Is There An Obligation to Complete A Date?

A video when viral, with a woman saying she met with a man for a first date, and after seeing her, hugging her, and spending a very short amount of time with her, he asked her to step outside of the restaurant they’d just entered and he cancelled the date. According to her, he said he wasn’t feeling it.

She concluded the video by seeming to blame being overweight.

Maybe that was it, although I’ve seen claims she has pictures on her account that make it clear she’s big, so he had to have known before. Pictures can do that but still be misleading, though.

There’s so much I don’t know that matters to whether he did the right thing or not. The video isn’t long enough to begin to answer several questions.

Maybe it was something she was wearing, her makeup, her hair, or something she said or did? Maybe the hug? Just like some women do, there are guys who pay very close attention to EVERYTHING and are very particular about red flags, turn offs, etc. It could be as simple as she didn’t let him open the door of the restaurant for her. Maybe she was texting. Maybe she’d just been dropped off in front of him by her teen child he didn’t know existed.

It’s also possible the guy had some sort of mental or emotional problem.

He was almost certainly being honest when he said he wasn’t feeling it. If he thought there was a possibility of that changing, he would have likely continued with the date.

So many people say he should have continued with the date.

I tend to disagree, but overall context matters.

First, though, is the question: If he was obligated to continue the date, what exactly does that mean? Was he obligated to share a meal with her on his dime, being polite, friendly, engaged in a conversation, and going at a reasonable pace, and then wishing her well when they were both done and the check was paid?

If I was the guy and had done things the way I was raised, I would have treated her to a good time as best as I could for a first date but not have done anything to lead her on (like kissing her or giving her compliments that weren’t sincere), made sure she got home safely, and after considering it for a couple of days to make sure, I would have given her sincere compliments and the “But…” and let her know it wasn’t going to be a match. Who knows? Maybe she would beat me to it.

Conversely, a man who is running game well would have avoided a meal date entirely. If they were instead meeting for drinks, and he was running game, yes, he should have ended it like that if he didn’t find her attractive. (The video appears to have been made immediately after the aborted date, and it appears it was still very much daylight outside, which isn’t recommended when running game.)

But there are questions.

Who set up the date? Traditionally, men ask for the date. But maybe she asked? If she asked, there is little question he had no obligation to go through with it even after meeting up.

There’s more of an obligation if he was the one who asked her out. But this is a bit of a game. Men are expected, most of the time, to ask, even when it’s clear they both want to meet up.

Did she communicate any expectations for this date? Was she expecting him to take her somewhere else after the meal or whatever? Had she indicated she expected sex? (Yes, some women do that.)

These are, essentially and presumably, strangers. He might have had a feeling he was somehow being set up or taken for his wallet, his DNA, false accusations, whatever.

Men are still generally expected to pay for dates. And time is money. It could be argued he was being responsible to abort the date. I guess we might say that consent to meet up for the possibility of a date isn’t consent to go through with it. His body/time/money, his choice. Can’t consent be revoked at any time?

Plenty of fat women get dates, get boyfriends, get married. True, they don’t have the same options women do if they’re not fat. That’s just a fact of life. Just like how short men don’t have the same options as taller men (but we all have more control over our weight than our height.) But there are fat women who marry, and even some, probably, who are happily married. My advice to this woman, if she keeps getting rejected because of the fat, is to find out how other fat women got what she wants. That might not be possible, if all the men she wants are attracting women they prefer more than her. She might have to “settle,” which is already what most women who lock in with a guy think they’re doing.

Or, lose the weight. I know that’s extremely difficult for some people, and there will still be guys who’ll reject her because she USED to be fat (it leaves marks and loose skin, there’s a likelihood she’ll get fat again). But it will improve her dating position, her employment position, and likely her health.

Can you imagine if a man posted a video like that? Complaining that a woman who’d met him for a first date quickly aborted the date? Especially if he finished it tearfully attributing it to his fat?

I saw a woman claim women don’t act like how the man acted. But women do allow a guy to pay for the date knowing she doesn’t want him, send him on his way without so much as a kiss, and then plenty of those women will text a bad boy to come over and hook up.

Dating, especially if you’re looking for “the one,” is extremely tough. It’s much less of a problem for someone who is running game.

