Another Round of Whining About Dr. Laura

A mob of "victims" is trying to cancel Dr. Laura again.

You see, ideally, according to Dr. Laura and tradcons and the like, a man and a woman marry and then make babies together and raise those babies to adulthood together.

That's not the controversial part this time.

Adoption is a Beautiful Thing

Do you know where your children are?

DEADLOCKED IN NEW JERSEY wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband and I have been married 11 years.

So far, so good.

We went through eight years of fertility treatments before having our twins.

Hmmm.

When they were a year old, we discovered I was pregnant with our third child.

Surprise!

We have two embryos left and need to decide what to do. We either use them or destroy them.

Those embryos are human beings. Think about it this way: "We have two toddlers left. Do we raise them, or do we destroy them?" Fortunately, adoption is a more realistic option when it comes to children who are still embryos.

I think we need to give the embryos the chance they were meant to have. However, my husband is concerned only with the financial side of it as we have been living on one salary and things are tight.

Gee, better hope you don't get sick, if your husband puts money ahead of human life.

My heart aches over this.

If only there was some way people having trouble conceiving becoming parents that didn't involve creating more embryos than they were both willing to give a reasonable chance at living.

Do I do what I believe is right and stand by my religious and moral beliefs, and take the chance my husband will resent me for the rest of our marriage?

Guys, think about this. She can go ahead and have those children implanted whether he likes it (or knows about it) or not, and he can be held financially responsible for them. She can adopt them out, and he can still end up financially responsible for them. I say men should not donate sperm and should be very cautious about banking it for themselves, and that applies here as well. He needed to give his sperm (unless they used donor sperm) for this to happen. Which also brings up the point that even if they did use donated sperm (or some creep at the lab decided to secretly use his own sperm) and her husband doesn't want more children, he can still be held financially accountable by a court. All it takes is one judge.

But I digressed. What she is apparently talking about is going ahead and having them implanted over his objections. She should not do that. What she should do is donate them. I was happy to see Dear Abby give information about doing just that:

Your embryos could be donated for embryo adoption by a couple who have been unable to conceive, and who would love to raise them. For more information, you should contact an attorney who specializes in family formation, or contact the Snowflakes Frozen Embryo Adoption and Donation Program. Its phone number is 714-693-5437 and its website is www.nightlight.org.

Thank you, Dear Abby!

Unfortunately, it seems that some people in the fertility/reproductive assistance business want to increase their "success" rates, and so they will create more children than will be given a reasonable chance at life, pick the most promising embryos (discarding or experimenting on the others - killing them either way), implant multiple embryos, and selectively kill any that make it to the fetal stage that might have a medical problem or are the weakest if "too many" of them have made it to that stage. Too many parents don't need much arm twisting to go along with any of that. The result? Innocent human beings are being killed by other human beings, and even those who aren't killed are being treated like commodities.

Ladies, if you spend your twenties and early thirties partying and having sex with bad boys you wouldn't want to be the (financial) father of your children, or you spend that time getting graduate degrees and climbing the corporate ladder... rather than learning what kind of man would make a good husband and dating and then marrying such a man... so that you find yourself marrying in your mid or late thirties, expect that your're going to have trouble conceiving.

I realize it is emotionally easy for me to discourage or be cautious about fertility treatments, IVF, third-party reproduction, etc., since my wife and I conceived the children we wanted to have, without aid, in two months and in three months, and those children have survived. But that it is easy for me to write does not make what I write false or wrong. I value human life. I also appreciate that I was conceived in a loving act of passion rather than in lab equipment and stuck in a freezer. Even if a child was conceived in rape, it is better for an adoptive set of parents to give someone else's biological offspring a good life rather than killing their own biological children in an attempt to have a biological connection to the children they end up raising.

Another Boy Being Raised in Chaos

Here's another shining example from the "single mother" files. FEARFUL NANA IN GEORGIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My daughter, "Alana," has a 7-year-old son my husband and I have helped to raise while she got her life together and pursued her lucrative career.

There's no father around, or mentioned at all. One must wonder why Alana didn't give the boy, "Tristan", up for adoption since she is so busy.

The problem is, every time Alana gets a new boyfriend, she rushes to make the boyfriend Tristan's "daddy."

Unacceptable. She shouldn't be doing that, but no man should be putting up with it.

The men my daughter chooses are crude, rude and, without fail, feel a need to "straighten out" Tristan. My grandson does not need straightening out because he is polite, engaging and a good soul.

What he needs is you to adopt him.

Alana claims she's "in love" and fails to see the potential harm this guy could inflict on Tristan. We do not employ corporal punishment, but Jeff has already said (several times) he would "beat his butt"!

