This Blog Helps Others and Me

[This post is being bumped up because it is still relevant.]

Someone left a comment after this post about how most men don't need a wife and explaining how men can manage life well without one:

I wonder if your therapist knows about this obsessive blog or your preoccupation with such negative views. I really don’t believe this blog is healthy for you or your peace of mind (or your children’s in the long run). I hope someday you will find peace and your way out of this cage you seem to be trapped in. I hope God gives you the tools you need to do this and you can be whole, happy and fulfilled again. I’m sorry if this seems presumptuous but you open your life to interpretation when you wrote a blog like this. 

It seems strange that comment was left on a post encouraging men to be responsible for themselves and manage life well.

I appreciate the well-wishes.

I probably mentioned that I do this to my therapist, perhaps years ago. At this point I go to him because it satisfies my wife. I wouldn't even call it therapy at this point. But, my insurer covers most of the cost and it is time I don't have to run around taking care of everyone else at home. I do find writing this blog helpful and therapeutic in and of itself.

The comment doesn't bother attempting to counter anything I've posted on this blog. Like many others I get here and on Twitter, it is pretty much just saying "You shouldn't say this."

Why not?

What am I primarily doing with this blog?

1. Warning, preparing, and encouraging men for dealing with the world as it is. (And the truth about the world is the truth regardless of my own personal experiences.)

2. Sharing my own personal experiences.

3. Letting women see how men think and experience life.

Why would someone be upset by any of those? They can argue about the first and third. They can present a different perspective, cite facts that might appear to go against what I've written, etc. They can't really argue with my personal experiences. They can say they don't think they should be shared. OK. Why not?

It's fine for people to share their experiences that have been very different from mine. It's done all of the time.

For all three of those things above, mostly the first two, my perspective has shifted over time, so I am persuadable. I used to be a marriage seller. And I use to be deluded about my own marriage. The shift can be seen on this very blog. So if I have something wrong, show me.

There seems to be a segment of society that doesn't want the truth about these things discussed. Everything is supposed to be hidden. It's somehow wrong, according to some, for a man to be honest about his experiences or to point out the realities of today's world.

I don't agree. While not all truths need to be spoken in every place, at every time, to every person, the truths I present in this blog need to be shared, especially for men who are contemplating something that is going to significantly and negatively impact them for the rest of their lives.

Important Messages to Young Men - Life is Short

The introduction to this series is here.

Life is short, time is limited, and time is one of the most valuable things you have. It may not look like that now, it might not feel like it, but unless you die young, one day you will look back and marvel at how fast the decades went by. If you get an illness that takes you out earlier, you'll know even harder that life is short.

 

Nobody is guaranteed another day.

Everything is a trade off, everything has a cost, including with time. Actively spending time doing one thing will usually mean you can't spend that time doing another. Keep perspective on what's going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now.

Value your time. Learn to say no, both to yourself and others.

Avoid pointless timesucks. Rest, relaxation, and recreation are important, but avoid sloth or frittering your life away.

Look for ways to save time. For example, being familiar with trends and events in pop culture can help with socialization and certain lines of work, but there are certain reviews/aggregators of pop culture that give you what you might want to know without wasting your time.

Not all that is valuable is material. Experiences and memories thereof can be worthwhile.

Delayed gratification and saving for the future are necessary, but don't neglect enjoying the moment, smelling the roses, and rewarding yourself for doing well. There are choices to be made.

Most people need to do some things they don't want to do in order to get to where they want to be. Many people dislike exercising, but they like being fit.

Part of being successful is having to do things you don't want to do less and less, especially as you mature. A practical example is that someone who works smart and hard now might be able to take it easy when they're older, rather than having to continue to work in jobs they don't like.

One of the biggest benefits to having wealth and power is that, in theory, you can spend much less time doing things you don't want to do. For example, if you hate shopping, at least for most things, you can pay someone to shop for you. The downside is having to defend your wealth and power from those who want to take it away from you.

Keep in mind that if you're going to be a husband and/or father, and do those things well, those things place enormous demands on your time and you'll be spending much of your life doing things you don't want to do. Running game saves time when it comes to women.

Life it short. Be wise with your time.

I Keep Showing Reality

I'm active on X/Twitter.

You can write to me there, you can follow along as I examine posts that deal with topics I address on this blog.

I have some ongoing "tweet threads" there that are especially relevant as the marriage-selling push ramps up for the mid-February's horror scene.

Here's a thread on dead marital bedrooms and some other marriage "joys."

Here's a thread featuring marriages that ended, but not in divorce. Remember, divorce is only one way a marriage can end badly.

Here's a thread about the "joys" of parenting.