Interesting Poll of Men and Women

Chris Michaud reported for Reuters on a poll conducted by AskMen and Cosmo. The headline was “Half of men would ditch woman who gained weight?” This is how it starts:

Men are more concerned with their partner's body type than women but they also seem to value family more highly, according to a new survey released on Tuesday.

Is it really news that men are more concerned with their partner’s body? Only to those people who have had so much "education" they believe there is no real difference between the sexes.

Nearly half of men questioned in the poll of 70,000 people said they would ditch a partner who gained weight, compared to only 20 percent of women.

A lot of the other half of the men are lying. I’ll get back to this below.

Two-third of men also said they had fantasized about their partner's friends, while only one-third of women had done so.

Two-thirds of men admitted this. A typical man only avoids fantasizing about any semi-attractive unrelated female through actively, intentionally stopping himself.

While only 18 percent of women said they would want their mate to be better endowed, more than 51 percent of men said they wished they themselves were.

It's Because I'm Fat, Isn't It

Somehow, it got to be a huge (pun intended) story that American Idol has been accused of weight bias by a teenager who was in the audience. Mind you, this is a show that has featured fat contestants.

From reading this Associated Press article from Lynn Elber, there doesn't seem to be any corroborating evidence to back the claim of 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman of Riverside, California of being told she was too fat to sit in the front row. Even one of the others in her group is quoted as saying nobody else in the group heard Idol staff telling her that.

To me, Kauffman's claims are highly doubtful. Who tells an audience member, someone the staffer wants to be cheerful and enthusiastic on camera, that she's fat?

But let's assume for the sake of discussion that someone actually said to her, "You’re too fat to sit in the front row."

This is a television show we're talking about. It isn't a public school, or a city council meeting. It is their show, they should be able to set the rules and arrange their audience the way that works best for them.

It doesn't matter how many Americans get overweight or obese. It isn't attractive to most people, and it isn't what most people want to see on TV. I write this as someone who has been fat. But reading through the article and actually watching the show, I find it hard to believe the claim.

According to a FremantleMedia statement, Kauffman and five other friends were among the first to arrive for the show and were told that there were "six great seats" available, three in one row and three in another.

Okay…

The group agreed to split up and Kauffman "did not sit alone or in the back of the house" as she alleged, FremantleMedia said. "In fact, she and her remaining party were seated just four rows behind their friends, directly in camera shot, in some of the best seats in the house."

Kauffman was in a row that included a VIP guest of judge Steven Tyler, Westphal said. They were a few rows behind the judge's table in a spot that has been featured on camera before, he said.

What does a witness say?

Hannah Solarzano, 19, said Tuesday that she was part of Kauffman's group, which traveled from suburban Riverside to Los Angeles for the show but hadn't met her before that night. Solarzano said she was seated next to Kauffman and didn't hear any insults being directed at her.

"Nobody started talking about the comment that was supposedly made to Ashley until she brought it up," Solarzano said. "I never heard those words except from her."

While she couldn't support her account, Solarzano said, it obviously stings to be labeled as overweight.

"You don't call a girl `fat,' ever. It's code," Solarzano said. "I understand how upsetting that can be. But, c'mon, honey, it's `American Idol.' You've got to move on from there. Big deal."

Exactly. Move on.

But, like most reality shows, the "Idol" audience and contestants generally have reflected American diversity, including when it comes to size.

An examination of a recording of the episode attended by Kauffman showed that it opened with a sweeping camera shot that included a cross-section of audience members, including some who could be characterized as plus-size.

So while the headline of the story is attention-grabbing, the article itself appears to debunk the claim.

If you're fat, do something about it other than being overly sensitive. Your life will be better if you get fit. I'm not talking about being ten pounds overweight (which can acually look good, depending). I'm talking about really being fat. Lose the weight, and things will be better.

Lady, Drop the Fat

Reality is sometimes harsh. This is one of those cases. Here is the honest truth from a guy. I’m not your father, brother, son, coworker, husband, boyfriend, or some other guy who has to be delicate or even dishonest in what I say in an attempt to avoid hurting your feelings or starting an argument.

Here it is: Losing the extra weight is the single most effective thing you can do to attract more/higher quality men.

