Dennis Prager Discussed Virginity

During his Male/Female Hour on his Wednesday, March 29, 2023 program, inspired by a previous caller, Dennis Prager asked callers about whether virginity was important in looking for a spouse and why. Dennis, who is in the middle of writing commentaries on the Torah (the first five books of the Bible), says while he thinks ideally intercourse should be saved for marriage, he "doesn't have the understanding that it is important in choosing a wife." Uh, well, I'll have to look up how he explains the Torah passages that have been cited as saying otherwise.

The first or one of the earliest callers was a woman whose son is 40 or almost 40, says he's intentionally kept this virginity, and he wants to marry a woman who has, too. Dennis asked if the son really does want to get married, and the caller related how her son had talked about wanting to be a husband and father, but some of the women he was interested in weren't interested in him, and vice-versa.

When Dennis found out that the caller was divorced from her son's father and is remarried, to a man who was also previously married, Dennis said "So it doesn't matter!" and encouraged her to point out to her son that she wasn't a virgin when she married a second time and neither was her husband.

What does Dennis mean that "it doesn't matter."? Any two people who are currently unmarried and aren't too closely related and are old enough to legally consent can get married. It doesn't make it a good idea! For all we know, the caller's marriage is terrible, or it will soon be. (Of course, that doesn't seem to be a problem for Dennis... divorce is no big deal to him other than it means people won't be married for a period of time.) People who beat each other can get married. Does that mean someone shouldn't seek to avoid a spouse-beater? There are always people who marry despite problems and red flags. It doesn't mean they should!

It's not unreasonable for someone who is looking to marry for the first time to want someone who has had the same lifestyle as them.

Dennis is so emotionally fixated on the idea that everyone should be married that he thinks people should abandon their standards.

He went on to encourage the caller to ask her son if God wants him to stay unmarried rather than to marry a woman who isn't a virgin. Dennis referred to "It's not good for man to be alone," which is from the Torah (and I argue is collective... none of us are alone now), but what about what the rest of the Torah says about choosing a wife???

Now, let's be clear here. I never had virginity as a requirement for a wife. If I got trapped in some silly "alternate life" movie that had me unmarried and I HAD to marry, I'd AVOID virgins. My advice to any man who is foolish enough to marry is to marry a woman who can at least pretend to want sex with grown men. Virgin women over a certain age are really skilled at NOT having sex. And I warn women that men who are willing to "wait" might be gay, asexual, low drive, pedophiles, or dealing with some psychological problem.

But if a man or woman insists her spouse be a virgin, I don't try to talk them out of that, or any other standard they might have. Because I think it's fine for people to never marry.

One caller came close to articulating a logical reason clearly, but I don't think Dennis got enough good responses on the program.

It is important to note that the caller who inspired the hour was looking for women in their early 20s. He wasn't looking for a 45 year-old virgin. And based on what people have said, they want to marry a virgin because...

• That is what their religion teaches and they want someone who demonstrates adherence to the religion
• They see virginity as a special gift and if they're going to marry someone, they think they should be the ones to receive (and, as the case might be, reciprocally give) that gift
• If both of them are virgins, they will be at the same level of (lack of) experience
  
• They see it as a sign of self-control that will make it more likely their spouse will remain faithful and endure times in which there won't be sex
• They believe it reduces potential problems with jealousies
• They don't want their spouse remembering past experiences
• They don't want their spouse making comparisons to past lovers
• They don't want to be with someone who has "a reputation" or is the subject of gossip
• They don't want to bump into their spouse's past lovers
• Some people believe that people, especially women, have a hard time bonding well with a spouse if she has previously bonded this way with others
  
• Some women get bored of sex, and so her being a virgin means it will take longer for her get bored of sex with him
  
• Men don't want to pay or pay more for what other men have gotten for less or free
• Some men see it as problematic for their wife to have had another man's cells/DNA inside of her
• STDs
• Virgins haven't had abortions
  
• Virgins don't have any biological children somewhere out there
  

I find some of those reasons to be silly or downright contrary to facts, and you likely do, too, but since Dennis asked the question, I wanted to provide the answer. Those aren't MY reasons, but reasons I know others have.

I wouldn't advise a man look for a virgin to be his wife. But I wouldn't advise most men look for a wife. Men who are just looking for hookups, booty calls, or even just "a girlfriend" should avoid virgins. Sex is a learned skill.

She Likely Doesn’t Exist

  

Guys just need to accept that it is EXTREMELY rare to find a woman who:

1. Has a low, especially 0 body count

2. Will be a good, enthusiastic lover

3. Is willing and prepared to be a good wife

4. Will be faithful in every sense of the word, never divorcing

5. Is attractive to him

6. Is attracted to him

It’s better to stay free and date strategically or not at all.

