Jumping to Conclusions

Man kills self, woman most affected. (Consider that a trigger warning.)

I posted about this on Twitter but I wanted to write more about it here.

I Want You to Want Me

"Glen"  has Dr. Laura's e-mail of the day:

I have been married for 27 years.

Much longer than me.

And the time is coming up quickly on the one year anniversary since my wife and I have had sex.

And I thought once every three weeks, which is our frequency these days, was bad!

I totally accept 100% of the blame for this. You see...I stopped asking to have sex. Since then...nothing.

What I came to realize is that my wife has no interest in me sexually. And at this point the most un-appealing thing to me is to be with someone who is not interested.

I identify with this man very much. That is very much how I feel.

I can't imagine ever being intimate with my wife again. It's kind of sad...funny...frustrating...that the one person in this world I find more attractive than anyone else, doesn't want to be intimate with me.

He goes on to say:

All I think about is being with someone else. In fact it is kind of like hating your job. I was always taught to keep the bad job until something else comes along. I guess I am waiting for that something/someone better to come along.

That is where we differ. Yes, I'd want sex. No, I would not want another relationship - ever. I'm a loyal guy anyway, so I'm not going to ever jump ship because some other woman comes along. I may jump ship, but the only way I'd ever get into another relationship is if I would be a kept man. Otherwise, I do not want the risks or all of the trouble.




My wife has recently switched her depression medications. She made it clear that the only reason she was going to switch was to get some sex drive back and regain her ability to have a orgasm. From the way she said it and the words she used it was very clear that she doesn't care about sex and it doesn't bother her that she hasn't wanted sex or had orgasms. She isn't switching for her benefit, she is switching for mine. However, in saying that, she mostly removes the benefit to me, and so it defeats the purpose.

Sad.

I repeatedly and explicitly told her to take whatever medication was best for her. I don't want her back on the medication she was on when she last tried to kill herself quickly (as opposed to slowly, which she does by what she does and doesn't do in daily life).

This is all crap I specifically did NOT want to deal with, which is why I made it clear I wanted to only date-for-marriage someone who was healthy. It's too bad I trusted people to be honest rather than being suspicious and demanding records.

Yes, I'm Still Alive

There is so much I could have blogged since my last posting, whether from stuff pulled from online sources or depressing you with accounts of my personal life. I'm not giving up on this blog. I still have much to say.

Things are rather bad at the moment in my marriage. While I admit, and have admitted to my wife my bad actions, she is focusing on mine and ignoring hers. I have held my tongue about so much and tried to be a good husband and father during this dark time, but I don't think she has held back at all. She has been cruel, disrespectful, and ungrateful and has stopped bothering to be a wife or mother. Clearly she's depressed, but she's not handling it. I have no idea how many pills she popping for how many different symptoms at this point, but I have reason to believe she just decided to resume or up her dosage of antidepressant. Don't know if that will help. Based on the medications she has herself on alone, I don't expect her to live a long life. Add in some of her behavior (letting herself lose more and more weight, for example... she's starting to look like a concentration camp prisoner on the History Channel) which will also kill her young, and it is a double whammy.

Geez, there is so much I would go back and tell myself during the time I making plans to marry her...

...about how many medications and treatments she was on.
...about how we would not be able to rely on her family.
...about how she would never, ever get over the fact that I was not a virgin.
...about how her being a virgin has less to do with virtue than it does with libido (see "medications").
...about how her idea of being a stay-at-home-mom was going to be too literal too much of the time.
...about how I will never be allowed to screw up without her harping on it and lecturing me for hours when I should be getting sleep, insisting I get therapy, and equating my behavior with her mother's alcoholism.
...about how sacrificing my savings, professional dreams, personal freedom, social time, hobbies, etc. would be met not with thanks and ongoing appreciation but with contempt and a demand I sacrifice more.

In other words, I would have told myself not to get married. When a marriage-and-family minded, churchgoing, somewhat-conservative Christian can't, in good conscience, endorse marriage, then we're a doomed culture.

Oh, I know... it has to be with the right person. The problem is, she's the "rightest" person by far. I doubt there was anyone else out there more right for me as a wife, and while I do have my faults, I'm not difficult to live with or high-maintenance. She has so many good qualities. If it doesn't work between us, it can't work for all that many people.