Don’t believe me? Want to deny it? Look around you. Check out that People magazine and that red carpet coverage on television. How many successful, rich, famous, powerful, or gorgeous men do you see with fat or obese women? They are very rare, and in almost every case, they got together long ago, when she was in shape or he didn’t have two pennies to rub together. If he is a decent man, he is staying faithful to her. Otherwise, there’s a good chance he’s getting some on the side. Yes, there are some “cubby chasers” out there, even ones with some level of success. But they are considered the odd and rare exception. Most men who “chubby chase” do so because they believe (correctly or incorrectly) that women in better shape can attract a man more preferable than him, or it is a fetish.

It’s no use protesting that men are shallow. Shallow or not, this is the way it is. You can see it everywhere you go. As Tom Leykis correctly observes (and I don't always agree with the guy to be sure), “The size of the diamond is inversely proportional to the size of the finger wearing it.”

Is there a double standard? You bet there is. Men aren’t judged the same way. Sure, women like hardbodies and most would prefer a man who doesn’t have a spare tire, a potbelly, or a “keg” and does have six-pack. But women, in general, are much more likely to accept a man who is overweight or even obese if he can provide some level of financial security or at least access to a lifestyle of fame or wealth she craves. On the flip side, there’s a double-standard against men when it comes to material achievement/earning. Women aren’t held to that same standard.

But just as it is practical for a woman (especially one that wants to have children) to seek a man who can provide for her, and it isn’t necessarily “golddigging” - there are practical and legitimate reasons for men to seek out women who aren’t overweight – and it isn’t necessarily “being shallow”.

Keep in mind, I’m not talking about ten pounds here. I’m talking about fat, if not obese.

1) A man has to get physically aroused for there to be sexual intercourse. Most men are turned off by extra fat, or at least not turned on by a body carrying it. Men are very visual creatures, and liked to be turned on by a woman’s body. Women, if not naturally aroused, can use lube. Men need to get aroused to function.

2) Most men prefer an enthusiastic lover (if he likes you to play dead, or always wants to restrict your movement each time, there may be something wrong). Women who are in shape are more agile, flexible, and more likely to have endurance.

3) Most men prefer a healthy partner, especially if they are looking for a wife and a mother to their child. Obesity and even just being fat can bring many health problems and higher health and insurance costs.

4) The heavier the woman, the less likely contraceptive pills will be enough of a dosage to be effective.

5) Heavier people eat more (with very rare exceptions). Who is paying for that food?

6) In some cases, weight problems are a sign of mental or character problems – a lack of will-power, a lack of self-respect, a lack of concern about one’s health, compulsive behaviors, depression, etc. Sometimes, the weight seems to scream “don’t touch me.”

7) While it is easier to say “I don’t care what other people think”, the reality is that a man with a fit woman by his side, all other things being equal, is seen in a better light by others (both men and women) than a man who has an overweight woman by his side.

8) Obesity in parents makes obesity in their children more likely, and growing up is tough enough already.

If you’re in a relationship, especially a marriage, and have gotten fat during that relationship, it IS a problem. Your man might not say anything for fear of getting into a fight, hurting your feelings, or being punished in some way. So I am saying it here.

Baby weight should not still be around five years later. My own wife snapped right back into shape. I couldn’t believe it. I do not think it is so easy for all women, or even most. But it is possible. It shouldn’t take years, anyway.

Aging is unavoidable. Becoming overweight is not. And yet, the joke that “wedding cake” is the most fattening food out there rings all too true with too many men. When I was single and I would see these women who would start gaining weight immediately after getting married (often chopping off their hair, too), I thought it made a very poor “witness” for marriage. It didn’t make me want to get married, that’s for sure. It screams “Ha ha! I have your signature on the contract and now I don’t care if I look good for you!!!” I mean, really… what if the husband came home and said “I took a demotion at work today, because I don’t feel like working as hard anymore”?

Before I wrap up and subject myself to angry comments, I want bring up a few more points.

It doesn’t really matter what was considered beautiful 300 years ago or in some remote tribal village. We don’t live in an age and place where famines are a real threat and fat is a sign of being in a family rich enough to be able to sit around all day instead of working in the fields.

I’m not advocating the twiggy or “boy” look. Fashion models are usually chosen by gay men and other women, not straight men, so they are a poor indication of what straight men find attractive. But you can’t dismiss the women in magazines like Playboy. Playboy has done extensive research into what men find attractive. We can argue all day long about which came first - the media portrayals of the ideal female form or the tastes of men – but men do like that. I would like to insert the exception here that most men prefer natural breasts in reality, though breast implants can make for some good pictures. And yes, we know those photos have been retouched a million times, and she’s wearing body makeup and has special lighting and all of that. But the overall look is an ideal that most men have. None of those women are fat.