That is your concern? Spanking? That's the least of the problems with what is going on.

Dear Abby questions Alana's self-esteem (of course - even though it sounds like Alana wasn't spanked). If she has such low esteem, how did she get a lucrative career?

You and your husband need to get across to her how harmful it is for her to repeatedly introduce men to her son as "daddies."

She's not going to listen.

Parents should wait until they know their prospective mates well enough to be assured they won't injure the child physically or psychologically.

Parents should wait until their kids are grown.

That poor kid. His grandparents are his lifeline. Who knocked up Alana? Do you have any idea what is being done to your offspring?

Pin the Tail on the Sperm Donor

Sometimes, Dear Abby gets it very wrong. UNSURE IN ILLINOIS wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am the mother of a beautiful daughter who has never met her real father.

You mean the sperm donor?

I wasn't sure about who he was, a fact I'm not proud of.

DNA tests are a must, guys, when it comes to those newborns.

I tried to convince myself that her dad was the one guy I really liked at the time, but as she has grown older, many of her mannerisms and little habits reflect characteristics of the other guy ("Bobby") who was also in my life then. I parted ways with both men while I was pregnant.

Ever hear of... adoption when you were that age? How about, oh, contraception?

I am currently married, although we are struggling. I am now questioning whether I should try to locate Bobby to see if he is the father. I don't expect anything from him, but I would like a resolution.

Hmmmm… she writes "we are struggling" and then writes "I don't expect anything from him." Riiiight.

This could strain my relationship with my husband, but if Bobby is the father, I strongly feel he has a right to know.

Why? Sound like you never told the other guy, either - he had just as much right to know as Bobby, right? Bobby had more of a right to know back when you were on your way to delivering. It is a little late now. Let's get real. She's hoping that Bobby will be rich and more attractive and nicer than her current husband, and that she can leave her current husband for Bobby. She admits it could cause strain in her marriage, and who knows what kind of strain it will cause her daughter and Bobby? She remembers Bobby as the guy she was having sex with all those years ago. He doesn't look the same anymore, and he probably doesn't act the same.

Dear Abby’s response was wrong...

Because you are willing to risk straining the relationship you have with your current husband, explain to him that you need to be sure of the identity of your daughter's father because the man's medical history could one day be important for her to have. It's the truth.

No, it isn't the truth. The girl's real father is the guy who is paying her bills and protecting her (he shouldn't have dated and married a mother of a minor child, and now he's going to suffer for having done so). She can send the daughter to get genetic tests and have medical exams that will determine possible medical issues. No need to contact Bobby.

Then contact both men you were seeing at the time of her conception, explain the situation, and request a DNA test.

Are you kidding me?!? More havoc?!? How about having her husband contact some old flings to check and see if they have any kids that could possibly be his biological offspring?

If you let them know that you don't expect anything from them but their medical history, they may be willing to comply -- and you'll have your answer.

She can say whatever she wants. A lawyer can still sue for back and future child support, and inheritance, on behalf of her daughter.

Guys, if you know you don't want (more) children and are fairly certain that will not change, and you're going to have sex with your wife or fornicate with women who are not your wife, get a vasectomy and have it verified with two sperm counts. Make deposits in a sperm bank first if you think you might change your mind about kids.

Leveling the Playing Field: Paternity Tests and Assignment

This entry is part of a series. The introduction is here.

Suggestions:

1. Automatic paternity tests for all newborns. There is no doubt who the mother is. There should be no doubt who the father is. Some men would rather not know if a child born to their wife or shack-up honey or girlfriend isn’t theirs, but this should be standard so that women can’t get “insulted” by the guy on whom they are trying to pin the responsibility. About 1 in 10 children are not the biological child of the guy who thinks he’s the father. That is significant. In the case of a married couple, the husband should then have a brief amount of time to decide if he will accept responsibility or divorce his wife.

2. No default judgment on paternity. Perhaps the need for this would be eliminated with the first suggestion, but the way things are now: a mother seeking state support is asked to name a man as father to their child, so that the state can be reimbursed, or she may be seeking direct child support; the state (via the county, usually) then sends a notice to the address provided by the woman, which may or may not be the address where the guy currently resides. If he doesn’t respond, TAG! He’s the father, at least financially. While the authorities couldn’t bother to verify the man’s current address before, or that he’s even really the sperm donor, it will definitely track him down, or someone with a similar name, and start forcibly garnishing his paycheck. I say: no proof of being the sperm donor, no responsibility. If this is a drain on the state, perhaps the state shouldn’t be giving handouts to people in the first place.