She's now threatening to take the kids and leave me. You'd laugh if you found out what tipped off this latest round. I've apologized, I've suggested ways I can prevent it from happening again, and after hours of her harping, I have agreed that I will go to counseling for me (not couples, as we did for something like three sessions before she realized we didn't have the problem she thought we did.) Her reactions have less to do with me than they to do with her brain chemistry, apparently, and whatever she's carrying over from her childhood. I have no idea how ME going a counselor is going to help. It is appearing to me like she married me under false pretenses, but I'm not going to leave her, at least not as long as the kids are minors. We have a long way to go. So what... I'm going to go to a counselor and tell him that my wife is cruel to me, married me under false pretenses, and that I'm not going to leave her... then what? I refuse to be medicated for reacting normally to this. Actually, I'm not going to tell him the false pretenses part if there is any chance that will ever be passed along to her, even if only as him getting her in there with me and insisting I tell her that. I just won't do it. I know she can't take back the things she's said to me... I will never forget them. Being a man, however, I can still do my "marital duty" should this latest crap smooth over... there's no way she'll be able to do the same if I speak all of my mind, and I really don't want to further degrade the conditions my kids are living in.

Speaking of that, I suppose I could be using this time to clean up the mess that his place has become in the last several days. Or, maybe I could get married and my wife could take care of the home while I earn income? Oh, right, supposedly I already did that.


Hmmm. I had only planned to come here and write a short note, but I've unloaded a little, haven't I?

Fighting Angst

A few years back I heard about “quarter-life crisis” for 20s-somethings. Well, sounds to me like this girl has 1/8th-life crisis. WHO AM I? VALRICO, FLA. wrote in to Deat Abby:

I am a 12-year-old girl who is not happy with who I am.

The good news is there is plenty of time to change that.

When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like when I was older -- and this is not who I want to be.

Twelve can be a tough age. In many respects you’re just a child and when it comes to priveledges and freedoms, you are treated like one. But you’re also starting to become who you will be as and adult, and you are quite often given obligations and expected to behave as though you are an adult.

I am the girl everyone wants to date.

You sound humble, too.

I have lost people close to me lately and made mistakes I wish I could take back.

Learn. If you really are the girl everyone wants to date, many guys will lash out when you reject them, and other girls will be jealous.

I love God and the fact that He gave me life, but I don't like myself.

Okay, for my readers who aren't theists, bear with me here, or skip to the next quote. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. What He wants most of all is for you to know Him. Part of that is recognizing that He made you (and that makes you wonderful), asking Him for help, and fessing up to Him when you do make your mistakes. God allows you to carry out His work, knowing full well that you'll make mistakes along the way. Honor His delegation of good deeds.

People treat me like I have no feelings sometimes, and I'm tired of drama that isn't worth my time.

Some people are insensitive, and that's something you're going to have to deal with in life.

I want to change who I am to who I really want to be.

Do you have any tips on how to make myself the person I want to be, and not the person everyone else wants?

Not spefically, since you didn't explain who you want to be. Here's my advice...

Be yourself, but work on improving yourself. Accept that you're not going to be perfect, but you can learn and grow and do/be better. If there is something specific you want as part of your identity, figure out how you're going to get there from here. You can find out from others who have done the same thing how to do it. Break the process down into manageable steps.

You're too young to really be dating, so if a boy is interested in you, ask your parents if you can invite him over to play games or watch a movie or work on schoolwork or a project together. Since so many want to date you, you should be able to pick the best boys out of that bunch.

Speaking of parents, where is your dad? Is he in the picture? If he is and he's not a complete jerk, go to him and tell him what you wrote to Dear Abby, and he'll set you straight. He was once twelve himself.

Very few people your age know exactly how they want their lives as adults and actually end up with that life. But there are those that do. So if you really know how you want things to be, you're young enough that you can steer the ship of your life in the right direction.

Dear Abby had a good response.

At 12, you're not frozen into any role. There is time to change your image. While it may be flattering to be someone "everyone wants to date," you are not obligated to date anyone. Concentrate on improving your grades, becoming active in sports, developing your interests and a stronger relationship with your church. If you do, you will form different kinds of relationships that will enable you to become the person you want to be.

Yes. Learn to play the school grade game well, but also learn how to learn. Those aren't necessarily the same thing. Practicing at least one sport is a good idea, and having a hobby. The church thing is good, and if that isn't enough, find a charity to support with volunteer efforts – you might even be able to find one through your church. Avoid substance abuse, crime, and hanging out with people who engage in those things. Heed this advice, and you'll be ahead of the game.

Can any of you remember what you were thinking at age twelve?

One of Those Calls You Don't Want

I'm probably going to take a few days off from blogging. There are plenty of recent entries to check out if you haven't done so already.

My father called me today to tell me that he and his wife were back home early from a trip out of the country. Their trip had been for a happy occasion, but the memories will be forever marred.

My father went on to explain that they came home early because his wife's firsrtborn, who is my age, had been reported missing. He was subsequently found dead with a gunshot wound that was apparently self-inflicted. The coroner isn't done. Jay, I'll call him, left a long note that expressed his depression. But I say apparently because I really don't know enough about his girlfriend (who struck me as a strange pick for him when I met her), his business dealings (not always stable), or anything else to rule out foul play. That's the corononer's job, isn't it?