I’m not advocating women starve themselves. Women should get to a healthy weight by eating less and moving more.

I don’t personally go for the muscular or boy look. I like my women with curves, but there is a difference from simply being curvy and being fat. I had girlfriends with extra weight. I have had extra weight myself most of my post-pubescent life (though I’ve had times when I was down to an ideal weight). I’m not excusing my own fat. I know that people (especially women, but it does happen to guys, too) get treated differently for being overweight, and that sucks and in most cases, it shouldn’t happen. But it does. And coupled with the advantage in attracting men, there is good reason to drop the fat. If for nothing else, do it for your own health and happiness. While the “fat acceptance” people can scream all they want, I’ve never, ever heard of anyone who has lost extra weight who has regretted it – well, maybe the aspiring actor who used to get “chef” parts in commercials, but that is very rare. I know my life is better when I’m in shape.

All of the above being said, I can tell you guys like me would rather have a fat sweetie than a bikini model bitch.

However, we’ll go after bikini model sweeties most of all.

Mo'Nique Takes F'At Women to Fr'Ance

Janice Rhoshalle Littlejohn of the Associated Press brings a story given this headline:

Mo'Nique takes `F.A.T.' women to France

Uhm, this is America. You’re not allowed to put apostrophes in your name if you want to be taken seriously. If you are Irish or Italian or whatever, your surname may have retained one from the old country. But enough with these made-up names with numbers and punctuation and lower case letters where capitals should be.

Looking like a plus-sized black Barbie in a green polka-dot sundress, her hair in a playful flip, the 39-year-old actress-comedian is quickly engulfed by her "fat girls." She embraces them, trying not to muss her makeup with her own tears.

"I always think I'm going to do fine when I get to this point, but I know your tears," she tells them, each a finalist in the third year of her big-girl beauty competition, "Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance" — as in "Fabulous And Thick."

There’s a reason why they have a separate competition.

Of them, five were chosen to strut their stuff in glamorous gowns on a runway at the Le Grand Hotel in Paris in a weeklong adventure airing 8 p.m. Saturday.

Women who move more and eat less attract men who can afford to take them to Paris.

"We wanted to go beyond the beauty pageant," Mo'Nique says, kicking off her high-heeled sandals during a taping break. "We also wanted to create runway fashion shows, to give fat girls the option of saying, `Yeah, we've got this, too!' It's about taking the show to the next level."

You’ve got it, alright. Most straight men don’t want to see it.

He adds that the show encourages women to exercise and eat healthy. "It's a very positive message, and I think the reason it's gotten a big audience is that it does speak to all of us."

It’s gotten a big audience, alright.

And on television, there's a "huge distinction between Mo'Nique's show, which is celebrating fat beauty, and other shows on television which promote weight loss and reinforce prejudice," says "FAT!SO?" author Marilyn Wann, San Francisco-based board member of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.

Great. You can hold mixers for your female members with groups of men who are poor and unmotivated to change that, and demand that people simply accept that they are poor.

I have yet to meet anyone who has lost weight, aside from those who lose too much weight because of a disease, who has said “I wish I was still fat!” I felt better when I was thinner. I do not say my extra weight is okay. I want to be thing again. I do not hate myself, but I recognize that I need to develop and keep better eating habits. I recognize that my problem is compulsively eating more food than I need.

The fact is, it is more acceptable for a man to be fat than a woman. It isn’t any healthier, but women are more willing to tolerate it because women are attracted more to other qualities in men than physical beauty. Yes, most women like a hardbody, too, but things like security (money) trump that. Men, however, are visual creatures and if they aren’t turned on by their woman, then there is going to be dysfunction in the relationship. A man can’t simply reach for a tube of lubricant to help things along.

The women in this article would rather not go through the effort of losing weight and staying thin. So, they want to get as many other women falling into their way of living and thinking as possible, because that will take away that advantage in the competition for men, jobs, etc.

Are fat women treated differently? They sure area. Poor men are treated differently from other men, too. That’s life. Can a fat woman be attractive? Yes, just like a poor man can be attractive. All other things being equal, though, most men prefer the lady who isn't obese, just like all other things being equal, most women prefer the man who earns more.