"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 6

Male nature means he's thought about it. Keep reading for an explanation of what I mean.

I've meant to write something like this for a long time now, but after seeing a couple of women on Reddit asking related questions, I'm finally doing this.

You need to sit down and brace yourself. This may come as a surprise to women, especially the more "education" they've been through, but...

Men and women are different. Some of those differences are natural, and we were born with these differences.

You might need to take a minute to recover from reading that. You might be angry with me. But it's the truth. And the sooner you accept that, the better off everyone will be. Read it as many times as you need.

You need to keep that truth in mind when you say you want men (or, "your" man) to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be open, to share things with you, to tell you what they're thinking, to share their fantasies, to not have secrets from you, etc.

Because here's one thing that it means that might startle, disturb, or disgust you, because you literally have a brain that works differently:

Men are attracted to a far wider spectrum of women than women are to men. In general, for any woman he's spent any amount of time around, he's wondered what she looks like naked, has pictured it, has likely thought at least briefly what it would be like to have sex with her, and even might have masturbated with her in his mind, no matter how briefly. This includes female neighbors and coworkers, your friends, even your sister, mother, etc. This is male biology. This is part of male sexual nature.

Are there exceptions? Yes. They include:

Doesn't Take My Breath Away

 

 

 

Here's something that reinforces the point I made here.

 
A woman posted on Facebook bemoaning that Kelly McGillis wasn't in "Top Gun: Maverick."

Some people are responding by saying the McGillis hasn't had much of a movie career in years. But, really, she could have been brought back for this movie if the producers wanted to do that.

It would have been embarrassing, though. 

 

She played Tom Cruise's love interest in the original. Tom has aged very well, and has no doubt worked very hard at maintaining his appearance. He's recognizable as the same person from the original movie. These pictures of McGillis are how she looked in the original, and her looking her best now. Notice it's pretty much a head shot. You can search for pictures of what she looks like these days, if you want.

This isn't a Hollywood problem. This is reality.

The reality is, time is on the side of men.

McGillis, it turns out, doesn't care about attracting men in her personal life. But her personal life isn't the totality of the movie industry. The woman who wrote this said she wanted to see McGillis and thinks she's beautiful. Well, I don't think McGillis is ugly. But this movie isn't a chick flick. It's a movie targeted at men who like military movies and jets, and targeted at women who want to see Tom Cruise. Most of those women wouldn't want to see McGillis, at least not as Tom Cruise's current or past love interest.

McGillis may be a very decent and sweet person. I have no idea. I've never met her and I've never heard anything about her other than what's out there in the general public.

The writer of that lament wants people to stop noticing that most women hit the wall. Isn't going to happen. She might as well tell women they should marry poor men shorter than themselves (and yeah, I know Cruise is short). This is reality. Most men find younger women who aren't overweight most attractive. And most women won't agree to be exclusive with a man who isn't taller, stronger, and richer than she is. Older women, regardless of appearance, can be very significant members of society, great friends and neighbors, and all of that. But they're usually not going to be the main love interest in mainstream movies, even if men their age are.

Want McGillis featured on the big screen as a love interest or otherwise as attractive? Collaborate with  and produce something for her. "Top Gun" isn't it.

What Women Like

Today's example of what women like - like so much they will have intercourse with such men, apparently without effective contraception - comes from a recent Dear Abby column:

I have a 14-year-old daughter I have raised alone. Her father has never been in her life, nor has he been in the lives of his other children with other women. He has a long history of criminal behavior and mental illness.

Note that the guy being described has obviously had sex with many women, women who don't use contraception effectively.

Something to See

In recent years, I’ve complained much about my marital situation on this blog. However, there are a few common complaints many husbands have that I don't have.

• My wife has not gained weight. She may even weigh less right now than when we married. She could stand to gain some weight, actually.
• My wife has not chopped off her hair. Yes, she gets the rare haircut, but she doesn't have her hair shortened too much.
• My wife also stays "groomed" the way I prefer.
• She has not frumped out/butched up on what she wears.

I'm going to stop here, because I want this post to be entirely positive. Notice that these are each, at least in part, visual. That is important to most men.

Deflation and Sagging

This is one of those brutally honest posts that necessitates my anonymity, to protect the innocent (not me… my wife). It is about body parts, not the economy. You are warned.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow II

The Best of Dr. Laura is airing, since Dr. Laura, like a lot of other radio hosts, is on vacation for the holidays. On Monday, in the third hour, about 20 minutes into the podcast, a woman called in to say her husband had stopped initiating sex with her a few weeks back and when asked why, he told her that he was turned off because she had her hair redone.