Accept that if you marry, it’ll almost certainly be detrimental to you and you’ll be with a woman who doesn’t actually meet the criteria you are seeking.

The first two criteria will almost never be found together. Sex is a learned skill, and the kind of woman who is enthusiastic is unlikely to hit the age of 18, 22, and especially 25 without having multiple, if not many, lovers. If she’s in her late 20s and hasn’t had lovers, how much can she really want sex?

Each additional criterion further reduces the pool of women to the point that it might be empty. I didn’t even include compatibility, which is an absolute must, or health. 

Most women don’t actually know what they want now, let alone 40 years from now; to be fair your goals can change, too.

You can complain all you want on social media media, in forums, on podcasts, to advice columnists, but just assume you’re not going to find a compatible woman who meets those six criteria.

Once you accept reality, you can plan and live your life accordingly. I recommend being a Free Man.

Teen Girl Wasn't Ready

LOVESICK IN YUCCA VALLEY, CALIF. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a girl who has had my heart broken for the first time.

It's a horrible feeling.

I know I should get over this boy, but I can't stop thinking about him.

You'll feel better after some attention from other guys. But focus on studying, your hobbies, your friends, and your family.

My mom loved him.

I don't know your mom, so I don't know if that's good or bad.

We hung out every weekend for six months.

Probably not the best idea at your age, which I only know is "teen".

I thought I might have been pregnant.

Okay, well, that explains a lot. You lost your virginity to him. You're always going to remember this guy. You weren't mature enough to handle this. You'd be a lot better off if you hadn't done that. Your mother shouldn't have left you alone with him.

I'm not -- but I want to be. I know I'm not ready to be a mom, but I want someone to love me and depend on me. I need someone who won't leave me. I know my baby wouldn't.

Every guy who messes around with teen girls should cut out this column and paste it on his bathroom mirror. This is the kind of thinking you are dealing with. Ready to be a father?

Should I become a mom?

Only after about ten years, if you’ve married the right guy, and you have matured enough not to have this attitude. Don't even have sex now.

How do I get over my boyfriend? Do I stop talking to him and just be his friend?

Stop all contact with him for the foreseeable future. You may look back in a couple of years and realize that he was all wrong for you in the first place. Or, you may end up reconnecting. But be prepared to never have any contact with him again.

Dear Abby's response covers a lot of the same territory, but does not tell the girl to stop having sex.

Again, I notice there's no mention of a father.

Dear Abby Assumes Almost All Women are Sluts

Let’s check in on Dear Abby, shall we?

Couple’s Views on Sex Don’t Bode Well For Their Future
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DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and
that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone"
either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager.

That’s when you say “Goodbye.” But noooooo… you had to hope he would change his mind.

I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship.

He had already given you an answer. You just didn’t want to hear it.

His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

Do you really want a man who “changes” his convictions so easily? I can guarantee you this will be an issue down the road.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued.

So you are upset because your ego was brought down to reality?

I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future.

It will. It will. It will. Go find someone who is compatible with you.

I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place.

Well you know now. Time to move on. Really, are you so repulsive that you can’t find anyone else?

I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins.

That, along with your statement about “more of the heart than the body” is ridiculous. What if a man had a past filled with substance abuse? What if a man had a history of molesting children? What if he had a history of cheating on his girlfriends? What if he had a history of beating his girlfriends? What if he had a bunch of kids running around out there with psycho ex-girlfriends…but his “heart” was “pure”? Would you still marry him? Give me a break. He said he wants to marry a virgin. There’s nothing hypocritical in a Christian believing in grace and still wanting to marry a virgin.

Marriage is a choice, not a necessity, not an obligation. He doesn’t have to marry you. He can hold out for a woman with a certain hair color, a certain weight, a certain body type, a certain height, and a certain sexual history. Same goes for you!

Okay, well let’s see how “Abby” handled this one.

DEAR "DEE": Cross Chris off your list as husband material.

Right! That’s all you need to say.

Your friend may be self-conscious about his lack of experience or his old-fashioned values. It's the old double standard, and even some men who have sown acres of wild oats feel this way.

While most men today have more sophisticated thinking about sex, the one you are dating has his heart set on a "sweet old-fashioned girl."

“Sophisticated”? Is that the euphemism for it now?

If that's what he wants, it's his privilege -- provided he can find one.

He can find one if he tries. Some women save sex for marriage. The trick is finding a woman who was able to do it despite her libido and attractiveness.