If Enough Churchgoing Men Refuse to Marry, Polygyny Will Be Encouraged

"What's next? Polygamy?"

That was often heard, especially from Religious Right people, during the successful battle to extend, nationally, state marriage licenses to same-sex couples. For a long time, religious conservatives (Evangelical Christians especially) have insisted heterosexual, married monogamy is the ideal and the only acceptable sexual relationship.

The way the marriage-and-family ministries have talked about polygamy, or anything that isn't monogamy, you'd think the Bible emphatically condemns anything that isn't monogamy. 

But it doesn't.

The Biblical case that "monogamy is the only way" is a very weak one. It is based on trying to say that polygamy (polygyny, really) in the Bible led to problems. You won't find any passage in the Bible that actually says monogamy is the only acceptable relationship. On the contrary, many heroes of the Bible had multiple wives (and more). 

I have a prediction.

If more and more men, including churchgoing men, go on a marriage strike, some of these religious organizations that have warned against polygamy will switch to encouraging it. For the LDS church, that would be familiar territory. These organizations will encourage it because they want women to marry and have babies, and lots of babies, and if there aren't enough men, they will break down and encourage women to share husbands. 

Just wait.

Vows Vary

Dr. Laura read a letter at the end of the Wednesday, May 13, 2020 show from the wife of a caller. The wife explained that her husband had called claiming that there were sexual problems in the relationship. The letter writer explained, because he never said so during the call, that her husband had been trying to get her to have sex with other men. (There is a whole fetish or two about that.) [This entry has been bumped up.]

Dr. Laura again talked about "breaking vows".

What Happened Next Door

If you'd told me when I was twelve years old that multiple women who'd appeared in Playboy magazine were going to live in the Playboy mansion, appear in the magazine multiple more times, and be in a "reality" cable television show with Hugh Hefner, I would have known that those women, who were several decades younger than him, were going to expected to be his girlfriends and have sex with him even though he was old and not in the best shape and not committing to any of them, and they would be expected to participate in parties whether that seemed like fun or more work, and that what they were going to get out of this deal was fame, money, access, networking, and visits to Disneyland and wherever else. He's an older man, not in the best shape, and yet these women were going to have to show him a good time.

I would have known that at twelve.

My siblings would have known.

What thinking person over the age of sixteen wouldn't have known this?

But once Hefner was dead, and thus no longer useful, he was cast as a villain by some of the people who used to praise him and cling to him.

Nope. Not buying it.

If you weren't saying this was bad behavior at the time, but rather were profiting off of it, you don't get to bash him now and get any sympathy or points from me at all. Those women knew exactly what they were signing up for. The same goes for anyone going to an adult party at the mansion. Of course staff, such as cooks, cleaners, etc. shouldn't be targeted for harassment, but it was the Playboy mansion; home to a man who built the magazine and brand from the ground up. Nudity and shenanigans should have been expected.

Part-Time Sister Wife?

NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

Sounds like life.

My husband, "Todd," is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week.

"Expects"?

I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

Then quit your job. Marital lovemaking isn't supposed to be a chore. Be happy your husband, who is younger, still wants your 53-year-old body. This is yet another example of why some men avoid marriage.

My best friend, "Mavis," has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week.

Mavis could be having sex if she wants. She could be doing so with a new husband, or fornicating with a steady or different guys. It is her choice, really, although she's not going to have the best men to choose from. Maybe that is why she is trying to horn in on your man. Don't compound the problem by inviting her to commit adultery with your husband.

Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

Don't. Either he'll like the idea, or be profoundly hurt or disgusted. Neither would be a good reaction.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement?

Have you called the folks at TLC? They could film all of this. I'd recommend MTV, but you're over 25.

Dear Abby, who has no problem endorsing fornication as long as adultery isn't involved, gets all judgmental:

Please find another way to take a break. What you're contemplating would likely be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

So? Sounds like she's not so happy in it and is breaking or wants to break the vows anyway. If she had instead written to you and said the truth another way – that she is unhappy with her husband and sexually incompatible, wouldn't you tell her to leave him anyway?