Dr. Laura blamed the man and called him unloving, citing another husband who was caring for his wife as she was losing her hair due to chemotherapy.

But this is likely apples and oranges. Now, I think Dr. Laura gets it right so often, and all you have to do is check out other things I’ve written here about her to know I’m no Dr. Laura hater. But sometimes, I disagree.

Losing your hair because you are being medically treated to save your life is not the same thing as deciding to go against your husband's desires and intentionally, unnecessarily change one of the things that attracted him to you. In doing so, the wife was telling her husband she didn't care what he wants.

Maybe Dr. Laura knew more about the situation than made it to the air during the call (due to screening), but the information that went out over the air was not enough to definitively decide if this was a case of a husband who is a jerk or has a problematic fixation or need for too much control – or if it was a matter of a wife choosing to make herself less attractive to her husband.

I've known women who have kept their hair long all through dating, and then immediately after marrying, they chop it off and start to butch up. I know at least one who did it literally the next day after the wedding. My wife pointed it out to me. You know what message that sends to a husband and other men? "I care about getting a man to sign on the dotted line. After that, I’m not going to care." An attitude like that is what is the big turn-off, not necessarily the actual hair style.

This is not to deny that there are men who would welcome the new hairstyle or even requested it. There are also men who don't care either way. But most men do have a preference and for most men, it was part of what attracted him to his wife in the first place. If a husband has a preference, it should be honored (as should his wife's preferences about his facial hair). Dr. Laura has told women who've called in wanting to cut their hair short over the objection of a husband not to do it. But in this case, the damage was already done.

Ah ha! I suspected I had previously written something like this before. I searched and found a posting with the same title.

Normal Straight Men Appreciate the Female Form

Married Man Sex Life responded to a young wife who asked why her husband is attracted to other women. She asked if she isn’t good enough.

It's actually normal for a husband to have a general sexual interest in other women. For a 20 year old husband it's very normal. 20 year old males are basically hard wired to screw anything that moves. So in that sense it's not "about you". It's just the testosterone talking in him. The husbands that don't have a general sexual interest in other women have wives that write to me asking how to get their husbands interested in sex with them. So the good news is that your husband is heterosexual and has a pulse.

Yes, be honest wives. Wouldn't you rather have a husband who is attracted to other women in addition to you (but doesn't stray) with you occasionally noticing him checking out other women... than a man who has no sex drive or is a closeted homosexual?

So rather than frame the question as "why does he want other women / why am I not good enough?", why not see it as "he has a high sexual drive / he's expressing he needs help with it".

What you can do is actively listen to him about it. You can let him vent and express frustration, but also be clear that the appropriate person to have sex with is you, that there will indeed be negative consequences for sleeping with someone other than you. Plus you have to have sex with him. If you define yourself as his sole sexual outlet, you have to be that outlet or eventually that with blow up on you.

Dennis Prager, who talks and writes much about male sexuality, puts it more or less as "thank your husband for not straying" and never rebuff him. He says that if women could experience what it felt like to be a normal man, they would be amazed that any man avoids infidelity.

Badger Nation commented:

Don't want to speculate on the reader's background, but it's like they think once the modern piece of paper is signed thousands of years of biological programming should just switch off and he should only have eyes for her.

A good husband value his wife over all other women. But that doesn't mean he will not look at other women, even if his is married to the most beautiful woman in the world. He'll try not to be tacky about it, and he will satisfy his urges by making love to his wife.

Previously: Distressed By Normal Masculine Traits

Does Fornication Lead to Dancing?

It was in the news that "flamboyant male dancing attracts women best". Associated Press medical writer Maria Cheng reported on a study published in the journal Biology Letters, a publication of Britain's Royal Society. It was paid for by Northumbria University.

Kris McCarty and colleagues at Northumbria University and the University of Gottingen in Germany asked 19 men aged 18 to 35 who were not professional dancers to dance in a laboratory for one minute to a basic drum rhythm. They filmed the men's movements with a dozen cameras, and then turned those movements into computer-generated avatars so the study could focus on moves, not appearances.

Scientists then showed the dancing avatars to 37 women, who rated their skills on a scale of 1 to 7. According to the women, the best dancers were those who had a wide range of dance moves and focused on the head, neck and torso.

