Distressed, Disowned and Dumbfounded Daughter in the Northeast
wrote in to Dear Margo:
At the age of 40, I've been disowned by my father and his wife of 10 years.
That can happen. Especially with a new wife in the picture. Sometimes, the new wife makes everything better, but sometimes, she makes it a whole lot worse.
I ran a successful business, which I sold recently and made a lot of money.
Good for you! Congratulations. People like you make the world go 'round.
My father called to ask that I pay him a sum of money so that he and his wife can retire shortly - odd, being that he is a prominent attorney and well off.
Do you really know his finances? Maybe he appears to be well-off because he buys things he can't afford. If he buys them on credit, it makes it worse.
My father and his wife travel extensively, make extravagant purchases and are always adding on to their home.
That all takes a lot of money.
I was shocked to be asked for money and said no.
My father said that I am disowned, and I am hurt beyond belief. He said "I owe him" for a wonderful childhood, plus the best university money could buy.
You didn't ask to be born. It isn't just something teenagers say – it is the truth. He made a choice or several that led to your birth, and so providing for you during your childhood was his obligation. As far as the university, unless he indicated at the time that it was a loan, then you don't own him.
(Never mind that my father and my mother fought constantly.)
Your father is thinking materially, most likely – not of emotional quality.
Do I owe them for all those childhood expenses?
No. Now, I do believe we should
honor our parents. But honoring them does not usually mean paying their bills, especially when they are capable adults. Buying lavish gifts for them would be a
nice thing to do, as long as it doesn't enable bad decisions on their part.
Margo calls the request "nuts".
Since I was in elementary school, teachers and media directed at kids have been scaring the heck out of us telling us that our parents were going to live a long time in dependent states and we were going to have to pay a lot of money to take care of them. In some cases, that will be true. But that's not what is going on here.
I can relate to this woman. My in-laws are nice enough people. They insist on having everyone over for family dinners, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with genuine love of family. But some of it has to do with the fact that they are underwater and, although heading towards retirement age, are going to be worse than broke. It was that way before the recent economic crash. And they are counting on their children to come to the rescue.
Now, here's the interesting thing. They have five children together. One is broke, unemployed, and living with them again. Two are currently out and on their own, but spend everything they make. The other two are married daughters – my wife and her sister. Neither daughter earns income. This means that my in-laws are counting on their two sons-in-law... one of whom is me. Thankfully, my wife says "no way" and my sister-in-law is one of those people who insists on being a miserable martyr and caretaker. So it looks like my wife's brother-in-law will be on the hook. I hope he doesn't divorce my sister-in-law (for other reasons too, of course).
My in-laws are not generally stupid people. They are simply careless when it comes to money. He's a highly intelligent ivy league-trained M.D. who retired early because malpractice insurance was making it a net loss when he went into work. Hey, not to worry – he went into real estate. And he can teach math, since he was a math major, and he's really good at photography and very sociable. So he should be able to make money. Mother-in-law is working a well-paying job. But any money they make, they spend right away.
They have a nice house in a middle class area of Orange County, California. It has four large bedrooms, a rec room, a pool with a hot tub, and it was bought outright for them as a gift. They have borrowed against the house as much as possible. They also got a seven figure inheritance. They spent it all quickly. They vacation a lot and drink like fish. They have a new big screen TV.
Meanwhile, my wife and I don’t travel a lot. We've never owned a big screen TV. We don't drink (well, I drink very rarely). My wife, like me, has been very good about money and worked hard for it, and lived within her means – it is one of the reasons I married her.
We're not going to rescue anyone. We have our own kids to raise and our own retirements for which to plan. That is the way it works. Parents give to children. In some cases, children take parents in, but that should be more out of convenience (someone to help with the kids) or because the parent needs physical help. But generally, everyone needs to plan for their own future.
Furthermore, in general, parents should not be covering the bills of their adult children, with the exception of some college expenses if it is an immediate continuation from high school, and, if everyone is being traditional, certain wedding expenses.
By the way, I don't count on getting a dime in inheritance from my mother, my father, or anyone else – not because I expect them to be destitute, but because I don't plan my life around what I hope other people do with their money.
What do you have to say about all of this?
Well, there you have it. A finances message. Who wants me to get back to writing about sex?