Signing a terrible state contract doesn't benefit men.

Get a vasectomy.

Don't marry.

Don't live with a woman.

Don't get financially entangled with a woman.

Stay free, men!

One Sign It is Time to Move On

Guys, most of you shouldn't be in a supposedly exclusive relationship, but whether you are or you aren't, there are signs that it is time to dump a woman or ghost her or never call her up from the bullpen again.

One of those signs is when you have to ask for her to do something sexually she used to do eagerly and enthusiastically without you even having to ask.

Running Game - Avoid Meeting the People in Her Life

Running Game isn't about building relationships that lead to alleged exclusivity, living together, partnerships, marriage, or co-parenting. It's about keeping things casual and keeping it no strings attached, thereby keeping it inexpensive for you.

So, you don't want to meet her friends, family, co-workers, or neighbors. She shouldn't have any children to meet. You might not be able to avoid meeting her roommate, if she has one. But this is one reason you don't approach women who are in groups; you don't want to meet her friends.

Why?

There's no upside to meeting them and there could be serious downsides. They will try to get information out of you. They might discourage her from seeing you. You don't want her getting the idea that you could be "the one" and will be integrating into her family and the rest of her life. You want her thinking of you as her hookup, her booty call, the guy she has fun with.

To successfully avoid meeting these other people in her life, you have to avoid dates that will involve any of them, and if she invites you to a party, get-together, family event, a trip, or some public event or expensive venue, you have to be too busy to do those things. In general, you need to avoid doing anything that doesn't get you two alone in private, anything that isn't like dropping by her place late at night. Any dates until you're doing that regularly should be at a bar or similar venue, with the possibility of going back to her place or a hotel room, but not your place. If, at one of those early dates, she's got her friend or family member there, you need to act like you got an emergency message and leave.

If she stops seeing you because, after you established this as a booty call situation, you won't meet her at her workplace holiday party or family picnic, so be it. Running game doesn't mean every woman will get it on with you or keep getting it on with you; it is about quickly filtering out the ones who won't or who are too much work or start withholding in order to make demands. So some women you'll have to drop or will drop you. That's OK. There are plenty of fish in the sea (there are always additional attractive women being grown and coming of age), and you don't need to give up your freedom, time, money, or energy trying to "make it work" with any given woman.

Gifts For a Husband and Father

NOTE: I meant to post this weeks ago. Even if this is too late for this Christmas, it’s still useful for other occasions, like birthdays, Fathers Day, etc. 

While this is written from my perspective, it can work for the man in your life who is a husband and father, especially if he’s your husband or your father.

The best gifts for me as a husband and dad are, in no particular order:

‪1. Experiences I don’t have to plan, will enjoy, and don’t require I be constantly looking after someone.‬ Maybe it a tour of a place he’ll enjoy? Maybe a getaway? A meal at a special place? A cruise? A sporting event or concert?

‪2. “Homemade.” This can be anything from artwork to food/treat; something you have reason to believe I’ll enjoy.‬ Custom ties, socks, undershirts, etc. can fulfill this. Something with the personal touch from the wife and/or kids.

‪3. Something I’ll enjoy/use but wouldn’t indulge myself by buying because I have responsibilities to my family.‬

‪Especially as a sole income earner, stuff I can and usually will buy for myself isn’t as good.

“Giving” your husband something sexual you used to do with him but stopped and only will do as a special occasion gift is insulting. You should be doing it anyway, if you can.

Conversely, if there’s something he’s wanted but you’ve never done with/for him before, initiating it as a gift can be great.

Watch Out, Men!

We’re coming down to the wire for Christmas, and New Years Eve will be here before you know it.

I’ve repeatedly warned you.

If you’re not married, you need to make sure you don’t do anything that gets you closer to being in that terrible state contract.

Don’t marry.

Don’t propose, even if you’ve bought the ring and have it all planned out.

Don’t be spending Christmas Eve/Day or New Years Eve/Day with any woman who you’ve been dating for a while who is thinking of you as husband material.

If you’re currently set to bring a woman around your family or go with her to see hers, disrupt that now! Cancel! Say something came up, maybe witb work or that there’s a family emergency or some drama.

Most marriages fail.

The terrible state contract brings you nothing good you can’t otherwise get for less cost.

It’s never been easier to thrive living on your own.

Reject the idea you need to subject yourself to a series of humiliation rituals so that you can spend your time, money, and energy trying to please an irrational, moody person wjo will, most likely, resent you.

Embrace freedom, peace, and autonomy.

Stay free, men!