That's a small sample. And maybe I missed something, thinking someone is the best dancer is a far cry from picking that guy to marry or to have sex with. Is it really honest to say that the dancing "attracted" the women? They were asked to watch dancers and give feedback. For all they know, they were picking their next gay male friend.

Nick Neave, an evolutionary psychologist at Northumbria University and one of the study's co-authors, said women may subconsciously judge how fit a man is by the fluidity of his dancing. He said their research was likely subjective and different cultures would have different measures for what constitutes good dancing.

Neave advised bad dancers to improve their core body moves.

"The movements around the head, neck and trunk were the most important," he said. "The good dancers had lots of different movements and used them with flair and creativity."

It's brutal honestly time. (When isn't it, around here?) Young heterosexual anglo men don't like dancing, at least not for the sake of dancing. Sure, there are the occasional hobbyists who are into swing dancing or whatever. But generally, guys go dancing so they can grind up against women, or because they're there with their girlfriend/wife so other guys won't be grinding up against her. The closer we are to you, the more we can feel your breasts or backside pressing against us. Like many things, guys will go along with dancing because it is what she wants to do, and they want to have sex with her. Women will sometimes get together with their girlfriends and say, "Let’s go dancing!" You’ll never hear a group of straight anglo guy friends saying that.

Am I wrong, guys?

Deep Voiced Guys Preferred by Women With High-Pitched Voices

Charles Q. Choi reports that a study published in the journal Behavioral Ecology indicates...

Women with high-pitched voices apparently prefer deep-voiced, manly men, according to new research that sheds light on the rules of attraction.

I have a deep voice, and I know it is one of my more attractive attributes. I have had people of both sexes tell me I should be in radio and refer positively to how my voice carries over the phone, in a room, or wherever. My height is average. My face, I've always considered plain, with my eyes being the best attribute there. "Bedroom eyes" I have heard them called. Even when I am in my best shape, I consider my overall appearance to be average. In fact, my height is average. Besides my voice, my other readily apparent attractive attribute is my full head of thick hair. I like that... on top of my head. I don't like it everywhere else. Male models/stars these days all seem to remove all of their chest hair, after all. My wife seems happy enough. I wanted to write about a something else about my body here, but it probably falls under "Too Much Information".

As the article points out, though, it is a matter of more than just choosing a romantic partner.

"People obviously prefer to marry and date people they consider attractive, but also are more likely to cooperate with attractive individuals, prefer to hire attractive people and even prefer to vote for those they think are attractive," said psychologist Benedict Jones at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland.

Attractive people have an advantage. That's just the reality of life.

Intriguingly, past research has shown that women with high-pitched voices are not only thought of as sounding more attractive but often have faces others consider more attractive as well. Further studies revealed these voices in women are often linked with higher estrogen levels, perhaps serving as a cue to their health and fertility.

Interesting. When I hear a woman with a very high voice, I wonder what trauma happened to her when she was 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years old (or whatever age it sounds likes). That's thanks to Dr. Drew Pinsky, who can listen to a caller's voice and correctly guess when some bad event happened in her life.

Writing this has reminded me that I need to flirt more with my wife, especially when we're apart, using the pitch of my voice. You might want to think about how you can use your voice to soothe/flirt with your spouse.

Lady, Drop the Fat

Reality is sometimes harsh. This is one of those cases. Here is the honest truth from a guy. I’m not your father, brother, son, coworker, husband, boyfriend, or some other guy who has to be delicate or even dishonest in what I say in an attempt to avoid hurting your feelings or starting an argument.

Here it is: Losing the extra weight is the single most effective thing you can do to attract more/higher quality men.

Don’t believe me? Want to deny it? Look around you. Check out that People magazine and that red carpet coverage on television. How many successful, rich, famous, powerful, or gorgeous men do you see with fat or obese women? They are very rare, and in almost every case, they got together long ago, when she was in shape or he didn’t have two pennies to rub together. If he is a decent man, he is staying faithful to her. Otherwise, there’s a good chance he’s getting some on the side. Yes, there are some “cubby chasers” out there, even ones with some level of success. But they are considered the odd and rare exception. Most men who “chubby chase” do so because they believe (correctly or incorrectly) that women in better shape can attract a man more preferable than him, or it is a fetish.

It’s no use protesting that men are shallow. Shallow or not, this is the way it is. You can see it everywhere you go. As Tom Leykis correctly observes (and I don't always agree with the guy to be sure), “The size of the diamond is inversely proportional to the size of the finger wearing it.”