I was not close to Jay; I didn't dislike him, it was just that when my dad met his mother, we were both adults who had our own lives apart from our parents.

It is not difficult to believe that he would kill himself; at one family event (the occasions I spent with him and his siblings), he opened up to one of my siblings about all of the pain (emotional, especially) he'd been through in his life. Of course, many other people would look at his life and see a darn good one, despite his parents' divorce. He was a handsome guy, far from poor, who had his health.

My dad, and more so his wife, has had to deal with a lot of deaths and other sad life events lately, but it doesn't get much worse than this. I wish there was more I could do for them.

Before I truly found my faith, an accidental death of another child during my childhood instilled in me a sense that life was short enough as it is, and fragile, and that it should not be taken for granted or thrown away. As depressed as I have ever gotten in my life, that thought has stuck with me, and I hope you and your loved ones also know that life is short enough as it is. There are people with terminal illnesses who struggle for just one more day, and none of the rest of us should take our days for granted, or throw them away.

When I gained my faith, I came to know that my life is not my own.

Furthermore, since then, I made vows to a wife and made babies who depend on me, and so I have more obligation and reason than ever to stick around as long as I can.


And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate

-"The Pass" by Neil Peart

Men May Be Depressed by Arrival of Child

The Journal of the American Medial Association published a study noting an increase in depression during their "partner's" pregnancy and during the year following the child's birth. I found out about this from a Los Angeles Times article by Shari Roan.

Discussions of the connection between mental health and childbirth have long focused on women, but a sizeable portion of men experience prenatal and postpartum depression too, according to research released Tuesday.

Well of course a lot of it has focused on women. Women are the ones who ovulate, get pregnant, are pregnant for nine months with at least one other person growing and moving around inside them, go through labor and delivery, lactate, and have all of the pre and post-natal hormonal variations. The guy could die during intercourse. The guy can leave his semen in a cup and never meet the mother - she can still go through all of those things. Pregnancy has effects on men mostly because they are living with the mother, witness the birth, and are socially and financially responsible for their child.

The study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Assn., found that 10.4% of men experienced serious depression at some point between his partner's first trimester and one year after childbirth, more than double the depression rate for men in general.

Is this a surprise? More responsibility, less sex, a wife with mood swings, less sleep, and less freedom. And what if he didn't want to have a child, or didn't want to have a child with this woman? The study appears to take into account all pregnancies, not just ones within marriage, after all, and the article makes no distinction between planned and unwelcome pregnancies.

American men were more likely to experience prenatal or postpartum depression compared with men in other countries, 14.1% in the U.S. compared with 8.2% internationally.

Well, sure – men in some countries may barely look at their child. American men are expected to be as engaged in caring for their baby once he or she is born - aside from breastfeeding, of course – as the mother. Cynics might argue that it is because American men are dealing with American women that there is this increased in depression. Now, I married an American woman. And for the most part I’m happy with her. But I can’t say she is typical. I believe she is extraordinary. But I've never been married to any other American women, so how can my observation be confirmed?

"It's viewed as a disorder of motherhood. It's not viewed by health professionals and the public as a problem in fathers," said James F. Paulson, the lead author of the study and an assistant professor of pediatrics at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk.

But depression in either parent can affect both the couple's relationship and the child's development, Paulson said, adding that further study is needed.

Well of course it can, and of course further study is needed. "Further study is needed" is code for "Give me money to do further study."

The contemporary father may be more vulnerable to this malady than previous generations of fathers because of the increasing number of women in the workplace and the corresponding expectations that he shoulder more responsibilities at home.

Like I said.

"We are expecting dads to be more involved in parenting than we ever have before," said Will Courtenay, a psychotherapist and researcher on paternal depression in Berkeley who was not involved in the study. "Most dads are welcoming of that, but they don't have any models about what a dad is supposed to do. That creates uncertainty, and that uncertainty can lead to anxiety and depression."

I wonder how much guys having been raised without their own fathers in the home is contributing to this? I would like to see comparisons between fathers who were raised by their own fathers and those who weren't raised with their father, and also fathers who had younger siblings and those who didn't.

Someone named "knew.horizon" wrote after the story that...

What is problematic about this is how the press wants to make a issue out of an everyday happening. Men become fathers everyday and for the most part, they do quite well and have for centuries. So, 10% of men get depressed after the birth of a child. Big deal. It's only natural, hell, I bet a larger percent of men get depressed after their first relationship rejection.

"Wendy L" wrote...

Everyone can get depression. Postpartum depression is different for the mom because the body goes through a lot of changes…Yes it's true that things can be tough for the dad too, but it's really not the same.

"LAmark" responded...

It is amazing the sexism towards men in these two first comments from Wendy L and knew.horizon.

Ten percent of any population is a significant number.

"mike.polyurethane" wrote...