Comment Here on Dating (or not) Women With Minor Children

There are so many comments that have been left on my blog's most popular entry that I'm encouraging people to comment here instead, so your comment doesn't get lost in the shuffle. The topic: I discourage men (and women, for that matter) from dating women with minor children. You might disagree with me. Maybe you have stories to tell. This is the place!

I urge people not to add chaos to their child's life. Don't date single mothers, or mothers of minor or dependent children!

And before you ask again, here is something I wrote to a widowed mother.

Disagree? Agree? Do you have success stories? Horror stories? Comment below! BUT PLEASE DO NOT USE PROFANITY (CUSS WORDS) in your comment or I probably won't publish it. This is acceptable: "That's bull****!" Writing out the word in full is not acceptable. No F word. No C word. No S word. No D word. You get the idea.

Rob and Michele Reiner

As far as I know, I never met the Reiners. I have no direct knowledge how they were in private, on a personal level. Rob Reiner’s politics, for the most part, were different from mine. Clearly he cared and decided to get involved.

What I do know, and appreciate, is his prolific and highly effective work in television and movies. While he was an accomplished, lauded, and influential actor and director, even just his work as a producer was more than most people realize, and has impacted our culture.

If his longevity would have been anything like his father’s, he could have still been contributing to entertainment for decades to come.

But now he’s dead at 78, and so is his wife Michele (68), allegedly murdered by being stabbed to death by one of their sons.

If current allegations are true, the murderer had been in substance abuse rehab at least 17 times, had been homeless at times, and was a difficult person.

Imagine all of the time, money, heartache, worry, aggravation, frustration, pain, embarrassment, trouble, and shame Rob and Michele Reiner spent or endured over the last 20-30 years, trying to help their son. Imagine it ending with the terror, horror, and pain of being stabbed to death.

As of this writing, I don’t know what Nick’s defense narrative will be. A possible angle will be akin to another local case of double parental murders, the Menendez case: trashing dad as an abusive monster.

Think about this the next time someone insists the childfree will regret not being parents: Rob & Michele Reiner are unavaible for comment.

Also, despite this being Rob Reiner’s second marriage and second marriages with step kids in the mix, like this one, have a 70-percent divorce rate, this marriage didn’t end in divorce and won’t be counted in the divorce statistics. Divorce is just one way a marriage can end badly; this way was even worse.

Free men have a ZERO percent chance of being divorced or being murderered by their child.

Was It Really Wasted Time?

There are women who look back on a marriage or relationship that ended and they say something like "All those years, wasted!"

Especially if she was happy, enjoying herself, or feeling that her needs were met for most of that relationship, what does she mean that those were "wasted" years?

If her only goal was to have the man be with her into old age and then for him to die on her or outlive her, sure, it was wasted, if you dismiss that being with him helped her prepare to be with someone else - someone she wouldn't meet or wouldn't have dated before.

Or, if her only goal was to have children and she didn't because he couldn't, wouldn't, or she didn't think he'd make a good father, and now she's too old, sure, it was wasted, if you think she definitely would have had children with another guy, which we can't know with certainty.

But what about the companionship? The attention he gave her? All of the good times they had together? Things he did for her? For that all to be a waste, it means she didn't and doesn't value those things. Men, stop spending time, energy, and money on a woman who doesn't appreciate it!

The "wasted years" comment, upon careful consideration, sounds like ingratitude in most cases. An exception would be if we know for certain (and how can we) that she would have had a better time with someone else. It makes sense if she's saying "Bob, who I'm with now, wanted to date me, but I was busy with that jerk Joe!" Understand though, that her statement that she "wasted" those years is about her, not Joe. It was her choice.

Guys, if you're looking for an ongoing relationship, be very careful about a woman who says a past relationship was "wasted" time, unless she can explain how without sounding like she doesn't value affection, experiences together, gifts, etc. If you're just looking for dates and not a relationship, then be one of those guys she will say she wasted time with... just don't waste too much of her time. Keep the dates are short as you can!

Women, are you wasting your time? Does the journey matter, or only the destination?

Don’t Make NYE More Costly

 

Guys, I’m warning you again, with New Year’s Eve almost here:

DON’T MARRY.

Do not propose.

Don’t ring in the New Year with a woman who is likely thinking of your as husband material.

It’s not too late to call off those plans, even if you’re reading this on the 31st.

Save your money. Don’t be spending it on trying to impress a woman or to pay for her entertainment.

Nights like NYE are nights you should either be with buddies, or with your parents/siblings, or with a “new” date who is sad she doesn’t have a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband ringing in the New Year with her and will look to make it a fun night with you.

Exiting a Relationship With a Single Mother or a Childless Shack Up

Introduction

So you've either been woken out of your stupor or the slow-building discontent has finally become too intense, and you're ready to get out of your relationship with a single mother or a childless shack up. Being with a single mother* or living with a woman brings all sorts of complications and risks. So depending on how deep you're in, there are going to be different considerations.