Is there a double standard? You bet there is. Men aren’t judged the same way. Sure, women like hardbodies and most would prefer a man who doesn’t have a spare tire, a potbelly, or a “keg” and does have six-pack. But women, in general, are much more likely to accept a man who is overweight or even obese if he can provide some level of financial security or at least access to a lifestyle of fame or wealth she craves. On the flip side, there’s a double-standard against men when it comes to material achievement/earning. Women aren’t held to that same standard.

But just as it is practical for a woman (especially one that wants to have children) to seek a man who can provide for her, and it isn’t necessarily “golddigging” - there are practical and legitimate reasons for men to seek out women who aren’t overweight – and it isn’t necessarily “being shallow”.

Keep in mind, I’m not talking about ten pounds here. I’m talking about fat, if not obese.

1) A man has to get physically aroused for there to be sexual intercourse. Most men are turned off by extra fat, or at least not turned on by a body carrying it. Men are very visual creatures, and liked to be turned on by a woman’s body. Women, if not naturally aroused, can use lube. Men need to get aroused to function.

2) Most men prefer an enthusiastic lover (if he likes you to play dead, or always wants to restrict your movement each time, there may be something wrong). Women who are in shape are more agile, flexible, and more likely to have endurance.

3) Most men prefer a healthy partner, especially if they are looking for a wife and a mother to their child. Obesity and even just being fat can bring many health problems and higher health and insurance costs.

4) The heavier the woman, the less likely contraceptive pills will be enough of a dosage to be effective.

5) Heavier people eat more (with very rare exceptions). Who is paying for that food?

6) In some cases, weight problems are a sign of mental or character problems – a lack of will-power, a lack of self-respect, a lack of concern about one’s health, compulsive behaviors, depression, etc. Sometimes, the weight seems to scream “don’t touch me.”

7) While it is easier to say “I don’t care what other people think”, the reality is that a man with a fit woman by his side, all other things being equal, is seen in a better light by others (both men and women) than a man who has an overweight woman by his side.

8) Obesity in parents makes obesity in their children more likely, and growing up is tough enough already.

If you’re in a relationship, especially a marriage, and have gotten fat during that relationship, it IS a problem. Your man might not say anything for fear of getting into a fight, hurting your feelings, or being punished in some way. So I am saying it here.

Baby weight should not still be around five years later. My own wife snapped right back into shape. I couldn’t believe it. I do not think it is so easy for all women, or even most. But it is possible. It shouldn’t take years, anyway.

Aging is unavoidable. Becoming overweight is not. And yet, the joke that “wedding cake” is the most fattening food out there rings all too true with too many men. When I was single and I would see these women who would start gaining weight immediately after getting married (often chopping off their hair, too), I thought it made a very poor “witness” for marriage. It didn’t make me want to get married, that’s for sure. It screams “Ha ha! I have your signature on the contract and now I don’t care if I look good for you!!!” I mean, really… what if the husband came home and said “I took a demotion at work today, because I don’t feel like working as hard anymore”?

Before I wrap up and subject myself to angry comments, I want bring up a few more points.

It doesn’t really matter what was considered beautiful 300 years ago or in some remote tribal village. We don’t live in an age and place where famines are a real threat and fat is a sign of being in a family rich enough to be able to sit around all day instead of working in the fields.

I’m not advocating the twiggy or “boy” look. Fashion models are usually chosen by gay men and other women, not straight men, so they are a poor indication of what straight men find attractive. But you can’t dismiss the women in magazines like Playboy. Playboy has done extensive research into what men find attractive. We can argue all day long about which came first - the media portrayals of the ideal female form or the tastes of men – but men do like that. I would like to insert the exception here that most men prefer natural breasts in reality, though breast implants can make for some good pictures. And yes, we know those photos have been retouched a million times, and she’s wearing body makeup and has special lighting and all of that. But the overall look is an ideal that most men have. None of those women are fat.

I’m not advocating women starve themselves. Women should get to a healthy weight by eating less and moving more.