You may think you'd be "safe" because Mavis isn't pretty, but to quote Benjamin Franklin, "In the dark, all cats are gray."

From what I understand, Franklin would know. Actually, given the wife's attitude and Mavis' "hunger", it would be easy for the husband to find Mavis to be a much better lover regardless of how she looks.

If you're tired, let Mavis help with the chores -- but not this one.

She didn't offer a solution. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. How about dropping down to part-time work? Or hiring domestic help? Her husband probably does things around the house, too – notice she doesn't say he doesn’t lift a finger around the house. But he's not too tired for sex. Something tells me she wouldn't be too tired for sex with George Clooney.

Doesn't sound like they have minor children in the mix. Imagine if they did. That's the reality of so many married couples theses days. Both have full work schedules and they have minor children. Why? Often because women have been told they must have careers outside the home, and they wouldn't respect their husbands if their husbands didn’t also have careers. Or because people think they need bigger homes, more cars, more vacations, more toys. Or they are trying to save up to fork over money to some increasingly expensive and ever-worsening institutions of indoctrination, er, uh, higher learning.

Anyway, back to the idea of having another woman do some of the "heavy lifting". Be honest, ladies, if nobody else would find out and there wasn't a religious issue, do you think you'd consider something like this? Or maybe you'd be the one who'd want someone else (male or female) in addition to your hubby. Men can be deeply in love with and attracted to their wives, and still find other women strongly attractive. Given male sexual nature, I think most men would take on another woman if there wasn't a religious issue and if the wife would be agreeable. We have plenty of examples of men who do this even with the religious prohibition and even though it hurts their wives deeply.

Follow Up on Public Infidelity

Recently, I looked at an advice column letter in which the writer asked what to do after seeing a married man on what looked like a date with a woman who wasn’t his wife. I noted the possibility that the wife could be aware and approving.

I found an example. This “polyamory” blog discusses this very issue. Polyamory is the term used to describe a situation in which people have more than one lover with the full knowledge and approval of all involved. Okay, well I’d argue that God is involved, definitely knows, and doesn’t approve. But nobody else is forced to believe as I do.

Here is the situation. . . Lucy who is married to Rickie was out on a lunch date with her SO, Fred, when a co-worker who doesn't know about her poly lifestyle saw them together. Now seeing Lucy and Fred together wouldn't have been hard to explain except the two did a bit of hand-holding at lunch.

The question is; What do you do when you are caught out on a date with your SO by someone who knows your primary partner (spouse)?

The blogger goes on to consider the possible approaches of the observer and how to respond to those approaches. So even if we think of this as infidelity, we can't assume that the spouse who isn't present is unaware or would be upset- rather, in thise case, the spouse might be flustered that they have been "caught" as being a polyamorist.

FLDS Women

FLDS women (from the polygamous compound where the children were taken away) appeared in the media today to defend their cult... uh, I mean religion. Actually, it is a cult, by both theological definition (because it claims to be a religion that it isn't) and sociological definition.

It's the sociological that I'm going to focus on.

The women said they were free to leave the cult property at any time, but that they didn't want to.

Of course they didn't want to.

First of all, it would mean never being able to be with their children again. They'd be leaving the only life they've ever known.

But there are psychological factors at work besides that. They've been raised since birth to believe that:

1. They would be leaving the only true church, thus turning their backs on God.

2. They would be evil and lost people if they left.

3. The outside world is thoroughly evil and dangerous and would corrupt them.

4. They would be of no use (other than for evil) and unable to make a living in the evil outside world. I mean really- how much education have they had? How much job training?

These women believe they'd wither away without their busbands, and would be lost souls without their church leaders.

So, while they were perhaps free to leave (and perhaps they weren't after all - how do we really know?), they have been conditioned since birth to be severly averse to doing so.

Such is one of the problems with cults.

And where are all the boys? With polygamy as the FLDS practice, there is only room for so many men. After all, how is a man going to have multiple wives to himself if there are roughly the same men and women? So some boys get cast out, and I fear, worse. I wonder how many male births are "stillborn"?

Sad stuff.