Men who are NOT in such relationships should read this, too, to be informed about just how much trouble being in, and getting out of, such relationships can be, so they'll be motivated to avoid them.

How deep are you in?

If you married this woman (which would mean she's not a single mother anymore) and made a baby or babies with her, that's the worst of all scenarios, especially if you have adopted her children. Unless she is abusing you or the kids, the the best thing for the children is usually to stay put and be polite and as pleasant as possible until the youngest child is 18. The problem with that, is, in some places, like the state I live in, being married for ten years or "close enough" means you'll be paying lifetime alimony to her. The bulk of this entry is addressed to guys who haven't married the woman and haven't legally adopted her children.

You need an exit plan for your own self-preservation. If she or anyone else accuses you of not being a "real man" or that you're somehow lesser because you don't want to put up with mistreatment or someone else's responsibilities any more, just let it roll off your back. Who cares what they say? This is what they're saying, when you get right down to it. "You should spend your time, money, and energy doing things for me/her so I/she can spend  more of my/her own time, money, and energy on my/herself." She might cite things she does for you, and even if she does do those things, it doesn't matter. You're not obligated to stay with her, and you can either get by without those things or get them for a lot less money, time, and effort, or with someone who is more compatible with you and brings fewer negatives to the situation. You may have some emotional discomfort over the breakup, but that would fall entirely in the realm of normal, because the relationship became familiar to you and part of your routine. The discomfort will go away and it is better in the long run to be out of that relationship.

Dennis Prager, Devout Christians, and Divorce

As I've pointed out before, Dennis Prager is not a hypocrite on divorce. His critics love to point out he's been divorced twice (so far), but Dennis has never said people shouldn't divorce. He does say people should marry and that if it is miserable or the contract, as he sees it, isn't being upheld, they should divorce (so they can marry someone else).

The problem is, the company for which Mr. Prager, a believing Jew, primarily works in radio, Salem, is a Christian company, quite aligned with Evangelicalism. While it still happens a lot, divorce is strongly discouraged in Evangelicalism and it is looked down upon. Mr. Prager says he doesn't understand why it is looked down upon and discouraged. Evangelicals and similar believers cite Jesus' words in the Bible (Matthew 5:32 and 19:9) that divorce is only permitted in the event of "marital unfaithfulness" or "sexual immorality" depending on which translation is being used. In this case, "marital unfaithfulness" is referring to sexual matters, not simply being a bad spouse. What exactly is entailed in "sexual immorality" is debated, although Evangelical leaders will usually (publicly, if not in personal behavior) define that as "having sex with anyone other than your spouse, including threesomes and swinging with your spouse, and looking at porn."

When Marriage Sellers Make One of My Points For Me

The Institute for Family Studies, despite being, overall, a marriage seller, is the gift that keeps on giving. There was another round of trying to convince people they're better of having less sex and less sexual variety. Let's take a look at this graph:


 
That graph was used to try to show people that sexual abstinence before means your marriage will be much more stable.

Look closely,  though. Even the best category shows that more than 55 percent of married people in that category believe their marriage may be in trouble of ending. Remember, this is from an organization that is promoting marriage. A minority of married people think their marriage is "very stable."

Do you want to get into a terrible state contract in which, most likely, you will be worried that you are facing what some men call "divorce rape"?

It gets "better," though. Let' look at the next graph.



According to this, 78-80 percent of married people who "saved sex" are NOT very satisfied with their sexual relationship. Sure, the point they were trying to make - that it's even worse for those of you who've had two or more partners - is true... so don't bother to marry!

Why bother to sign a terrible state contract if those are the odds?!?

When someone implies or outright says that "saving sex" for marriage will mean your marriage will be stable, without fear of it ending, and that your marital sex life will be very satisfying, they are ignoring that for MOST people who marry under those circumstances that's not true! Even just the data from which these graphs come indicate there are many married people who are very dissatisfied with their sex lives, including people who "waited". Those people, and the trade offs and risks shouldn't be ignored.

To be fair, there may be studies that show relationship stability and sexual satisfaction rates are even lower for people who aren't married. That's a "cart and horse" thing, meaning it could be that if people don't think their relationship is stable and the sex isn't great, they're less likely to marry.

But yet again, I must point out that these studies and surveys never distinguish intentionally free men who run game to find out how stable their lives are and how satisfied they are with their sex lives. There are men who are loving life and thriving free of a supposedly exclusive or marital relationship, and some them are also very happy with their sex life.

More Fun With Statistics - Body County and Marriage