I don’t personally go for the muscular or boy look. I like my women with curves, but there is a difference from simply being curvy and being fat. I had girlfriends with extra weight. I have had extra weight myself most of my post-pubescent life (though I’ve had times when I was down to an ideal weight). I’m not excusing my own fat. I know that people (especially women, but it does happen to guys, too) get treated differently for being overweight, and that sucks and in most cases, it shouldn’t happen. But it does. And coupled with the advantage in attracting men, there is good reason to drop the fat. If for nothing else, do it for your own health and happiness. While the “fat acceptance” people can scream all they want, I’ve never, ever heard of anyone who has lost extra weight who has regretted it – well, maybe the aspiring actor who used to get “chef” parts in commercials, but that is very rare. I know my life is better when I’m in shape.

All of the above being said, I can tell you guys like me would rather have a fat sweetie than a bikini model bitch.

However, we’ll go after bikini model sweeties most of all.

Researchers Think Hot Woman + Less Hot Guy Works Best

Most less-hot guys seem to like this combo, too.

Jeanna Bryner, LiveScience Staff Writer, reports on “Why Beautiful Women Marry Less Attractive Men”

New research reveals couples in which the wife is better looking than her husband are more positive and supportive than other match-ups.

Research? Like, oh, say, looking out a window???

The reason, researchers suspect, is that men place great value on beauty, whereas women are more interested in having a supportive husband.

That’s a little general. Some women want a man who can provide for her and their children. Some women want a man with money, power, or fame because they are materialistic, lazy, and hungry for attention. Some women want other things.

Past research has shown that individuals with comparable stunning looks are attracted to each other and once they hook up they report greater relationship
satisfaction. These studies, however, are mainly based on new couples, showing that absolute beauty is important in the earliest stages of couple-hood, said lead researcher James McNulty of the University of Tennessee.

If you’re just looking for sex, it is never going to be better than the first three months. Not unless you marry someone who continues to be enthusiastic about making love late into the marriage, willing to practice, practice, practice and try new things.

But the role of physical attractiveness in well-established partnerships, such as marriage, is somewhat of a mystery.

The new study, published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, reveals looks continue to matter beyond that initial attraction, though in a different way.

If you want kids, you know your kids will have an easier time in life if they are good-looking (only really good looking people who have been good-looking their entire lives deny this), and they are more likely to be good-looking if your spouse is good-looking.

Researchers videotaped as each spouse discussed with their partner a personal problem for 10 minutes. The tapes were analyzed for whether partners were supportive of spouses' issues, which included goals to eat healthier, to land a new job and to exercise more often.

Hmmm, well, if we’re talking about whether someone is fat or not (eating, exercise), that’s another dimension. People want their partners to take care of themselves. Men literally can’t function sexually if they’re not turned on, and physical beauty is often a large part of that. If a woman is relying on her husband to provide for her, she has an interest in his health, because the healthier he is, the easier it will for him to provide.

"A negative husband would've said, 'This is your problem, you deal with it,'" McNulty said, "versus 'Hey, I'm here for you; what do you want me to do?; how can I help you?'"

Marriage should not be sibling rivalry. It should be two people looking out for each other and trying to bring joyful conditions to the life of the other.

Overall, wives and husbands behaved more positively when the woman was better looking. The finding "seems very reasonable," said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT's Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management. "Men are very sensitive to women's attractiveness. Women seem to be sensitive to men's height and salary," said Ariely, who was not involved in the recent study.

In couples with more attractive husbands, both partners were less supportive of one another. McNulty suggests wives mirror, in some ways, the level of support they get from husbands.

It would be worth noting how they ended up together. If a man marries a less attractive woman because she “accidentally” got pregnant while they had a drunken encounter, or because she was sexually enthusiastic or talented or eager and that changed after she had her wedding cake, then the guy is likely to be unsupportive because of resentment.

"The husband who's less physically attractive than his wife is getting something more than maybe he can expect to get," McNulty told LiveScience. "He's getting something better than he's providing at that level. So he's going to work hard to maintain that relationship."

Maybe. But most men know either explicitly or in the back of their minds that even ugly men can get really hot wives if they are rich, powerful, or famous.

Physical attractiveness of husbands is not as important to women, the researchers suggest. Rather, wives are looking for supportive husbands, they say.

Repeating the obvious.

I'll let the women in on a little "secret". Yes, men care about physical beauty. Yes, there is a wider range of that than media portrayals might lead one to believe. But men will quickly tire of even the most attractive woman if she is a shrew, a nag, irresponsible, unkind, or cold. Quality men who are looking for a relationship (not casual fornication) will prefer a plain looking woman over such "beauties" if she is kind; supportive; enthusiastic, playful, and eager when it comes to lovemaking; and has other good qualities. Such a woman will become more attractive to a good man than any centerfold.