you said "exacerbate"... huh huh...

The study dispels the notion that all teen sex is bad, said Marie Harvey, professor of public health at Oregon State University.

Of course not all teen sex is bad. Some teens are married.

Teen Girl Wasn't Ready

LOVESICK IN YUCCA VALLEY, CALIF. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a girl who has had my heart broken for the first time.

It's a horrible feeling.

I know I should get over this boy, but I can't stop thinking about him.

You'll feel better after some attention from other guys. But focus on studying, your hobbies, your friends, and your family.

My mom loved him.

I don't know your mom, so I don't know if that's good or bad.

We hung out every weekend for six months.

Probably not the best idea at your age, which I only know is "teen".

I thought I might have been pregnant.

Okay, well, that explains a lot. You lost your virginity to him. You're always going to remember this guy. You weren't mature enough to handle this. You'd be a lot better off if you hadn't done that. Your mother shouldn't have left you alone with him.

I'm not -- but I want to be. I know I'm not ready to be a mom, but I want someone to love me and depend on me. I need someone who won't leave me. I know my baby wouldn't.

Every guy who messes around with teen girls should cut out this column and paste it on his bathroom mirror. This is the kind of thinking you are dealing with. Ready to be a father?

Should I become a mom?

Only after about ten years, if you’ve married the right guy, and you have matured enough not to have this attitude. Don't even have sex now.

How do I get over my boyfriend? Do I stop talking to him and just be his friend?

Stop all contact with him for the foreseeable future. You may look back in a couple of years and realize that he was all wrong for you in the first place. Or, you may end up reconnecting. But be prepared to never have any contact with him again.

Dear Abby's response covers a lot of the same territory, but does not tell the girl to stop having sex.

Again, I notice there's no mention of a father.

Don’t Use Grandma's Computer to See Skin

GRANDMA ON ALERT wrote in to Dear Abby:

My daughter and 12-year-old grandson "Patrick" visit me on Sundays. Patrick watches TV in my office.

Kids should not be watching TV without the adults knowing what they are watching.

I was recently looking at the history on my Web browser after he had been there, and I noticed that Patrick had been visiting free porn sites and chat rooms on my computer.

What I said about TV applies even more to computers. You must be certain nobody else could have accessed the computer to be sure.

I am disappointed that he has been looking at pornography and that he has put my computer at risk for viruses, etc.

Risks can come from any place online. Surely you have protective software, right?

As far as the porn – what are we talking about? Pictures? Videos? Women? Men and women having vanilla sex? Betty White with Larry King? While people shouldn't be supplying any of that to minors, you shouldn't be too concerned that he sought it out unless it is some illegal or extreme stuff. The fact is, the vast majority of adult men these days through the age of 55 viewed Playboy-style pictures, R-rated sex/nudity movie scenes, and even porn films/video when they were 12 or not much older and most of them grew up to be normal, healthy, productive members of society – many of them have great marriages. Just because the material doesn’t appeal to you doesn't mean it will kill him.

These days, 12-year-old boys are getting sent pictures of their classmates on cell phones and in e-mails, or are even seeing or doing worse in-person (sometimes with their teacher). Really, the most dangerous thing he did was visit chat rooms, if he wasn’t careful about what he said in those chat rooms.

Should I talk to his parents?

If you're fairly certain it was him, tell them the nature of the sites he visited. And explain that as a result, he won’t be allowed to use your computer unsupervised.

To him?

Take him over to computer - just he two of you - and bring up all of the websites. Then, scream at him about how evil he is and how the human body and sex are dirty and how wrong he is to enjoy seeing that stuff. Tell him he's going to turn into a woman-hating murderer and grow hair on his palms and his testicles are going to painfully, loudly pop.

Actually, don't so that.

Seriously, no need to talk with him – don’t listen to Dear Abby on that one. Yes, he wronged you by misusing your property, but his parents should handle it. There's no reason to get him to associate sex with grandma.