Just change it to depression instead of Postpartum, otherwise some women will feel like their ego's victim side is getting diminished.

That change will most likely alleviate the sexist remarks like "take it like a man", aka shutup because you were born incorrectly

I do believe that women have to deal with a lot more when it comes to hormonal issues (I mean, that's a fact, right?), and I do not envy them in that regard. On the other hand, most women have no idea what it is like to have huge amounts of testosterone racing through their system. Men understand why teenage guys do what they do, whether it is fighting or yelling or jumping through major hoops to have an orgasm or simply get a glimpse at a nice female body.

Finally, "bawbee" wrote...

I mostly think the depression comes from now having to raise the kid in the United States where the politicians tie the parents hand behind their backs.

While I agree that there is likely too much undermining and limiting of parental authority these days, I do not think that has any impact on how fathers are feeling while dealing with a pregnant partner or infant.

On the flip side to all of this is that becoming a father can be enormously uplifting to a man, too. Becoming and being a father has been one of those experiences that I can talk about, but I know another guy is not going to fully get it until he becomes a father himself. From the prenatal visit with the listening and the viewings, to the births, to having the kids welcome me home and share their joy over learning something knew – there are so many emotions and feelings that fill a happy father.

Suicide

I came across this on a Los Angeles Times blog entry by Shari Roan.

About 32,000 U.S. adults kill themselves each year. But millions more think about suicide or even make plans to kill themselves, according to a new national survey. The 2008 survey found that an estimated 8.3 million people ages 18 and older -- 3.7% of the adult population -- had serious thoughts of suicide in the previous year.

I used to have suicidal thoughts, but that was mostly when I was under 18. I never actually made plans to kill myself. I was an emotional kid, full of passion, and it was easy for other kids to get a rise out of me or tears by picking on me. The nature of where I lived meant dealing with the same jerks throughout most of my childhood, and they would gladly use something embarrassing from years back to nastily hound me. If I got into a fight instead of just letting myself be teased or literally pushed around, I would get in trouble for fighting. I can remember my father getting called in to school because I bit another kid in the arm. The thing is, I bit his arm because he had it wrapped around my mouth from behind. I begged my parents to let me transfer elementary schools. They declined, saying I would have the same problems. As it turns out, my school got shut down and I spent a year at that other school (along with some of the other students from my old school). Even with some those other students, my problems lessened. Maybe I matured, but I doubt that was it. Unfortunately, everyone was back together the next year as there was only one junior high school, and so there were hell to deal with.

I also hated things like my voice. I was very self-conscious about it. If my father told me to (usually in more polite words) to shut up, I was convinced it wasn’t because I was speaking out of turn, but because he hated my voice. Looking back, he never actually gave me any indication that he didn’t like my voice, and it probably didn’t bother him at all. Ironically, as an adult, people compliment me on my voice all of the time. It has changed a lot, of course. I remember uh… actress… Denise Richards saying she was teased for her odd looks as a young teenager, and the irony was that later, when she grew up a little, she was considered beautiful. It is kind of like that with my voice. I got picked on for my hair, too, but like my voice, my hair turned out to be one of my best features.

There was also the sudden loss of my best-friend-from-birth when we were barely eleven years old. He was killed in an accident.

It didn't help that I paid attention to the news, and between some of the crap they fed to us in public school and the alarmist doom-and-gloom news, it seemed like life was hell and was only going to get worse. The air and water pollution were going to kill us if AIDS didn't. There may have also been some inherited biological depression - I never bothered to seek a diagnosis.

I look back and see that in general, I had a very good childhood. But kids don't have perspective. So there were times I felt like it would be better if I killed myself.

Thankfully, I was still young when I decided that life was too short as it was. Then, in my late teens, I picked up a hobby and a related job far enough away from where I grew up that I was essentially getting a blank slate. People would see me for who I was then, not the seven-year-old or eleven-year-old kid I once was. It was a tremendous help. I get plenty of respect and compliments in my professional life and my hobby life. I still have trouble accepting compliments from anyone other than my wife. My mother, generally a great mother, somehow gave me the idea that anyone outside of the family who complimented me was doing it for some ulterior motive. Old notions can have a hard time dying.

Something else that helped was that I discovered that my life doesn't belong to me. It took years for the full understanding of that to sink it, but it helped to at least know from the start that God didn't want me to kill myself.

It has been many years since I've had a suicidal thought. I do believe that there is almost always hope to improve whatever situation one is in. I would implore almost anyone that suicide is not the solution. I write almost because it could very well be better for the rest of us if a murderer, rapist, or child abuser who can't seem to stop such behaviors took themselves out of the picture. For everyone else - there are people around to help. There are solutions to problems. Life can improve. Just find help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline coordinates a network of 140 crisis centers around the country to provide help at any time of the day or night.

Here's their number: 1-800-273-TALK